Saw an old friend tonight.
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Saw an old friend tonight.
Tonight I saw an old friend from over fifteen years ago. I told him I stopped drinking, and over the course of the night he and his girlfriend got hammered. I wasn't uncomfortable because we played music and had some good conversation and that was really fun so it shadowed the fact that they got drunk.
We used to party a long time ago, but nothing wild by my later standards, and we have a strong creative connection- we did things together. He wasn't a "drinking buddy" back then, but more of a music and art buddy.
Anyway, it was the first time anyone has really grilled me about my decision to get sober. They asked me, "why did you stop drinking? Like, did something HAPPEN?" I said, " Yes and no. I had enough. It wasn't doing anything for me, and I came to realize it never will." Later he said, "OK, so, in order to really be myself, to express and create, I need an edge. I know you need that edge. I know you. So, what do you do for that edge?" What a question. I said, "I don't need an edge. I am the edge. I don't get that externally. It actually doesn't help anything. It numbs me. For a long time I told myself that I needed alcohol for a lot of things - to have an edge, to feel sharp, to feel calm, all kinds of things. But then I started to think it was a lie. I was right." It was a buzzkill, but I told myself that he was the one who asked. He said, "Well I think I need an edge... maybe that's a problem I should look at. But not right now. But I still don't understand. I really wanted to drink with you. I haven't seen you in so long." I said, "Oh, well." He said, "You said you stopped drinking like two months ago. So, it's not like it's something you did a long time ago. Don't you want to drink?" I was watching him, asking me something he'd never say sober. I realized how much I meant my answer, with an enormous conviction I didn't know I have. I said, "No, it's the last thing I want, honestly. Don't you love my 'edge'?!"
We played music after that. He slowed down the booze.
By the end of the night, his girlfriend could barely stand. I left feeling so thankful that I am sober. At the beginning of the night I had felt a pang. I honestly think that if I hadn't told him upfront before going over there that I don't drink anymore, I would have felt really tempted at first. As the night wore on though, I was so, so thankful. They drink exactly the way I did in the end. They drank five bottles of wine between the two of them: three at home and two in a restaurant. Maybe the way they drink isn't a problem for them. I'd assume it isn't, since they did it. But for me, it was like watching the tape play from the outside: the tape I had played for myself before I went over there, when I was in the car driving over. I didn't want to drink because to me, I would start out happy, gravitate to intense, say a few weird things, then say inappropriate things, then get clumsy, then fall down, then get angry or emotional, then fall asleep and wake up after a couple hours filled with anxiety, unable to sleep, rinse, repeat. For me that became unmanageable, and I'd not intend to drink like that at the beginning of the night, but it would happen. You think you'll just have one, but you end up crumpled on the stairs at the end of the night unable to say goodbye to the guest. I had to walk down the stairs to give her a half hug and tell her how nice it was to meet her.
I'm grateful to be sober. Eight weeks and a day today.
We used to party a long time ago, but nothing wild by my later standards, and we have a strong creative connection- we did things together. He wasn't a "drinking buddy" back then, but more of a music and art buddy.
Anyway, it was the first time anyone has really grilled me about my decision to get sober. They asked me, "why did you stop drinking? Like, did something HAPPEN?" I said, " Yes and no. I had enough. It wasn't doing anything for me, and I came to realize it never will." Later he said, "OK, so, in order to really be myself, to express and create, I need an edge. I know you need that edge. I know you. So, what do you do for that edge?" What a question. I said, "I don't need an edge. I am the edge. I don't get that externally. It actually doesn't help anything. It numbs me. For a long time I told myself that I needed alcohol for a lot of things - to have an edge, to feel sharp, to feel calm, all kinds of things. But then I started to think it was a lie. I was right." It was a buzzkill, but I told myself that he was the one who asked. He said, "Well I think I need an edge... maybe that's a problem I should look at. But not right now. But I still don't understand. I really wanted to drink with you. I haven't seen you in so long." I said, "Oh, well." He said, "You said you stopped drinking like two months ago. So, it's not like it's something you did a long time ago. Don't you want to drink?" I was watching him, asking me something he'd never say sober. I realized how much I meant my answer, with an enormous conviction I didn't know I have. I said, "No, it's the last thing I want, honestly. Don't you love my 'edge'?!"
We played music after that. He slowed down the booze.
By the end of the night, his girlfriend could barely stand. I left feeling so thankful that I am sober. At the beginning of the night I had felt a pang. I honestly think that if I hadn't told him upfront before going over there that I don't drink anymore, I would have felt really tempted at first. As the night wore on though, I was so, so thankful. They drink exactly the way I did in the end. They drank five bottles of wine between the two of them: three at home and two in a restaurant. Maybe the way they drink isn't a problem for them. I'd assume it isn't, since they did it. But for me, it was like watching the tape play from the outside: the tape I had played for myself before I went over there, when I was in the car driving over. I didn't want to drink because to me, I would start out happy, gravitate to intense, say a few weird things, then say inappropriate things, then get clumsy, then fall down, then get angry or emotional, then fall asleep and wake up after a couple hours filled with anxiety, unable to sleep, rinse, repeat. For me that became unmanageable, and I'd not intend to drink like that at the beginning of the night, but it would happen. You think you'll just have one, but you end up crumpled on the stairs at the end of the night unable to say goodbye to the guest. I had to walk down the stairs to give her a half hug and tell her how nice it was to meet her.
I'm grateful to be sober. Eight weeks and a day today.
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Bexxed, as ever you're posts are amazing. Well done, I'm so proud of you! Sure I'm back on Day 1 again, and so can't really add much. But I do want to say thanks-you help me believe that I can turn this whole rubbish around. I think that's what this forum is about-even if we're sure we've had enough, reading how other people go through the same nightmare makes us feel we're not alone. We're all fighting this fight. Whatever reasons we have to drink, nothing's going to change if we don't change. Thanks bexxed, you're an inspiration
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Great post Bexxed. Your great accomplishment is very inspiring to read. Your strength gives us strength. I'm going to remember it for the next time I'm in a situation with an old friend that drinks and is asking me to join in.
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Thank you for your post, Bexxed. Good reminder about why we stop. For my part, I stopped going to bars and clubs after I stopped drinking--not sayingyou should, just saying I did. They just aren't fun when you aren't drinking. Peace.
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Yeah, Maudcat, I actually have stopped going to bars and nightclubs. They aren't fun. Last night I went to an old friend's house and a Thai restaurant. I'm out of town, in the city my friend happens to live in. That's how I happened into the circumstance.
I don't support going to bars, etc. This was not that. What it became was something that was a surprise illustration of how ludicrous and sad the AV is. I seriously never want to go back there again, seeing that. It's a tape I will play in my head in the future as well.
I don't support going to bars, etc. This was not that. What it became was something that was a surprise illustration of how ludicrous and sad the AV is. I seriously never want to go back there again, seeing that. It's a tape I will play in my head in the future as well.
I could see peace instead of this
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Oh man, did I ever love this post; especially this part:
Thank you so much; this was just brilliant!
"I don't need an edge. I am the edge. I don't get that externally. It actually doesn't help anything. It numbs me. For a long time I told myself that I needed alcohol for a lot of things - to have an edge, to feel sharp, to feel calm, all kinds of things. But then I started to think it was a lie. I was right."
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oh!
i mean: i love how you genuinely stated what is/was true for you, and didn't just "mouth" platitudes or re-hearsed answers.
it sounded, from your post, like such a spontaneous expression of deep knowing about yourself, such positive solidity.
i mean: i love how you genuinely stated what is/was true for you, and didn't just "mouth" platitudes or re-hearsed answers.
it sounded, from your post, like such a spontaneous expression of deep knowing about yourself, such positive solidity.
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Well done, Bexxed.
Reminds me of being grilled about my choice to get sober. This happened over the summer, and came from a guy I met at work. He was trying to wrap his head around the fact I've been sober 3.5 years, and why I chose this for myself. Many times it came up in conversation. As it turns out, he is a daily drinker. He assured me he only has a 'few' and can stop any time he wants. He doesn't get drunk, and so on. Yeah, whatever. Who knows, and who cares. His choice, right?
What I felt, after a while, was that this person felt ok with pushing me to justify myself and my choices. And you know? I don't owe him that. I don't owe him a thing.
Anyway, I hear a lot of confidence and good things in your post.
Reminds me of being grilled about my choice to get sober. This happened over the summer, and came from a guy I met at work. He was trying to wrap his head around the fact I've been sober 3.5 years, and why I chose this for myself. Many times it came up in conversation. As it turns out, he is a daily drinker. He assured me he only has a 'few' and can stop any time he wants. He doesn't get drunk, and so on. Yeah, whatever. Who knows, and who cares. His choice, right?
What I felt, after a while, was that this person felt ok with pushing me to justify myself and my choices. And you know? I don't owe him that. I don't owe him a thing.
Anyway, I hear a lot of confidence and good things in your post.
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Very true, Soberpotamus. I don't get into many conversations about sobriety these days--except on SR. When I do, it's often someone who wants the gory details about why I stopped. Surprise! There weren't any. It was probably the quietest not-gonna-do-this-anymore ever. Peace.
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I have a few gory details, myself, Maudcat. Though, ultimately, no one need agree with any of my reasons. And yours is a good point. When the consequences aren't that obvious or that 'bad' as others, when enough is enough, and we draw the line in the sand, that act and that choice need no rationalization.
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Oh, I understand you now, fini.
Yeah, it's pretty awesome. I didn't have anything "rehearsed". I have canned things I say to some people, who mostly back off. They are mostly people who I don't want to have personal conversations with anyway. This friend is different. Although he kind of pressed pretty hard and I personally think it was a bit intrusive, and, he was drunk. So the words kind of tumbled out of my mouth and you know it felt really good. I went from feeling like I was risking attack to feeling more in control than I am used to in recent memory.
Maybe I should remember that as: the truth is a really powerful thing I ought to have a good relationship with.
I'm still, so unbelievably grateful that I never have to drink, ever again. Watching what happens live in front of me was actually a healthy if creepy reminder. The other part I didn't really focus on in the post is that we played music together. And I'm really not a bad musician. One might call me good. And I never, ever played with people for the most part because when I drink I get sloppy. My fingers don't work as well, I lose rhythm. But the other night I was really on. And it felt amazing. I'm excited to know this about myself.
Yeah, it's pretty awesome. I didn't have anything "rehearsed". I have canned things I say to some people, who mostly back off. They are mostly people who I don't want to have personal conversations with anyway. This friend is different. Although he kind of pressed pretty hard and I personally think it was a bit intrusive, and, he was drunk. So the words kind of tumbled out of my mouth and you know it felt really good. I went from feeling like I was risking attack to feeling more in control than I am used to in recent memory.
Maybe I should remember that as: the truth is a really powerful thing I ought to have a good relationship with.
I'm still, so unbelievably grateful that I never have to drink, ever again. Watching what happens live in front of me was actually a healthy if creepy reminder. The other part I didn't really focus on in the post is that we played music together. And I'm really not a bad musician. One might call me good. And I never, ever played with people for the most part because when I drink I get sloppy. My fingers don't work as well, I lose rhythm. But the other night I was really on. And it felt amazing. I'm excited to know this about myself.
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What a great post! Congrats on how you are living your life, bexxed. There is an expression about nothing being worse than being around a bunch of drunks when you're not. But the truth of that statement is that you see, (play the tape as you said), how it is from the outside.
I often think that drinkers who question other's choice of sobriety are wrestling with their own choices. My theory is that the drinker uses the sober person as an outlet to argue with about why they themselves can't quit drinking. They want to hear how hard sobriety is and how awful it is in order to justify their own continued drinking. And if you can give them a horror story of why you quit then they can use that to justify themselves by saying well I'm not THAT bad.
I often think that drinkers who question other's choice of sobriety are wrestling with their own choices. My theory is that the drinker uses the sober person as an outlet to argue with about why they themselves can't quit drinking. They want to hear how hard sobriety is and how awful it is in order to justify their own continued drinking. And if you can give them a horror story of why you quit then they can use that to justify themselves by saying well I'm not THAT bad.
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Great thread! You did very well, Bexxed! Myself, no way would I have spent an evening with one of my old drinking buddies after only eight weeks sober. Not even seven months sober now.
One of the things you mentioned was your friend asking, "did anything happen?" You see that so many times in TV and movies trying to be dramatic. The characters will go stone cold sober after running a school bus off a cliff or something. No, for most of us, I think we eventually just one day have had enough.
One of the things you mentioned was your friend asking, "did anything happen?" You see that so many times in TV and movies trying to be dramatic. The characters will go stone cold sober after running a school bus off a cliff or something. No, for most of us, I think we eventually just one day have had enough.
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