The beginning of a long road...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 1
The beginning of a long road...
It's a cold Tuesday and I am sitting here at the keyboard at work. Alcohol has yet again cost me another relationship. I feel like such an idiot for letting it happen again but I suppose everything does happen for a reason. One great positive is that I am here and fully committed to my recovery. With that said I would like to share my story.
I never thought I had a problem. I always thought that I was in control and that my occasional binge drinking was alright; that is was normal. This binge drinking became more frequent and while I don't drink every night or even every week, when I do drink its tough to stop. I recently told the person I was seeing that I was an alcoholic after a bout of drunk texting the night before and she called me drunk. It's funny how the simple things can stick with you. Reading that message ripped me to the bone far worse then anything my family had ever said or did. The following morning I vowed to never touch the stuff again, or switch to another drug (which is all to common for addiction). Last time I tried to quit it was tough to sleep at night so I took sleeping pills but that compounded the issues. I've only ever had 2 or 3 blackouts in my whole life until I started taking those pills, now they were an almost weekly occurrence. I never mixed the two but it didn't matter, to those around me they couldn't tell if I was drunk or high on the pills. I've lied so many times trying to cover myself that no one believes anything I say and to know my credibility with my family and loved ones is gone hurts more that I can ever put into words. There are two things I will never get back.... time and trust. I've been chasing the trust issue but I have to just accept that no one will trust a word I say. "This is the last time." "I won't let it happen again." "I only had 2 drinks."
The real truth... I can't keep living my life this way, and I've hurt so many people that it makes me want to just keep drinking to forget the hurt I've caused and the shame I feel but I know that it will only get worse and won't solve anything. With that said this 2-3 year chemical induced lifestyle has come to a close. Wish me the best in the road that lies ahead.
I never thought I had a problem. I always thought that I was in control and that my occasional binge drinking was alright; that is was normal. This binge drinking became more frequent and while I don't drink every night or even every week, when I do drink its tough to stop. I recently told the person I was seeing that I was an alcoholic after a bout of drunk texting the night before and she called me drunk. It's funny how the simple things can stick with you. Reading that message ripped me to the bone far worse then anything my family had ever said or did. The following morning I vowed to never touch the stuff again, or switch to another drug (which is all to common for addiction). Last time I tried to quit it was tough to sleep at night so I took sleeping pills but that compounded the issues. I've only ever had 2 or 3 blackouts in my whole life until I started taking those pills, now they were an almost weekly occurrence. I never mixed the two but it didn't matter, to those around me they couldn't tell if I was drunk or high on the pills. I've lied so many times trying to cover myself that no one believes anything I say and to know my credibility with my family and loved ones is gone hurts more that I can ever put into words. There are two things I will never get back.... time and trust. I've been chasing the trust issue but I have to just accept that no one will trust a word I say. "This is the last time." "I won't let it happen again." "I only had 2 drinks."
The real truth... I can't keep living my life this way, and I've hurt so many people that it makes me want to just keep drinking to forget the hurt I've caused and the shame I feel but I know that it will only get worse and won't solve anything. With that said this 2-3 year chemical induced lifestyle has come to a close. Wish me the best in the road that lies ahead.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
Originally Posted by Enigma81 
I can't keep living my life this way, and I've hurt so many people that it makes me want to just keep drinking to forget the hurt I've caused and the shame I feel but I know that it will only get worse and won't solve anything.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
Welcome enigma 
It may not seem like it now, but you will gain trust back. It takes a little time and a lot of effort but basically if you 'live right' from here on in, people will notice that - without you having to say a word
as for time...whats done is done. The important thing is to make the most of the time we have available to us today
D
It may not seem like it now, but you will gain trust back. It takes a little time and a lot of effort but basically if you 'live right' from here on in, people will notice that - without you having to say a word
as for time...whats done is done. The important thing is to make the most of the time we have available to us today
D
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Hi and welcome,
Thanks for the post.
Don't believe you were crazy or weak for not being able to stop boozing.
It is so hard to quit w out some serious motivation.
After a relatively short time the physical addiction ends and the mental addiction shows through.
The addiction is forever.
Since we drank when happy, sad, or to relax...all of these times become triggers.
The only reason i quit was because i had a physical breakdown that could have hurt me, my son, or my friend.
That got me here...17 months sober.
The crave lurks...still.
Being a drunk is a learned behavior...it can be unlearned.
Thanks for the post.
Don't believe you were crazy or weak for not being able to stop boozing.
It is so hard to quit w out some serious motivation.
After a relatively short time the physical addiction ends and the mental addiction shows through.
The addiction is forever.
Since we drank when happy, sad, or to relax...all of these times become triggers.
The only reason i quit was because i had a physical breakdown that could have hurt me, my son, or my friend.
That got me here...17 months sober.
The crave lurks...still.
Being a drunk is a learned behavior...it can be unlearned.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
