Your thoughts on a particular trigger
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: At the end of the tunnel
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Your thoughts on a particular trigger
So, aside from work meetings and occasional family gatherings, I'm mostly a solitary drinker. All of my close family lives out of state, 2 of my 3 best friends live out of state. Here, I have a BF who isn't a big drinker (we see each other 2-5 times a week) and my oldest friend who I only see about once every 2-3 months. So, to say I don't have much of a social life would be a gross understatement.
I have a girlfriend in FL and we used to talk at least twice a week for 2-3 hours at a time...it was our "happy hour" but always involved drinking. It's my social time. Circumstances in her life have dictated that we don't talk as frequently (which is probably a blessing). Due to the hurricane, we spent last night on the phone. I wasn't going to drink last night as the only alcohol I had in the house was my BF's, and things that I just don't care for. Guess what I did? I drank them. Of course I did. Have a similar relationship with my younger sister with regard to phone conversations.
I told my friend last night that I am going to get sober. That I don't have a date set, but that I am doing research and trying to put a plan in place. But, our conversations and visits have ALWAYS revolved around drinking. She was absolutely supportive. She is also an alcoholic, her admission-- not my judgement. She understands the struggle and will support me in the journey. However, I know she will continue to drink during our conversations, as will my sister (I haven't talked to her about it yet as she was evacuating GA due to the hurricane).
I know these conversations will be triggers for me. How do I avoid drinking without losing contact with some of the most important people in my life? I know the obvious answer is to not drink, not have any in the house. But, I'm looking for deeper than that. I don't want our conversations to be dull (wow, that was a very subconscious thought. I've known many sober people and wouldn't in a million years consider them dull. Maybe I'm worried I will be dull...have made most of my fun in recent years have alcohol involved).
Hope you all don't tire of me and the ramblings of my brain. I'm trying to find my way, I promise. I've come to a place of acceptance...now I just have to come to a place where I'm ready to commit to sobriety.
I have a girlfriend in FL and we used to talk at least twice a week for 2-3 hours at a time...it was our "happy hour" but always involved drinking. It's my social time. Circumstances in her life have dictated that we don't talk as frequently (which is probably a blessing). Due to the hurricane, we spent last night on the phone. I wasn't going to drink last night as the only alcohol I had in the house was my BF's, and things that I just don't care for. Guess what I did? I drank them. Of course I did. Have a similar relationship with my younger sister with regard to phone conversations.
I told my friend last night that I am going to get sober. That I don't have a date set, but that I am doing research and trying to put a plan in place. But, our conversations and visits have ALWAYS revolved around drinking. She was absolutely supportive. She is also an alcoholic, her admission-- not my judgement. She understands the struggle and will support me in the journey. However, I know she will continue to drink during our conversations, as will my sister (I haven't talked to her about it yet as she was evacuating GA due to the hurricane).
I know these conversations will be triggers for me. How do I avoid drinking without losing contact with some of the most important people in my life? I know the obvious answer is to not drink, not have any in the house. But, I'm looking for deeper than that. I don't want our conversations to be dull (wow, that was a very subconscious thought. I've known many sober people and wouldn't in a million years consider them dull. Maybe I'm worried I will be dull...have made most of my fun in recent years have alcohol involved).
Hope you all don't tire of me and the ramblings of my brain. I'm trying to find my way, I promise. I've come to a place of acceptance...now I just have to come to a place where I'm ready to commit to sobriety.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Derbyshire Dales, UK.
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I think you need to ask yourself, which is more important - these conversations, or your health, because the bottom line is - if you lose your health, you won't be around for these conversations anyway.
People, if they genuinely care about you, will understand that you don't want to talk to them while they're drinking.
Value yourself more
People, if they genuinely care about you, will understand that you don't want to talk to them while they're drinking.
Value yourself more
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: At the end of the tunnel
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by doggonecarl 
Is talking with your old friend a "trigger" per se? Or do you just look forward to getting drunk when you talk with her?
Also like the thought of drinking something else.
Why do I feel like I can be "more" when I drink...more insightful, more conversational, more intelligent, more caring, more, well, everything. Perhaps this is the root of my problem, I don't feel like I'm enough sober. I LOVE SR, so very thought provoking. Did any of you struggle with not feeling like you were enough? If so, how did you overcome it, tangibly?
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
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Originally Posted by HopeSprings
I don't feel like I'm enough sober.
While alcohol may do a lot of things for us, make us feel a certain way, in the end it is just about the drinking and needing to drink because were addicted to alcohol, not anything about why we thought we drank.
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Again, very wise words that are greatly appreciated Doggone! How do you go about creating an alcohol free identity? Is it a natural consequence of working a program? Do you get to determine what that identity consists of?
Living the life
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Ontario, Canada
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HopeSprings I can definitely relate. My mom and I would do this on a regular basis. We would chat away for a couple of hours on the phone in the evening about once a month while drinking wine. It was a way for us to "get together" and have a few drinks without either of us having to drive afterwards.
I haven't really thought about this until reading your post so thanks for giving me a chance to process. I think one of the reasons this happens is because we (my mom and I anyway) get very chatty after a couple of glasses of wine. It is that relaxed, uninhibited state where you can talk about anything. Especially difficult FEELINGS like grief or anger or sadness. This doesn't happen as much when we haven't been drinking at all. So I guess I am going to have to work on being more open to those discussions without drinking. And learn to be more social and chatty without an accelerant (booze lol). I think this is a learned skill, like learning public speaking or anything else.
From a more practical standpoint, I know there are mixed feelings about using "faux" drinks but I have found some sparking fruit drinks that have some substance to them that make me feel like I am drinking something other than water and more grown up than pop. Izze makes some good ones (I find them at Costco) and Sanpellegrino makes some as well although I haven't tried those yet. Also there is the near beer. Sometimes it is the taste that makes you feel you are joining in, so this could be a good substitute.
I think this is what I will try, your mileage may vary.
I haven't really thought about this until reading your post so thanks for giving me a chance to process. I think one of the reasons this happens is because we (my mom and I anyway) get very chatty after a couple of glasses of wine. It is that relaxed, uninhibited state where you can talk about anything. Especially difficult FEELINGS like grief or anger or sadness. This doesn't happen as much when we haven't been drinking at all. So I guess I am going to have to work on being more open to those discussions without drinking. And learn to be more social and chatty without an accelerant (booze lol). I think this is a learned skill, like learning public speaking or anything else.
From a more practical standpoint, I know there are mixed feelings about using "faux" drinks but I have found some sparking fruit drinks that have some substance to them that make me feel like I am drinking something other than water and more grown up than pop. Izze makes some good ones (I find them at Costco) and Sanpellegrino makes some as well although I haven't tried those yet. Also there is the near beer. Sometimes it is the taste that makes you feel you are joining in, so this could be a good substitute.
I think this is what I will try, your mileage may vary.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by HopeSprings
How do you go about creating an alcohol free identity? Is it a natural consequence of working a program?
How do you live and love your sober life? A structured program, such as AA, is one way. There are others ways. But a successful recovery program shows us how to cope with life without resorting to drinking to escape, to feel good, or as a response to triggers.
You absolutely have control over your sober identity, just as you have control over most things in your life, once you release yourself from the control of alcohol.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
I had relationships where our only bond was drinking...as well as deeper friendships where alcohol was not a necessary component.
Only you can decide which one this is...but I had to let my drinking buddies go.
Only you can decide which one this is...but I had to let my drinking buddies go.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
Great that you are thinking through this, HopeSprings. By realising you have these thoughts and looking at them in a considered way, you can unpick them and overcome the challenges they present.
A lot of my relationships revolved around alcohol, including ones with the people closest to me - my family, especially my sisters who are really my best friends. I also worried about how the dynamic would change but I put my sobriety first and worked on that, and trusted that my relationships with people important to me would look after themselves.
What I found was that with the people who really meant something to me, firstly, they were supportive of my decision to stop drinking, and secondly, our relationship evolved naturally without the need for the lubrication of alcohol. NONE of that is a coincidence.
As for being a boring conversationalist without alcohol, that is an AV sort of worry, I believe. You will find it is not true at all and that your conversations are more meaningful without alcohol. It may take a while to practice being genuine and sincere, without the loosening of lips that booze brings, but sober authenticity is far better.
A lot of my relationships revolved around alcohol, including ones with the people closest to me - my family, especially my sisters who are really my best friends. I also worried about how the dynamic would change but I put my sobriety first and worked on that, and trusted that my relationships with people important to me would look after themselves.
What I found was that with the people who really meant something to me, firstly, they were supportive of my decision to stop drinking, and secondly, our relationship evolved naturally without the need for the lubrication of alcohol. NONE of that is a coincidence.
As for being a boring conversationalist without alcohol, that is an AV sort of worry, I believe. You will find it is not true at all and that your conversations are more meaningful without alcohol. It may take a while to practice being genuine and sincere, without the loosening of lips that booze brings, but sober authenticity is far better.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Maryland, USA
Posts: 6
There is a lot of good advice here. I don't have any direct experience with your circumstances, but I've heard some people have tried breaking the trigger by changing the time, location, or context. If your calls are in the evening, you may want to consider having them in the morning. Sometimes breaking the routine can help break the pattern of behavior.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Building an "alcohol-free" identity...that's the ticket.
It could be a matter of discovering again who you ARE at your ESSENCE...who you REALLY are....that takes honesty. And, maybe the truth is you are not to crazy about the sober you....but it's when you honestly look at the sober you, you can begin to make choices that lead to changes to become the kind of sober person you really want to be...there's got to be some change involved here; real change.
The use of alcohol gives people a temporary change in how they FEEL while under the influence...but that's a deceiving feeling really....and it goes away; it's fleeting. Then what have you got? Ask yourself what's left when the alcohol has left your system.
It could be a matter of discovering again who you ARE at your ESSENCE...who you REALLY are....that takes honesty. And, maybe the truth is you are not to crazy about the sober you....but it's when you honestly look at the sober you, you can begin to make choices that lead to changes to become the kind of sober person you really want to be...there's got to be some change involved here; real change.
The use of alcohol gives people a temporary change in how they FEEL while under the influence...but that's a deceiving feeling really....and it goes away; it's fleeting. Then what have you got? Ask yourself what's left when the alcohol has left your system.
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