Hopeful3652016

Sorry to seem redundant but I'm on Day 9 and have somewhat of the perfect storm. The alcohol basically influenced a thinking issue which poisoned an important relationship I have with someone special. This is not to say that the fantasies weren't already there its just I felt they were achievable without any ripple effects. So much so I was manipulative and caused a huge separation with anger/resentment. Since then we've both gone to a therapy session together but she still needs space and as she refers to it "baby steps". That was 3 weeks ago and none of which hasn't been easy for me cause all I want to do is fix it by showing her that I'm really "not that guy" but the more I push the worse it gets. On-top of that I quit drinking 9 days ago which is wreaking havoc on me mentally. Don't think physically but my insecurities and low self-esteem is making me want to jump out of my skin!!
The decision to quit drinking was #1 for me and my long-term health (I'm 46) but a very close 2nd was for the relationship (baby-steps) because I do attribute a lot of my poor decision making to the alcohol influence.

Here's where I'm at right now.. I'm trying to work on me and list all the positive things about myself but if I don't hear from her whether its a text or phone call all the negativity sets in and rips me from the inside out.. Example---Last night I was productive for myself, son's hockey practice, food shopping, cooking nice stir fry steak meal, sparkling water only etc... But having not heard from her in the last 10hours and clearly after she's already in bed my mind was racing so bad with negative feelings I broke down into tears playing the "why is this happening, is this a sign she's pulling away, why am I not worth it" routine. To the point I almost went to 7/11 to buy some beers to help my emotional state. I didn't!!
Oh and btw, when I woke up after 6.5hrs asleep I felt like I had a bad hangover.

So here's my questions:
- Can the severity of these emotions be part of the sobriety process? or
- Am I just pathetic and need other professional help?
and
- Because I'm a night owl what activities can I do after 9pm to keep me active without sitting in front of a tv. Tried reading but that only lasts for about 45min.

Thanks in advance..

fred59

you are so early in recovery IMO the only thing you should be focused on is staying sober. Processional help if you can afford it is a good choice CBT is worth a try.
Anxiety, uncertainty, racing emotions there are so many emotional problems early in recovery it takes work and time and a program, breathe and give the lady some space and concentrate on yourself.
SR will help you out keep posting there is great support here, good luck.

entropy1964

Hi Hopeful

I really do relate to how you're feeling. There is a lot in this post.

No matter how hard I try, I cannot control the emotions and behaviors of another. The people around me that feel alienated and hurt because of my addiction will come around when they are ready. They will trust when they are ready. All I can do is focus on me, my recovery and being compassionate to others. My actions speak much louder than words and it can take months, even years, to regain the trust of loved ones.

As an addict, I can get addicted to many different behaviors and substances. Even people (that's my specialty). I obsess on a person. Think about what they're thinking, what they're doing, how do they view me.....a lot. My sense of myself becomes predicated on what they think of me...or what I think they think of me. When I perceive they think I'm 'bad' or not 'trustworthy', that is what I think of me. I have learned that my sense of myself must come from within. That way it can never be taken away. And, its in my control. My self esteem is not based on others perceived thoughts.

You are very early in recovery. Very early. So ya, this is part of the sobering up process. Your central nervous system is all over the place. Take it easy. Be patient. And yes. Get help. AA, Smart, Addiction Counseling, Cognitive behavioral therapy. All good stuff. Exercise, yoga, mindful meditation (You Tube). There are AA meetings in the later evenings almost everywhere.

Take care of yourself. If you have a spiritual belief system, practice it. If you don't, consider developing that side of you. I believe that recovery is mind, body, spirit and community.

Berrybean

Do you really think that reaching out for help with recovery from addiction and addictive thought-processes is weak and pathetic? Hmmmmm, sounds like your AV (addictive voice ) is having one right up your leg, and your ego is right in there getting in on the act.

Why do you think, for one minute, that you will be the one person out of thousands who in a matter of days gets all this sussed, and can figure it all out without any support? There are two big parts to this recovery malarkey. 1 - addressing our alcoholic drinking. And 2- addressing our alcoholic thinking. And the trouble with altering our own perspective alone is that we don't even realise when we're being had by our AV half the time at first.

There is nothing shameful about reaching for help. In fact, it's actually the more sane and brave thing to do. Why not at least give it a go.

ScottFromWI

Congrats on day 9!

Keep in mind that you are very, very early in the process we call sobriety. You could still literally be feeling some acute physical withdrawal symptoms and definitely mental ones. So absolutely - yes - the roller coaster emotions are quite normal.

We as addicts have in inherent craving for instant gratification. Taking the alcohol away does not change that, so many times we have unrealistic expectations of how our recovery should go. What you are feeling is your body and mind trying to adjust to the lack of alcohol, and it doesn't like it. That's why you hear so many people here talk about a "plan". A plan can mean a lot of different things, but in general it means learning to deal with/face the challenges of life. Some go to meetings, some seek counseling, some even do rehab or detox - you'll need to decide which is the best fit for you. But don't assume that things will get better if you just sit and wait for it to happen because you stopped drinking.

Dim

Hi hopeful i'm no expert in the matter but i definitely feel your pain. I'm just over 2 weeks sober and my gf hasnt left me yet but says she needs space. My emotions like yours are very much governed by whether or not i hear from her and i too have to work very hard to keep negative thoughts at bay. I'm trying very hard to not to think about it and keep as busy as possible. In the meantime focussing on my sobriety is absolutely number 1.
All the best to you. I definitely feel the pain.