BitingTheBullet

So I have talked about my actively drinking husband. We live with our ds, a senior in HS and have a daughter at college less than an hour away. i was not going to be home when ds came home from football.. 7pm. So before I left home while my husband was out I emptied 4 of his 500 ml wine boxes. They were pinot grigio hiding in his night stand so I dumped 3/4 of each one out and refilled with water. My h adds the wine to gallons of iced tea so he can drink in front of people. Friday night is a special night for my son and I don't want it ruined by a drunk dad. My plan is to stay with my husband for the next 48 hours and not let him replenish his stash. I absolutely know these are not the actions of a detached person. But I cannot sit by and watch him ruin Friday night. He has not had a sober day since mid July. I'm not sure what Saturday will bring. Or how bad the rebound will be. But hopefully Fri. will be calm. We only have one car so yes I can make sure he does not go to the store by himself.

AnvilheadII

and what is your plan for all the other Friday Nights? you can't keep him chained to the radiator.

trust me i get WHY you are motivated to do this, but the approach is short sighted. the problem is much bigger.

BitingTheBullet

Thanks Anvillhead. I know i am just making excuses. But this Friday is Senior night where the two of us will escort our son across the football field before the game along with a teacher my ds has chosen as a person who had a positive impact on him. All the while the announcer is reading my ds's plans for the future. I really want my h to be sober.

LexieCat

So what is your plan for AFTER Friday night?

You still have a son in high school, who presumably would like to have friends come to visit, to have a peaceful, happy home, but instead he has an embarrassing drunk for a father, and a mom who plays hide-the-wine, trying to make everything LOOK OK when clearly it isn't.

So what do you do about that?

BitingTheBullet

Well the plan is I have applied for 4 jobs. I have looked at houses we can move to in the near future. My ds is attending alanon on Sun. Nights. I just cant stomach the ruining of Sr. Night. I do have a plan it is just taking time to get things ready to leave.

BitingTheBullet

I attend alanon on Wed. Mornings for the past 10 months. I started before Thanksgiving last year for support through the Holidays. My h was sober from January 3 til June 1 when he had that one drink and it has been a nightmare since. I joined here mid Sept. Since then I have applied for the jobs and tried to detach honestly not caring if he drank which he has taken as a green light and has been drinking continuosly.

Nata1980

Hugs to you and your DS

Detaching does not have to mean that it is ok to drink in the house. You could always enforce a boundary of no booze in the house. Drunk dad - no activities with DS. I would have totally thrown all those away if I found alcohol around my house.

And explain to DS what the rules are.....so you are on the same page.

Hang in there

Maudcat

Biting thte Bullet, Hi. If I am understanding your post, you have gotten rid of your AH's stash so that he will be sober on your son's special night? He has been drinking continuously since June? My concern is that while he will be sober, he will also be feelings the effects of no or watered down alcohol. That could be as bad , maybe worse, than him being drunk. Any way he could just stay home and miss the event? Peace.

Smarie78

Create boundaries! You can't control what he is going to do. I have a zero tolerance policy in my home. No booze allowed or your out. Granted, I own the home so Abf has no say - but at least I would enforce a "not allowed to join activities unless sober" boundary. Does he push to go places or do you ask him to come and he'd rather be home drunk? Either way what you are doing, and believe you me we have all been there, is almost more harmful plus, if he's gonna get bombed doesn't matter if you fill em up with Kool aide. There's always a way to get some.
My aBF will drink cologne and hairspray if he has to. don't put yourself in danger either if you have an abusive A and risk him finding out what you are doing.

Detachment will save your life until you are ready to physically leave. Find a good group to support you. Prayers to you.

BitingTheBullet

I dont want to spend my time searching for alcohol. I like the detaching. His drinking is his issue. Its just I got fed up today! We have to share the car and I know he stocked up on Tues. because I would have the car today. So when he went out this morning I depleted his stash. Obviously he has more than one stash because he was drink when I got home at 8pm. I was like well he hasnt realized his wine stash is gone or if he did he either walked the 2 miles one way to the circleK or he just had beers hidden elsewhere. He hides his empty beer cans on a shelf in the garage. I have learned that if I "catch" him hiding stuff he just finds a new place so I stop admitting I know where everything is. At least then I have an idea of his consumption although the 4 bottles of wine were a surprise to me. I thought I was just going to find beer!

Hayfmr

I used to throw out the soon to be EXAW's booze and prevent her from driving to the store to buy more. It's not a long term answer but I understand why you did it and I likely would have done the same thing. I would not call it stupid. Wont stop him from drinking in the future but hopefully you prevented your AH from ruining a special evening for your son.

FeelingGreat

More bang for your buck with wine than beer. He's probably finding he can't get drunk fast enough now on beer and has graduated.

Although I appreciate your reasons for getting rid of the wine, I hope you find a job soon because this is going to end in tears.

Smarie78

It's exhausting isn't it? That's how I live my life too. Always trying to control outcomes by beating him at his own game. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. You have to be so tired physically and mentally. Hiding this, going there...catching them, trying to catch them....it's a cycle of exhaustion and pain. Praying for it to stop soon. Be strong. *hugs*

ladyscribbler

I probably poured enough booze down the drain to turn Lake Erie into Lake 80 Proof. It was my way of trying to control a situation that was utterly out of control on all sides.

All it really did was give alcohol that I wasn't purchasing or ingesting the power to ruin things in MY life and my children's lives. I'd invest a lot of energy into generating a particular outcome that I would then use to define my own happiness and success- "X goes to Event and stays sober." I never thought of setting boundaries- "I won't chauffeur a drunk alcoholic to an event."- which would have given me the power to choose to enjoy things whether he was choosing to drink or not.

Hopefully you and your son can enjoy his special night, whatever choices your AH makes.

Kissedbyfire

Sorry you're going through this BitingTheBullet.
I remember pouring out my RAF's bottle of rum once when I didn't want him getting drunk one night. I never did it again. He just called and ordered more from dial-a-bottle after coming home smashed from the bar.
Stash or no stash, car or no car- he'll get his hands on something if he wants it.
If your son and you are both attending Al Anon it sounds like this is an "open issue." Your DS is aware of his drinking problem. Is it possible that until you get your ducks in a row (job, house, security), you could talk to DS and tell him that given his father's current state, we should let him sit things out and not invite him to such events in the future?

I understand you're currently protecting him from possible embarrassment and being let down by his Dad. But he's a senior in HS. Very shortly he'll be protecting him himself from his Dad.
I graduated a post-secondary program a few years ago, and my parents didn't know because I didn't invite them. Everyone brought their parents, spouses, children... and I didn't reserve any seats as my RAF had to work, and I didn't want to invite my parents. My parents eventually found out through the Facebook grapevine and were upset with me over it. They can behave in Public, but we weren't getting along at the time very well (because of their drinking) so I didn't care to invite them.

His Dad doesn't have to know that he's missing out. If he finds out, he can live with the guilt that his son is ashamed of him because of his drinking.

AnvilheadII

as you only have one car, you can leave him home on Friday. that IS an option. you aren't going to get your "perfect" scenario, and your son is well aware of his father's condition.

as someone else mentioned, cutting off someone's supply when they have drank for so long and are so dependent, can be dangerous. you won't get SOBER......you will get a person in severe withdrawals.

i know this event is important to YOU, and your son we assume, but it certainly isn't a highlight for the drinker. let him drink, leave him home.

BitingTheBullet

Thanks all for the advice. My AH is sober at the mment, can it last for 36 more hours? He is in a good mood and eating up a storm! He is part of the crew that sets up the stadium before the games. He is a functioning alcoholic so goes buzzed to set up before games but has his spiked iced tea with him to keep his buzz going all game. But these special nights... When my dd was on homecoming court 2 years ago...he celebrates more and ends up blatantly drunk rather than buzzed. So that is why I am trying so hard to protect tomorrow night. So far he hadnt said anything about the watered down and obviously opened wine. I will let you know tomorrow night if it backfires on me.

Bekindalways

Bitingthebullet, it sounds like you have a good plan and have amassed some support.

firebolt

Hang in there BTB. It sounds like you have a stressful school year ahead. Can you imagine what your life would be like without all of this extra work to try and control someone who is out of control?! Is there any way dad can be uninvited to walk with DS if he chooses to drink?

Cyranoak

i feel so bad for you and your son, and have done exactly the same thing trying for exactly the same result-- to protect my child as much as possible from the destruction of alcoholism on a very special night.

It failed-- she was just as bad sober and desperate for alcohol as she would have been drunk. In addition, I was never able to find a way to keep her from getting more-- I have two college degrees and I'm pretty successful in my career, but alcoholism is way more cunning and tricky than I am.

lastly, most alcoholics stick with wine and hard liquor-- beer takes up too much space in your stomach relative to how much alcohol is in it. wine can be hidden in anything sweet, and so too can rum and vodka (but if they use too much vodka then you can smell it). with alcoholics it's best to assume that if they are drinking anything at all there is alcohol in it.

good luck to you all.

C-