Kw0920

Hello All...posted my story yesterday (new comer) and was handed the greatest support...great advice...and understanding...so tonight I need to vent...
Our 3 year old little girl started venom allergy therapy today.(..she had a severe allergic reaction to a sting this summer) it all went well (thank goodness...but just a small injection today so hopefully the next 13 weeks go just as smooth (she could have a reaction to shot...so every good day is a very good day). Anyways...my AH has been interviewing with a company for a new job...second interview today...supposed to be late this afternoon...but on our way to the hospital (which is an hour and a half away) he received a call asking if he could come earlier...so he could meet with owner as well...ok...so he agrees without consulting with me (i mean honestly we had no idea what was going to happen after she got this shot) but of course I said ok.(always the supportive one)..thank goodness his parents were meeting us at hospital to help out with twin brother...and be there just in case. After shot we have to wait an hour to see if there is a reaction...literally after they let us go...he leaves..."so he doesn't have to rush". He messaged me before he went into interview and asks if I'm ok? I say yes...he answers back "you just seem distant and I really need your support right now"....REALLY....SO DONT I AS WELL AS YOUR DAUGHTER! But of course I apologized (grrrrr)!!
Looooonnng day....he comes home from the interview and of course he's been drinking...ugh...trying to carry on a conversation...(nothing more annoying than a slurring recap). And then just sits at his computer emailing the company...goes out to get more to drink...comes back to computer....I have to do everything....dinner...baths...with two exhausted 3 year olds....after bath...they are literally crying over anything and everything and he is just laying on our bed on his phone....not even offering to give me any help!
I am finally getting seeing him for who he is...selfish...absorbed with himself...
I am starting to see myself for who I am...the one who gets it done...the one that is strong...the rock...and I know I'm not going to break...when I get to that point where the words can finally be said out loud...even if I can't say then to him yet...but I'm going to my parents for a visit this weekend...and I'm going to finally break my silence...break my cycle...

Ariesagain

If you're doing everything anyway, why stay with him? If he's gone, you at least can have some peace of mind and have a third less work to do.

I'm sorry, sweetie. Have a hug.

Nata1980

I have to say - single parenting while working full time has been much easier and more rewarding vs. parenting with "stay at home father AH who did everything".

Our son was not in any sports, now he does swimming, horseback riding, and tennis. XAH is grumbling about expenses tho....too bad

amy55

Kw,

You are so right !!!!! You're eyes are opened now, and it is really hard to shut them once they are opened.

I remember when I was keeping a journal, I listed 5 things that I was afraid of, if I left. For the life of me, at this point I can only remember one of them. I felt that I would feel lonely. Thing is, I looked at that really hard, and realized that I felt lonelier when he was home and ignoring me. I was then afraid to "invade" his room. I felt like a prisoner.

It's really big, that you realize that you are doing all of the work, you are the strong one, you are the rock, and you can do anything that you put your mind too.

I also found out that once I started to talk about things, it was like the weight of the world was lifted off of my shoulders.

I hope you have a terrific weekend.

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

hearthealth

I am in many ways just like you. I take care of ALL the responsibility. I use to keep the focus on my AH and what he was not doing and what he was doing. His drinking and violence. Now my children are 9 and 10 and they don't know how to pick up after themselves or help out with the housework. AH doesn't do housework and doesn't speak up to train them. I stayed focused on him and my tasks for the day. I failed to get the children to help out to. My DS10 says "Don't worry." But now I see that they are not turning out to be responsible adults and I feel like the nag. I have to control myself. AH doesn't have to show up in life.

honeypig

As hearthealth's post shows, kids learn that what they see in their parent's relationship is "normal." If they see one parent disrespecting the other, ignoring the other, not pitching in and pulling their fair share of the load, while the other parent accepts that treatment, well, they assume that's how life is, and they'll carry that forward in their own lives, either behaving in an entitled fashion towards others or assuming that their place is to accept whatever crumbs are dished out and do all the heavy lifting themselves. Not what most folks would want for their kids, I don't think.

It's one of the reasons it's said so often here that "staying together for the kids" is NOT doing them any favors...

Kw0920

YES!!! That is exactly the way to put it ....AH doesn't have to show up in life. Thank you hearthealth!!! I spoke with his mom about it all today....(we are very close...her and her husband are like 2nd parents to me and the twins). She said she could see it yesterday...and told me to continue to focus on the kids...she she advised me to talk to AH when he wasn't drinking...I said well then that will be impossible!!! Anyways....I told her I have never seen him this bad before...and deep down I know that his history shows too much of a roller coaster with his sobriety....just keep talking...just keep sharing....I am getting more clarity every day!!!

maia1234

Kw,
Keep the focus on you and the kids. You have wasted to much time trying to fix him. They are always your priority. Hugs my friend, I hope you baby is doing ok.