I moved out, dealing with guilt.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Midwest
Posts: 120
I moved out, dealing with guilt.
I talked with AH before moving out, but didn't tell him exactly when I'd be moving. We talked the morning of the move, and he left before the movers came. I still feel guilt and still constantly doubt my decisions, which I know takes time to deal with.
I don't want a divorce and I told him that. I also told him things could not continue the way they were going. Thoughts pop into my head like oh you should have given him more time. Then I remember he's had a few years to get things on track, and he chose to relax and let me handle most of the responsibilities.
I'm just kind of lost at this point, because I feel like I should be DOING something about this problem. Then I again remember that is the codie in me. Nothing I can do but take care of myself and I'm sad because that hasn't come naturally to me.
I also thought it would be unfair to give him an ultimatum like stop drinking or I'm leaving. So I left first and he now has the choice. He knows I'm rooting for him, he knows I still love him. I pray for him and hope he can pull it together.
I don't want a divorce and I told him that. I also told him things could not continue the way they were going. Thoughts pop into my head like oh you should have given him more time. Then I remember he's had a few years to get things on track, and he chose to relax and let me handle most of the responsibilities.
I'm just kind of lost at this point, because I feel like I should be DOING something about this problem. Then I again remember that is the codie in me. Nothing I can do but take care of myself and I'm sad because that hasn't come naturally to me.
I also thought it would be unfair to give him an ultimatum like stop drinking or I'm leaving. So I left first and he now has the choice. He knows I'm rooting for him, he knows I still love him. I pray for him and hope he can pull it together.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It isn't your problem to "do something about"--it's his, and his alone.
And actually, though I had given my second husband a heads-up that I wasn't going to wait around while he continued to kill himself and let me support us while he devoted his time to drinking, I did the same thing as you. I walked. IMO, the advantage of doing it this way is that we get to depart with both parties retaining a modicum of dignity. It isn't the end of a battle over how one person should live his life.
Congrats on your newfound freedom. It may feel very strange and sad right now, but I think you'll be surprised how much more peaceful life is when you don't have to come home every day wondering what the evening holds.
Hugs!
And actually, though I had given my second husband a heads-up that I wasn't going to wait around while he continued to kill himself and let me support us while he devoted his time to drinking, I did the same thing as you. I walked. IMO, the advantage of doing it this way is that we get to depart with both parties retaining a modicum of dignity. It isn't the end of a battle over how one person should live his life.
Congrats on your newfound freedom. It may feel very strange and sad right now, but I think you'll be surprised how much more peaceful life is when you don't have to come home every day wondering what the evening holds.
Hugs!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
if you moved out hoping he would see the light OR come chasing after you, your motives are misplaced. be very cautious of any small moves on his part, to purr and coo in your ear and offer promises. moving out is a big step and should not be taken lightly.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
BeachPlease.....feeling guilt....misplaced guilt....when you have not done anything wrong....is a sign that you have some kind of baggage from you past...(most probably from your growing up years)..that you need to unearth and deal with.
best way to do that is to gift yourself individual therapy and the loving support of a group such as alanon or similar group......
You are standing at the threshold of a great opportunity to gain insight into your self....and, it will, forever, change the way everything looks!
best way to do that is to gift yourself individual therapy and the loving support of a group such as alanon or similar group......
You are standing at the threshold of a great opportunity to gain insight into your self....and, it will, forever, change the way everything looks!
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
I agree that guilt stems from something completely else. Now that you no longer enable him and pay for his roof over his head, food in the fridge, and so many other supports to the extent that he doesn't even feel the need to have a job is the best "gift" you could have given himself to either "get it together" or... NOT. If it's the NOT, at least you've extricated yourself from his mess which is the hardest first step. I'm rooting for YOU.
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 179
BeachPlease,
Love the name btw. I am almost in the same exact place you are. Only out of this relationship for 3 weeks. There are lots of emotions that come with such a huge decision. I can't even give any advice. I can say though that you are not alone. If you need to talk at all, let me know.
HUGS to you.
Love the name btw. I am almost in the same exact place you are. Only out of this relationship for 3 weeks. There are lots of emotions that come with such a huge decision. I can't even give any advice. I can say though that you are not alone. If you need to talk at all, let me know.
HUGS to you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear BP
You might be fighting these feelings for some time.
Whenever I start second guessing my own departure, I remember the nights when I would fantasize about leaving for Florida in the middle of the night, driving drunk.
Leaving now is the best thing you could do for yourself.
You might be fighting these feelings for some time.
Whenever I start second guessing my own departure, I remember the nights when I would fantasize about leaving for Florida in the middle of the night, driving drunk.
Leaving now is the best thing you could do for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
It has been 7 months post breakup for me and I am still dealing with guilt. I think it's normal for someone who is codependent when they switch from being externally focused to internally focused.... it's not our "normal" way of thinking so it feels "wrong". We have been groomed to think about others before ourselves... perhaps even being punished when we tried to put ourselves first...
It gets easier with time but I have to constantly remind myself of why I left. Today I was feeling guilt and panic over the fact that I had "everything" and I still wasn't happy.... I started to hear my ex shaming me... "aren't you ever happy?"....just because things look good on paper or from the outside it doesn't mean it's healthy or meant to be...
What helped me get over the guilt was reminding myself that by ceasing to enable him I was empowering him, even if it hurt me, and that coincided with my innate drive to help others. It's a win-win because IMO when we stop enabling we can start to heal.
It gets easier with time but I have to constantly remind myself of why I left. Today I was feeling guilt and panic over the fact that I had "everything" and I still wasn't happy.... I started to hear my ex shaming me... "aren't you ever happy?"....just because things look good on paper or from the outside it doesn't mean it's healthy or meant to be...
What helped me get over the guilt was reminding myself that by ceasing to enable him I was empowering him, even if it hurt me, and that coincided with my innate drive to help others. It's a win-win because IMO when we stop enabling we can start to heal.
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: East Coast
Posts: 102
BeachPlease (also love the name!) I, too, don't have much advice because I am in a similar boat -- moved out 5 weeks ago. I think Expanding nailed it on the head, "I think it's normal for someone who is codependent when they switch from being externally focused to internally focused.... it's not our "normal" way of thinking so it feels "wrong". We have been groomed to think about others before ourselves... perhaps even being punished when we tried to put ourselves first..." (sorry new here and don't know how to properly quote!)
I know for me individual therapy, Al Anon and supportive friends & family have worked WONDERS and I feel more like myself each day. Perhaps just as important, the guilt is going away.
In fact when AH entered rehab I didn't even realize I needed my own recovery - only when I finally realized that and started working on MY recovery did the lightbulb go off. I deserve SO much more than what AH could ever give me. I had accepted too little for too long, and that was a breakthrough. We're separated with the intent to divorce and I know it's in my best interest.
You're definitely not alone and you can count me as one more person rooting for YOU - whatever your happy ending looks like
I know for me individual therapy, Al Anon and supportive friends & family have worked WONDERS and I feel more like myself each day. Perhaps just as important, the guilt is going away.
In fact when AH entered rehab I didn't even realize I needed my own recovery - only when I finally realized that and started working on MY recovery did the lightbulb go off. I deserve SO much more than what AH could ever give me. I had accepted too little for too long, and that was a breakthrough. We're separated with the intent to divorce and I know it's in my best interest.
You're definitely not alone and you can count me as one more person rooting for YOU - whatever your happy ending looks like
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
Yes, CaptainM!
My own therapy has worked wonders for my healing. I was also finally able to go no contact about a month ago and I credit the majority of my happiness to that recently. Not just the ex, but his family and friends too. I am still making some adjustments as I have had a couple sightings but I feel so much more in control of my life now. I am no longer being pulled around by his drinking and my obsessive need to stop it!
It's crazy reading my earlier post about feeling guilt and panic, both too are going away.
They say time heals but I think in most of our cases, we need time and recovery work. I feel amazing and I know a lot of it has to do with facing my own demons. It takes two to tango and my demons danced really well with his for eight years... that told me something
My own therapy has worked wonders for my healing. I was also finally able to go no contact about a month ago and I credit the majority of my happiness to that recently. Not just the ex, but his family and friends too. I am still making some adjustments as I have had a couple sightings but I feel so much more in control of my life now. I am no longer being pulled around by his drinking and my obsessive need to stop it!
It's crazy reading my earlier post about feeling guilt and panic, both too are going away.
They say time heals but I think in most of our cases, we need time and recovery work. I feel amazing and I know a lot of it has to do with facing my own demons. It takes two to tango and my demons danced really well with his for eight years... that told me something
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