New here - need advise
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Gauteng
Posts: 12
New here - need advise
Hi everyone
Never in my life I thought I'll be posting on a recovery forum.
I was in a relationship many years ago for 6 years. The relationship ended for many reasons but alcohol NOT one of them. We met up again through Social media a while back and I moved in with him a month ago.
Some background about him: He is a VERY successful business man. He has been for many years. Age 52. Before we met up again now this time I haven't seen him for 12 years. He is a well spoken, intelligent, educated successful person. But he drinks everyday. It never used to be like that the previous time, so I am concerned. I'm not a drinker myself, so I'm not sure how one actually measure when someone is drink too much? He drinks about 1 to 1.5l of red wine per day. Mostly two 750ml bottles. Is that too much? I think it is. It takes him a while to get tipsey / drunk - clearly, which tells me he has been at it for a few months/years?
Everyday between the hours of 3pm to 7pm I'd say. Sometimes earlier, sometimes later. He stops when he has his dinner.
I approached: him one afternoon - and this was our discussion:
Me: Should I be concerned about the volumes of alcohol you have everyday?
Him: (No suprised look) Yes maybe you should
Me: I am concerned. Although you function like a sober person you are consuming a LOT of alcohol everyday. I love you, and still want to be with you for another 50 years, so I don't think its a good thing?
Him: (sincere): Thank you for caring, I know I shouldn't be doing it.
So now - what is the next step - is this the beginning of alcoholism?
Never in my life I thought I'll be posting on a recovery forum.
I was in a relationship many years ago for 6 years. The relationship ended for many reasons but alcohol NOT one of them. We met up again through Social media a while back and I moved in with him a month ago.
Some background about him: He is a VERY successful business man. He has been for many years. Age 52. Before we met up again now this time I haven't seen him for 12 years. He is a well spoken, intelligent, educated successful person. But he drinks everyday. It never used to be like that the previous time, so I am concerned. I'm not a drinker myself, so I'm not sure how one actually measure when someone is drink too much? He drinks about 1 to 1.5l of red wine per day. Mostly two 750ml bottles. Is that too much? I think it is. It takes him a while to get tipsey / drunk - clearly, which tells me he has been at it for a few months/years?
Everyday between the hours of 3pm to 7pm I'd say. Sometimes earlier, sometimes later. He stops when he has his dinner.
I approached: him one afternoon - and this was our discussion:
Me: Should I be concerned about the volumes of alcohol you have everyday?
Him: (No suprised look) Yes maybe you should
Me: I am concerned. Although you function like a sober person you are consuming a LOT of alcohol everyday. I love you, and still want to be with you for another 50 years, so I don't think its a good thing?
Him: (sincere): Thank you for caring, I know I shouldn't be doing it.
So now - what is the next step - is this the beginning of alcoholism?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, you don't know how long he's been drinking, or what happens when he tries to quit, so it's pretty hard to judge whether he's an alcoholic. It's certainly an unhealthy amount to be drinking.
I gather you only recently had this conversation? I guess you can see what he does. Would he be amenable to discussing it with his doctor?
I gather you only recently had this conversation? I guess you can see what he does. Would he be amenable to discussing it with his doctor?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Gauteng
Posts: 12
Well the discussion took place about a week ago. Nothing has changed. He is still following the same pattern since then.
I dont think he will talk to a doctor about this. We both work from home. If he has bussiness to attend to he does it in the mornings. To be honest i sense he cant wait for his first drink of the day.
Do I approach him again?
I dont think he will talk to a doctor about this. We both work from home. If he has bussiness to attend to he does it in the mornings. To be honest i sense he cant wait for his first drink of the day.
Do I approach him again?
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 528
Yes you are right to be concerned. He has his drinking ritual in place. Read the book. Alcoholism the Myths and Realities. My STBXAH is a successful functioning alcoholic. Over the years he changed from a caring gentleman to someone capable of abuse and carrying around a deep misery that he tried to cover up with booze. As the years passed he drank more and more. I finally left him.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Jessica, it is my experience, as a person who has been in relationships and married, more than once, that couples in a committed relationship or married, do discuss important issues that affect them or the relationship....discuss the issues a lot....Many times---long and deep conversations.
I think that communication is a very important part of any close relationship.
I think that communication is a very important part of any close relationship.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Gauteng
Posts: 12
I just don't know how to approach him again.
I don't want to rock the boat. He is affectionate, attentive and in al aspects a wonderful partner. He doesn't go out (maybe that is part of the problem) he only drinks at home.
Normally when we go out for supper he will have at most 2 beers, but here at home it is a different story...
I am fullfilled in all aspects, I just dont want to sit with a problem 2-3 years down the line?
The fact that he answered yes to my question (I should be concerned) is that a typical admission that there is a problem?
I don't want to rock the boat. He is affectionate, attentive and in al aspects a wonderful partner. He doesn't go out (maybe that is part of the problem) he only drinks at home.
Normally when we go out for supper he will have at most 2 beers, but here at home it is a different story...
I am fullfilled in all aspects, I just dont want to sit with a problem 2-3 years down the line?
The fact that he answered yes to my question (I should be concerned) is that a typical admission that there is a problem?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sounds to me like he just wants to change the subject. In his mind, he acknowledged your concern, thanked you for it, and that's that.
All you have to do, really, is to say, "Listen, I've been thinking about what you said the other day about your drinking. I think we need to discuss this in more detail. It seems to me the amount your drinking could have a serious impact on your health. I don't want to have to worry about a serious but preventable medical issue down the road. Would you be willing to talk to your doctor about it?"
See what he says. If he gives you the brushoff, then you can see that he doesn't really take your concern seriously. And that, in itself, is a problem.
All you have to do, really, is to say, "Listen, I've been thinking about what you said the other day about your drinking. I think we need to discuss this in more detail. It seems to me the amount your drinking could have a serious impact on your health. I don't want to have to worry about a serious but preventable medical issue down the road. Would you be willing to talk to your doctor about it?"
See what he says. If he gives you the brushoff, then you can see that he doesn't really take your concern seriously. And that, in itself, is a problem.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Welcome Jess.
The boat is already rocking. Do you want to continue with this relationship walking on eggshells? He has admitted to you that yes, you should be concerned. I think if he had followed that up with a plan of action you may have something to work with but........
Please read the stickies at the top of the forum. And please DO NOT stifle your concerns. THIS IS YOUR LIFE TOO!
Keep us posted Jess.
Ro
The boat is already rocking. Do you want to continue with this relationship walking on eggshells? He has admitted to you that yes, you should be concerned. I think if he had followed that up with a plan of action you may have something to work with but........
Please read the stickies at the top of the forum. And please DO NOT stifle your concerns. THIS IS YOUR LIFE TOO!
Keep us posted Jess.
Ro
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
What is the outcome you are hoping for? None of us can tell you anything with any degree of certainty, and only you can decide when someone else's drinking is too much of a problem for YOU to live with.
Based solely on what you've described, he has verbally acknowledged that he drinks too much, but as far as his actions are concerned, it appears he is saying that he has no intention of actually changing anything.
Living in worry, walking on eggshells -- that is not a path to fulfillment in a relationship. If he is an alcoholic, you should know that it is a progressive condition and unaddressed, will get worse. "Functioning" is not a TYPE of alcoholism, it is merely a STAGE.
You know, it is enough if this is a problem for YOU, whether or not he acknowledges it as a problem for HIM.
Based solely on what you've described, he has verbally acknowledged that he drinks too much, but as far as his actions are concerned, it appears he is saying that he has no intention of actually changing anything.
Living in worry, walking on eggshells -- that is not a path to fulfillment in a relationship. If he is an alcoholic, you should know that it is a progressive condition and unaddressed, will get worse. "Functioning" is not a TYPE of alcoholism, it is merely a STAGE.
You know, it is enough if this is a problem for YOU, whether or not he acknowledges it as a problem for HIM.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by jessicawest 
The fact that he answered yes to my question (I should be concerned) is that a typical admission that there is a problem?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Jessica....it doesn't matter where he drinks. The body's nervous system (brain) and liver don't ask where the alcohol was consumed....
In a marriage, there is no such thing as "rocking the boat" (in my opinion). If you are concerned that you have to walk on eggshells about anything....you already have a basic problem with the boat.
A close and healthy relationship requires us to be willing to be open and transparent with each other...to be willing to be vulnerable and trust our soft underbelly with each other. This, of course, requires a basic trust of each other.
This applies to both..not just one.
The very fact that you are on a forum asking for help (the right thing to do)...indicates that it is a problem for YOU!. The fact that y ou can share your fears with total strangers...yet, not with him...indicates that there is a problem of communication, already.
Problems that are not addressed in the light of day, go underground and fester, until, one day they erupt and spew the toxins all around.
If they cannot be discussed now, then they just become even harder to discuss down the road.
to answer your question...that he answered "yes"....is that a typical admission?...My answer is that some people do and some people don't.
He may secretly realize that he has a "problem" with alcohol....and, may or may not be willing to face it and address it.
Only he knows that. We can't tell you where he is at with all of this.
You sure could ask him, though.
It is my belief, that, when there is an issue in a marriage...that both parties need to put all the cards out on the table. All the cards.
This is done by putting all of your fears, concerns, needs and desires on the table. Total personal honesty.
That is where the process has to begin.....Then, there are no secrets and hidden fears...no walking on eggshells out of fear of "rocking the boat"....
As you learn more about alcoholism, you will learn that nothing you say or do will cause an alcoholic to drink. An alcoholic drinks because they are alcoholics, at baseline. They can make all manner of excuses and blame lots of circumstances (they usually do)...but, the fact still remains that alcoholics drink because that is what they do to cope with life and their feelings (good and bad feelings).
You say that you are fulfilled in all respects, but, I can see that you are very worried..and, I will bet the kid's milk money that this is lurking in the back of your mind...a grey cloud that interrupts your serenity and peace of mind....
It is my suggestion that it is better to face it now, before the grey cloud turns into a thundercloud....
Now, I imagine that you are a bit chagrined that I am speaking to you so candidly. You came for help, and I feel that you deserve nothing less than the truth of my (our) experience.
If anything that I have shared helps, good. Just take what works and leave the rest....
In a marriage, there is no such thing as "rocking the boat" (in my opinion). If you are concerned that you have to walk on eggshells about anything....you already have a basic problem with the boat.
A close and healthy relationship requires us to be willing to be open and transparent with each other...to be willing to be vulnerable and trust our soft underbelly with each other. This, of course, requires a basic trust of each other.
This applies to both..not just one.
The very fact that you are on a forum asking for help (the right thing to do)...indicates that it is a problem for YOU!. The fact that y ou can share your fears with total strangers...yet, not with him...indicates that there is a problem of communication, already.
Problems that are not addressed in the light of day, go underground and fester, until, one day they erupt and spew the toxins all around.
If they cannot be discussed now, then they just become even harder to discuss down the road.
to answer your question...that he answered "yes"....is that a typical admission?...My answer is that some people do and some people don't.
He may secretly realize that he has a "problem" with alcohol....and, may or may not be willing to face it and address it.
Only he knows that. We can't tell you where he is at with all of this.
You sure could ask him, though.
It is my belief, that, when there is an issue in a marriage...that both parties need to put all the cards out on the table. All the cards.
This is done by putting all of your fears, concerns, needs and desires on the table. Total personal honesty.
That is where the process has to begin.....Then, there are no secrets and hidden fears...no walking on eggshells out of fear of "rocking the boat"....
As you learn more about alcoholism, you will learn that nothing you say or do will cause an alcoholic to drink. An alcoholic drinks because they are alcoholics, at baseline. They can make all manner of excuses and blame lots of circumstances (they usually do)...but, the fact still remains that alcoholics drink because that is what they do to cope with life and their feelings (good and bad feelings).
You say that you are fulfilled in all respects, but, I can see that you are very worried..and, I will bet the kid's milk money that this is lurking in the back of your mind...a grey cloud that interrupts your serenity and peace of mind....
It is my suggestion that it is better to face it now, before the grey cloud turns into a thundercloud....
Now, I imagine that you are a bit chagrined that I am speaking to you so candidly. You came for help, and I feel that you deserve nothing less than the truth of my (our) experience.
If anything that I have shared helps, good. Just take what works and leave the rest....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Jessica....there is one more important thing that I want to share with you.....
There is one thing that you can begin to do, right now.....You can become an "expert" (lol...a lay expert) on alcoholism. You have a rare opportunity, here....
Under the stickies at the top of the main page, there is a thread called "classic Readings"....it is a collection of information on alcoholism and co-dependency that is better than you will find in one place, anywhere!!
Read that material. Also, there are thousands of real life stories of others who have been in your same shoes....read these stories.
Gain this knowledge because it will educate you as to what you MAY be up against. You can't control him...but, you certainly need to know what you may be facing...
Knowledge is power.
There is one thing that you can begin to do, right now.....You can become an "expert" (lol...a lay expert) on alcoholism. You have a rare opportunity, here....
Under the stickies at the top of the main page, there is a thread called "classic Readings"....it is a collection of information on alcoholism and co-dependency that is better than you will find in one place, anywhere!!
Read that material. Also, there are thousands of real life stories of others who have been in your same shoes....read these stories.
Gain this knowledge because it will educate you as to what you MAY be up against. You can't control him...but, you certainly need to know what you may be facing...
Knowledge is power.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 179
I should have paid attention when my xa showed up for our first date smashed. I should have listened when his roommates said it was normal for him to just go and pass out when he'd had enough beer (usually a 12 pack). I should have listened when I learned he came to CA to get away from drug addiction in another state.
I am not saying that your situation is the same. But, if you feel like he is drinking a little more than other people you know or more than you feel comfortable with, you should listen to your intuition.
I am not saying that your situation is the same. But, if you feel like he is drinking a little more than other people you know or more than you feel comfortable with, you should listen to your intuition.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
setting aside the quantity he drinks (altho it is interesting and telling that you knows those amounts.....) how do you feel WHEN he drinks? when he gets tipsy or drunk? is it affecting your relationship? do you retreat or wish he would just go away when he's under the influence?
whether or not he can be classified as an ALCOHOLIC is secondary to how much of a problem HIS drinking is for YOU.
whether or not he can be classified as an ALCOHOLIC is secondary to how much of a problem HIS drinking is for YOU.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Jessica,
Welcome to SR, I am sorry that you are here.
I wish 34 years ago when I started dating AXH that I had listened to my red flags, like you are. I kept telling myself that I could hand anything. Well, I couldn't. What I did not understand was, that alcoholism is progressive. Today and tomorrow you can handle it, its long term affects and hard ache on you, is what takes a toll.
Like Anvil said, does having a title on it mean anything. You have an issue with his drinking, he acknowledged his drinking, what more do you need. So the question is, how do you move forward? You can read around the f & f forum and see all the pain us enablers feel. Alcoholism is a family disease, it does not only affect the addict. Take your time, educate yourself and make a sound decision on what you need to do for your future.
Sending hugs my friend, I know it hurts and you love him. We all love our addicts, but love does not "fix" alcoholism.
Welcome to SR, I am sorry that you are here.
I wish 34 years ago when I started dating AXH that I had listened to my red flags, like you are. I kept telling myself that I could hand anything. Well, I couldn't. What I did not understand was, that alcoholism is progressive. Today and tomorrow you can handle it, its long term affects and hard ache on you, is what takes a toll.
Like Anvil said, does having a title on it mean anything. You have an issue with his drinking, he acknowledged his drinking, what more do you need. So the question is, how do you move forward? You can read around the f & f forum and see all the pain us enablers feel. Alcoholism is a family disease, it does not only affect the addict. Take your time, educate yourself and make a sound decision on what you need to do for your future.
Sending hugs my friend, I know it hurts and you love him. We all love our addicts, but love does not "fix" alcoholism.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Gauteng
Posts: 12
Thank you very much for all the responses.
I will definitely start reading the Sticky's as well. I did read a thread about Control last night, and I'm mature enough to know that one can not control their actions and they will drink regardless of what you say/don't say.
I can't pin point my feelings about the drinking yet. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Fact is I am concerned, and it does bother me, I'm not sure to what extend yet. One thing that I do know is, that it is also messing around with his sleeping pattern, because by 20:30 at night he falls asleep but get up at 3am again to start working - obviously because he went to bed so early.
I want to wait for the right opportunity to maybe discuss with him again. We both have been very busy the past few days (work related) and there haven't been much time to discuss anything deep or meaningful but maybe over this coming weekend.
Another thing I noticed is that it looks to me like he has been living quite a secluded life the past few months/year. My mind is telling me it is because of the drinking. Except for contact with business acquaintances there aren't other people visiting/calling except for some family members - but they only call him now and then, and they live far away.
Will keep you posted. Thank you for the support.
I will definitely start reading the Sticky's as well. I did read a thread about Control last night, and I'm mature enough to know that one can not control their actions and they will drink regardless of what you say/don't say.
I can't pin point my feelings about the drinking yet. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Fact is I am concerned, and it does bother me, I'm not sure to what extend yet. One thing that I do know is, that it is also messing around with his sleeping pattern, because by 20:30 at night he falls asleep but get up at 3am again to start working - obviously because he went to bed so early.
I want to wait for the right opportunity to maybe discuss with him again. We both have been very busy the past few days (work related) and there haven't been much time to discuss anything deep or meaningful but maybe over this coming weekend.
Another thing I noticed is that it looks to me like he has been living quite a secluded life the past few months/year. My mind is telling me it is because of the drinking. Except for contact with business acquaintances there aren't other people visiting/calling except for some family members - but they only call him now and then, and they live far away.
Will keep you posted. Thank you for the support.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
hi Jessica, you might need to decide how much you dislike his drinking, because persuading an A to become sober can be a soul destroying effort. From what you say it does sound like he has a problem, especially the bit about him hanging out to start drinking for the day.
If you have a really loving relationship he might try for your sake, but don't count on it. Alcoholism is about habit, coping and a chemical addiction. It takes real conviction to stop for the rest of your life, and he will have to stop altogether.
If you have a really loving relationship he might try for your sake, but don't count on it. Alcoholism is about habit, coping and a chemical addiction. It takes real conviction to stop for the rest of your life, and he will have to stop altogether.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Gauteng
Posts: 12
Thank you FeelingGreat and everyone else. It helps to have a platform to discuss this.
I think to sum up my feelings in one word is "disappointment". I never ever expected this. If someone had to call me a few years ago telling me he became an A - I would never have believed them. Seeing it is a different story.
I do love him - that much I know!
I think to sum up my feelings in one word is "disappointment". I never ever expected this. If someone had to call me a few years ago telling me he became an A - I would never have believed them. Seeing it is a different story.
I do love him - that much I know!
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