My long rambling introduction
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: At the end of the tunnel
Posts: 51
My long rambling introduction
I've been constructing this post in mind for about a week now. Not sure where to start, and the construction has been messy at best. So I'll start where I should...Hello, my name is Heather and I'm an alcoholic.
I'm sure many of you will look at my join date and think I had some long stint in recovery and relapsed. But I joined SR many years ago because at the time I was married to an addict/alcoholic. He's sober to this day, 16 years later. We had an amazing son together, but I couldn't move past what he put me through and he carried a chip on his shoulder for a while so we parted ways. He has just remarried and seems to really have things together as far as I can tell. I'm extremely proud of him!
About 6 years ago, I began to self-medicate with alcohol. Medicated anxiety/panic attacks at first, then I learned that I had a very painful degenerative back problem for which there is nothing that can be done at my age (I just turned 40 in May) so I "managed" the pain with alcohol. I also suffer from Fibromyalgia, migraines and myriad of seemingly minor health troubles. Alcohol has been my medicine and DOC.
Now for the stuff that will get you guys to kick me into gear. I'm scared to live a life without alcohol. When I have a panic attack, I have a drink to get me out of it else I can't function for an hour or more. I have a job that I LOVE! However, about once a month we have an executive meeting that revolves around drinking, with a few appetizers thrown in for good measure. There is always beer and sometimes liquor in our fridge at work. I'm not at a place where I'm ready to tell my boss that I'm an alcoholic (mostly due to many missed days this year...health related, but probably the health was related to the drinking). When I do finally tell him, he'll understand and likely be supportive, but I don't want to put questions in his mind just yet. He's a former addict/alcoholic and has worked through the program of AA, but he does drink now...once a month, a binge but a binge that doesn't really seem to affect him. He's a strange bird in that regard...he smokes M-F during working hours only, doesn't smoke on family vacations, holidays, etc. He's got an enormous amount of self-control that most people do not. But he's also still diseased, I hold no illusions about that.
I'm tired of walking up and feeling like hell. I haven't hit a bottom, but I don't want to either. I'm scared that a bottom may be what it takes for me to be willing to do whatever it takes to get and stay sober...I don't want that. I'm ashamed that I haven't been fully present for my kids. My daughter, now 21 and recently married, refers to the years when my back stuff was at it's worst as "the vodka years"...ugh. I don't want my son (almost 10) to view me that way. I am ashamed that he has 2 alcoholic parents, and direct lineage 3 generations deep of alcoholics. I wanted to be the broken link.
When with my exAH, I was a group leader for friends/family of addicts/alcoholics. I've worked a 12 step program (faith based), but from a codependency standpoint, not an alcoholic stand point. I saw many A/A come through the doors of that program succeed and many fail. I know I have to have a desire to not drink, and simply stated right now I don't. There, I said it. Goes back to the fear of needing to hit a bottom. I read the high functioning thread yesterday and many points in it resonated with me and are pushing me to just do it...fake it until you make it, I guess.
I've printed out all of the materials on making a recovery plan and will do that over the next few days. I am well aware of the insanity of this disease and that my AV is what is keeping me from a life of freedom. Currently the AV is much louder than my rational mind. A few weeks ago, I went 4 days without drinking, so I have at least been able to allay my fears of withdrawals.
I will start AA meetings on Monday. I have my son every other week and can't really drag him to an AA meeting. When he's a little older, and I have some sobriety under my belt, I will likely get him into Al-anon.
Sorry to ramble. Just felt like I needed to put all of this out there. Thanks in advance for the support I know I will receive and the wise words I know that are to follow.
I'm sure many of you will look at my join date and think I had some long stint in recovery and relapsed. But I joined SR many years ago because at the time I was married to an addict/alcoholic. He's sober to this day, 16 years later. We had an amazing son together, but I couldn't move past what he put me through and he carried a chip on his shoulder for a while so we parted ways. He has just remarried and seems to really have things together as far as I can tell. I'm extremely proud of him!
About 6 years ago, I began to self-medicate with alcohol. Medicated anxiety/panic attacks at first, then I learned that I had a very painful degenerative back problem for which there is nothing that can be done at my age (I just turned 40 in May) so I "managed" the pain with alcohol. I also suffer from Fibromyalgia, migraines and myriad of seemingly minor health troubles. Alcohol has been my medicine and DOC.
Now for the stuff that will get you guys to kick me into gear. I'm scared to live a life without alcohol. When I have a panic attack, I have a drink to get me out of it else I can't function for an hour or more. I have a job that I LOVE! However, about once a month we have an executive meeting that revolves around drinking, with a few appetizers thrown in for good measure. There is always beer and sometimes liquor in our fridge at work. I'm not at a place where I'm ready to tell my boss that I'm an alcoholic (mostly due to many missed days this year...health related, but probably the health was related to the drinking). When I do finally tell him, he'll understand and likely be supportive, but I don't want to put questions in his mind just yet. He's a former addict/alcoholic and has worked through the program of AA, but he does drink now...once a month, a binge but a binge that doesn't really seem to affect him. He's a strange bird in that regard...he smokes M-F during working hours only, doesn't smoke on family vacations, holidays, etc. He's got an enormous amount of self-control that most people do not. But he's also still diseased, I hold no illusions about that.
I'm tired of walking up and feeling like hell. I haven't hit a bottom, but I don't want to either. I'm scared that a bottom may be what it takes for me to be willing to do whatever it takes to get and stay sober...I don't want that. I'm ashamed that I haven't been fully present for my kids. My daughter, now 21 and recently married, refers to the years when my back stuff was at it's worst as "the vodka years"...ugh. I don't want my son (almost 10) to view me that way. I am ashamed that he has 2 alcoholic parents, and direct lineage 3 generations deep of alcoholics. I wanted to be the broken link.
When with my exAH, I was a group leader for friends/family of addicts/alcoholics. I've worked a 12 step program (faith based), but from a codependency standpoint, not an alcoholic stand point. I saw many A/A come through the doors of that program succeed and many fail. I know I have to have a desire to not drink, and simply stated right now I don't. There, I said it. Goes back to the fear of needing to hit a bottom. I read the high functioning thread yesterday and many points in it resonated with me and are pushing me to just do it...fake it until you make it, I guess.
I've printed out all of the materials on making a recovery plan and will do that over the next few days. I am well aware of the insanity of this disease and that my AV is what is keeping me from a life of freedom. Currently the AV is much louder than my rational mind. A few weeks ago, I went 4 days without drinking, so I have at least been able to allay my fears of withdrawals.
I will start AA meetings on Monday. I have my son every other week and can't really drag him to an AA meeting. When he's a little older, and I have some sobriety under my belt, I will likely get him into Al-anon.
Sorry to ramble. Just felt like I needed to put all of this out there. Thanks in advance for the support I know I will receive and the wise words I know that are to follow.
back - My panic attacks vanished when I stopped drinking, only to return when I relapsed. I've read that a lot around the forum too, so I doubt I'm unique Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: At the end of the tunnel
Posts: 51
Thank you, Zanna! I've suffered from anxiety for the majority of my life, but it manifested into panic attacks in 1999, I wasn't much of a drinker until 2010. Once the exAH stopped drinking, I did too so I had a number of years completely free from alcohol, but never anxiety. Have been trying to treat it medically (meds, CBT, etc) all along, but never completely successfully. I am as managed as I have ever been now (and for the last 5 years). Maybe putting the bottle away will find an end to that. Thank you for the encouragement, ending anxiety is reason enough to stop this madness. Thank you, a million times!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Tulsa
Posts: 44
Zanna,
Here is some free advice from someone who has been sober for awhile. Your bottom is the point at which you realize that you are miserable and can't control your drinking. You don't have to wait until you are sleeping under a bridge to know it's time to quit.
I got sober in AA and have seen that work for a lot of people. If you think your 10 year old son is not aware that Mom is drinking too much, you are kidding yourself. He is probably concerned for you but doesn't know how to talk about it. If you decide to get serious about getting (and staying) sober, it might be helpful to both of you to explain what you are trying to do. After you have a little sobriety under your belt, it would be fine for you to let your boy go to a meeting (or meetings) with you. That way he can understand what you are experiencing.
There are Alanon groups with kids in them. That could be a good experience for him if he is interested. In any case, be honest with your son about your situation. He will most likely be reassured to know that mom has stepped up to her problem and is doing something about it. That's a pretty good example to set for him about what to do when you have a problem. Most likely, he will respect you for it.
Good luck.
Here is some free advice from someone who has been sober for awhile. Your bottom is the point at which you realize that you are miserable and can't control your drinking. You don't have to wait until you are sleeping under a bridge to know it's time to quit.
I got sober in AA and have seen that work for a lot of people. If you think your 10 year old son is not aware that Mom is drinking too much, you are kidding yourself. He is probably concerned for you but doesn't know how to talk about it. If you decide to get serious about getting (and staying) sober, it might be helpful to both of you to explain what you are trying to do. After you have a little sobriety under your belt, it would be fine for you to let your boy go to a meeting (or meetings) with you. That way he can understand what you are experiencing.
There are Alanon groups with kids in them. That could be a good experience for him if he is interested. In any case, be honest with your son about your situation. He will most likely be reassured to know that mom has stepped up to her problem and is doing something about it. That's a pretty good example to set for him about what to do when you have a problem. Most likely, he will respect you for it.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Derbyshire Dales, UK.
Posts: 2,618
Originally Posted by TulsaGentleman 
Zanna,
Here is some free advice from someone who has been sober for awhile. Your bottom is the point at which you realize that you are miserable and can't control your drinking. You don't have to wait until you are sleeping under a bridge to know it's time to quit.
I got sober in AA and have seen that work for a lot of people. If you think your 10 year old son is not aware that Mom is drinking too much, you are kidding yourself. He is probably concerned for you but doesn't know how to talk about it. If you decide to get serious about getting (and staying) sober, it might be helpful to both of you to explain what you are trying to do. After you have a little sobriety under your belt, it would be fine for you to let your boy go to a meeting (or meetings) with you. That way he can understand what you are experiencing.
There are Alanon groups with kids in them. That could be a good experience for him if he is interested. In any case, be honest with your son about your situation. He will most likely be reassured to know that mom has stepped up to her problem and is doing something about it. That's a pretty good example to set for him about what to do when you have a problem. Most likely, he will respect you for it.
Good luck.
Here is some free advice from someone who has been sober for awhile. Your bottom is the point at which you realize that you are miserable and can't control your drinking. You don't have to wait until you are sleeping under a bridge to know it's time to quit.
I got sober in AA and have seen that work for a lot of people. If you think your 10 year old son is not aware that Mom is drinking too much, you are kidding yourself. He is probably concerned for you but doesn't know how to talk about it. If you decide to get serious about getting (and staying) sober, it might be helpful to both of you to explain what you are trying to do. After you have a little sobriety under your belt, it would be fine for you to let your boy go to a meeting (or meetings) with you. That way he can understand what you are experiencing.
There are Alanon groups with kids in them. That could be a good experience for him if he is interested. In any case, be honest with your son about your situation. He will most likely be reassured to know that mom has stepped up to her problem and is doing something about it. That's a pretty good example to set for him about what to do when you have a problem. Most likely, he will respect you for it.
Good luck.
It's not actually my thread though - I'm fine x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: At the end of the tunnel
Posts: 51
Thank you TulsaGentleman! I can't disagree with you where my son is concerned. However, I do NOT want his father (a recovering addict and alcoholic) to know this is going on just yet. He would try to take my son just to be vindictive. My son and I have had many discussions about drinking due to other members of the family and their actions. We've talked about responsible drinking. He knows I "enjoy" an adult beverage in the evenings, but I do not cross the line into drunk until after he's asleep. Thank you for your words, I just re-read my last sentence and I'm just going to call it out for what it is "Justifying that which cannot be justified".
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: At the end of the tunnel
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by Darwinia
You say that you have no desire to stop drinking. So then, how are you going to do it?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
