Expanding

At this point, thinking about us being together feels more strange than us being apart. I'm surprised that after that many years it took six months for the thought of us being in the same room to feel unnatural. Although if I'm going to be honest, us being in the same room hadn't felt natural for some time...

I am feeling guilt and I think on some level I am punishing myself, because I didn't want to be with him as he was and I know it caused him pain. The last thing I wanted to do is cause anyone pain... it is like my subconscious repentance, staying stuck mentally in this hell, assuming he is happy and couldn't care less about me, anything to make it hurt more because I "deserve it" for hurting him. There is a part of me that doesn't feel I deserve to be happy.

The perfectionist inside (created by an A mother, because all other people can see is how things LOOK and not how they feel) is kicking herself for not keeping up with the facade (how COULD you? Now people may KNOW). It hurt me a lot and there's only so much I can say because it's not my problem to share.

I wish there wasn't such shame surrounding this disease. Out of all the millions affected I hardly, if ever, hear anyone talking about it.

I'll be excited when I have new associations for the fall, because right now all my memories and feelings revolve around exA. This used to be my favorite time of year

Bekindalways

Argh Expanding, grieving truly sucks. Welcome all those emotions, listen to them respectfully and let them go. If you are like me the emotions come back and come back and need to be felt and listened to way too much.

I figure our parents do their best but for most parents their best falls short of what we need.

Big hug to you. It gets better but it takes time!

AnvilheadII

perhaps you need to have some type of ceremony or ritual to acknowledge the relationship AND it's ending?? i've not done this personally but i have heard of many who do......and it gives them a self-gifted sense of closure.

then go take a walk, get outside, let your senses absorb this season you love....SEE that it is still there, smell it, hear it. right now outside my front door there must be 500 birds singing and tweeting their little hearts out.......the air is cool, everything a bit moist from yesterday's rains.....amazing my flower buckets i planted way back in June (?) are still growing like mad.

LexieCat

First of all, it's not possible to live in the company of other human beings and not "cause pain." The only way to avoid that would be to be a complete doormat and mold yourself to everyone's wishes--and even THAT would be impossible, because one person would like you to be "A" and another would want you to be "B," and somebody's gonna be unhappy no matter what. We bump up against each other. We can't be all things to all people. So part of growing up to be healthy and whole (and it's never too late to start) is learning to be true to oneself.

You couldn't support him and his drinking behavior in the relationship. That's perfectly legitimate. He prefers to be with someone who will allow that to continue. That's largely a product of his alcoholism, but he still has the right to make that choice, however ill-advised it might be.

Honestly, I think most of your feelings are pretty par for the course after a breakup. But the fact is, your interests diverged so radically that there was no way you both could be happy in the relationship. It happens. It happens in non-alcoholic relationships, too.

I don't see anything wrong, either, in confiding in a few trusted friends the reason for the breakup. You're not doing it for the purpose of "trashing him" but rather to work through your own feelings. You know your friends better than we do, but there must be a couple who would listen non-judgmentally.

And I'd suggest working on this need to care whether, and what, he thinks of you now. The two of you are history. He's got his journey, you've got yours. Keep your eyes on yours.

honeypig

Expanding, I'd like to second the idea of thinking about a separation ceremony or ritual that was suggested above. Sometimes our emotions need to be addressed on a different level from what we intellectually know. Although I've tended not to believe in "woo-woo" stuff in the past, in the last couple of years I've found that sometimes it's exactly what is needed to get at an emotional or spiritual problem that my brain can't seem to solve on its own.

I googled "separation ritual" and "separation ceremony", both in quotes to keep the terms together, and found a number of sites that might provide you w/some ideas if you choose to go this route.

For me, I need to use both the rational and "non-rational" means at different times. Like so much else I've found in recovery, there tends to be more than one part to each answer. Trying something and finding it doesn't solve the problem may not mean it's wrong; it may mean that it's not the whole answer.

That's my 2 cents' worth.