ClearLight

In spite of years of trying to quit I have not been able to quit.
My drinking is ruining my health and finances.
Yesterday I was taking a good look at my finances and before I did I prayed for God to help me. He did. Then I went and drank last night.
I should have been sober in thanks and I went and drank anyway.

I'm going to an AA meeting tonight. But I am afraid of what God might do to me now. Almost everything that has been negative has happened after a night of drinking - or during a night of drinking. I am deeply afraid.

Sorry for the heavy negative post but I had to get it off my chest.

FLCamper

Everyone has their own perspective. This is mine: God is very forgiving. My thought is that you're getting another chance. So, take it. Go to your meeting and use this opportunity to sober up.

ScottFromWI

I think going to an aa meeting is a good idea tonight. I don't know your God but I bet that he/she would want you to go too if it will help you.

doggonecarl

God doesn't have to punish you. Your drinking is punishment enough. Get some numbers at the AA meeting, if you don't already have some, and call someone the next time the urge to drink hits.

oldsoul112249

Great you are going to a meeting. You may hear something you need to help you. If you have a sponsor you could discuss your concerns with them. Don't drink...nothing negative will happen. Move forward.

january161992

God's smiling down on you for making a great choice

and a selfless choice because getting sober will help everyone

Midwest1981

God is merciful and very forgiving if you ask him to forgive you.

I have been there many times!


I am glad you are going to a meeting. Tomorrow will be a lot better.

ClearLight

Thanks for all the posts. I will get to the meeting and get some numbers. And I will pray and ask forgiveness.

wpainterw

Clear Light:

Here is a quote for you which may help you feel better.

The Gate of the Year

“And I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year: ‘Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.’
And he replied:‘Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the Hand of God. That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way.’
So I went forth, and finding the Hand of God, trod gladly into the night. And He led me towards the hills and the breaking of day in the lone East.”

* * *

From a poem, popularly known as "The Gate of the Year" by Minnie Louise Haskins, published in 1908, the original title having been "God Knows", part of a collection titled “The Desert”. The poem was quoted by England’s King George VI in his 1939 Christmas broadcast to the British Empire. Hitler had invaded Poland and England had entered the war with Germany These words. engraved on brass plaques, remain fixed to the gates of the King George VI Memorial Chapel at Windsor Castle, where the King was interred. When Queen Elizabeth (the Queen Mother) was also buried there in 2002, the poem was read at her state funeral.

Don't be afraid. Go to the AA meeting and start your recovery!

Bill.

ClearLight

painter - amazing quote. Will do.

Algorithm

Have you considered pledging to God to abstain from alcohol?

This was once common for people like ourselves, but not so much these days. It can be effective.

ClearLight

Algorithm - I have many times only to let God down.

It's a horrible feeling to promise God something and then let God down. That is what happened yesterday.
God helped my out and I said to God I would now make the change.
But then, in a moment of supreme arrogance and selfishness I bought and drank. And then drank some more.
When I woke up this morning there was nothing but shame and fear and pain. I feel like a complete ******* that really deserves to be punished.

I have begged for forgiveness and I will try to trust in God completely. Painter's quote was great.

Algorithm

I doubt he would want you to stop trying, and to resign yourself to an alcoholic death. Resignation is the worst thing we can do.

fini

Almost everything that has been negative has happened after a night of drinking - or during a night of drinking. I am deeply afraid.

ClearLight, that makes sense just in and of itself.
doesn't take god/a god to punish you to experience negative consequences from or while drinking. that's kinda built into it for people like us.

fred59

God(good orderly direction) is not going to do anything to you so forgive yourself and get busy in recovery you will be fine. SR is here for you,what helps me is checking in everyday and making a 24 hour commitment to sobriety, good luck.

Mountainmanbob

I believe what a few say,
"the fear of God is the beginning of wisdom."
What you are experiencing may be a good thing ?
MB

resolute50

It says in:

1 Corinthians 14:33
"For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints."

Gods plan for you is to live a life that is fruitful.
We are his children and he cares very much for us.
It can take many tries to get on the narrow path and not the wide one that leads to destruction.

ClearLight

Thanks!
I am trying to get on that path. I'm finally back posting here after years of just hanging out.
Right mow I'm at the meeting.

Dee74

Hey ClearLight.

I reckon I punished myself enough - sounds like you're the same.

My God's not interested in punishing me - but I believe He does want to see me well.

God can move mountains - but I discovered He wanted me to pick up a shovel too...I was angry at the time because I wanted one of those all obsession removed bolts from the sky I'd heard other people had.

(I'm not denigrating or dismissing those experiences - I'm speaking of the time when I was still an active drinker and had never met an AA member)

I'm glad I had to pick up a shovel tho - I learned a heck of a lot that way, and I grew into how I am today.

There is definitely method in His madness

Fly N Buy

Guilt, shame and remorse are human emotions based on a God centered spirit. He wants us happy, not living in fear.

It is in trying and seeking we find His love. There is no beginning or end to our journeys - it simply takes many of us longer than others. I too am in that boat with ya, certainly.