Making amends
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 16
Making amends
Hi everyone,
Just checking back in after the weekend and have to say I read through all your postings to my last message everyday as they were the only things keeping me sane. Its very comforting that people from all over the world are there to give support in a time when I feel I am losing the plot.
I have really tried hard not to contact him as it isn't doing me any favours... I don't hear what I want to hear and then get incredibly upset. I will talk about this with my counselor on Tuesday I think.
Anyway, he phoned me on Sunday to arrange the kids and told me that he had completed the 12 steps with his sponsor at the weekend and it was really tough going. He then said that he has to make amends with everyone on the list he has made and obviously me and the kids would be first. I asked him how long he had been sober and he said 6 weeks since his last drink. If that is true, it is the longest time without a drink since we met (and probably a long time before that). I then started getting upset that he would not be this sober person with me that I had wanted all along and had to end the conversation.
Can anyone tell me what to expect with this 'making amends'. I don't know what to think about it. Is one weekend truly enough time to reflect back on 15 years of our relationship? What will he be expecting from me? Will I be able to say how I feel about things? I actually am unsure I will be able to meet him without crying and that won't be very productive. It's so strange as the last few times we have seen each other he looks like he wants to kill me yet when on the phone he is always very chatty and resolute with his sobriety and the ending of our relationship. Its actually making me feel sick thinking about it.
To top it all my dad went in to have his yearly diabetic eye check only for him to end up having a brain scan today as they found bulges behind his eyes. He was diagnosed with cancer in January with 6 months to live so now we are waiting on the results from the scan which should come in after 5pm today. I am praying it hasn't spread to his brain. The first person I wanted to phone was exabf but I resisted. I know deep down that any support I get will be superficial as he is only concerned with keeping sober at the minute (which I guess is right) but a cuddle wouldn't go amiss right now xx
Just checking back in after the weekend and have to say I read through all your postings to my last message everyday as they were the only things keeping me sane. Its very comforting that people from all over the world are there to give support in a time when I feel I am losing the plot.
I have really tried hard not to contact him as it isn't doing me any favours... I don't hear what I want to hear and then get incredibly upset. I will talk about this with my counselor on Tuesday I think.
Anyway, he phoned me on Sunday to arrange the kids and told me that he had completed the 12 steps with his sponsor at the weekend and it was really tough going. He then said that he has to make amends with everyone on the list he has made and obviously me and the kids would be first. I asked him how long he had been sober and he said 6 weeks since his last drink. If that is true, it is the longest time without a drink since we met (and probably a long time before that). I then started getting upset that he would not be this sober person with me that I had wanted all along and had to end the conversation.
Can anyone tell me what to expect with this 'making amends'. I don't know what to think about it. Is one weekend truly enough time to reflect back on 15 years of our relationship? What will he be expecting from me? Will I be able to say how I feel about things? I actually am unsure I will be able to meet him without crying and that won't be very productive. It's so strange as the last few times we have seen each other he looks like he wants to kill me yet when on the phone he is always very chatty and resolute with his sobriety and the ending of our relationship. Its actually making me feel sick thinking about it.
To top it all my dad went in to have his yearly diabetic eye check only for him to end up having a brain scan today as they found bulges behind his eyes. He was diagnosed with cancer in January with 6 months to live so now we are waiting on the results from the scan which should come in after 5pm today. I am praying it hasn't spread to his brain. The first person I wanted to phone was exabf but I resisted. I know deep down that any support I get will be superficial as he is only concerned with keeping sober at the minute (which I guess is right) but a cuddle wouldn't go amiss right now xx
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you do not have to accept any amends that you do not feel ready or willing to endure. you are not obligated.
some folks do plow thru the 12 steps in short order. that is not to say they did a bad job of it, or that the steps must be done at a pre-determined speed. the steps are so personal, so unique to each individual, that IMHO one should never attempt the gauge the QUALITY of the results.
that being said, 6 weeks is not a long time FOR YOU. and that is ok. you can say NOT NOW, I'm not ready. and IF he was sincere in his stepwork, and IF there truly has been a change in mind and heart, he will ACCEPT your reply and not push. that would actually be a good litmus test......for the one word above all else that addicts hate is NO.
some folks do plow thru the 12 steps in short order. that is not to say they did a bad job of it, or that the steps must be done at a pre-determined speed. the steps are so personal, so unique to each individual, that IMHO one should never attempt the gauge the QUALITY of the results.
that being said, 6 weeks is not a long time FOR YOU. and that is ok. you can say NOT NOW, I'm not ready. and IF he was sincere in his stepwork, and IF there truly has been a change in mind and heart, he will ACCEPT your reply and not push. that would actually be a good litmus test......for the one word above all else that addicts hate is NO.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
I like what Anvil had to say (as usual).
My opinion as someone who has been around the program for over 10 years is the steps are constantly being worked. They are not boxes you check off and say you are done. Yes there is the formal part of the amend where I spoke with the people face to face and explained where I was wrong and what I am doing to change. It wasn't about whining and saying I am sorry. God knows people have heard enough of that.
This might sound a bit backwards, but the formal amend is actually more for the alcoholic or addict than it is for the person receiving the amend. It is meant to continue in the process of cleaning up our side of the street. Reason being we can't control how the person receives the amend and they for very good reason might not want to hear it.
The biggest part of the amend to me is actually changing. Words are just that - words. Actions mean everything. Stop doing the wrong things and start doing the right things. Which means different things for different amends. In a couple of cases it actually meant to stop forcing myself into someone's life who wasn't ready or didn't want me there.
So going back to what Anvil said if you just aren't ready feel free to tell him that. Of course you can't stop someone from showing up on your doorstep, but again you in no way have to accept it. If he is truly trying to change he will respect that and not turn it into some manipulative situation where you are some evil person. He should know the real amend is not in his words, but in his actions.
My opinion as someone who has been around the program for over 10 years is the steps are constantly being worked. They are not boxes you check off and say you are done. Yes there is the formal part of the amend where I spoke with the people face to face and explained where I was wrong and what I am doing to change. It wasn't about whining and saying I am sorry. God knows people have heard enough of that.
This might sound a bit backwards, but the formal amend is actually more for the alcoholic or addict than it is for the person receiving the amend. It is meant to continue in the process of cleaning up our side of the street. Reason being we can't control how the person receives the amend and they for very good reason might not want to hear it.
The biggest part of the amend to me is actually changing. Words are just that - words. Actions mean everything. Stop doing the wrong things and start doing the right things. Which means different things for different amends. In a couple of cases it actually meant to stop forcing myself into someone's life who wasn't ready or didn't want me there.
So going back to what Anvil said if you just aren't ready feel free to tell him that. Of course you can't stop someone from showing up on your doorstep, but again you in no way have to accept it. If he is truly trying to change he will respect that and not turn it into some manipulative situation where you are some evil person. He should know the real amend is not in his words, but in his actions.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think Anvil's right on the money with this. You won't "hurt" his recovery by saying you aren't ready for an amends just yet. The Big Book is very specific that the important thing from his standpoint is willingness to make the amends, not that someone else accept them.
If you think at some point you WOULD like an amends, I'd suggest asking if you should let him know when you're ready to hear them. Otherwise he might assume that to offer again would upset you (which is what he should avoid).
You can then make a decision at a point where you've had a chance to heal, and also to see whether he has stayed on the beam.
If you think at some point you WOULD like an amends, I'd suggest asking if you should let him know when you're ready to hear them. Otherwise he might assume that to offer again would upset you (which is what he should avoid).
You can then make a decision at a point where you've had a chance to heal, and also to see whether he has stayed on the beam.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Anyway, he phoned me on Sunday to arrange the kids and told me that he had completed the 12 steps with his sponsor at the weekend and it was really tough going.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr 
He's sober six weeks and claim he's done all the steps? I doubt it, it typically takes 6 months of a year to complete the steps, when they're done right. It's about what YOU need, and that's the remain no contact.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
The good thing about the steps is we can revisit them more than once. And perhaps should as we progress in our sobriety. Everyone does the steps differently. Some take a lot of time, some try to get through them quickly. Everyone who has posted is correct, though. The amends are not so much for the people they have hurt , but for the drinkers themselves. It's an acceptance of the part they played. It's early days in your partner's recovery and for your new normal. If you don't feel you can accept his amends with a willing heart, don't. I, too, am far more moved by amends of action, which takes a lot more than saying sorry. Peace.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by dandylion
"Pigeon"?......that must be some kind of saying that you all Yankees use.....?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 16
I am still finding the whole thing too difficult and cry most days then send him a soppy text then get no response and wonder what the hell I am doing!! I need to get a bloody grip before I go under. It feels like I am clinging to the wreckage whilst he has just sailed off in his lifeboat. 😔
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
dailystruggle...It sounds like you are going through the grieving process.....which would be normal and expected for your situation.
Grieving is painful and can feel very overwhelming...a mixture of swirling emotions...like an emotional kalediscope.....
You need tons of support and understanding people to just talk and ventilate to, as you go through this process.....
For the present...just getting from day to day, intact, would be considered a success, in my opinion.....
I am especially happy that you are seeing a counselor.
You will heal, and,
with work, you will grow...
this is the short-term pain for the long term gain.
It won't always feel like this.
As oainful as it feels..keep facing forward and put your own welfare as your first priority.....
I am a big fan of the therapeutic value of crying....go ahead...Mother Nature gave us this gift for when we are sad and hurting....
Grieving is painful and can feel very overwhelming...a mixture of swirling emotions...like an emotional kalediscope.....
You need tons of support and understanding people to just talk and ventilate to, as you go through this process.....
For the present...just getting from day to day, intact, would be considered a success, in my opinion.....
I am especially happy that you are seeing a counselor.
You will heal, and,
with work, you will grow...
this is the short-term pain for the long term gain.
It won't always feel like this.
As oainful as it feels..keep facing forward and put your own welfare as your first priority.....
I am a big fan of the therapeutic value of crying....go ahead...Mother Nature gave us this gift for when we are sad and hurting....
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Agree with what others have posted in describing amends and would also add....the alcoholic is not supposed to make an amends to another when it would harm that person. This is something the (sincere) recovering alcoholic is supposed to weigh and then apply discernment in the how/what/when/IF of making amends. Respect for the effect on the intended recipient is key. It is ok for us to make amends in different forms; I have done so with those to whom I have made amends, or in the case with my parents as an example, continue to make in living form.
Also....I am on the "side" of taking time to go through the steps. I am going on Step 6 (yes, I did 4 and then essentially 10 as far as my spiritual focus on making amends and cleaning up messes as I go along with life) and I am going on 8 months sober. My program is a very diligent, in depth and seeking understanding one. Of course I read and know all 12 but a quick "run through" program was not for me. Also, the people who have what I want, with whom I spend time and see in meetings etc, also typically believe that working the steps in reality can and probably should be repeated; this doesn't mean literally working them (ie in book/workbook/with a sponsor form as I am doing now) but rather as your spiritual focus as you keep going and growing.
Every person to whom we need to make amends has the right (and IMO should exercise it) to protect themselves from the alcoholic, until and when (if) they are ready to listen and decide about accepting the amends.
Ultimately, you have to do you and he has to do him. Best wishes for YOUR continued recovery.
Also....I am on the "side" of taking time to go through the steps. I am going on Step 6 (yes, I did 4 and then essentially 10 as far as my spiritual focus on making amends and cleaning up messes as I go along with life) and I am going on 8 months sober. My program is a very diligent, in depth and seeking understanding one. Of course I read and know all 12 but a quick "run through" program was not for me. Also, the people who have what I want, with whom I spend time and see in meetings etc, also typically believe that working the steps in reality can and probably should be repeated; this doesn't mean literally working them (ie in book/workbook/with a sponsor form as I am doing now) but rather as your spiritual focus as you keep going and growing.
Every person to whom we need to make amends has the right (and IMO should exercise it) to protect themselves from the alcoholic, until and when (if) they are ready to listen and decide about accepting the amends.
Ultimately, you have to do you and he has to do him. Best wishes for YOUR continued recovery.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Nope, dailystruggle, about the lifeboat. Awesome analogy, btw. Let's flip it. You are the one standing on rock-solid dry land. He has sailed off in a leaky sailboat. Just a matter of time before it sinks. Peace.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by dailystruggle1
Can anyone tell me what to expect with this 'making amends'. I don't know what to think about it.
What will he be expecting from me? Will I be able to say how I feel about things?
One should not expect all bases to be covered with this being only the first attempt at making amends.
There should be no expectations put on you to do anything at this time. You could possibly forgive some things but, sincerity would be of most importance.
Feel free to share your thoughts and feelings at any time.
M-Bob
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
Originally Posted by Mountainmanbob
He will probably be making amends for wrong, hateful, unloving, unmoral, etc things he did or didn't do for you and your family.
One should not expect all bases to be covered with this being only the first attempt at making amends.
There should be no expectations put on you to do anything at this time. You could possibly forgive some things but, sincerity would be of most importance.
Feel free to share your thoughts and feelings at any time.
M-Bob
One should not expect all bases to be covered with this being only the first attempt at making amends.
There should be no expectations put on you to do anything at this time. You could possibly forgive some things but, sincerity would be of most importance.
Feel free to share your thoughts and feelings at any time.
M-Bob
I think that living amends work best with loved ones, but that verbal amends must be done to show they are truly working their program and the step.
Keep in mind that amends are not apologies.
You are not obligated to say anything in response to his amends... They are, after all, his amends.
Living amends:
You've mentioned direct and indirect amends. Are there other kinds?
Sometimes people talk about "living" amends. This simply means that we live differently. Amends are about a genuine change in our behavior instead of the patchwork of an apology. We take on a whole new way of life. We stop accumulating fresh insults to our selves and others.
Sometimes people talk about "living" amends. This simply means that we live differently. Amends are about a genuine change in our behavior instead of the patchwork of an apology. We take on a whole new way of life. We stop accumulating fresh insults to our selves and others.
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