ulfr

Am going to an AA meeting tomorrow and am very nervous av been before but leave 2 weeks in but i remain sober
Am just so paranoid when am there scared ill say something wrong or do something wrong or that will embarrass myself
paranoid that they will not like who i am ...i have no friends just have my husband i have no kids ...av done nothing with my life for the last 10 years i have been on disability because of my mental health my husband is with me 24/7 because am not safe on my own and sometimes when i am really ill i am not safe around other people

until last year i was scared id hurt people around me because of OCD
Buses where a night mare its was so bad that i had to have my husband hold my hands then last year we got a car for a little while but then we couldnt afford it and we where back on buses again but this time my husband didnt need to hold my hand i dont know what change the break from the buses must have helped me in some way

but even now i sometimes feel like that sometimes i have to stop myself ... my mental health is at its worst at the moment Septmber was the anniversary of my step dad suicide
Its been 5 years since but its harder every year
I have been more paranoid i am on 4 differnt medications
I cant have money and i have been very psychotic of late
things like i can fly etc
av been back and forth with AA id like to stick with it and have friends who are sober and who are understanding
I am starting to read the big book on my kindle i can read it on the bus with out anyone knowing its AA book that i am reading not that am worried about that

I HAVE TO STICK TO AA If i want to be happy and healthy
unsure what the old timers are going to say to me when i have came back yet again ( this will be the 5th time av tried to be in AA )
I NEED AA and i need to try and face the truth that i need a 12 step program to get me healthy and happy and no drink no drugs no self injury and no eating disordered behavior

january161992

i have known many many people who tried to get sober over and over for years and years and now have many years of continuous sobriety

we keep coming back

we are always welcome in aa

Delizadee

If anyone gives you a hard time in AA for going back out drinking, they are in the wrong place- not you.
“The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking."

You will maybe have to draw up a little strength to get yourself in the door. But remember that you're all there for the same reason. Each of us have been standing at that threshold before. We don't come to judge, we come to support one another with our experience, strength and hope right?

If you need help maybe call the AA hotline and explain your situation and see if there is someone who can accompany you and help you feel more at ease.
Don't hold yourself back from going, it will seem scary at first, but it gets better with time, especially if you are able to stay away from the drinking. You can do this!

Also, have you been to a psychiatrist, counselor or therapist? Or looked into any kind of grief counseling? I know one thing I really struggle with to this day is the death of a very close friend a year and a half ago. I am working my way towards dealing with the grief and loss of my friend in my recovery work.

I hope you can surround yourself with some good support. Stick it out and you will find yourself getting stronger in time.

saoutchik

What Delizadee said JF, moreover read your own tagline "no drink or drugs since Feb '15" this is brilliant - you should not fear AA.

Don't worry about the last 10 years, the next 10 are more important

Best wishes

MIRecovery

AAers will love you until you can love yourself. We have all been in your shoes full of fear and shame. Just tell the truth and don't worry about tears. I have cried in meetings more times than I can count.

People only want one thing and that is for you to get better. Trust me people don't go to AA meetings because everything is going great in their lives and they have nothing better to do

Berrybean

Please get to the first meeting sooner rather than later. One thing I've learnt since being just AA is that most of the things that give me the most fear never actually happen. It all just went on in my own head. This is why meditation helps so many of us. We need to spend more time living in the moment rather than hashing over the past or projecting about the future. Our only tiny little bit of power is in the right here, right now moment.

As well as reading the Big Book, I'd recommend the AA book Living Sober, and also trying some of the AA Speakers. This website has loads for free (and youtube has a lot as well) 5500+ AA Speakers & Tapes - Organized & Mobile-Friendly!
I like to keep some on a little mp3 player in my bag so I can listen in between meetings.

Also, there are lots of diffrent AA meetings. If you try all of the ones in your area you will gradually get to know more people, and learn which ones help you the most. We're a mixed bunch in the fellowship, so there's bound to be some people that, after a while, you feel comfortable with. You won't need to say a thing. You can just sit and listen.

Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB

lexilynn

Here is a link Jesus freak that you may be interested in reading before your first AA meeting,

https://www.verywell.com/what-can-i-...-meeting-63409