Lizzieloulou

Does any other spouse out there constantly beat themselves up about how you constantly forgive your ah/w/bf/gf for their bad behaviour? I am so mad, betrayed, weary and despondent everytime he drinks, yet I always 'let him off!' All I ever really want to do is pack a bag and never come back, but I always feel that he is trying to get better! I know deep down he never will, but I guess I get some kind of guilt pang! That is slowly diminishing with every new episode I have to say, but if I was in a better position financially and emotionally, I believe that I would make that move! Stay...go....go....stay!!! Urgh!....I wish he would do something really crappy like sleep with someone else, then there would be no doubt, and I could be justifiably guilt free! I know it's a cop-out and weakness on my part, but the guilt part is the strongest glue! I want to be 'unstuck!'

AnvilheadII

nah, i don't think you really want him having sex with other women, anymore than you'd want him to hit you to make it _easier_ to move on. somewhere along the way you gave _him_ the power - power to keep drinking and wreck it all, power to promise to quit and give you hope, power to maybe really quit and make it perfect.

the point you will get to i believe is where it doesn't matter doodly jack what _he_ does, you make your own decisions as to what is best for _you_!

Smarie78

Lizzie - Do you know I have experienced and lived with the very same struggle and thoughts? That when he came back from a bender I secretly wished he'd fall off again so that "WELL THIS TIME I CAN LEAVE" And I never did. Then I said "well what if he cheats on me then I can DEFINITELY leave no guilt and no question! Because then I'm really the victim here!"....and you know what? He did. He cheated. While I was away on vacation with family. The night a friend came into town and I had plans with her. No sooner did he see me away he committed the worst relationship sin. He lied about it too , even when I saw the messages and he couldn't hide it. And guess what? I stayed. And it still took me months to leave. And even now it just happened that I left so I have no proof just yet that it will stick.

We think we need "just one more" reason to leave. Doesn't matter. You will leave when you are good and ready to leave. When you've had enough abuse you will leave. And even then you may come back. You will keep coming up with last chances and until you are ready to accept that you deserve better, you stay. Rinse, leather, repeat.

I never thought I'd be a girl who takes that, and I was. I did. Tail between legs. You get there when you are good and ready. You won't need him to do one more bad thing. It will just become enough. I hope you get there sooner than I did.

dandylion

Lizzielou.....do you know how many times those of us have said "If he would cheat on me" or "if he would beat me".....it would be easier to leave.....
And, when they actually do, find it just as difficult....lol...
I said the same thing, once, because I knew that he would never do that....(thus, it became an easy way to lie to myself).....
I did finally divorce him....but, it wasn't because he did any of those things.

Smarie78

Fascinating isn't it. Because being with a raging drunk is not enough. It's as though we need to justify it more why we stay. If he did this or that, we would have a real reason to leave. Then they do it, and we stay. Or they don't, and we stay. And your friends and family can't understand much in the way we can't understand the A. I am not choosing to leave because he did anything different this time. It just became enough. Somehow it wasn't enough the last 15 times.

ladyscribbler

I was in that place for a long time. Even with the emotional and physical abuse, even after I lost custody of my older son because of my inability to leave the situation, I still longed for some huge, massive event that would justify my departure from the relationship to all and sundry. I somehow felt like I needed _more_ validation to do what I already knew was the right thing.

My financial and emotional position didn't improve until I was out of that environment. Part of the toll of that kind of abuse is that it doesn't allow for real healing. Because even during the "good times" I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I didn't have that true peace I needed for my recovery until I took the terrifying step and actually left for good.

And once I was out, I wondered why I stayed so long. It's three years later and he is worse than ever. I'm extremely grateful that I didn't wait longer, get more enmeshed, more beaten down, let my kids witness more unacceptable behavior.

We are here for you. Build your strength. Look into resources and trust that you will be OK, no matter what. Come here to "talk it out" when you feel like you're going crazy.

There's a saying I like. It relates to creative work, but is appropriate for many situations.
"Leap, and the net will appear."
-Julia Cameron

maia1234

Lizzie, cut your self some slack, my friend.

I was told that I would leave when I had the strength to leave for good, and I did it. It was God's plan for me, not mine. I fought, and fought to keep my out of control life intact. Once I accepted it, gave it all over to God to make my decisions, peace finally came over me. No more fighting for the drivers seat. He was smarter and wiser then me ( my higher power) and I had pretty much made a mess out of my life, so I had nothing to lose.

You all will get there, be patient, you want it to work this time.

Kboys

Oh yes. I spent a very long time beating myself up for giving him so many chances. I gave myself so many excuses for not leaving, and for giving into him over and over and over.

If only he would cheat on me... then it would make it easier. Then he cheated on me... for several months, with two different women (that I know of). It didn't make it any easier. I still couldn't do it then.

If only he would get physical with me, then I would leave. Then he did, several times... but I still made excuses. He apologized, and, well, he didn't actually injure me... so....

Finances were not my problem. The home we lived in belongs to my parents, and I have a comfortable income. But I even used that as an excuse in my head... If only we were renting from someone besides my parents... I could just leave, instead of having to make him leave.
Yeah... pretty sure that wouldn't have changed anything. I wouldn't have been ready any sooner.... I would have made some other excuse, like I just can't find another suitable house, or it's winter and not a good time to move, or it's spring and our yard is so pretty now...

I didn't want to do it before the holidays... then there was some other event coming up, then a birthday... always something.

After the first time I finally insisted he move out, and he did... I let him come back after all of four days. I was soooooo disappointed in myself. But I just wasn't ready then.

(As long as you are safe!) It's okay to stay while you get ready emotionally, and get your ducks in a row.

You are not weak... it takes strength to stay, too, until the time is right.

You'll be ready when you're ready!!

Big hugs to you!

dandylion

Lizzie...it might help, if you were to list your top fears about leaving....
Admit them...write them down...talk to us about them (if you want to)...
This becomes a to do list--to begin the baby steps to chip away at the fears that are holding you back.....

Lizzieloulou

Thank you to everyone for sharing your experiences and thoughts...it really helps me inasmuch that I realise that my private and intense fantasies and invented scenarios are not uncommon! I would especially like to thank you dandylion for your useful suggestion. I will give it some proper thought, then repost my reasons for staying....watch this space! Kind and peaceful thoughts to everyone this night x

Nata1980

You will know when you hit your rock bottom.

However, you don't have to wait for it. You are not ready to part with him - but you can always start extricating yourself from drama, detaching, and acting in your own best interest.

I won't lie - XAH'a cheating that I found out about after I filed for divorce helped to solidify my direction. He made excuses that he was drunk and she was "drunk and unattractive and old and I should get over it since it did not mean anything". After divorce he asked if I would ever consider remarrying him. Oi....

You are justified to walk out of the door right this second if this feels right for you. I am glad I did, life is different but good these days My 2c