2muchpain

Well, here I am again singing the same old story. Done it for years and always end up in the same place. Lonely, alone, etc. blah blah blah. Sometimes hanging myself sounds like a good idea. Won't do it, but sounds tempting. I try to work on acceptance. I accept the fact that I won't fit in with AA no matter how hard I try. I accept the fact that I'm a drunk. I accept the fact that I will spend a lot of time alone in my apartment no matter what I do. I accept the fact that I won't fit in with the community I live in for the most part. I accept the fact that I will have to deal with anxiety and depression for the rest of my life. I also accept the fact that many people have it much worse than me. I walked out of a liquor store today and walked passed a homeless guy on his way to the same liquor store to buy the pint he always buys. We talked for a while and we both wished each other a good day. Now that's a guy I can relate to. He's honest straightforward, no strings attached. I probably have more in common with him than I do the people at work or in AA. If I got to know the guy, I could probably count on him more than most, cause he understands. Since living where I live, I've learned the hard way to not be too friendly or helpful. It's really hard, cause it goes against the kind of person I am. It drives me nuts not to be able to offer help to others. But that doesn't work where I live. I've thought of the Salvation Army, but their big on AA and Christian and that doesn't work for me since I am not faith based. I don't know. Maybe I don't open doors to life, or life doesn't open doors to me. What I do know is that drinking helps to minimize the difference between the two. Not to advocate drinking, cause alcohol's only goal is to kill, no doubt about it, but sometime alcohol brings parts of life together for a moment that makes sense, even if it's temporary. John

Verte

Hi John,

You have shared some excellent thoughts and advice over the past few years that have helped me tremendously, but I do not talk or write that often so you might not have known how you have helped.

If I recall, you live in a somewhat 'cold' part of the country? Is IOP support an option? Sounds like you need to connect and feel the love in real life. I get it. We all get it.

Dump it, John. Right now is just a moment. It does not have to turn into another nightmare.

entropy1964

Hi John

I started to post something and realized there is no supportive way to say what I was trying to say. The last thing I ever want is to be hurtful. I just hope you find something that might work. Do you have an spiritual beliefs?

ScottFromWI

John, you know this isn't you talking. As Verte points out you have become a fixture of solid reason and good advice for others in sobriety here at SR. You are a much needed and valued member of our community. You also know that it's a complete lie that alcohol somehow "brings us together". It only increases our sorrow and drive to isolate and drink. You know better than this, c'mon back over.

Js26

I can relate to your struggle. AA was also not for me. "Not affiliated with any religious group" is kind of a bold statment on their part so found something that worked for me. I turned to therapy. And i also have issues with anxiety and depression. I have used alcohol to cope with it for ten years until my life fell apart and i basically lost eveything But I have been fortunate enough to have a few supportive family members that havent totally given up on me and for life present opportunities to start over and over again. But i know i just cant keep starting over for ever. Its like my life is on repeat each time I would relapse it all starts over again new job new friends new start, and I always seem to do well at first until I mess things up. I have started and quit 5 jobs this year each time chosing to be a drunk and irresponsible just to end up deserting the job and the friends I made only to start up again somewhere else. I haven't given up or figured out how to stop the pattern but I am getting closer. I guess what I'm trying to say is don't give up, keep trying and that whole fake it until you make it crap has some truth to it. Pretending to be someone who dosent drink and has their **** together has giving me my longest periods of sobriety that I have ever had( only 3 months but still). And coming from a loner dealing with anxiety and depression as well... addressing your mental health issues either with therapy or medication or both can really help.

Hevyn

John I'm so sorry you're feeling this way again. You are cared about and counted on here - by many. No answers will be found by getting numb. I'm glad you posted about your feelings, though.

awuh1

It sounds like you are dealing with depression. Alcohol looks attractive to you because it sometimes temporarily lifts your mood. In the long term it just makes the condition worse.

GET SOME TREATMENT FOR THE DEPRESSION!!!! I think I've suggested this before. Have you done anything to address this?

january161992

john,

tonight is my tuesday weekly salvation army commitment where i sponsor guys thru the 12 steps

yesterday i got a text from a sponsee who moved out of state but got his 1 year coin at a meeting there

i rarely feel joy because im a depressed person but i did feel some then

guys like us are designed to work with others

Delizadee

John
Are there not many meetings in the area you're in?
I only ask because my first home group, very few of them were religious or believed in God. That was why I was drawn to them. Just a bunch of random people who had one thing in common.

You are not alone. I have been where you are so many times. Many of us have. It is TOUGH as hell when you do manage to shake the beast and it STILL feels like living in a black hole. But it's never going to get better if you don't give yourself a fighting chance.

You posted- breaking your silence is good. You're showing up. That's what we do, right? We keep showing up, however we can and listen till we can find our way?

Maybe talking to some people one on one would help. I had to start counseling before I quit drinking to gain some courage to quit for good. And this is some kind of marathon for me... I am hoping what is in the past has taught me what NOT to do in the future to quit letting a relapse happen.

What have you looked into where you are for different kinds of help?
There are more people out there that have things in common with you than you think. People who want to hang there heads and hide in their apartments and not face the world. I am still one of those people.

And all that stuff you accept? That can all be worked on and your views and feelings about them can change. YOU are the only one who can do that. Stop beating the crap out of yourself. You are SO much more than those words you wrote. All of us know that here.

What do you think you could do to change this around?

Algorithm

The choice is not between being a drunk and being an AA, or even between being a drunk and being religious (or spiritual). The choice is always between being a drunk and not being a drunk.

Unfortunately, your addiction will throw everything but the kitchen sink at you to keep you from seeing this, knowing that you will probably choose active addiction over those "alternatives" that don't make any sense to you. The addiction lies, and many can attest to that.

The reality is that most people who recover from an addiction do so without any help or formal program whatsoever, by learning the really hard way, from trial and error. Why re-invent the wheel, though, when you can learn from the mistakes of those who came before?

2muchpain

Ya know, I was in an IOP program a few years ago. I forgot about that. I'll call my doctor tomorrow to see if I can get in it again to help me get on track. It helped a lot before. Surprised I didn't think about it myself. Great idea!!!! Thanks. John

2muchpain

What a relief!! I forgot I had IOP as an option. Duh? My doctor told me I would always be welcome back if I needed to. The program deals with anxiety, depression and a lot of things besides drinking. I really felt like I didn't have any place to turn when it was right in front of me. Glad I posted cause I really didn't see any hope. With my work schedule, I can easily fit in time for this program. Between work, the gym and IOP, and maybe some time back in AA, I should be ok. Thanks, thanks, thanks. I was really lost for a while. Whew. I was going downhill fast. John

Soberpotamus

I loved IOP. It was a great time to sort some things out and have a sort of group therapy environment. A structured environment but not too structured.

John, it sounds like a great idea.

And maybe you can find a new AA group?

Anna

John, I am so, so glad that you have found a solution that will work for you. I think sometimes when things are dark, we need a little nudge to see the way through. Your friends are here for you.

2muchpain

I agree. IOP was a big help. Spending just a half day in group and individual therapy three times a week was a big help. Just being around people F2F with similar problems helps to know I'm not alone. Feeling alone right now is really getting to me so this will help. Throw in a new AA group and I should be fine. I feel such a lift right now. I really felt like death was just around the corner and I was fine with that. Almost in tears right now. John

Delizadee

That's so good to hear John what a difference from the first post to this last one.

2muchpain

Yeah, I don't believe it either. There I was going downhill fast when the answer was right in front of me. Chances are I never would of seen it if I didn't start this thread. I think sometimes the answer to a problem is so obvious that you don't see it. It takes someone else to point it out to you. I've always been good at looking at the broad picture, but real bad at looking at what's right in front of me. John

StormiNormi

When we change the way we look at things; the things we look at change.

I am so proud of you John!

Delilah1

Hi John,

Just read this thread from start to end and I am so glad you have a plan, and are feeling better than when you first started posting.

I also wanted to add to the list of people who have greatly appreciated your posts.

❤️ Delilah

EndGameNYC

Please don't take this as criticism or as an accusation, John. I've reached out before on the problem you've discussed in your post, and it didn't always go well. I'd like to avoid that happening again, but I also want to help you to look at things from a slightly different perspective without also falling into the trap of not "hearing" what I have to say, based on my experience, as some kind of criticism. I respect your comments here on SR, and I've nothing against you. It's likely that you've helped a lot of people here.

I've learned that it's very often the case that whatever it is that makes us me sensitive or most defensive is also the cutting edge of what I need to work through in order to heal, in order to get myself to a better place. Otherwise, there'd be no reason to be defensive.

I've gotten into the habit of thinking about what it is that I'm doing or not doing whenever I struggle to get something that I want, or to make desired changes in my life, when I continue to come up short. It's always obvious if it's the situation itself that's the problem, but even then I'm left with other options. For the most part, I don't get what I want because I either don't truly want it, or want it enough, or because I'm otherwise getting in my own way. The problem is mostly about me, pretty much most of the time. So I've learned to be mindful of my tendency to sabotage myself, among some other things.

Many years ago, when I first got sober, I learned through both my work in AA and my work in intensive psychotherapy, what it was about me and what I was doing to either draw people towards me or to push them away. It wasn't always easy, and I sometimes felt something like humiliation when it became clear to me what role I was playing in pushing people away from me. (I truly meant "intensive" when I wrote it.) These acknowledgements, and my ability to accept them, opened up a whole other world for me that I never even imagined existed, and went a long way in my choosing my profession.

We cannot and do not always know what kind of effect we're having on other people, and most of us are not built to look any deeper than our circumstances and other external conditions when we have trouble bringing people into our lives and maintaining healthy relationships with them. When it comes to the ways in which other people experience us, it's rarely the case that we "know ourselves better than anyone else," no matter how much effort we put into engineering other people's perceptions of who we are.

I think it's great that you're getting yourself back into a therapeutic group setting. If you can bring yourself to do it, you might ask for feedback around how other people in the group experience you, somewhere down the line.

One final note...You may have gotten yourself into a corner by concluding that helping others doesn't work where you live. It's difficult for me to imagine that there's a place on the planet where offering help is mostly declined or ignored, and sometimes even punished, so I'm not certain what you mean. Besides that, for people who are suffering, especially when we're suffering over time, the best way to survive all the pain is to take care of someone else who appears to need more help than we do. It's not really anything new. The mother/caregiver-child relationship depends on it in order for both mother and child to survive