Lost! Please help me with my adult son!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: western pa
Posts: 1
Lost! Please help me with my adult son!
My son is 28 yr old. He has a great job, an MBA, a beautiful apartment, and is on the brink of losing everything .
My son is an alcoholic who also abuses prescription drugs like xanax. Our family has undergone tremendous pain and tragedy over the last year and a half. My youngest son died due to an alcohol related accident and less than a year later, my husband (who I was divorcing) died suddenly. It was on the way home from his funeral that I first learned my son had a drinking problem (he had a withdrawal seizure in the car).
Since that time six months ago, my life has been an up and down roller coaster. My son has been in rehab twice. The first time for 28 days and was a difficult patient. He came out and was sober for a couple months before relapsing. He then went to detox and signed himself after 3 days. Soon after, he relapsed again and went to detox then a rehab but only stayed 2 weeks so he could attend a friend's wedding. He also recently suffered a romantic breakup of a two years at relationship.
He has legal problem due to punching an ex in a drunken rage.
His great job is on the ropes due to multiple absences.
I am now living in another state for the last 3 months but have flown to my son's home several times since March when I find out he's back to drinking. I come here (he doesn't ask me to...mother's love and guilt push me here) to try to pick up pieces and get him on track.
I was here two weeks ago, picked up pieces with his job, cleaned his apartment, bought him food, gathered up and sorted his medical bills, found and attorney for him, went to therapy and AA with him. He stayed on track a little over a week then relapsed big time.
He has been drinking and sleeping since Saturday and has not gone to work this week. When he drinks he will not communicate with me. He no longer has friends in the city and is alone. Afraid for his health and trying to avoid him completely throwing his life away, I flew here again today.
I arrived, he has obviously been drinking and just wants to sleep.
I am at wit's end. I am trying to start a new life for myself but I cannot. I am becoming angry and resentful. I am also very very scared.
My other son is beside himself with worry...he is 25. He lost his brother, father, and now he fears it's only a matter of time
Till he loses another brother.
We live in constant fear.
I read a lot about detaching with love, but how can a mom, or dad, do that?
Please help.
My son is an alcoholic who also abuses prescription drugs like xanax. Our family has undergone tremendous pain and tragedy over the last year and a half. My youngest son died due to an alcohol related accident and less than a year later, my husband (who I was divorcing) died suddenly. It was on the way home from his funeral that I first learned my son had a drinking problem (he had a withdrawal seizure in the car).
Since that time six months ago, my life has been an up and down roller coaster. My son has been in rehab twice. The first time for 28 days and was a difficult patient. He came out and was sober for a couple months before relapsing. He then went to detox and signed himself after 3 days. Soon after, he relapsed again and went to detox then a rehab but only stayed 2 weeks so he could attend a friend's wedding. He also recently suffered a romantic breakup of a two years at relationship.
He has legal problem due to punching an ex in a drunken rage.
His great job is on the ropes due to multiple absences.
I am now living in another state for the last 3 months but have flown to my son's home several times since March when I find out he's back to drinking. I come here (he doesn't ask me to...mother's love and guilt push me here) to try to pick up pieces and get him on track.
I was here two weeks ago, picked up pieces with his job, cleaned his apartment, bought him food, gathered up and sorted his medical bills, found and attorney for him, went to therapy and AA with him. He stayed on track a little over a week then relapsed big time.
He has been drinking and sleeping since Saturday and has not gone to work this week. When he drinks he will not communicate with me. He no longer has friends in the city and is alone. Afraid for his health and trying to avoid him completely throwing his life away, I flew here again today.
I arrived, he has obviously been drinking and just wants to sleep.
I am at wit's end. I am trying to start a new life for myself but I cannot. I am becoming angry and resentful. I am also very very scared.
My other son is beside himself with worry...he is 25. He lost his brother, father, and now he fears it's only a matter of time
Till he loses another brother.
We live in constant fear.
I read a lot about detaching with love, but how can a mom, or dad, do that?
Please help.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm so sorry for everything you've been through and are still going through.
The thing is, swooping in and "picking up the pieces" for him doesn't actually HELP him. I've been married to two alcoholics and am now eight years sober, myself. I've been around alcoholism and recovery since my first husband got sober 36 years ago, and I've known hundreds of alcoholics. Some get well, and some don't, but many of those who do say they got sober only when they had lost everything.
You've given him opportunities to get well and he has rejected them. I'd say at this point you've done what CAN be done for him. To keep rescuing him from his own actions only relieves him of the pain that might eventually be enough for him to realize what he's losing.
I've known people who got sober (and stayed that way) after literally living in a cardboard box for a while. I know it's hard to imagine for your child, but it could be that he needs to just suffer with this for a while. You don't have to close the door on him--you can let him know you're there with emotional support when he's ready to take the steps he needs to--but I think for your own sake, the sake of your other son (who also needs his mom), and your alcoholic son, too, you need to step away.
Have you been to Al-Anon? I think you'd find it VERY helpful. One of my best Al-Anon friends was there because of her son.
Hugs,
The thing is, swooping in and "picking up the pieces" for him doesn't actually HELP him. I've been married to two alcoholics and am now eight years sober, myself. I've been around alcoholism and recovery since my first husband got sober 36 years ago, and I've known hundreds of alcoholics. Some get well, and some don't, but many of those who do say they got sober only when they had lost everything.
You've given him opportunities to get well and he has rejected them. I'd say at this point you've done what CAN be done for him. To keep rescuing him from his own actions only relieves him of the pain that might eventually be enough for him to realize what he's losing.
I've known people who got sober (and stayed that way) after literally living in a cardboard box for a while. I know it's hard to imagine for your child, but it could be that he needs to just suffer with this for a while. You don't have to close the door on him--you can let him know you're there with emotional support when he's ready to take the steps he needs to--but I think for your own sake, the sake of your other son (who also needs his mom), and your alcoholic son, too, you need to step away.
Have you been to Al-Anon? I think you'd find it VERY helpful. One of my best Al-Anon friends was there because of her son.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 179
I have a brother who is a drug addict. He is currently sober, but the things he has gone through are just mind boggling. Addiction is so painful to watch. I am sending you hugs and prayers.
I know it is hard being a partner of an addict because I have been battling with that for 10 years. But, I know the despair my mother has felt over my brother. It has literally made her sick and unwell. I have also watched my xa's mother step in and solve all my xa's problems for him. My mom's worrying and stressing about my brother never helped him. He never took her advice. My xa's mom enabling my xa by paying his fines for DUI's, paying car insurance and renting him an apartment for 10 months did not help my xa either. The xa is still drinking.
I personally stopped helping my brother years ago and that helped ME. And, I also realized that my xa was always going to be an alcoholic until he was able to admit he has a problem AND wants to change it. That realization helped ME.
I agree with Lexie who says that, "You've given him opportunities to get well and he has rejected them. I'd say at this point you've done what CAN be done for him. To keep rescuing him from his own actions only relieves him of the pain that might eventually be enough for him to realize what he's losing.
I know it is hard being a partner of an addict because I have been battling with that for 10 years. But, I know the despair my mother has felt over my brother. It has literally made her sick and unwell. I have also watched my xa's mother step in and solve all my xa's problems for him. My mom's worrying and stressing about my brother never helped him. He never took her advice. My xa's mom enabling my xa by paying his fines for DUI's, paying car insurance and renting him an apartment for 10 months did not help my xa either. The xa is still drinking.
I personally stopped helping my brother years ago and that helped ME. And, I also realized that my xa was always going to be an alcoholic until he was able to admit he has a problem AND wants to change it. That realization helped ME.
I agree with Lexie who says that, "You've given him opportunities to get well and he has rejected them. I'd say at this point you've done what CAN be done for him. To keep rescuing him from his own actions only relieves him of the pain that might eventually be enough for him to realize what he's losing.
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