My Brother
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 8
My Brother
Good morning all,
Thank you so much for your kind words and support. I've been dealing with addictions for, what seems like, my whole life. I'm 32 years old and so you would think when I discovered my brothers vice that I would have been able to deal with it better. His addiction seems to upset me the most. I'll give a little history. My brother and I are 3 years apart with him being the youngest. We are the only children my parents had and so we were very close. My fathers alcoholism became really bad when Stephen was about 5 or 6 years old. Dad was very abusive to him. Not in a physical way, but in a verbal way. As soon as he fell in the door, after work, he'd call out looking for "the brat". He constantly belittled him and told him he was no good. I'll never forget one evening after he had a car accident from driving under the influence (nobody was hurt! Just the car). My mother was furious and had enough of the booze. To retailiate against her he started to yell at my brother. He told him with a snarl on his lips that "he wished he had just got a *******". Of course my brother knew this meant Dad was saying he didn't want him. My mother left my father, with us in tow, many times. It never stuck tho. She always took us back there But that's a different story. I always rushed to be with my brother as soon as Dad came home. I wasn't afraid of my Dad. AT ALL. 10 year old me would face him front on. I would put myself in front of Stephen or I would physically move him to another room while my mother tried to deal with the drunk. I would do whatever I could to protect my brother. And I believe that's the reason we were so close. I cannot explain my love for my brother. It's as tho he is my son. As years went on Bro began to experiment with drugs with his friends. Ecstasy, cocaine, acid.....he started to rebel. Dad wasn't a huge part of his life arctics point. He had taken a job in a different province and would only be home for a few months out of the year. My bro never went too far tho. He never stayed out for more than a night. More years passed and he moved out on his own (I was already gone by then) and he eventually bought a house. That's when everything started to spiral. He was living in his house for roughly 5 months when we(my mother and I) found out that he was having financial trouble and was afraid he was going to loose his house. Because he had been laid off from work for a couple of months and was waiting for the call to go back we decided that myself and my SO would move in and help with the mortgage and utilities until my brother could get back on his feet. It should probably be noted that I was pregnant at the time and excited to be welcoming a new baby. We moved into his house in December. Within a month I knew I had made a terrible mistake. I only heard about crack until moving in there. I have never been in its presence before that point. And still to this day I have never actually saw it. Just smelt it. Such a distinctive smell!! I couldn't believe he would just smoke it, locked away in his room, thinking nobody knew! I was shocked! I used to sneak into his room when he'd go to work and search for clues to find out what he was up to. All the clues were there. The baking soda, the cut up Pepsi cans with residue left on them, spoons. It took me no time to figure out what he was up to, especially since my cousin had just recently come clean about his addiction to crack. Of course I confronted him. Of course he promised not to do it again. This was a cycle I'm sure I don't have to go into details about. It was just always the same lies and excuses. But I stuck there with him. I want to believe he will overcome this. I want to believe I will not loose him! He went to his union about his issues in hopes of finding support in the form of counselling. He was offered many avenues, expenses paid. They offered rehab centres, group sessions, literature, you name it. He went to a one on one session with a councillor twice. He went to his doctor and was prescribed medication to help combat anxiety and depression. He stuck with it for a week. That was it. He didn't have an addiction, he said. He just had mental issues and he didn't want to take pills to deal with it. He wanted to do it on his own. Of course he failed. He's still failing. I love him so much my heart is breaking. He eventually lost the house. In his defence tho, he has been out of work for quite some time. He's only worked 4 out of the 9 months that we lived there. But I know his drug use had a drastic affect on his finances. It affected mine too! Because myself and my SO we're paying for all the groceries, cable and Internet as well as half of the mortgage and half of the light and power. Bro also had his car repossessed so he was driving mine. I had my son in February and so there were extra expenses on top of the regular ones. It was starting to get tight. I was almost relieved to hear that the bank was taking the house. I was under so much stress that I was losing my hair. I wasn't relieved for too long tho because then I was faced with the decision to take Stephen with us or not. He had nowhere else to go. He talked about going to a shelter. My heart broke. He talked about moving in with a friend. Again, my heart broke. I can't sleep at night with the thought that he was living with another addict because I wouldn't take him with me. He had been clean for a month and so after much discussion with my SO, we decided he could come with us under certain terms. He would pay half of the rent and all the utilities and he'd have to stay clean. And if he did slip up, absolutely not in the house. It was also stipulated that he only use my car for work or appointments or to pick up his daughter for visits (he has one child. She's two and I am very much a part of her life. I love her to death). We have been living here exactly one week as of yesterday. Yesterday morning I woke up to find my car was missing. I texted him immediately. He usually texts back some lie about someone who needed a ride or some other bs story. But this time he didn't. I called multiple times as I usually do. It was supposed to go straight to voicemail as he usually just presses the ignore button but this time it rang through. I called 11 times between 7am and 2pm with it ringing through but nobody answering. My stomach was turning. I was sweating. This was not normal. I knew he was out on crack but it was still not typical of him to not reply at all. we lost my cousin one week after my son was born. His body was found on s walking trail. He had a car accident and broke with femur. He was so out of it on drugs that he got out of the car and starting walking up a walking trail where he eventually gave in to his injuries and died. Alone. His body was found by hikers two days after he died and he was my exact age. We grew up together. Yesterday morning all of those same emotions I experienced the day we found out about our cousin came flooding back. I was panicking and thinking the worst had happened to my brother as well. I discovered my bank card was missing when myself and my mother decided to go get coffee in order to continue with our hunt for my brother. Of course when I realized it was gone I knew exactly where it was. This was not the first time he has stolen from me. I was kind of relieved to check my account and see he was still withdrawing money and so he was still alive. Then the anger came. I immediately reported my card stolen. After another couple of hours of recruiting some of his friends and other family members and coming up with nothing I decided to call the police. I sent one last text to my brother pleading with him to text me back and this time he did. He said "I can never face you again". Again, my heart dropped. My stomach done flip flops. What does that mean????? I pleaded with him again. Reassuring him that he can come back from this. That money is money but he is my brother. That I loved him and so desperately wanted him to come home. He relented and told myself and my mother where he was and to come get him. My car had run out of gas and was left on the side of a dirt road. Further down the dirt road, off into a wooded area is where we found him. In his dress shirt from the night before with black dirty hands and scuffs on his knees. He was weeping into his hands. I never saw a more depressing, sorrowful sight in all my life. He couldn't come back to our home yet because my SO was still mad as hell (completely and totally understandable!) so we brought him to my parents place. He's still there right now. I never slept a wink last night. I'm so torn. I want him to come home. I want my brother back. I miss who he used to be and I'm filled with so anxiety and guilt for him. I know he is struggling and he doesn't want to be this way. I feel so badly I cannot stop crying. I know what everybody is thinking too. That I'm an enabler. You're 100% right. I don't know how to help him. I don't know how to support him. I am not strong enough to deal with this. I'm so lost. Why can't I let go? I feel like for the sake of my relationship and for the sake of my son I need to let him go but i just can't turn my back on him. I'm so consumed with guilt for wanting to move on with my life. I hate feeling this way. I'm so sorry for such a lengthy post. I'm feeling so emotional and conflicted this morning. And even though my SO is my biggest supporter, I feel like I can't talk to him yet. He needs time to sort out his own feelings and thoughts about what happened yesterday and I really felt like I couldn't wait to get my feelings out there. I hope I find my way out of this darkness soon. It's becoming too much.
Thank you so much for your kind words and support. I've been dealing with addictions for, what seems like, my whole life. I'm 32 years old and so you would think when I discovered my brothers vice that I would have been able to deal with it better. His addiction seems to upset me the most. I'll give a little history. My brother and I are 3 years apart with him being the youngest. We are the only children my parents had and so we were very close. My fathers alcoholism became really bad when Stephen was about 5 or 6 years old. Dad was very abusive to him. Not in a physical way, but in a verbal way. As soon as he fell in the door, after work, he'd call out looking for "the brat". He constantly belittled him and told him he was no good. I'll never forget one evening after he had a car accident from driving under the influence (nobody was hurt! Just the car). My mother was furious and had enough of the booze. To retailiate against her he started to yell at my brother. He told him with a snarl on his lips that "he wished he had just got a *******". Of course my brother knew this meant Dad was saying he didn't want him. My mother left my father, with us in tow, many times. It never stuck tho. She always took us back there But that's a different story. I always rushed to be with my brother as soon as Dad came home. I wasn't afraid of my Dad. AT ALL. 10 year old me would face him front on. I would put myself in front of Stephen or I would physically move him to another room while my mother tried to deal with the drunk. I would do whatever I could to protect my brother. And I believe that's the reason we were so close. I cannot explain my love for my brother. It's as tho he is my son. As years went on Bro began to experiment with drugs with his friends. Ecstasy, cocaine, acid.....he started to rebel. Dad wasn't a huge part of his life arctics point. He had taken a job in a different province and would only be home for a few months out of the year. My bro never went too far tho. He never stayed out for more than a night. More years passed and he moved out on his own (I was already gone by then) and he eventually bought a house. That's when everything started to spiral. He was living in his house for roughly 5 months when we(my mother and I) found out that he was having financial trouble and was afraid he was going to loose his house. Because he had been laid off from work for a couple of months and was waiting for the call to go back we decided that myself and my SO would move in and help with the mortgage and utilities until my brother could get back on his feet. It should probably be noted that I was pregnant at the time and excited to be welcoming a new baby. We moved into his house in December. Within a month I knew I had made a terrible mistake. I only heard about crack until moving in there. I have never been in its presence before that point. And still to this day I have never actually saw it. Just smelt it. Such a distinctive smell!! I couldn't believe he would just smoke it, locked away in his room, thinking nobody knew! I was shocked! I used to sneak into his room when he'd go to work and search for clues to find out what he was up to. All the clues were there. The baking soda, the cut up Pepsi cans with residue left on them, spoons. It took me no time to figure out what he was up to, especially since my cousin had just recently come clean about his addiction to crack. Of course I confronted him. Of course he promised not to do it again. This was a cycle I'm sure I don't have to go into details about. It was just always the same lies and excuses. But I stuck there with him. I want to believe he will overcome this. I want to believe I will not loose him! He went to his union about his issues in hopes of finding support in the form of counselling. He was offered many avenues, expenses paid. They offered rehab centres, group sessions, literature, you name it. He went to a one on one session with a councillor twice. He went to his doctor and was prescribed medication to help combat anxiety and depression. He stuck with it for a week. That was it. He didn't have an addiction, he said. He just had mental issues and he didn't want to take pills to deal with it. He wanted to do it on his own. Of course he failed. He's still failing. I love him so much my heart is breaking. He eventually lost the house. In his defence tho, he has been out of work for quite some time. He's only worked 4 out of the 9 months that we lived there. But I know his drug use had a drastic affect on his finances. It affected mine too! Because myself and my SO we're paying for all the groceries, cable and Internet as well as half of the mortgage and half of the light and power. Bro also had his car repossessed so he was driving mine. I had my son in February and so there were extra expenses on top of the regular ones. It was starting to get tight. I was almost relieved to hear that the bank was taking the house. I was under so much stress that I was losing my hair. I wasn't relieved for too long tho because then I was faced with the decision to take Stephen with us or not. He had nowhere else to go. He talked about going to a shelter. My heart broke. He talked about moving in with a friend. Again, my heart broke. I can't sleep at night with the thought that he was living with another addict because I wouldn't take him with me. He had been clean for a month and so after much discussion with my SO, we decided he could come with us under certain terms. He would pay half of the rent and all the utilities and he'd have to stay clean. And if he did slip up, absolutely not in the house. It was also stipulated that he only use my car for work or appointments or to pick up his daughter for visits (he has one child. She's two and I am very much a part of her life. I love her to death). We have been living here exactly one week as of yesterday. Yesterday morning I woke up to find my car was missing. I texted him immediately. He usually texts back some lie about someone who needed a ride or some other bs story. But this time he didn't. I called multiple times as I usually do. It was supposed to go straight to voicemail as he usually just presses the ignore button but this time it rang through. I called 11 times between 7am and 2pm with it ringing through but nobody answering. My stomach was turning. I was sweating. This was not normal. I knew he was out on crack but it was still not typical of him to not reply at all. we lost my cousin one week after my son was born. His body was found on s walking trail. He had a car accident and broke with femur. He was so out of it on drugs that he got out of the car and starting walking up a walking trail where he eventually gave in to his injuries and died. Alone. His body was found by hikers two days after he died and he was my exact age. We grew up together. Yesterday morning all of those same emotions I experienced the day we found out about our cousin came flooding back. I was panicking and thinking the worst had happened to my brother as well. I discovered my bank card was missing when myself and my mother decided to go get coffee in order to continue with our hunt for my brother. Of course when I realized it was gone I knew exactly where it was. This was not the first time he has stolen from me. I was kind of relieved to check my account and see he was still withdrawing money and so he was still alive. Then the anger came. I immediately reported my card stolen. After another couple of hours of recruiting some of his friends and other family members and coming up with nothing I decided to call the police. I sent one last text to my brother pleading with him to text me back and this time he did. He said "I can never face you again". Again, my heart dropped. My stomach done flip flops. What does that mean????? I pleaded with him again. Reassuring him that he can come back from this. That money is money but he is my brother. That I loved him and so desperately wanted him to come home. He relented and told myself and my mother where he was and to come get him. My car had run out of gas and was left on the side of a dirt road. Further down the dirt road, off into a wooded area is where we found him. In his dress shirt from the night before with black dirty hands and scuffs on his knees. He was weeping into his hands. I never saw a more depressing, sorrowful sight in all my life. He couldn't come back to our home yet because my SO was still mad as hell (completely and totally understandable!) so we brought him to my parents place. He's still there right now. I never slept a wink last night. I'm so torn. I want him to come home. I want my brother back. I miss who he used to be and I'm filled with so anxiety and guilt for him. I know he is struggling and he doesn't want to be this way. I feel so badly I cannot stop crying. I know what everybody is thinking too. That I'm an enabler. You're 100% right. I don't know how to help him. I don't know how to support him. I am not strong enough to deal with this. I'm so lost. Why can't I let go? I feel like for the sake of my relationship and for the sake of my son I need to let him go but i just can't turn my back on him. I'm so consumed with guilt for wanting to move on with my life. I hate feeling this way. I'm so sorry for such a lengthy post. I'm feeling so emotional and conflicted this morning. And even though my SO is my biggest supporter, I feel like I can't talk to him yet. He needs time to sort out his own feelings and thoughts about what happened yesterday and I really felt like I couldn't wait to get my feelings out there. I hope I find my way out of this darkness soon. It's becoming too much.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
this is very painful time for you, when it should be filled with such joy. i''m sorry for the loss of your cousin and i understand wanting to prevent that with your brother.
however, your two latest RESCUE attempts have not ended well.
altho he is your brother, there are still rules and boundaries to be upheld. he STOLE from you. and by the sounds of it, not a little bit either. he stole money and your car. in truth, he should be prosecuted.
what you have been trying to do is help him side step the consequences of his choices. starting with his home and mortgage and onward. but those things are not HIS priority......getting high is.
if we could love our addicts well, NONE of us would be here. but we have come to the conclusion that addiction is bigger than we are, far more powerful, and not OURS to fight.
you could certainly look up local Narcotics Anonymous meetings, and perhaps even some treatment facilities, but once you give him that information the rest is up to HIM. he hasn't been allowed to fully feel the effects of his using nor to truly take up the charge to get well.
you have a very young child now. who is currently living in an addiction environment. if you want the cycle to stop, you must protect her at all costs. you are NOT turning your back on your brother, you are allowing him the dignity of figuring this out for himself. he's an adult now, not some little boy you need to stand up to the bully for. your baby needs your fierceness and love first.
however, your two latest RESCUE attempts have not ended well.
altho he is your brother, there are still rules and boundaries to be upheld. he STOLE from you. and by the sounds of it, not a little bit either. he stole money and your car. in truth, he should be prosecuted.
what you have been trying to do is help him side step the consequences of his choices. starting with his home and mortgage and onward. but those things are not HIS priority......getting high is.
if we could love our addicts well, NONE of us would be here. but we have come to the conclusion that addiction is bigger than we are, far more powerful, and not OURS to fight.
you could certainly look up local Narcotics Anonymous meetings, and perhaps even some treatment facilities, but once you give him that information the rest is up to HIM. he hasn't been allowed to fully feel the effects of his using nor to truly take up the charge to get well.
you have a very young child now. who is currently living in an addiction environment. if you want the cycle to stop, you must protect her at all costs. you are NOT turning your back on your brother, you are allowing him the dignity of figuring this out for himself. he's an adult now, not some little boy you need to stand up to the bully for. your baby needs your fierceness and love first.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 8
Thank you so much for your reply. I've been feeling desperate all day and have been continually checking my post for replies, hoping somebody would hear my cries. I know I am enabling him and I know that's the worst thing you can do but I don't know how to do anything else? For example, if he has nowhere to live do I let him live on the streets? If he's asking to stay with me? Or do I say "yes, but only under these conditions". Or when he has his daughter sometimes he'll say he don't have any money and I know I haven't got groceries yet so there's nothing there for her to eat. He'll ask me if I have a few dollars to get her a snack. In that exact moment, what do I do? Or if he asks me for gas money so he can go get his daughter. I'm so weak. I'm so broken from all those years with my alcoholic father that I just don't know how to continue to move forward with this battle I'm having within myself. What I know needs to be done and actually doing it. My god. This is so hard. I thank god for my son every day because without him, I don't know where my state of mind would be.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it takes time to change. the first step is recognizing that YOU have a problem. and knowing that you need to start doing some things different. ALANON is an excellent resource and support group - to help YOU, not him.
and also to begin to accept that you are not responsible for your brother. you are not his oxygen tank, NOR the only resource he has at his avail. not allowing him to live with you does not mean that he is automatically on the streets. however, that is a possibility.
remember, he HAD his own home. i presume he has or had a job? he has a daughter that he tries to have time with. if he no longer HAS a place for her, the mother (i would hope) would not allow him to take her. that might be some incentive for him to change.
please know that any $$ you give him is likely to go to dope. and he will have a million really good sounding reasons why he needs just 10 bucks.
he isnt helpless. he has just yet to help himself. believe in your brother, that he IS capable and he CAN make better choices.
now i'll tell you as a former crackhead that is one mean hombre. sheesh that stuff just did not let go, for a long time. but the more i wanted to quit, wanted to be free of the trap, the easier it got to reach for a crack-free life. it wasn't easy, but it is doable. and NO ONE swooped in to my rescue. i am an adult orphan with no siblings, i didn't have a fall back plan, no one who would "help" me. i had to find support and make the effort.
8.5 years crack free now.
and also to begin to accept that you are not responsible for your brother. you are not his oxygen tank, NOR the only resource he has at his avail. not allowing him to live with you does not mean that he is automatically on the streets. however, that is a possibility.
remember, he HAD his own home. i presume he has or had a job? he has a daughter that he tries to have time with. if he no longer HAS a place for her, the mother (i would hope) would not allow him to take her. that might be some incentive for him to change.
please know that any $$ you give him is likely to go to dope. and he will have a million really good sounding reasons why he needs just 10 bucks.
he isnt helpless. he has just yet to help himself. believe in your brother, that he IS capable and he CAN make better choices.
now i'll tell you as a former crackhead that is one mean hombre. sheesh that stuff just did not let go, for a long time. but the more i wanted to quit, wanted to be free of the trap, the easier it got to reach for a crack-free life. it wasn't easy, but it is doable. and NO ONE swooped in to my rescue. i am an adult orphan with no siblings, i didn't have a fall back plan, no one who would "help" me. i had to find support and make the effort.
8.5 years crack free now.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
MissMuss. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I second everything that Anvilhead has said. I would also say that if you want to help him, I would focus on his daughter to make sure that SHE has a stable home. Your efforts would go much longer and be much more effective. My sister has been troubled for many years; I focus much of my attention now to my nieces. I know if my sister was actually fully present, she would want that too. And if your brother was sober and drug-free, he wouldn't be expecting you to sacrifice your family or your marriage for his sake.
You can go out into the ocean and risk your own safety to hand your brother a lifeline, but if all he does is drop it then all you do is risk your own well-being. He needs to actually grasp that lifeline in order to reach safety. You cannot do the grasping for him.
Perhaps you could start with this. If he asks for money to feed his daughter, buy her food, but do not give him money. If he asks for gas money, offer to pick her up yourself. You cannot give him money. You just can't because for all you know all he'll do is use your money to buy more drugs.
You say that you are weak. But you are dealing with so much crap and I suspect that people in your family look to you as a source of strength. Do not underestimate yourself. Even if you walk around and feel shattered inside you can still act strong.
I don't know what the rest of your family is like, but do not be surprised if you get pushback once you lay down some boundaries (My family, in general, tends to ignore boundaries so I unfortunately have some experience with this). However, if you know that your actions spring from the best of intentions (ex: I need to protect my niece. I need to give my brother the opportunity to build his self-respect.) it makes it much easier to stay steadfast.
You can go out into the ocean and risk your own safety to hand your brother a lifeline, but if all he does is drop it then all you do is risk your own well-being. He needs to actually grasp that lifeline in order to reach safety. You cannot do the grasping for him.
Perhaps you could start with this. If he asks for money to feed his daughter, buy her food, but do not give him money. If he asks for gas money, offer to pick her up yourself. You cannot give him money. You just can't because for all you know all he'll do is use your money to buy more drugs.
You say that you are weak. But you are dealing with so much crap and I suspect that people in your family look to you as a source of strength. Do not underestimate yourself. Even if you walk around and feel shattered inside you can still act strong.
I don't know what the rest of your family is like, but do not be surprised if you get pushback once you lay down some boundaries (My family, in general, tends to ignore boundaries so I unfortunately have some experience with this). However, if you know that your actions spring from the best of intentions (ex: I need to protect my niece. I need to give my brother the opportunity to build his self-respect.) it makes it much easier to stay steadfast.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome, Miss. My son has been addicted to drugs for over 20 years now, in and out of the revolving door of active addiction/recovery/relapse and for over 10 years has been missing, lost in his addiction somewhere. I get through my days by asking God to take care of him and then living in faith that He will.
For many many years, we tried to save him. We let him come home many times thinking a safe loving home with good food and care would help him to want a clean life. My husband gave him a good job in his business and he had every opportunity for a good life, a good home with good people who love him. He chose drugs...addiction is that powerful that it steals the souls of those we love and turns them into strangers.
My sweet, loving, funny, kind son turned into an angry, delusional, lying thief who stole right from under our noses. He stole from our bank account by taking a check from the middle of our check book, he stole a hardly used credit card and charged up a fortune for things he could sell for dope. He turned our peaceful home into a war zone, and I almost died myself trying to save him. I bailed him from jail, organized (free) rehabs at least 10 times, I drove him to meetings (and he slipped out the back door to get drugs) and my bottom was when I threatened to kick down a crackhouse door to get him to come out. He did come out and when I left he went back.
My point is that nothing we do or don't do, nothing we say or don't say, will make them get clean. It's not that they don't love us...it's that they don't "see" us anymore and the drugs have more control over them than we could ever imagine.
Allowing your brother to live with your family is a dangerous and financially risky thing to do. In active addiction he WILL steal from you, precious things and cash alike. He will probably hide drugs in your home which makes you legally responsible too.
Please read this next part carefully...we have had members here who lost their homes and lost their children and went to jail themselves because they "knew" that their spouse/son/brother/friend living there was keeping and selling drugs. Simply answering the phone call from a stranger and passing it on to your brother can bring you serious trouble if that stranger is a dealer. Laws vary by state but that's how serious this business is.
Your brother knows you love him. He will try everything to try to manipulate you to enable him with money or drives or a place to live...yet discount the people who can really help, NA, AA, detoxes, rehabs (the Salvation Army program is very good and free)...saying he can do it alone, or that he doesn't need help.
Please take a good read around here and see where this all is headed, it's a dark place you are in and you need to get yourself and your family safe and let your brother face the consequences of his actions.
My heart breaks for you, I know how hard this is and how hard it is going to get, and my prayers go out for all of you.
Please stop the madness before it destroys everyone in its path. You are not betraying your brother, you are saying "no" to addiction and giving him the chance to do the same...or choose not to. Good options are there when he is ready.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
For many many years, we tried to save him. We let him come home many times thinking a safe loving home with good food and care would help him to want a clean life. My husband gave him a good job in his business and he had every opportunity for a good life, a good home with good people who love him. He chose drugs...addiction is that powerful that it steals the souls of those we love and turns them into strangers.
My sweet, loving, funny, kind son turned into an angry, delusional, lying thief who stole right from under our noses. He stole from our bank account by taking a check from the middle of our check book, he stole a hardly used credit card and charged up a fortune for things he could sell for dope. He turned our peaceful home into a war zone, and I almost died myself trying to save him. I bailed him from jail, organized (free) rehabs at least 10 times, I drove him to meetings (and he slipped out the back door to get drugs) and my bottom was when I threatened to kick down a crackhouse door to get him to come out. He did come out and when I left he went back.
My point is that nothing we do or don't do, nothing we say or don't say, will make them get clean. It's not that they don't love us...it's that they don't "see" us anymore and the drugs have more control over them than we could ever imagine.
Allowing your brother to live with your family is a dangerous and financially risky thing to do. In active addiction he WILL steal from you, precious things and cash alike. He will probably hide drugs in your home which makes you legally responsible too.
Please read this next part carefully...we have had members here who lost their homes and lost their children and went to jail themselves because they "knew" that their spouse/son/brother/friend living there was keeping and selling drugs. Simply answering the phone call from a stranger and passing it on to your brother can bring you serious trouble if that stranger is a dealer. Laws vary by state but that's how serious this business is.
Your brother knows you love him. He will try everything to try to manipulate you to enable him with money or drives or a place to live...yet discount the people who can really help, NA, AA, detoxes, rehabs (the Salvation Army program is very good and free)...saying he can do it alone, or that he doesn't need help.
Please take a good read around here and see where this all is headed, it's a dark place you are in and you need to get yourself and your family safe and let your brother face the consequences of his actions.
My heart breaks for you, I know how hard this is and how hard it is going to get, and my prayers go out for all of you.
Please stop the madness before it destroys everyone in its path. You are not betraying your brother, you are saying "no" to addiction and giving him the chance to do the same...or choose not to. Good options are there when he is ready.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
One thing that helps me a lot is this phrase...
"When you do X, you are telling me Y."
For example,
"When you buy drugs, you are telling me that you have enough money for food."
"When you do crack, you are telling me that you have enough time to find a job."
OR
"When you do drugs, you are telling me that my family's safety isn't important to you."
"When you do drugs, you are telling me that you no longer want to stay with us."
"When you stole our car, you are telling us that we can no longer trust you."
You need to lay down that boundary - there will be no drugs in the house. You can only live with people that you trust. These boundaries are not for him, but for YOU. You need to keep your family safe. That's the way it's SUPPOSED to be, and if anybody expects you do otherwise, quite frankly, THEY could take him in and deal with it.
He will be mad. He will push. He will try to get other people to do the pushing for him. Your role as mother to your child is to say no. As much as you might be afraid to say that word, that's exactly what you need to do. Do you really want your baby to be living with a drug addict who could literally burn your house down?
If your parents beg and plead with you to take him in, you are no longer beholden to them. Lord knows I have had to say no to my own parents many many times. In the beginning it's hard, but it does get easier, especially when time shows that you've made the right decision. My own dad for years told me that I should become friends with the woman who physically abused me in order to truly forgive her. Twenty years later, I think he's finally realized that the decision that I made, as cold-hearted as it appeared on the surface, was the right one for me.
"When you do X, you are telling me Y."
For example,
"When you buy drugs, you are telling me that you have enough money for food."
"When you do crack, you are telling me that you have enough time to find a job."
OR
"When you do drugs, you are telling me that my family's safety isn't important to you."
"When you do drugs, you are telling me that you no longer want to stay with us."
"When you stole our car, you are telling us that we can no longer trust you."
You need to lay down that boundary - there will be no drugs in the house. You can only live with people that you trust. These boundaries are not for him, but for YOU. You need to keep your family safe. That's the way it's SUPPOSED to be, and if anybody expects you do otherwise, quite frankly, THEY could take him in and deal with it.
He will be mad. He will push. He will try to get other people to do the pushing for him. Your role as mother to your child is to say no. As much as you might be afraid to say that word, that's exactly what you need to do. Do you really want your baby to be living with a drug addict who could literally burn your house down?
If your parents beg and plead with you to take him in, you are no longer beholden to them. Lord knows I have had to say no to my own parents many many times. In the beginning it's hard, but it does get easier, especially when time shows that you've made the right decision. My own dad for years told me that I should become friends with the woman who physically abused me in order to truly forgive her. Twenty years later, I think he's finally realized that the decision that I made, as cold-hearted as it appeared on the surface, was the right one for me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
MissMuss I am sorry to hear what has been going on with your brother. It sounds like you have done everything you could to try and help him. The problem is eventually we are not helping them get better but helping them continue on with the drugs because we enable them. We feel bad, we want to help, we hate seeing them struggle....but that is exactly what they need to do. By helping him, you are actually prolonging the chance for him to get help. As long as the addict has a place to sleep, food in their belly and can get their drug, they are happy and Ann is right, they will do anything to get their drug as you have witnessed. You have to do what s the best for you and your family and your brother needs to learn to be self sufficient and take care of himself. he is no longer a child. I understand your feelings of caring and wanting to help, I really do. I had to make these same decisions regarding my son. When he had nowhere to go, no money and no job was when he finally made the decision to get help. That was when we stopped "helping" him.
Hugs to you.
Hugs to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 8
Thank you so much, everybody, for the support. I'm ashamed to admit that I had to take a few days away, after reading the replies. I was so overwhelmed with emotion and anxiety. I knew what needed to be done and how awful my brother has treated me and my family. I was angry!! I don't deserve this life. Not again, after everything with Dad. It's all I could think about. When is he doing it? How is he doing it? Where is he doing it?....I have ALL those answers! I don't know why I couldn't completely put my foot down and say "pack your stuff and get out". I started to have little pangs of "what if....". He says that he is depressed. He is worthless and feels like he is nothing. I've asked him multiple times if he's suicidal. I even went about it in a not-so-obvious way so he wouldn't close up on me (he's VERY difficult to talk to when it comes to his feelings and emotions. He's always been this way. When I see a window of opportunity to get some insight into his mind, I tread with caution). He has never admitted to me that he had ever thought about hurting himself. He always says "no way". Although my parents and my aunt are concerned that he could do something to himself. So, I had that on my mind. He spent a few days at my parents house after the whole stolen car/money incident. He was full of guilt and he wouldn't come home because he couldn't face us. I had told him that we needed a few days to think things out before he came back home anyway and that he should stay at our parents. After a day or so we'd text back and forth. He was complaining because mom was on his back about getting help. He complained because He wanted to visit his daughter but he didn't want to face her mother so he wanted Mom to go get her and bring her to him. She said no. (go mom!!). Then he complained because he hated it there and didn't want to be there with Dad (who was sober. He has good and bad times....totally different story). Reading all these texts and all I wanted to do was shout into the phone "GROW UP!!!!! Man up and do something about your issues instead of blaming everybody else for your downfalls!" But, of course I didn't. Because I'm an idiot. I just texted back that "mom is just worried" and "take this time to reflect on what's happening in your life and make changes". He told me he was going to make an appointment with the doctor to talk about his mental health. Then the texts were just my brothers regular, goofy texts. Memes and jokes and links to different pictures or stories. After another day passed I was starting to miss him. I told him he could come home as long as he was going to get clean and show a real effort. He said no, maybe tomorrow. He wasn't ready to come back yet. I knew it was because he couldn't face my SO. He was so full of guilt that he couldn't come home. I started thinking about what must be going through his head. I drove myself crazy and somehow went from angry to feeling really bad for him. Maybe if he just comes home I can sit with him and get to the bottom of this (like an idiot!!). So, after some pushing from myself and my mother, he came back home. The first day was hard because he avoided my SO altogether. Only coming out of the room when my SO left for work. He was low. Carried his head down. Wouldn't make eye contact and didn't talk much. My mother had been texting with him and told me that he said he didn't feel like he deserved to leave his room. I felt worse!! Imagine! I felt bad for him because he stole my car and my money, and I'm the one going out of my way to make things better??? I'm an idiot! So I tiptoed around. Making sure he was comfortable. Trying to put him at ease. The next day was a little better. He was still down and out but he had moved from the bedroom to the recroom and he was eating now. The day after that we took the children to the farm. We had a great day. His daughter slept over for two nights and everything was normal again. He let her play in the bath tub and had fun with her and it was nice. The following day, after we dropped her back home with her mother, he changed. I noticed him biting his nails. Carrying his head down. Not talking much. My mother and grandmother were visiting and he just left the room without saying a word. After a few minutes my mother found him lying on his bed with the lights off. He said he was depressed. I let myself feel bad for him. After they left he came out of his room because he was hungry. After supper he went downstairs to the recroom to watch a movie. 10 mins later he was in the bathroom. Then downstairs again. Then up to the living room. Then in his bedroom. Something was up! I could feel it in my gut. I asked him how he was feeling. He said he was depressed. Around 8pm he was watching tv with me for a few minutes when I started yawning. He commented that I must be tired after being on the go with the two kids and maybe I should go to bed. I said I was tired but then I thought and said "well you must be tired too". He said he was but he's on his second wind now. I decided to stay up and I said I would stay up and watch a movie. He went back downstairs. A few minutes later he came up again and said he was going to take a drive to clear his head. I said "no. I don't think it's a good idea". He asked why and I told him it was only a week ago you stole my money and my car and wou let return any of my calls. If you take my car now I'll never get any sleep until you come back and even then I'll be lying awake wondering what you were up to". He said "ya, but I was an idiot then. I ****** up." I stuck to my guns and he backed down. He said "it's too rainy out for a drive anyway" and he went back downstairs. A half hour later he came back up and I knew he was high. He wouldn't make eye contact and when he did it was in his eyes. The way he talked was different too. He said our Aunt was coming to get him. I asked him what was up. I asked him point blank if he had been smoking crack and he said no. He insisted and promised that he didn't do any drugs at all. I waited for my aunt to pick him up and as soon as the door was closed, I started my search. I found the empty baggie, the crusted spoon, the empty beer can (a beer that he bought when we were out earlier that day. He said after we dropped his daughter off he was going to relax and play some video games). I also found soppy wet paper towel rolled up into balls and I have no idea what's up with that!!! I found old dried out ones too. So I called and called without answer. I called my aunt to tell her what was going on and I called my mother to let her know too. He wouldn't answer my calls so I started texting him. I called him a liar and that I found his crap in the recroom, right under where Roman plays. He said he called our aunt to come get him so he wouldn't do it. I wrote back and said that was also a lie because it was all gone. The ashes were on the can and the candle he used to cover the smell was still warm. He tried to beat around the bush and said "ya, but that's why I called D. So I wouldn't do it". Again, I pointed out that it had already been done! Finally he admitted I was right, but he had called D to come get him so he wouldn't do more. I couldn't control my anger so I texted furiously how heartbroken I was. How I was done with this s**t and I'm not allowing this to take over my life anymore. He kept texting saying "I thought I made a good choice. That's why I called D to come get me. To get me away from it and keep me from doing more". I couldn't text back because I'm so tired of the manipulation. I can see it now. The trust is broken. He is still at my aunts right now and I already told my parents and him that the only way he'll be living in this house is when he finishes rehab and continues to prove he's trying to get make a better life for himself. I am going to give 100% to standing my ground this time. I know it will be hard. I'm still thriving on anger right now so I hope I don't crumble over the next few days. to top it all off, my aunt texted last night to say that my brother admitted to her that he'd rather be dead. That he has suicdal thoughts but he's afraid to go through with it because of his daughter. So here I am today. Still trying to digest all this. Still trying to stay strong and hold my ground. My first group meeting is on Sunday. hopefully that will help me stay strong.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Muss, you can't reason with insanity and when a person is on a run using drugs, that's about as insane as a person can get.
Nothing you say or don't day, nothing you do or don't do will change the outcome of his addiction, only he can change that and he is no where near ready. If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here.
WE aren't the answer to their problem. We can't out think them, outsmart them, out anticipate their actions. As logical as it all sounds in our minds, all they hear is that they need to find new methods of manipulation and new people to manipulate...notice how he went from you to his aunt so quickly when his plan to take your car was stifled.
With love in my heart I am saying that I know you will stay on the merry go round until you can't take it anymore and hit your "enough" point. It's not much different than his addiction, our compulsion to stop the insanity. I know this because I have been you, I tried all those things with my son and learned that addiction was much bigger and more powerful than anything I could do.
I hope you do go to a meeting, or several. For us to find our balance again, we need help and meetings helped me face the horrible truth that I was powerless over my son's addiction and then learn how to live my life in a healthy way...even if my son chose the path of self-destruction.
It's very hard to make sense of all this early in the game, but I promise you that the sooner you let go completely, the better your life will become.
Hugs
Nothing you say or don't day, nothing you do or don't do will change the outcome of his addiction, only he can change that and he is no where near ready. If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here.
WE aren't the answer to their problem. We can't out think them, outsmart them, out anticipate their actions. As logical as it all sounds in our minds, all they hear is that they need to find new methods of manipulation and new people to manipulate...notice how he went from you to his aunt so quickly when his plan to take your car was stifled.
With love in my heart I am saying that I know you will stay on the merry go round until you can't take it anymore and hit your "enough" point. It's not much different than his addiction, our compulsion to stop the insanity. I know this because I have been you, I tried all those things with my son and learned that addiction was much bigger and more powerful than anything I could do.
I hope you do go to a meeting, or several. For us to find our balance again, we need help and meetings helped me face the horrible truth that I was powerless over my son's addiction and then learn how to live my life in a healthy way...even if my son chose the path of self-destruction.
It's very hard to make sense of all this early in the game, but I promise you that the sooner you let go completely, the better your life will become.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 8
I know there's nothing I can do to save him. I've accepted that. I've decided to focus all my attention on myself and my family. I told him he wasn't welcome to live here anymore and I stuck with it when he came here an hour ago, crying to be forgiven. I was proud of myself. I felt motivated. But after reading your comment of how "you know I will continue on this merry go round", really took the wind out of my sails. I'm sure you have the best of intentions and I appreciate any advise I can get on how to stay strong. But, that comment really upset me because I have enough people in my life laughing in my face and saying "you won't do that. I know you're going to cave.". I need people to empower me. To help me stay as strong as I am now. I am so sorry, I do not mean to be rude or unappreciative. Maybe my reaction to your comment is a part of my problem. I just felt I had to say how I'm feeling after reading it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
MissMuss, this might sound totally off topic but here goes nothing.
I'm training for the NYC Marathon (which I have been trying to do since 2010 - which is another super long story...) and yesterday I had a day off so I tried to do my 18 mile long run. Seven miles in and my knee gave out. So I had to call my husband to pick me up.
He's a teacher, so he normally doesn't have to commute during rush hour, but I chose to do my long run in the afternoon. So he had to go through traffic to pick me up. He suggested that I should schedule my long runs so just in case my knee gave out again he wouldn't have to drive through rush hour.
I had the S#!^fit right in the car. He apologized but I was so angry at him , SEETHING at him. How dare he suggest that I would get injured again? That I wouldn't be able to do it?
Later on, when calmer minds prevailed, I realized that he had made a legitimate suggestion. But because I was so freaked out that I WAS going to get injured and have another long run aborted, I couldn't recognize the legitimacy of his request, which unfortunately confirmed what I'm afraid of (and still afraid of).
Ann has been here for a very long time on SR (just look at the number of posts - almost 45K!). This woman knows what she's talking about because she has walked the walk that you and I are just beginning to tread. I've just been here for almost a year. But I can say, with some certainty, that in general, it takes people a LONG LONG time to get to the point where you are. What happens a lot is that somebody will post once, he or she gets feedback, and then he or she drops off the face of the earth. Sometimes months or even years later that person will come back, and often that person is STILL stuck.
You have come so far so fast and you should be _absolutely_ proud of yourself. When Ann said what she said, she had no idea that you were already getting to that point. But, in a way, you're still in the beginning stages of this all, and comments like "you're going to cave" will still smart which leads to...
Yes and no. It sure as hell helps to have people support you along the way, but you also need to prepare yourself for the possibility that you will feel very much alone for much of this journey. And that there will be many people, including the people closest to you, who will make you second guess yourself.
You need to believe in your heart that what you're doing is right. And you need to build that conviction for yourself. Because if that conviction isn't there, it doesn't matter if one hundred thousand people (including the folks at SR) tell you that you are doing an awesome job, one person can be enough to tear down the hard work that you've been doing.
What you're doing is hard. And it sucks. And there will be lots of moments where you will not like yourself (I still struggle with that with my own sister.)
I just found out today that one of my nieces is so stressed out that she is crying herself to sleep. She wants to make her mom and everybody she loves so happy but it's tearing her apart. My own dad wants me to promise him that I won't leave my sister homeless.
But, in a nutshell, she's had NINE years to get her life together. And she hasn't. And part of the reason why is because she has had a lifestyle subsidized by my parents and her ex-husband. And now her kids live part time with my parents, who both have cancer btw, because she still hasn't gotten her act together (I live an hour away, they live with their father who has 50/50 custody, and they both want to stay in their school district - otherwise we would take them in). And one of the things I am PETRIFIED of is that she will start mooching off her own daughters when my parents are gone. And so I continue to draw the hard line, to set an example for my nieces, despite the criticism from my extended family and my own dad, because what else can I do?
Your brother needs to quit drugs, because what else can he do?
You can no longer be your brother's safety net, because he has become a danger to you and your family. What else can you do?
I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
I'm training for the NYC Marathon (which I have been trying to do since 2010 - which is another super long story...) and yesterday I had a day off so I tried to do my 18 mile long run. Seven miles in and my knee gave out. So I had to call my husband to pick me up.
He's a teacher, so he normally doesn't have to commute during rush hour, but I chose to do my long run in the afternoon. So he had to go through traffic to pick me up. He suggested that I should schedule my long runs so just in case my knee gave out again he wouldn't have to drive through rush hour.
I had the S#!^fit right in the car. He apologized but I was so angry at him , SEETHING at him. How dare he suggest that I would get injured again? That I wouldn't be able to do it?
Later on, when calmer minds prevailed, I realized that he had made a legitimate suggestion. But because I was so freaked out that I WAS going to get injured and have another long run aborted, I couldn't recognize the legitimacy of his request, which unfortunately confirmed what I'm afraid of (and still afraid of).
Ann has been here for a very long time on SR (just look at the number of posts - almost 45K!). This woman knows what she's talking about because she has walked the walk that you and I are just beginning to tread. I've just been here for almost a year. But I can say, with some certainty, that in general, it takes people a LONG LONG time to get to the point where you are. What happens a lot is that somebody will post once, he or she gets feedback, and then he or she drops off the face of the earth. Sometimes months or even years later that person will come back, and often that person is STILL stuck.
You have come so far so fast and you should be _absolutely_ proud of yourself. When Ann said what she said, she had no idea that you were already getting to that point. But, in a way, you're still in the beginning stages of this all, and comments like "you're going to cave" will still smart which leads to...
I need people to empower me.
You need to believe in your heart that what you're doing is right. And you need to build that conviction for yourself. Because if that conviction isn't there, it doesn't matter if one hundred thousand people (including the folks at SR) tell you that you are doing an awesome job, one person can be enough to tear down the hard work that you've been doing.
What you're doing is hard. And it sucks. And there will be lots of moments where you will not like yourself (I still struggle with that with my own sister.)
I just found out today that one of my nieces is so stressed out that she is crying herself to sleep. She wants to make her mom and everybody she loves so happy but it's tearing her apart. My own dad wants me to promise him that I won't leave my sister homeless.
But, in a nutshell, she's had NINE years to get her life together. And she hasn't. And part of the reason why is because she has had a lifestyle subsidized by my parents and her ex-husband. And now her kids live part time with my parents, who both have cancer btw, because she still hasn't gotten her act together (I live an hour away, they live with their father who has 50/50 custody, and they both want to stay in their school district - otherwise we would take them in). And one of the things I am PETRIFIED of is that she will start mooching off her own daughters when my parents are gone. And so I continue to draw the hard line, to set an example for my nieces, despite the criticism from my extended family and my own dad, because what else can I do?
Your brother needs to quit drugs, because what else can he do?
You can no longer be your brother's safety net, because he has become a danger to you and your family. What else can you do?
I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
part time member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,910
I am so sorry for your troubles. I have been dealing for years and it isn't getting any better. My son is going to be 30 and I am still dealing. Ann is a very smart woman...listen to her...she has been there and back again.....it is all very hard. **sigh**
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart 
Yes and no. It sure as hell helps to have people support you along the way, but you also need to prepare yourself for the possibility that you will feel very much alone for much of this journey. And that there will be many people, including the people closest to you, who will make you second guess yourself.
Thank you for this!
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