The Jekyl and Hyde for an active alcoholic
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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The Jekyl and Hyde for an active alcoholic
Hi everyone,
Did anyone else notice the Jekyl and Hyde personality of an active alcoholic. My ex AB was one way one week and another a different week. I took to heart everything he said but I came to realize that he changed how he felt about me depending on his needs for the week... For example if we were getting along great, I wasn't asking questions about his ex wife, and I wasn't questioning his drinking... I was the "most amazing woman he's ever met"... he would do things for me all the time. He would say that he knows he loves me because I am the only person he feels 100% around..yadda yadda... the list goes on and on ...Then the following week if we were arguing.. I was questioning behavior with his ex that I found to be disrespectful or I said anything about his drinking all of a sudden he said " He felt like he had to walk around on eggshells around me"... and that he refuses to argue with me anymore .... I swear it would be like a total switch .... Did anyone else go through this? I think it made me question myself too much... Now I feel like some needy girl and I am afraid if I date anyone new that I will "run them off too"...I guess I just have to remember he is an active alcoholic and thats what they do...
Did anyone else notice the Jekyl and Hyde personality of an active alcoholic. My ex AB was one way one week and another a different week. I took to heart everything he said but I came to realize that he changed how he felt about me depending on his needs for the week... For example if we were getting along great, I wasn't asking questions about his ex wife, and I wasn't questioning his drinking... I was the "most amazing woman he's ever met"... he would do things for me all the time. He would say that he knows he loves me because I am the only person he feels 100% around..yadda yadda... the list goes on and on ...Then the following week if we were arguing.. I was questioning behavior with his ex that I found to be disrespectful or I said anything about his drinking all of a sudden he said " He felt like he had to walk around on eggshells around me"... and that he refuses to argue with me anymore .... I swear it would be like a total switch .... Did anyone else go through this? I think it made me question myself too much... Now I feel like some needy girl and I am afraid if I date anyone new that I will "run them off too"...I guess I just have to remember he is an active alcoholic and thats what they do...
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
LovelyKala.....you ask if anyone else has experienced the Jekyl and Hyde......
There are thousands of threads on this forum...real life stories of those who have dealt with alcoholics in their lives.
I'll bet if you read them, and kept a tally....you would find the most frequently used descriptive phrases are..."Jeckyl and Hyde", "rollercoaster ride" and "compulsive liar"......
There are thousands of threads on this forum...real life stories of those who have dealt with alcoholics in their lives.
I'll bet if you read them, and kept a tally....you would find the most frequently used descriptive phrases are..."Jeckyl and Hyde", "rollercoaster ride" and "compulsive liar"......
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Yes, that is what they do....... At least you had the heads up that he acts that way because of the drinking. I had no clue my exabf was an active alcoholic. I can't tell you how many times in the course of the 5 years we were together that he did the whole Jekyll and Hyde bit. I really started to question my own sanity. One minute I was his world the next minute " our relationship has come to a halt " What?? Then the whole " I can't live without you" then " it's not you its me" then " let's move in together" then " I need my own place" then " let's get married " ..... Awwwwww hell no!!!! Looking back I now know the reason. He was trying to hide his drinking. Meanwhile my head was spinning...... ENOUGH!
It WILL NOT be like that in a healthy relationship. Your exab is NOT a healthy guy.
"It's not YOU its HIM"
Ro
It WILL NOT be like that in a healthy relationship. Your exab is NOT a healthy guy.
"It's not YOU its HIM"
Ro
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 299
Hi,
This happened to me with my STBXAH. He was the kindest,and caring man. We were together 12 years. I thought we'd grow old together.
I guess over the last 2 years his drinking escalated. There would be episodes where my AH would turn , into this man I didn't know. He became very verbally abuse to me. Horrible the things he said. I didn't totally ignore them, but usually, at first weeks would go by inbetween episodes, and our life was wonderful.
Not sure when it happened, but the episodes became closer together. I'm thinking, this is when his drinking escalated, and maybe his tolerance for alcohol became less. The verbal abuse became unbearable. The thinks my AH said were lies, but he believed his own lies. There was no remorse or apologies from him. Everything he called me, my AH felt was justified.
I was so far in denial, that I agreed to invest some of my mom's little inheritance and open a business with him. I thought this might make him see how fortunate he was, and get some help.
No way! Didn't happen! My AH was living in his own world.
The drinking and abuse got worse!!! I got a domestic violence order, which the judge extended for a year.
Even after being taking into protective custody, spending the night in jail and blowing a 0.39, 12 hours after having his last drink, my AH felt no remorse, it was the police that was wrong here.
I have endless stories, and I still loved this man. Still wanted to grow old with him. I even asked him to go into rehab, and we'd go to counseling. I didn't want to give up on our marriage.
My AH wanted no part of it!! He didn't want to quit drinking. The power of the bottle was his greatest love, not his family.
I don't have a lot of advice. I'm going through it myself. Please take care of yourself. Don't put yourself in any unsafe situations. You don't know when his verbal abuse will escalate, or worse become physical. This disease, alcoholism is so unpredictable, and it progresses differently for each person.
The advice I got here was priceless, start taking care of yourself, and have a plan. Two very important things.
I know I'm rambling! Hard not too!!
Listen to everyone on this forum. They know what their talking about.
Take good care of you!
Zircon
This happened to me with my STBXAH. He was the kindest,and caring man. We were together 12 years. I thought we'd grow old together.
I guess over the last 2 years his drinking escalated. There would be episodes where my AH would turn , into this man I didn't know. He became very verbally abuse to me. Horrible the things he said. I didn't totally ignore them, but usually, at first weeks would go by inbetween episodes, and our life was wonderful.
Not sure when it happened, but the episodes became closer together. I'm thinking, this is when his drinking escalated, and maybe his tolerance for alcohol became less. The verbal abuse became unbearable. The thinks my AH said were lies, but he believed his own lies. There was no remorse or apologies from him. Everything he called me, my AH felt was justified.
I was so far in denial, that I agreed to invest some of my mom's little inheritance and open a business with him. I thought this might make him see how fortunate he was, and get some help.
No way! Didn't happen! My AH was living in his own world.
The drinking and abuse got worse!!! I got a domestic violence order, which the judge extended for a year.
Even after being taking into protective custody, spending the night in jail and blowing a 0.39, 12 hours after having his last drink, my AH felt no remorse, it was the police that was wrong here.
I have endless stories, and I still loved this man. Still wanted to grow old with him. I even asked him to go into rehab, and we'd go to counseling. I didn't want to give up on our marriage.
My AH wanted no part of it!! He didn't want to quit drinking. The power of the bottle was his greatest love, not his family.
I don't have a lot of advice. I'm going through it myself. Please take care of yourself. Don't put yourself in any unsafe situations. You don't know when his verbal abuse will escalate, or worse become physical. This disease, alcoholism is so unpredictable, and it progresses differently for each person.
The advice I got here was priceless, start taking care of yourself, and have a plan. Two very important things.
I know I'm rambling! Hard not too!!
Listen to everyone on this forum. They know what their talking about.
Take good care of you!
Zircon
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
LovelyKaya....if you are stil feeling like this "needy girl"......this is a sign from the Universe that is telling you that your imperative is to continue your support group and the work with your therapist.....
No doubt, you brought a lot of your own baggage to the relationship, like we all do....BUT, being in a relationship with an alcoholic, flawed person, you have taken some really, really hard hits to your self esteem and your self confidence. Trust in your self is damaged and it takes a lot of healing work to get past this.
You will have to develop more insight into yourself...to protect yourself from others, in the future, who would do damage to you.....
Don't worry about dating, now. Concern yourself with your own self development.
Please don't make that journey into the deep forest without preparing yourself.
(Bears live in the forest)......
No doubt, you brought a lot of your own baggage to the relationship, like we all do....BUT, being in a relationship with an alcoholic, flawed person, you have taken some really, really hard hits to your self esteem and your self confidence. Trust in your self is damaged and it takes a lot of healing work to get past this.
You will have to develop more insight into yourself...to protect yourself from others, in the future, who would do damage to you.....
Don't worry about dating, now. Concern yourself with your own self development.
Please don't make that journey into the deep forest without preparing yourself.
(Bears live in the forest)......
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 246
Originally Posted by dandylion 
BUT, being in a relationship with an alcoholic, flawed person, you have taken some really, really hard hits to your self esteem and your self confidence. Trust in your self is damaged and it takes a lot of healing work to get past this.
You will have to develop more insight into yourself...to protect yourself from others, in the future, who would do damage to you
You will have to develop more insight into yourself...to protect yourself from others, in the future, who would do damage to you
I don't want to hijack your thread, but something Dandylion wrote caught my attention. Is it true that most of us take a hit in our self esteem and self confidence when we're in a relationship with an alcoholic? It's common? I'm not alone in that experience?
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 179
Originally Posted by HoldOnLoosely
I don't want to hijack your thread, but something Dandylion wrote caught my attention. Is it true that most of us take a hit in our self esteem and self confidence when we're in a relationship with an alcoholic? It's common? I'm not alone in that experience?
My xa had a jekyl and hyde personality when he began drinking. He is a relatively mellow person when sober, but when the drinking began, he got mean and spiteful. He would begin to tell stories about how he viewed me.
I am just glad that I don't have to deal with that kind of treatment on a daily basis anymore. I feel like I was sent into a prolonged battle. And it is finally over, and I won MYSELF.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
Oh my...don't we all know this all too well. My Abf when sober, literally behaves as if I walk on water. Texts me at least 20 times a day reminding me how beautiful and perfect I am. Heart emojis all day long. How I am a "game changer". How he has never loved anyone so much in his life and how he is going to show me every day for the rest of my life how much he loves me. How perfect I am, how flawless...etc. The other day I even joked while we were watching TV and said he was like a pull-toy. He was slightly offended, but all I meant was that he constantly repeated the same compliments.
This would be great (to a degree) if he wasn't a raging A who hurt me more times than I can count. The problem is that when someone like that is telling you all these seemingly wonderful and amazing things, they go in one ear and out the other after you have been abused and disrespected so much. We get to a point where it's a "show me" vs. "tell me".
Jekyll & Hyde is a common term for alkie's because it is exactly what they are. When sober, most of the time they are lovely and loving people. In fact, even during periods of sober 'dry drunkeness' my Abf will rage at me and verbally abuse me when he starts to sense I am making him face and talk about the hard stuff. "How is your son? are you going to see him this week? How are the meetings going?"
Even when I questioned a very obvious sign of him cheating he flew into a rage ripping off my blanket while laying in bed calling me everything from selfish, rich girl, spoiled brat, ****, pathological liar, unkind, etc. All things that are polar opposite of what he tells me when I am being "a good little enabler".
This is who they are. Look only at their actions. Their words mean absolutely zero. And remember, there is nothing wrong with you. A's cannot face the harsh truth about their own reality so they take others to task to alleviate their own pain. They are master manipulators and can make you feel like the highest to the lowest. Do not let them puppeteer you. Find a good Alanon group, read some books on codepdency (Codependent No More, Women Who Love Too Much) and work on detaching. Only when you detach can they no longer hurt you.
*Hugs*
This would be great (to a degree) if he wasn't a raging A who hurt me more times than I can count. The problem is that when someone like that is telling you all these seemingly wonderful and amazing things, they go in one ear and out the other after you have been abused and disrespected so much. We get to a point where it's a "show me" vs. "tell me".
Jekyll & Hyde is a common term for alkie's because it is exactly what they are. When sober, most of the time they are lovely and loving people. In fact, even during periods of sober 'dry drunkeness' my Abf will rage at me and verbally abuse me when he starts to sense I am making him face and talk about the hard stuff. "How is your son? are you going to see him this week? How are the meetings going?"
Even when I questioned a very obvious sign of him cheating he flew into a rage ripping off my blanket while laying in bed calling me everything from selfish, rich girl, spoiled brat, ****, pathological liar, unkind, etc. All things that are polar opposite of what he tells me when I am being "a good little enabler".
This is who they are. Look only at their actions. Their words mean absolutely zero. And remember, there is nothing wrong with you. A's cannot face the harsh truth about their own reality so they take others to task to alleviate their own pain. They are master manipulators and can make you feel like the highest to the lowest. Do not let them puppeteer you. Find a good Alanon group, read some books on codepdency (Codependent No More, Women Who Love Too Much) and work on detaching. Only when you detach can they no longer hurt you.
*Hugs*
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Oh ma God...not just Jeckyll and Hyde....but the Mother Theresa of all Jeckylls.....and the Satan of all Hydes himself..
It is astounding. Confusing. Maddening. Terrifying. Self sabotaging. Crazy making. And that this point, just makes me nauseous and wanting to stay far, FAR away from anyone exhibiting said illness.
It is astounding. Confusing. Maddening. Terrifying. Self sabotaging. Crazy making. And that this point, just makes me nauseous and wanting to stay far, FAR away from anyone exhibiting said illness.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
Originally Posted by firebolt
Oh ma God...not just Jeckyll and Hyde....but the Mother Theresa of all Jeckylls.....and the Satan of all Hydes himself.
It is absolutely both terrifying and crazy-making. It's sadness too in the person you thought you knew maybe was never even there. There were times when he was in agreement with his character of J&H - said his mom called him that often so he was aware. On his last binge I sent him information on Borderline Personality Disorder as I do believe he is dealing with that along with Alcoholism.
But it's not just recognizing it, it's going for help...just like the addiction. You can recognize you have diabetes, but if you don't go for your shots and watch your sugar, what does it matter?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by Kboys
Oh yes!!
It's that sweet, loving, charming side that makes it so hard to leave our A's.
It would have been so much easier to separate from my A if he was an A-hole all of the time!
It's that sweet, loving, charming side that makes it so hard to leave our A's.
It would have been so much easier to separate from my A if he was an A-hole all of the time!
But, yes, I always felt there was a good guy/bad guy thing going on. OH, and I found that the very thing that they were doing to you (like making you walk on eggshells) was exactly that they would accuse you of.
It's maddening!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 29
I can totally relate. One part I don't like is that when sober they just blame the alcohol, like, oh I never would have had an affair with that college student if I hadn't been drinking.
By that logic, I wouldn't be going through hell if I left the relationship.
By that logic, I wouldn't be going through hell if I left the relationship.
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