Feeling lost
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Cambridge, UK
Posts: 4
Feeling lost
OK so i guess the following will be 'yet another one'!
4-5 months ago i started seeing this amaizing guy who made me feel adored, listened to…all the things you hope for in a soul mate but lose faith the older you get! 3 months in and we go on holiday together during which time he gets more and more controlling. When we get back home, i start planning some time apart to work out how i feel. On our last evening of holiday we go out for a meal and i drive (He had been driving the whole holiday) so he can have a drink….only fair right? Boy did he drink! When we got home, we had a glass of wine together and then went to bed. During the weekend, i now realise, he was getting up in the night when he knew i was asleep and working his way through my drinks cupboard in huge quantities and then spending the day in bed recovering.
The sweet, sensitive, emotionally intelligent man vanished overnight and a mean, selfish man replaced him. When the penny dropped as to what was going on i confronted him and he admitted the extent of his problem. I spoke with his family to get the full story and we discussed it at length, planned how he would stop drinking and how to avoid it in the future. The next day he went to the shop and bought a load of spirits and hid them, getting up in the night…..you can guess the repeat pattern.
Since then i have not allowed him in my house and tried to be supportive as a friend hoping he will come back to me. He has good days and bad, i get my hopes up for them to be trashed. He cant work, has no social life and his family are at the end of their patience with him….they have been through this with him before.
We both have family and work challenges in the background to try and cope with as well.
I am a nurse and am used to working out what the problem is, plan how to manage it and then make everything better…. problem solved (total control)! Added to this my life has an unfair amount of challenges at the moment (nothing major….just all at once!!). I am taking this all personally and really struggling to cope. I dont go into relationships lightly and feel i should be there for him, but cannot trust him and am starting to feel there is no future for him or us.
I guess i just need an ear to listen to my heart breaking after yet another example of the man i fell in love with not being there when i really needed him!
Thank you for your shoulder…hope i didnt make it too wet!
4-5 months ago i started seeing this amaizing guy who made me feel adored, listened to…all the things you hope for in a soul mate but lose faith the older you get! 3 months in and we go on holiday together during which time he gets more and more controlling. When we get back home, i start planning some time apart to work out how i feel. On our last evening of holiday we go out for a meal and i drive (He had been driving the whole holiday) so he can have a drink….only fair right? Boy did he drink! When we got home, we had a glass of wine together and then went to bed. During the weekend, i now realise, he was getting up in the night when he knew i was asleep and working his way through my drinks cupboard in huge quantities and then spending the day in bed recovering.
The sweet, sensitive, emotionally intelligent man vanished overnight and a mean, selfish man replaced him. When the penny dropped as to what was going on i confronted him and he admitted the extent of his problem. I spoke with his family to get the full story and we discussed it at length, planned how he would stop drinking and how to avoid it in the future. The next day he went to the shop and bought a load of spirits and hid them, getting up in the night…..you can guess the repeat pattern.
Since then i have not allowed him in my house and tried to be supportive as a friend hoping he will come back to me. He has good days and bad, i get my hopes up for them to be trashed. He cant work, has no social life and his family are at the end of their patience with him….they have been through this with him before.
We both have family and work challenges in the background to try and cope with as well.
I am a nurse and am used to working out what the problem is, plan how to manage it and then make everything better…. problem solved (total control)! Added to this my life has an unfair amount of challenges at the moment (nothing major….just all at once!!). I am taking this all personally and really struggling to cope. I dont go into relationships lightly and feel i should be there for him, but cannot trust him and am starting to feel there is no future for him or us.
I guess i just need an ear to listen to my heart breaking after yet another example of the man i fell in love with not being there when i really needed him!
Thank you for your shoulder…hope i didnt make it too wet!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome to SR, Daisychain--glad you found us here. I hope you can take some time to read around the forum, making sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. I think you'll realize pretty quickly that you're not alone.
SR and Alanon helped me make a lot of positive changes in my life--looking into Alanon as a face-to-face source of support and education as well as reading and posting here at SR can help you find your own path to recovery and happiness, too.
Hope to hear more from you in days to come.
SR and Alanon helped me make a lot of positive changes in my life--looking into Alanon as a face-to-face source of support and education as well as reading and posting here at SR can help you find your own path to recovery and happiness, too.
Hope to hear more from you in days to come.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
4 to 5 months is a very short period of time - and yet in that time he has SHOWN you a very dark side. he has a problem. and it was there WAY before you came along. HIS problem is not YOURS to fix. HE is not your patient. he is a man you met that has alcohol and control issues.
i'm glad you have put some distance between you. if he "can't" work, how does he survive? buy his booze? go on holiday? having no social life and a family that is just about done are HUGE RED FLAGS. it means he's burned thru everybody else.
you owe him NOTHING. we have the right to decide to walk away at any time. for any reason.
i'm glad you have put some distance between you. if he "can't" work, how does he survive? buy his booze? go on holiday? having no social life and a family that is just about done are HUGE RED FLAGS. it means he's burned thru everybody else.
you owe him NOTHING. we have the right to decide to walk away at any time. for any reason.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
Originally Posted by Daisychain6 
Added to this my life has an unfair amount of challenges at the moment (nothing major….just all at once!!). I am taking this all personally and really struggling to cope. I dont go into relationships lightly and feel i should be there for him, but cannot trust him and am starting to feel there is no future for him or us.!
I knew early on there was no future for us, but saw a glimmer. Now I see nothing as he continues to give me reasons to believe he is never gonna change.
Rarely do they change so if you're good with today being a snapshot of the rest of your life, proceed. Otherwise, save yourself ....this is not an easy life with an A. Heartbreak after heartbreak.
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