Serper2014

Hi, I really need some help and support.

I quit drinking 75 days ago.
At first it was hard to sleep. So I started taking melatonin 2.5 mgs per night and alternating that with 25mg of diphenhydramine (benadryl) per night just so I could get some sleep. In the mornings I was tired and I felt like coffee would be a help to get me up in the mornings. I was also smoking cigarettes. I didn't care though. My main focus was to quit drinking permanently and I had tried over and over and failed. This time (and I've made posts about it in the interim), it was easy. Almost too easy. After getting 30 days without alcohol under my belt I decided to try to quit smoking. I tried over and over and in the meantime it was getting harder and harder to wake up in the morning and fall asleep at night. I started taking 2.5 mg of melatonin +25 mgs of benadryl and I didn't keep track of exactly when the tolerance built but eventually I was up to 75mgs of benedryl and 10 mgs of melatonin just to get to sleep at night. If I didn't take anything I would have insomnia and stay up all night, and if I did take the pills I would be late to work every single day, it's like the coffee wasn't even working anymore. I just couldn't find a reason to get out of bed. I finally was able to quit smoking a week ago, which had been a huge crutch in helping me deal with anxiety and boredom while quitting drinking. In the last week I spiraled out of control . I haven't drank or smoked cigarettes, but my mind just couldn't stay "sober" I abused my anti anxiety medicine, I smoked weed (I don't even like it I just didn't want to be sober). I even did nitrous oxide, which is something I haven't done since high school and I switched over to monster rehab energy drinks. Normally energy drinks give me intense anxiety, I've tried them all, from the infamous red bull to cheap brands that are probably only available in my area. I found that the monster rehab energy drinks didn't give me any anxiety and gave me the energy I needed to get out of bed at 6am and work all day. First it started as one in the morning and within a week (today) I had three. Last night I went to the store and I bought the last 3 monster rehab energy drinks and I thought that would get me through the week and I wouldn't need them on the weekend, but I drank all 3 today and I know there is no more at the store that I bought them because over the course of this week I bought the entire stock. I've been tweaked all day and I thought that oh boy I'm going to need 100mg of benadryl and 10mgs of melatonin if I want any chance at sleeping tonight. Worst of all I didn't get any work done today. I was too hyped up to focus on anything for more than 10 mins. Then it hit me. I'm going to be extremely sedated tomorrow, how am I going to get out of bed without one of those energy drinks? I might as well plan on not even going to work tomorrow because there is no way I'm going to be able to get out of bed without one of those energy drinks and I can't substitute for a differnt type of monster drink because those give me such bad anxiety that I have to take benzo just to calm down. All of the sudden a childhood memory came back to me:

I was young and my dad took me to an NA meeting (he's an alcoholic but prefers NA) At the time there were a bunch of people there and I thought they were all losers (except for my dad of course) now this was way before I ever drank or knew what I was. There was one guy there who had a big expensive truck--brand new. He was a doctor, and I knew I wanted to be a doctor at the time (I will be one in the spring (IF) I can get sober) He shared a story that I haven't thought about since the time I heard it. The doctor was sharing about how he quit using and it went something like this:

" It was the night before a big weeklong vacation with my wife and kids. The car was loaded and I was just finishing up packing my bag when I went to the closet where I kept my stash. I pulled it out and my heart dropped. I didn't have enough to get me through the vacation. What was I going to do? I called up my dealer and he didn't have any. I called a few more people they didn't have any either. I couldn't go on vacation with this little of a supply. Then I realized forget the vacation, what about the rest of my life? How am I going to ensure that I have enough to stay high the rest of my life. The weight of that thought is what brought me to NA and now I've been sober for X number of years"

This memory came back to me and that's exactly how I felt. I might never have a problem getting melatonin or benedryl or energy drinks, but what I realized is that If I don't have that can next to my bed tomorrow. I have NOTHING to get out of bed for. I don't have a cigarette to look forward to. I don't really care about my work, my friends, or my family. I can't drink tomorrow night either. I'm not going to throw away 75 days. I have nothing to look forward to. That's when I realized that even though I've been without alcohol for 75 days I haven't really been living sober. I was chasing one legal (and sometimes illegal) high because I needed SOMETHING. So I just dumped out the energy drink that I had left and threw away the pills--all of them. I admitted to myself I'm 100% an addict that just primarily used alcohol and tobacco because they are legal-- once those were removed I was willing to do anything to stay in an altered state of mind. Going and getting the marijuana was really telling. It's not like I have some hippie or hipster friends that could hook me up. I drove into the most dangerous part of the city and started asking people on the street for weed. They probably would have sold me heroin if I had asked for it, but I found a guy, that I let into my car and we drove to a dealers house and I gave him the money and he ran away. That should have been enough of a warning, but nope I kept trying and the second guy that got into my car actually did go into a different dealers house and score me some weed. I smoked half of the little bit that I got and threw the rest away. I don't like weed, why did I even bother?

This may not be the right forum for this type of post. I know many of you smoke and drink coffee or caffeine drinks with no problem. But I'm so SCARED right now. Alcohol, in retrospect, was easy to give up, because everytime I touch one beer, I have 18 and then I'm sick in bed for 36 hours. But caffeine and melatonin? It seems so harmless! Does anybody out there have some experience with quitting drinking and then switching to substances that they never really did before? What steps did you take to become completely sober. I have no desire to drink. When I think of never drinking beer again, I feel relief, but when I think of never having a sleeping pill or a caffeine drink again. It terrifies me. How am I going to get up in the morning? How will I fall asleep tonight? How will I get anything done at work?

Thanks for any insights you can provide. I know it was a long post and I really really appreciate you for taking the time out of your life to read and respond.

MIRecovery

I have the capacity to be addicted to just about anything. That is why I'm not addicted to anything. Substituting one addiction for another makes us neither clean or sober.

I went for 6 years not drinking but abused OTC drugs and eventually went back to drink. If it is mind altering I don't take it

Dee74

For me I realised the problem was not so much the substances I abused - the problem was me.

I had this void in me that I tried to fill with stuff. I could never fill it.

I've had much better results with trying to heal the void.

If you feel like you have nothing to get out of bed for, maybe you're depressed?

If that's so I recommend you see someone, dr or therapist or both.

If you don't feel you're depressed maybe you need to re-jig your life and find something worth getting out of bed for?

I found purpose in service work and helping others.

I'm not saying that needs to be your thing too, but I think looking for and finding your purpose is always a good thing, Serper

D

kk1k5x

/\ what D said

Take what I'm about to write with a pinch of salt, because I'm a heavy smoker and I drink coffee - those things 'go together' for me. And I've had and am having issues with sleeping as well. Sometimes it's from the cup of strong coffee to late at night.
When you mentioned stopping alcohol in retrospect was rather easy compared to cigarettes (congrats! on giving quitting them, I'm going to have to get on that, too) - a guy, a family friend whom I don't really talk to but know they general life situation of, that has been sober what must be 20+ years recently just admitted to how 'eventually, it was easy to stop drinking because it was just so bad - but cigarettes and coffee? It's my daily struggle'. Quite recently he's had heart procedures done and he's still struggling with the smokes. So kudos for dropping that crap. I think (just think, not claiming anything) that even thought they're all addictions, getting rid of them and rooting them out comes from different approaches? Just a thought - so maybe there's a way for caffeine and cigarettes and all the other stuff to be taken out of the equation as well, and do it 'rather easily, in retrospect'.

As to the fact of chasing something to fill the void. At one point, I just started taking ridiculous amounts of Ibuprofein, not over the 'suggested limit', but it seemed that every little discomfort prompted taking one. And it usually came in a cycle: drinking heavily, then run out of booze and go for two strong coffees, then it's 5 or 6 am, if I had zopiclone that my doc prescribed I'd take one or two of those (even though knowing that half of a pill should sedate me enough to get me to fall asleep, given no other substances had been ingested), then wake up with a hellish hangover, drink water and take Ibuprofeins again, then sleep throughout the day. 3 days after that, it was almost certain to repeat. Sometimes when I was out of zopiclone, I'd ask xanax from grandma or take a mild sedative called validolum (which didn't really do much at the end there). I used to take the latter when I needed to calm down before an exam and, once again, at the end there, I was usually hungover when going to exams.

Now, it's just cigarettes and coffee. The rest of the cycle has been cut out. It all started with booze and the rest was just filling some sort of void that can never be filled with those things. But it can be healed, like Dee mentioned.

Wish you the best.

doggonecarl

Abstinence isn't recovery.

That NA story you shared was telling. Maybe you should find one near you.

Mountainmanbob

Having an addictive personality takes real hard work to master. Having a strong staying sober plan is of most importance. Gather up you sober tools and make a firm decision to use them.

You as you know, have a lot riding on this.

Good luck,
M-Bob

melki

I completely understand. So good of you to write it all out and be so honest with yourself. Yeah, scary stuff looking for pot, the AV will do anything to find a fix. There are no shortcuts to healthy living... I think eliminating everything is a good baseline. Maybe later you can enjoy a little cup of coffee in the morning but going from one extreme to knock yourself out at night to another extreme to wake yourself up in the morning is definitely not the way. Your chemical balances are all out of whack. Congrats on the 75 alcohol-free days, keep stacking them up! Wishing you good natural sleep and rest and finding your healthy joyful balance.

courage2

I think it was really important for you to get all that off your chest.

As far as steps to become completely sober, you sound like you need face-to-face structure and someone to call you on your b.s. when you try to say, it's just OTC, or it's just an herb. You'd find that in AA or NA.

As far as how will you get up in the morning or get work done, in my experience, that's pretty damn hard at first. Chew gum or suck on candy and be prepared to be pretty antsy and unproductive. My productivity dropped way way down - I have a 2 year gap in my professional output --but I was still able to be visible and get the very basics done. At one point I was looking at taking a medical leave of absence -- I wasn't drinking but I was completely unspun. But I'm lucky in really good job security.

Regardless of the financials, you have to do whatever it takes to get clean from multiple substances. Without help you may stay in self-destruct mode.

Delizadee

Hello and welcome to the Providence I currently also occupy, the Void.

I feel you. I have nothing much to offer than you're not alone. I'm too busy toying with my childish tantrums. Let's hang in there.