Smarie78

When my Abf is on a binge he will often break down into a depression and cry in between passing out from drunkenness saying "I hate me" with tears running down his face, and that "I don't want to be here" ...."I want to die"..."I'm a horrible person, I don't like me"..."I want to die'...

While I always take these threats very seriously, I find that when he falls asleep and tries to get sober again he barely remembers that and is back to his old self again. While granted he does have a lot of issues clearly that lead to his drinking, which must be treated for the addiction to stay at bay, how common is this with A's to say things like this when off the wagon?

I understand Alcohol is a major depressant so can bring these sad feelings to the surface, but is this crying declaration typical of A's?

pndm07

Yes this type of behavior when off the wagon it's about as common as sneezing with a cold. I also believe it is a way of trying to get sympathy. They do tend to wallow in their own self pity ad nauseum. I don't think the worry that they put us through registers at all.

3littlebirds

Yep my AH and my dad have both threatened suicide, in both cases they were trying to take the focus off of some horrible thing they did. If I would have known then what I know now I would have responded a lot differently.

firebolt

I think it's a sadly common occurrence. And it is ALWAYS a good idea to take it seriously and call the police or an ambulance for them. You are not a suicide negotiator, that is your ONLY responsibility when they go down that road.

MyLoves

yes, very common and is almost always a way of shifting the focus from the ****** things they do/are doing. a person who is truly suicidal and depressed doesn't announce it to the whole world. they keep it deep inside until they can't hold it in any longer and actually try.

LexieCat

Saying one "wants to die" isn't necessarily a suicide threat. I think an awful lot of alcoholics feel that way and express it, who aren't actually suicidal.

I remember feeling that way when I was still drinking, and I wasn't remotely close to suicidal--just feeling sorry for myself.

Fluffer

Well, that manipulation thing may be happening, but a lot of alcoholics are genuinely depressed and self-hating.

MyLoves

and that ^^^ is what i was trying to also say.

LexieCat

Just to be clear, and actual THREAT to commit suicide (or a suicidal gesture, like holding a knife to one's wrist), should trigger a call to 911. An involuntary hold will discourage someone out to play games and maybe safe the life of someone who IS suicidal.

I'm just talking about vague musings about "wanting to die"--I think that's a pretty darned common feeling for alcoholics.

SmallButMighty

My AXH had a severe suicidal incident where he did almost take his own life, he spoke to a doctor about his depression and alcoholism. She changed his meds and encouraged AA. That was the catalyst that got him to his first AA meeting. ( Not that he ever gave it a serious go, he never worked the steps, he didn't even try to get a sponser. However he was an all around better , much calmer, even tempered person when he was sober and attending meetings and I am thankful for those small reprieves)

After that episode, when he would fall off the wagon, he would use threats of suicide to manipulate me. It worked for a long time. It also caused me terrible anxiety and fear on a daily basis, even though the threats were few and far between, it was ALWAYS on my mind, he knew that and used it to his advantage. So sick. Both of us.

I don't doubt that many alcoholics feel helpless and ashamed enough to want to die (as my XAH did initially).

I also think many of them use the threat of suicide as a scare tactic to maintain the status quo ( as my XAH subsequently).

AnvilheadII

i remember wanting to die in the midst of a BAAAAAAD hangover, asking things like "where is the gun?" - i didn't mean i had any desire to end my life, just the gawdawful pain!

that is vastly different from someone whose mental health has deteriorated to the point that they DO want to end their life.

Smarie78

Thank you all SO much. I don't know if you realize how much many of you (LexieCat) have been such a savior to me in these trying days when I can't find answers and my HP is out to lunch Outside of Alanon I am extremely isolated with my A because this life is very secret and I can't just call a friend or my sister when faced with these things. I need to get myself a sponsor for sure.

He is of the wagon right now and like usual, he was just bawling to me on my lap about how much of a terrible person he is and all of the things I outlined in my OP. He reminds me of a child who wants their mom to tell them its ok. I have to say it breaks my heart because I can see the pain there and watching a grown man cry is tough, but I also tell him as I am talking some sense into him, that his thoughts are distorted from all that poison he is putting in his body and that newsflash, alcohol is a depressant!

I say, "look at me...do I think your a terrible person? No. but I think you want things easy and you gotta do the work. You have people who love you and care for you but nothing comes easy. You don't have to feel this lousy way. Is it fun hanging out with a bottle instead of all the things I see you love everyday? You sure don't seem like you hate life when you are sober! If you had cancer, sure I would feel bad because treatment or not, that can't always depend on how much someone wants to feel better. But you are healthy - your life is pretty damn good. You have a gorgeous son, family, friends, a job, and most of all you have treatment options. If I don't take my medicine I get sad too. It's life and you have to deal"

Now he's sound asleep But of course it's scary when someone is in bad shape and cries those things to you. Nothing like an A to turn you into an instant nurse, counselor, grown up, negotiator, coach, mother, housekeeper, exhausted zombie, crazy person all in one fell swoop!

dandylion

MyLoves... It is an often repeated Myth that persons who are suicidal don't "announce it to the world".
sometimes they do...and, sometimes they don't.
Those who collect data on this say that, in the majority of cases, there are clues that the person leaves behind. Some clues are blatant...some are more subtle .

Anytime a person mentions suicide, I take it seriously.

LOl...there are lots of myths surrounding suicide just as there are lo ts of myths surrounding alcoholism......

MyLoves

dandylion you are right. i was just drawing from my own personal experience. there are always 'clues' after the fact.

AnvilheadII

um, i thought you were kicking him out?? if he is truly "bawling in your lap" you are back in ENABLING mode, treating him like a little boy who just got off of time out. haven't you heard this song and dance 100 times? NOTHING HAS CHANGED. but you may need to look HARD into what you get out of all this.......because this is the same "puke on his shoes, shat his pants, drunk out of his head -ruined every place he's ever lived" guy.

Smarie78

I was tough on him last night and when I showed up to my building today after work the front desk said he was sleeping in my hallway! That's when the crying and "I want to die" came over him and yes, admittedly I was sucked back in which is why I posted here. I don't have any experience with suicide and became afraid kicking him out would drive him there. As someone said above, it is likely a manipulation tactic. At any rate, I cant live like this because now I am worried to leave the apartment.

I am going to talk to him when he wakes up and have him call his friend at sober living to stay there while he gets professional help and some stability in his life. It worked for him before we met and he stayed sober for two years. As soon as he moved out and we started dating the cycle of relapse started going on 1 year. I positively hate this - I hate the guilt, the fear...all of it. I assume part of this craziness is even just us being together because we technically, cannot be together right now for other reasons and that's what he was crying about today ("I just want us and I cant take it that we cant be") .

Nothing to do but face the music. both of us.

honeypig

I think you summed it up pretty well right there. Stay the course.

LexieCat

I'd be shocked if sober living would accept him when he's still drinking. They have the well-being of other residents to think about.

Your definition of "tough on him" includes bringing him back into your apartment and letting him sleep? While you are posting about how upset you are?

It's pretty obvious that this man knows where all your buttons are. I seriously doubt he has any intentions of killing himself, but if he does, it would not be your fault. He is, essentially, holding you hostage. I can't imagine why your building's staff would not have kicked him out or called the police. It's not fair to the other tenants to make them look at a drunk guy sleeping in the hallway.

dandylion

Smarie.....if he is talking suicide.....call 911. Every single time.

AnvilheadII

and have him call his friend at sober living to stay there while he gets professional help and some stability in his life

do you see how much you still want to be in control??? you are trying to DIRECT his life and determine the outcome.

you are not his only hope. you are not helping him. you are not responsible for a fully grown man with a wife and kids somewhere. this is how he is choosing to live HIS life. quit making it so dang easy for him. this isn't LOVE you know.............not even close.