Grateful for New Paths
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Grateful for New Paths
I haven't signed in since Jan 18, 2014, according to the site. I joined this forum in Feb of 2010, after quitting drinking late November of 2009. (I have pinpointed that quit date to Nov 24, 2009.) I have maintained that new path I chose for myself since that time, and if all goes well, I should be having my 7 years of sobriety this coming Nov 24.
There was not a set of keys to a new life handed to me when I quit, It took months of adjusting to myself; months of over-thinking, over-analysing, over-everything. This is often what comes with being an addict. It's like there is a fear in simply living, simply doing. I ended up having new hardships (including financial ones that almost resulted in homelessness) in spite of giving up drinking and it was like a major slap in the face when those hardships got a hold of me. But I made it out of those hardships too.
I am grateful that I have been able to open myself up to a path that may never have existed if I had not quit drinking. I may never have felt a grateful feeling or yearning in terms of memories of my parents and the good from back then; of my returning but not perfectly understood connection with G-d. I may never have had the satisfaction in feeling "strong" again or "smart" again or anything likeable again without drinking if I had not tried to live again without it.
There is a new challenge ahead for me, and I don't know how long this one will last, frankly.
I am about to learn in a few days/weeks how to name my lung disease. I put it that way because I know I have one; I just don't have the tests completed yet to demonstrate it and to show which kind it is. As someone who smoked too much for too long, there is always the possibility of cancer, but I think I am going to hear that it is COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease), which in, I would say, most people is a combination of chronic bronchitis and emphysema. There are lots of people who make it past 20 years with that disease and manage to be fairly functioning. But I am not so sure I will be one of those, and I get that impression because of how dramatically (suddenly) my symptoms have appeared.
If it turns out that I only have a year or something like that, I can tell you that this, too, is an example of why I am so grateful that I did quit drinking; so that I could be capable of looking at life and its consequences and hopes and desperations and dooms WITHOUT ALCOHOL GETTING IN THE WAY. I am glad I have spent time doing what I can do without injecting pointless drunkenness into it with some life I still had - and that I will be able to use this sobriety, this life without alcohol getting in the way, to look at how I want to spend the rest of my life too and how I want to plan for my end of life, like burial and all of that jazz.
I would say to people who are dealing with the challenge of getting out of their drinking - whether you have been struggling with this for ages or whether you are new at this and getting a little scared - look upon the possibility of quitting as a way of giving yourself a new path again. It does NOT have to feel like a "rock concert"; in fact, you will discover that post-alcohol that it can feel good to feel things that are other than wild, crazy ways of living. Look at this idea of having a path before you again that would be BLOCKED if you did not quit drinking. You will feel like you are returning to the Land of Choices again when you have quit drinking. There have not always been days when I wanted to treat my reclaimed life as a time when I can seize new opportunities, but the reality is that they were there for me, and I was closer to them than when I was drinking.
I am grateful for the new path that appeared for me, even if it comes to an end sooner than expected. And if it doesn't, oh boy, I hope I will have what it takes to be a strong person longer.
There was not a set of keys to a new life handed to me when I quit, It took months of adjusting to myself; months of over-thinking, over-analysing, over-everything. This is often what comes with being an addict. It's like there is a fear in simply living, simply doing. I ended up having new hardships (including financial ones that almost resulted in homelessness) in spite of giving up drinking and it was like a major slap in the face when those hardships got a hold of me. But I made it out of those hardships too.
I am grateful that I have been able to open myself up to a path that may never have existed if I had not quit drinking. I may never have felt a grateful feeling or yearning in terms of memories of my parents and the good from back then; of my returning but not perfectly understood connection with G-d. I may never have had the satisfaction in feeling "strong" again or "smart" again or anything likeable again without drinking if I had not tried to live again without it.
There is a new challenge ahead for me, and I don't know how long this one will last, frankly.
I am about to learn in a few days/weeks how to name my lung disease. I put it that way because I know I have one; I just don't have the tests completed yet to demonstrate it and to show which kind it is. As someone who smoked too much for too long, there is always the possibility of cancer, but I think I am going to hear that it is COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease), which in, I would say, most people is a combination of chronic bronchitis and emphysema. There are lots of people who make it past 20 years with that disease and manage to be fairly functioning. But I am not so sure I will be one of those, and I get that impression because of how dramatically (suddenly) my symptoms have appeared. If it turns out that I only have a year or something like that, I can tell you that this, too, is an example of why I am so grateful that I did quit drinking; so that I could be capable of looking at life and its consequences and hopes and desperations and dooms WITHOUT ALCOHOL GETTING IN THE WAY. I am glad I have spent time doing what I can do without injecting pointless drunkenness into it with some life I still had - and that I will be able to use this sobriety, this life without alcohol getting in the way, to look at how I want to spend the rest of my life too and how I want to plan for my end of life, like burial and all of that jazz.
I would say to people who are dealing with the challenge of getting out of their drinking - whether you have been struggling with this for ages or whether you are new at this and getting a little scared - look upon the possibility of quitting as a way of giving yourself a new path again. It does NOT have to feel like a "rock concert"; in fact, you will discover that post-alcohol that it can feel good to feel things that are other than wild, crazy ways of living. Look at this idea of having a path before you again that would be BLOCKED if you did not quit drinking. You will feel like you are returning to the Land of Choices again when you have quit drinking. There have not always been days when I wanted to treat my reclaimed life as a time when I can seize new opportunities, but the reality is that they were there for me, and I was closer to them than when I was drinking.
I am grateful for the new path that appeared for me, even if it comes to an end sooner than expected. And if it doesn't, oh boy, I hope I will have what it takes to be a strong person longer.
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