Sunshine1234

So as I've posted on here before, I filed for divorce and my STBXAH has not responded in the 20 days he had to respond. I know legally what the next step is...motion for default and essentially I am "awarded" what I requested...most importantly sole custody. I have to say I am pretty shocked he has not responded being that he still sees the kids supervised 3 times a week and plays the roll of "involved dad". But, then again he is not one to follow the rules and the drug tests/psych eval that I was requesting were things that he probably couldn't fathom complying with. After all, no one is ever going to tell him what to do. So here I am now with a very good outcome because I can decide what is in the best interest of our kids. However, I am struggling with how much/how little I want him involved. In a perfect world we would share custody and he would be clean. But, not the case. Has anyone else had a similar outcome to this and if so how do you handle as far as visitation? As least if the courts were involved he would be taking the drug tests and I would have the peace of mind that he was clean. Now I feel that if I keep allowing the supervised visits he will still be under the influence of god knows what and this will not be good for the kids to witness. I know he won't be giving me any child support as he barely does now and he is not honest about what he makes. Yes I know legally he has to but he has gotten away with not paying for his other two kids from a previous relationship. Need advice...

Ann

Sunshine, sadly, even divorce and court orders cannot make them get clean.

In a perfect world he would stop using and be good to his children, but in the real world he chose not to respond and therefor forfeits his rights and responsibilities to care for his kids.

And you are correct, he is either clean or using and it appears using is the answer. Nobody should be with children when they are using drugs.

It's a sad outcome, one perhaps you didn't expect. You are a good person who puts the interest of your children first and they will find their love and happiness through you and your choices.

Hugs

AnvilheadII

yes I know legally he has to but he has gotten away with not paying for his other two kids from a previous relationship.

they say past performance is a good indicator of future behavior.....he does not take the RESPONSIBILITY for the children he has created SERIOUSLY, he does not SUPPORT them financially as a parent SHOULD. now there are MORE children that he also will not provide for, or man up and assume the mantel of FATHER.

go for sole custody, drug tests, limited supervised visits in which he must PROVE he is clean, child support, don't give him any wiggle room. not one inch.

Nelly1

A dear friend of mine is in a similar situation. Her and her ex share one son and the father stopped paying child support (they didn't go through the court) now she is.... He lies about his income and she knows she will get nothing from him due to his hidden salary but she reassures herself that you can't put a price tag on piece of mind. She is seeking full custody which her lawyer informs her she will most likely be granted.... The father used drugs, sold drugs, and is altogether not much a part of her sons life. She is terrified that he would get any custody... She often says if her son did get anytime with his dad she'd have to park outside his house during their visits out of fear her son would be in danger around his father using....... Now take the situation I just presented to you and imagine a judge hearing you say that... "I'm afraid to subject my child to an addict" or "I fear them alone together because he is an addict and most likely will be on some sort of substance throughout their visit and or coming down from one" ...... What judge would knowingly put that child at risk without drug testing or monitoring..... None. I hope that can put your mind at ease and I'm so sorry that you have to deal with the pain of keeping your child protected from an awful disease.... Stay strong!

Sunshine1234

Thank you Ann!! I would walk on fire for my kids. So hard to wrap my head around that he wouldn't.

Sunshine1234

Anvil...I am going for all you stated...however he didn't respond therefore he essentially will loose any rights to his kids. He always ends up skirting the law and this was another BIG factor in my decision to leave. He would say one thing (i.e. I pay my child support and next thing I knew is cops were at the door arresting him for not paying). It was a web of lies. No wiggle room would mean to me that he can't see the kids until he is clean. But then that puts me back "in charge" of mandating his drug tests rather than the law handling. I know he's going to come at me from every angle and make me feel that I'm the one keeping him from his kids. I know I am doing what's best but it's still a decision that I didn't think I would be having to make.

AnvilheadII

he didn't respond therefore he essentially will loose any rights to his kids

HE KNEW THAT WAS THE CONSEQUENCE.

Sunshine1234

So I jumped the gun when I wrote this initially and NO JOKE 20 minutes before end of day my attorney contacted me that she heard from by XAH attorney. He is asking for joint custody and of course making up lies saying I'm keeping the kids from him. I have more than enough documentation to show I have been very clear about visitation and no unsupervised visits until clean drug test. He has told me time and time again he will be getting me a drug test and nothing. Now the good thing is the courts can order them and he will have to comply if he wants to be a part of the kids lives. As they say more will be revealed and I have found out so much more about his past and I'm just disgusted! I CANNOT BELIEVE I BELIEVED HIM! I feel like I was completely snowed during our entire relationship. Here I was trying to make our home this nice little place with our family...meanwhile he was doing God knows what and living a double life! This is crazy!! I am preparing myself for a wild ride but will do whatever I need to make sure my kids are safe.

Ann

It is entirely possible that you will be raising your children alone. He is unlikely to meet the criteria for visitation and his history is an indication that he does not take responsibility for child support.

The best thing you can do is to take good care of yourself and your children and let your lawyer fight for what is rightfully yours.

Hugs