eternallife

Hi everyone. It's been a while since I've posted here. I've been sober for nearly 4 years. The last two I haven't been active in any program. About 2 months ago, I slipped, and accepted a glass of wine at a work event. I originally intended to just hold it, but I ended up taking a few sips. At a second work event that week, I ordered a beer and took a few sips, leaving the rest. I've been sober ever since, not touching a drop. I'm horrified by my actions, and really disappointed in myself. I haven't told anyone about the slip, and I have no interest in going back to my drinking ways. If anything, it was the wake up call I needed. Where it gets tricky, is that I never told my wife about it. I'm scared to. She's so proud of my sobriety and regularly tells me how amazing it is. I can't bear to disappoint her, and make her feel as though she shouldn't trust me. We're also going through some other family challenges, this news would make things a lot worse. I don't know how to deal with the guilt of not telling her. Relationships are built on trust and this is lying by omission. Part of me knows I'm in a better place now and back on the righ road, and wants to move on without telling anyone. Another part of me thinks that is 'wrong' and that I need to confess. The guilt always lingers and I don't know what to do. The longer I wait, the more complicated things could get. My worst nightmare is that a colleague mentions to my wife that they saw me drink once and she finds out that way. Thoughts?

Snarly

Hi Eternallife,

Welcome!

Thank you for telling us your story. I can definitely relate!

I'm Snarly and I too am no stranger to relapsing after having spent years sober. I am on day 11 and owe a large part of this to this forum and it's members.

I think there is something truly unique one experiences after doing all the "right" things to get sober and maintain that sobriety through any extensive period of time.

I have done relapsed several times. A couple were a result of friends who thought it was a bit joke to slip me a drink.

Other slips were a direct result of me making a conscious decision to drink. I have no clearly defined reason "why". Each time I went that nasty cycle of beating myself up and hiding my slip from those that had supported me during my sobriety.

One of my favorite quotes is from Vince Lombardi:
"It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get back up."

Please keep coming back and let us know how things are going.

You have the tools so take a deep breathe and know that you can do this.

Good luck to you!

Snarly (me getting virtually whacked = booze bad stuff WILL happen.)

Darwinia

A few sips? And you have no intention of drinking again. I would not mention it and forget about it. Its no relapse at all.

entropy1964

Hmmm. Are you working a program? If so, what does your sponsor think?

In AA we're taught that if confessing our transgressions will harm someone, then we have to consider not confessing. If keeping my secret was concerning me or making me possibly more sick, I would confess.

Ultimately this is for you to decide. The other question is, why did you slip? The drinking of the alcohol isn't the biggest issue, its your thinking that counts. Good luck.

january161992

since my sobriety date is the most important thing in my life, your post got my complete attention

its comforting to know that there is a very clear and precise solution to our problem

SoberRobster

Firstly, I am in awe of your 4 years. You say that it was a couple of months ago that you had a few sips of wine and then a week later a few sips of beer. The main thing is that you stopped, realised your slip and it seems your resolve is as strong as ever. I say don't beat yourself up and keep it to yourself. I think the fact it was only a few sips and did not escalate is in my mind testimony to your determination.

january161992

my experience not my opinion

i lied about my sobriety date when i was new because i had quit drinking but i was still smoking dope

my sponsor made me go back to all my meetings and admit my mistake

MidnightBlue

Hi, Eternalife.

Thank you for sharing your story.

I am just 2 weeks shy of hitting 4 years and it is a sound remind to stay vigilant regardless of sober time under the belt.

Great for you to recognize the danger and regain the control and the wheel of sobriety just wobbled a little bit, realizing that a tiny slip off the road can end in a crash if not taken care of.

As for telling your wife - it's your decision to make. Weigh all the pros and cons. I personally don't believe that truth always sets you free - sometimes it sets you up.

No one can see your sobriety through your eyes.

It's very important to be totally honest with yourself - if you are sure it won't happen again, then probably telling your wife will add lots of unnecessary anxiety to her.

If chances are high that some colleague will "spill the truth" and it will keep you freaking out - then probably it's better to say but to think the script ahead so that she has no doubts about your sober strength.

Also I think it's crucial to wind the tape back and analyze those invisible undercurrents which forced you to drink in the first place. Nothing happens without a reason. Analyze your mistakes and move forward.

Best wishes to you.

Anna

Congratulations on 4 years of recovery. I'm sorry this happened, and I think this is a decision you will have to make yourself. If you tell your wife to relieve your guilt, I'm not sure that's the right thing to do. You also said that this news would be on top of other family issues going on, so it's a tough decision.

Mountainmanbob

Since these were (deliberate) sips taken I would have to disagree.

Best to tell your wife and then simply put this all behind you. I've done the same and it's best to be honest.

A new sobriety date may also be in order? That's up to you but, I would.

Why go through the rest of your sober life having this haunt you?

Honestly is always the best policy.

Bob

August252015

First, four years is awesome. That's a great accomplishment.

Perhaps I am the only hard*ss here but a spade is a spade by any other name: this was drinking. IMO when we call things a "slip" or a "little mistake" or any of the terms we often want to use....we are lying to ourselves, downplaying what happened, not accepting it....SOMETHING that can keep us from being sober. I am not beating you up here; I am advocating complete honesty, first with yourself.

You held a glass. Why on earth would you do that? To prove you could do it? To fit in? To pretend to be a drinker (still)? I can't imagine doing this, myself. That's completely tempting fate- and unnecessarily so. You invited the AV to take over and it did.

Telling your wife. Indeed, your call. Personally, I would not be able to keep it to myself, from my (also in recovery) boyfriend because my life is built on honest recovery and transparency, and its extension to every part of my program and life. As is ours together. Whatever my drinking might do to impact other troubling situations is something I would have to accept and take responsibility for, then deal with along with my partner. Would it make things worse, impact trust, hurt her? Most likely if not definitely. But I would prefer to deal with that horrible effect - step 10 in AA is continuing to admit our wrongs and cleaning them up as we go along- and that's the only way I could live with myself.

Good luck.

Mountainmanbob

The title of the thread tells it all.

Slip after 4 years sober.

We simply get honest with ourselves and others, start a new sobriety date and understand it all as yet, another lesson learned. Oh Lord I'm tired of learning lessons. Then be good today. Pretty simple program.

M-Bob

Bruno1979

As above definitely ^^^^^^

ReadyAtLast

Hi, I can relate. I had 3 years 8 months and had a glass of wine.few weeks later a couple more then a bottle the week after. Then last Friday I drank to get obliterated.

I too had taken my eye off my recovery. I'm a week sober now and starting again.back on sr back doing what worked and doing it every day.

Honesty with myself is key and working out what went wrong and ensuring it doesn't happen agfain

It's good you've recognised it too and are back on sr.

Dee74

Hi eternallife

I could never hide anything worth a damn from my wife

Only you can weigh up the guilt and the other family stuff and decide what the right course of action is.

I'm glad you're back on track

D

Windancer

I think this is a very personal decision with no clear right or wrong answer. Weigh out the pros and cons of both options and see what makes the most sense to you. Also think about what decision you will be happier living with. Personally I would like to have an extremely honest relationship, but can also see how a small white lie is perhaps less harmful at times. But I guess that is the thing ... is it a small white lie to you? Or something much more? I think if I was in your shoes I might feel like my sober time was now "tainted" with a touch of dishonesty. And it seems you become complacent and perhaps there is an important lesson to learn in that .

Fly N Buy

There is only one decision and you know the answer, likely.

silentrun

Something I read said that people who achieve long term success will periodically recommit to sobriety. Maybe it's time for you to do that however that makes sense to you. I think of Philip Seymour Hoffman when I think about the dangers of one glass of anything.

As far as the guilt, coming here and talking about it means you are not being secretive. I'm at 3+ years and I'm not sure how I would approach that with my family. I can see how that would bother you. Maybe if you feel like you can admit to the mistake and lay out your remedy at the same time it would help. You shouldn't have to view what happened with shame. You screwed up and now you figured out a fix.

Ooona

Amazingly, after all of the lying sneaking and deceiving I did in my active alcoholism, Im not a very good liar in my recovery. Personally it would eat me alive to keep it to myself, but thats just me. You make the choice and decision that you believe to be right for you and your wife.

It is a humbling experience, but you are a human being with what I believe to be a illness. Who knows why you were triggered to have the slips, but it can and does happen and seems it could be used to just show you to not become complacent with the illness, to remain diligent in your ongoing recognition of need for support/help. None of us are ever cured or out of the woods, like many other illnesses we must continue to monitor and watch for symptoms.

Thank you for sharing your story. Really helping me tonight to stay on top of this thing and not get cocky, overly confident or lazy with my recovery!

D122y

Eternal,

Sober 4 years, with only 2 days, of only a few sips, is amazing.

But, there are no slips allowed anymore...right?

We don't drink. It is poison to us.

That is how I would approach it.

I wouldn't tell my wife. I wouldn't slip again.

We don't drink.

Be proud of your sober time...reset the sober date?...up to you and your sponser...but firstly be proud and protective of your sobriety.

Great post.