amy55

I went to visit my son and daughter in law in Maryland last weekend. Had a terrific time. We went to babys r us, so that they could do a registry for the baby shower. I'm throwing a Jack and Jill, and kids invited also baby shower for them on 12/10/2016. It's not a surprise. You can't really do a surprise baby shower nowadays anyway. Not when it is also a 3 1/2 hour trip, one way.

So had a terrific time. My son also did a BBQ, and took me out to eat. Everything is terrific.

I get a phone call from my son last Friday. He wants to know if I know anything about my oldest daughter filing for a divorce !!!! Well, it's not really news to me, she has been saying this for years, but I have recently described her as a drama queen, with the drama of the day awards. (lol)

So supposedly my daughter is having him served with divorce papers this Friday, and asked my son to be there for here. OK, all well and good. I'm not being involved.

Then she tells me that she is coming up to see me on Dec 3rd, because she is going to a concert near where I live. OK, I can deal with this. Then she tells me she is bringing her boyfriend with her. OK, can even deal with this, don't want to, but can do this.

Then she tells me that the next weekend after the concert, for the baby shower, that she is also bringing her boyfriend there. !!!!!!

Now, I am getting angry, but I control it. I tell her that I think she should contact her attorney about that, since that might not be good for her divorce. I guess, I just can't believe that she would do this, but I should know better then this by now. I should always expect the unexpected. If she insists on this, I am going to tell her that I want the attention to be paid to the parents to be and not on her and her divorce and her new boyfriend.

Looking to be like another drama filled months ahead of me, and I am going to do my best to stay out of everything.

I just know she can never move in with me. I moved to a really bad school district, my house is not big enough, and I will be moving to Florida. I had wanted to take at least one or 2 more trips to Florida to make up my mind about this, but if she even considers moving to Pa, then I am out of here.

amy

PS-- Thanks for letting me vent........

Thomas45

Well, nothing lasts forever. Not the good, not the bad.

maia1234

Amy,
Ugh!! You need to step back and think about today. There could be a million different senerios by the time of the shower with this child. Always the center of attention.

Deep breaths, and follow through with boundaries my friend. You are going to need them!!

amy55

I know about today, I know about my daughter. This was the daughter that filed an RO against me because I wanted to attend my grandsons b/d party, and I asked her if her father could come the next weekend for Easter, since my mom was coming in from Florida for this.

I try to have as little dealings with her as possible, but with the baby shower, I couldn't do that. I'll be paying for everything, and giving both my daughter s the credit for it.

I am not really over thinking things here, she will be calling me for money, she will be calling me to take care of my grandsons so she can go out. Not that I would mind, but I live over 2 hours away, and I have 4 cats.

This is the daughter that I think may be a little hypochondriac, and also possible histrionic personality.

Just saying, I might be here venting quite a bit in coming months.

amy

Thank you.

LexieCat

amy,

You can always say no. Seriously, you can.

amy55

I am going to say "no" to her borrowing money. I have my pension, and I have my IRA. Her lawyer thinks they can get $400. per child per week. That's not enough for her even though she is on Social Security Disability. She likes to buy COACH bags, so I will be saying no to that. I'll also say no to most of the weekends that she will want me to come over and watch my grandsons, that also includes being a maid, a cook, and a landscaper. I know this. I lived with her for a few months when she was on bedrest. The thing is, I do really think she attacked me with the RO, because she wanted me to move in with her when I was leaving, so that she would have a maid (slave).

I'm going to practice in the mirror saying the word "no" over and over again.

amy

Snarly

Hi Amy ,

I'm Snarly .. fairly new here.

PLEASE vent away!!!

I'm only 13 days sober.. but I have been attached to the s/r forums for the last week and have rambled endlessly..

I am amazed at the healing effect of venting.. members have been more than kind and patient reading through me ramblings and answering my questions.

While i do not have any personal experience with what you are going through with your daughter, I do empathize with what it is doing to you.....

Keep venting and ramble on

Snarly

amy55

Wanted to say hi Snarly, thanks for the reply.

I don't know, I think I was really past the PTSD responses that I would get with my ex. Didn't really do that with my daughter yet. I know that I am not covering many things that had happened with my daughter, it's a long story.

Most of the time this daughter will not speak to me unless and until she has drama, or needs money. I made a promise to my mom that I would try my hardest to keep up the communication with my family. When this daughter won't speak to me, it's like she talks to the others, and no one speaks to me.

So things are good now, and this is where I walk on eggshells. One wrong thing from me, and she just destroys me again. I don't know if my son will buy it this time. That 4 hour marathon phone call with him was about her divorce, and how his wife refuses to stay at my daughters house anymore, because she afraid to be there, but mostly because of the filth, afraid to take things from the refrigerator, and also because it always feels very tense there, like an explosion is coming.

I think I am going to just try to keep things together until after the baby shower. It's my sons first baby and they went through a lot for this. After this, I no longer care what I say to my daughter. I will tell her that no way in h3ll should she bring her boyfriend to this baby shower.

amy

amy55

OK, I am starting to think straight again. I guess my question is this

Do I tell my son that his sister is planning to bring a boyfriend to his baby shower, within 2 months of even filing for divorce which none of the relatives would really even know about, or

Do I just tell her no, that is a stupid idea. The day is about your brother and his wife.

I always said writing things down, helped me out. This was an easy one for me once I wrote it down.

I really only want this baby shower to go OK. I'm use to being ignored by this daughter.

My son is already dealing with things with his father telling him that most likely his family would not attend this baby shower.

It really helps to write things down, and thanks for listening.

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy

Praying

Hi Amy,

Are you able to sort out how much of your frustration is that there IS a boyfriend being flaunted at this stage so early, reeking of an affair?

While it's easy to say because it's not my daughter, the best way to not have the drama is to not have the drama. I'd tell her to make sure her brother is okay with it--or just tell him and let him know to tell her if he doesn't want it.

It's really "not your problem"...it's possible your son won't care. And if he does, he can tell her.

Then maybe you can sort out your feelings and why it bothers you so much.

Your daughter sure pushes some buttons with you--and I say this kindly--but she seems repeatedly toxic in her interactions with you. I think you're right that there's more stress to come if you let it.

In Lexie's words, you CAN always just say no. To anything.

maia1234

Amy,
I agree with praying. This shower is for your son. The parents make up the guest list, not you. Have her ask him and have them work it out. Your opinion should not matter, just saying. You have to respect the parents decisions and everyone needs to follow that.

It will be a long year with the divorce and drama. Listen, don't advise her, mind your side of the street only. She is going to do what she's going to do, with or with out your blessing. Have patience my friend, your going to need them.

Lilro

I agree with praying also. Tell your son and let him handle it. As for you? Close your pocketbook and learn how to say NO! She's an adult who is capable ( obviously ) of making her own decisions. Stay on your side of the fence, with a smile of course!!
Good luck! Let us know what happens. YOU CAN DO IT SO DO IT!

53500

Hi Amy,

You know, I'd let your adult children handle their own communication with each other. Why get in the middle of a he said/she said mess?

I generally agree that the parents should make up the guest list, not you, although since it's in your house - you can say who is welcome in your house. If the bf's prescense is beyond what you can endure then say he can't come and deal with the reaction. But if you can put up with him for a few hours then drop the subject, let him come, and everyone will react however they choose. You can't control this.

I take it you know nothing about him? Like, is he gonna get drunk and ruin the party? That would be a good reason to forbid him.

And I totally agree with the others: say NO to your daughter when she asks for unreasonable things - money, getting you to travel for hours to babysit, or anything else. So she will be angry, so what, it seems like "angry" is the default for her.

I also agree with Praying. Both her comments and actually praying. That can give you real clarity and I will say a prayer for this situation.

Good luck with all of it and moving to Florida!

amy55

I know why it bothers me so much. It's not even the guy. It's her life, not mine. It's because most of the family gatherings we have, she pulls some kind of stunt so that it becomes all about her.

She has previously used these occasions as a venue to do her jewelry show and now that she is into Ma ry K ay, she already has some plans to make this about that. She already is trying to make this into a fundraising type of invent. She wanted to put on the invites that everyone should bring a roll of quarters so that they can put the quarters into a piggy bank that her son made in ceramics (she actually made the piggy bank), then you get tickets and there are drawing so that she could give away her products. I told her "no" on that, but that doesn't mean it's not going to happen.

I'm just so tired of when I go out to have a cigarette, and my cousins follow me out to ask me, "What's wrong with her this time"? I just wanted this to be a drama-free zone for my son and daughter in law.

I am paying for the shower, and I already know that my son would not want this guy here, but he would never tell her "no". I'll ask him though, and if he says "no", then I will tell her. I don't mind when she doesn't speak to me.

Her staying over here, I would prefer her not stay here, mostly because it's usually drama and she brings projects for me to do for her. I don't really have an objection to the guy here, except if she is also bringing my grandchildren. I will not be a party to her sleeping with this guy in my house with the children here, when she is only separated for 2 months. If she wants to do that, it should be done at her house. I am dead set against having a guy around her children at this early of a time after separation, knowing he could be gone in less then a month. If she intends to bring the children, I'm going to let her know the children can stay with me, but she needs to get a hotel room.

I'm just so tired of everything having to be about her. I just wanted this day to be perfect for my son and daughter in law.

I can say to myself "Let Go, Let God", all the time for me, my son has a slight temper though, and my daughter in law already doesn't get along that well with my oldest daughter. I just want this day to be OK, and they can fight later.

I'm not the "morals police", by any means. I know most people will not even know she is separated, or perhaps they will, because she will post it all over fakebook, but the talk there will turn everything into her filing for divorce, why she is filing, and that she already has a new boyfriend.

IDK, knowing my son the way that I do, he has a short fuse. He may just say to cancel the whole thing.

Can you tell that I am trying to think this whole thing through while typing?

I'm going to try one more time with my daughter, if my last appeal to her about asking her lawyers advice on this one, to ask her if she could just please bring him around for Christmas, that she would be busy the day of the shower, and he would be there not knowing anyone.

If that doesn't work, then I will ask my son (who doesn't even know about this boyfriend yet) how he feels about it.

Thank you,
amy

ardy

wow and major wow.. Amy babe you just scream it all out here.. it helps believe. me.. just tell her out right you can't bring the boyfriend along.. bottom line.. NO... I stepped hard on my Hubby's son .. from bring a brand new girl friend to Ed's Birthday party last year... we had just learned of the Divorce and he was going to bring the girl friend and not the grand kids.. pooo with nobs on... the family had a fit and then thought it over .. If the Wife of Our Only Grand Kids was not coming the tag along girl friend could stay away.. poooo...

alwayscovering

I agree with all of the above...My brother and I sometimes have issues. He sees me as the golden child. I always made stellar grades, never misbehaved(note never got caught is more accurate) he felt like my parents loved me more blah blah blah. My mom was always trying to mediate. Her therapist told her that we are adults and can navigate(or not) our own relationship. Just stay out of it. Now when we fight she doesn't try to force us to speak to each other and doesn't try to be a go between -it's waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay less stressful for her.

atalose

You seem afraid of your daughter, some fear that makes walking on egg shells far better than not walking on them.

From what you posted, she drives the bus and you jump on for the ride screaming and annoyed the whole way.

I find it very disrespectful that she INFORMED you of her plans which involved coming to your home as a second to the real reason of coming for a concert. Did she even ask if you had other plans or would be inconvenienced or put out by her arrival with her boyfriend?

Looking at things from way over here on what you posted, I’d say “snap out of it” as hard as it may be to accept, she is not very respectful of you and you don’t seem to demand any.

Are you really going to pay for a shower then give credit to someone who you are already planning might very well ruin it, she gets credit for that? Really?

As we say here often, alcoholics don’t have relationships they take hostages. Same with drama addicts and the enablers who become their hostage.

I'm guessing she knows exactly how to light the fuse (you) to ignite all the drama which always surrounds HER.

Love and respect my dear, you certainly deserve that.

amy55

Atalose, you brought up a lot of things that I question myself about lots of times. I do walk on eggshells around her, she filed an RO against me at one point because I wanted to go to my grandsons birthday party, and she said I called CPS on her.

I do much better mentally when she will not talk to me. I answer the phone when she does talk to me because of my concern for my grandchildren, and because I see what she posts on fakebook.

Just recently she had sent me her results of medical tests. She was on fakebook, telling everyone she is dying again, and has yet another terminal illness. I had the results, I was able to use that to calm down my mother who is 84 yrs old.

With this new knowledge of her divorce, I was able to ask her if she ever took my grandsons to the dentist yet. She told me last year that her H didn't think it was necessary, even though she did take them and one of them already needed root canals and caps at age 11. So, when I asked her, she told me she took the youngest one age 9 to the dentist, but not the other one that had the problem. I told her, that would be a really good thing to do to help with child custody. I don't have enough to call CPS on her, and to be honest here, between my daughter and son in law, I don't know who the children would be better off with. There is not enough for both of them to lose custody.

As for the shower, my youngest daughter does not have the financial means to help out with this. She does have the time, even though limited, as she is working and going to school. I know at baby showers you need help with moving boxes, making that silly hat, and putting the cards wit h the right package. I'm really getting too old to do this. My son and daughter in law know that I am doing this, and that is really all that matters to me. I don't think guests really think about who is really throwing the baby shower, and I don't really care. I just want to have some input so my drama queen doesn't make it into a circus.

With her coming up here and staying at my house, "no", she never did ask me. I guess I am so use to that, I didn't even realize that.

I don't even know what to say. I had talked to my son Sean for a really long time on Friday night. Most of it was about the craziness going on in my daughters house. Some of it was about how sometimes you don't even see the craziness in someones life because people tend to hide those things.

I do know from the things that he said is, he and his wife are having a baby in Feb, most likely buying a house in July. I also know that he was very upset about his nephews, (I worry more about the older one, he worries more about the younger one), that he would take them in.

My daughter called me today She was talking about Hurricane Matthew. She was hoping it would be really big, because they named it after her youngest son Matthew.

It's really hard for me to balance things, I know she makes me crazy, I know that I have to hold on a little longer. I am grateful that I live over 2 hours away from her. I would prefer to have nothing to do with her, but I know when she talks to me, she confides in me more then other people.

Thank you, you did give me a few more things that I need to work on for myself.

amy

amy55

I asked my son about my daughter bringing her bf to the baby shower. He told me no. He told him that he would hit the guy.

Anyway, baby shower is still going on. My son is really out of it, knowing that he may have to contact CPS.

It was strange talking to him tonight. He is just starting a family, and now he needs to consider that he may eventually take guardianship of his 2 nephews.

He brought that up, not me.

Well, my daughter finally went back home. She did get a temp. RO on her H. I really didn't like that she left last Friday, without the children.

I really don't know what to think anymore because my daughter is just irrational. Her H is no better.

amy

Refiner

Wait... Who has the two boys?