SusieJ

Hi

My husband is and Ah and now in rehab not only is he an alcoholic but I found out he has been having an affair for two years. He left me around 6 weeks ago to be with this woman it has been very public and he has humiliated me so much. He's said thing under his booze fuelled haze that he loves her big time and all this stuff you don't want to hear. When he left me he turned up at the house everyday in a drunken mess and was drunk from morning until night while living with her. Three weeks after moving I. With her he came back bags packed and asked me to help in. The family and I clubbed together and paid for rehab. After the detox of 7 days he was allowed his phone and he rang me so excited and positive. I have since found out that he is still in contact with the OW which I am devastated. His attitude has changed towards me and he is now saying he doesn't know what he wants I cannot believe this as his tone has also changed towards me and when he calls he literally shouts at me. I don't know whether this is a trait with people in rehab but I'm absolutely gutted and don't know what to do.

Your opinions would be greatly appreciated

53500

Hello Susie, wow I'm so sorry you're in pain, it is devastating to find out your husband is cheating.

Being an alcoholic and a cheater are two different things. He acted horribly to you before rehab and he's still doing it, sober, so I don't see that being in rehab has anything to do with it.

Now you know he's in a 2+ years relationship and seems to have every intention of continuing it. Tbh I think separating is the best thing you can do. He is treating you with a lot of disrespect and you don't need this in your life.
If he was willing to cut all contact with the OW, work on your marriage, commit to sobriety, there would be something to build on. But he isn't.

I hope you have support from friends and family. Can you get to Al Anon? Please find some help and support for yourself. Try to distance yourself from him. He sounds very toxic and hurtful to you and the less contact you have, the better.

Hugs to you, friend.

LexieCat

I don't think that's a product of rehab or his recovery. It sounds like your marriage was in trouble way before that. Whether those troubles were a product of his drinking it's hard to say--without a doubt the drinking didn't help, but infidelity and divorce happen even when alcohol has nothing to do with it.

I'm sorry for your pain, but I'd suggest you take this time to think about YOU and what YOU want for your life. He probably has no clue what he wants right now, because drinking and recovery do a number on the brain. You don't have to wait for him to make up his mind, though--feel free to make decisions based on what's best for you.

Al-Anon, and maybe some sessions with a therapist, can help you sort out your feelings and get a clearer head so you can do what is best for you.

Lilro

I am sorry you are going through this.

Forget about what he wants. What do YOU want??? YOU??? Is this the man you want??? I'm sorry but he's been having an affair for two years? Will you ever be able to trust him again? Alcoholism and infidelity are two separate issues. So let's just say he cleaned up his drinking act. What then? Will be be content to live walking on eggshells hoping he is being faithful when he comes home late from work?
It seems to me that it is time to start thinking about YOU. Men like this truly amaze me. They have ZERO shame. Give yourself some breathing room from him, maybe you will be able to see more clearly from the outside.
We are here for you so keep posting!!
Big Hug!
Ro

dandylion

Susie.....it is time to start taking care of yourself.
He doesn't have your welfare at heart.

maia1234

Susie,
I am sorry for your pain. None of us have the magic answer on how to make this right. There is an old saying on SR... When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

How long are you going to wait around till he chooses you or her. My axh kept his affair on for two years before we divorced and its almost 2 years after the divorce. My daughters still have not met this women, 4 years later. She must be a real winner, huh??

All I am saying, do what is best for you. Stop waiting around for him to get his act together, you have wasted enough of your life doing that. Let it be your decision to end the marriage, not his.

Sending hugs Susie, been there, done that. So grateful I did what I did.

AnvilheadII

i think you are somehow managing to overlook the fact that he had/has a TWO YEAR AFFAIR going on. which has NOTHING to do with the rehab facility. sad to say, but he's been GONE a long time.

SusieJ

Thank you guys the worst thing is we only got married In April and he still carried it on xx

Nata1980

Must be nice to be him - he cheats, treats everyone like cr@p, while everyone is scrambling trying to pay for his rehab. Take care of you. His behaviour is unacceptable, he only cares about feeding his compulsions seems like. Not something you want in a life partner.
I'd kick him to the curb and demand he pays rehab money back (not that you will get any - but he will get the point).

and his "lady friend" - she must be in bad shape mentally to even think this type of thing is acceptable. Yikes. I'd feel sorry for her.

My XAH relapsed and acquired a lady friend simultaneously in January. I found out after I dropped him off in rehab - she kept texting his phone with offerings of slippers, blankets, and cigarettes. I was going to divorce him anyway because it was his last chance relapse, the sad sorry "affair" just made it easier.

The other day XAH was mad at me not reacting to his antiques - and he stated that he meant to mention that his affair partner "was fat" while I am in such a great shape and he does not know what he was thinking. Somehow it made me feel even worse and super sorry for the sad addict woman....

jojo82

Denial of reality is a symptom of alcoholism.

There is still the possibility he has denied the reality of your relationship and has done so out of sickness.