Feeling lost
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Cambridge, UK
Posts: 4
Feeling lost
OK so i guess the following will be 'yet another one'!
4-5 months ago i started seeing this amaizing guy who made me feel adored, listened to…all the things you hope for in a soul mate but lose faith the older you get! 3 months in and we go on holiday together during which time he gets more and more controlling. When we get back home, i start planning some time apart to work out how i feel. On our last evening of holiday we go out for a meal and i drive (He had been driving the whole holiday) so he can have a drink….only fair right? Boy did he drink! When we got home, we had a glass of wine together and then went to bed. During the weekend, i now realise, he was getting up in the night when he knew i was asleep and working his way through my drinks cupboard in huge quantities and then spending the day in bed recovering.
The sweet, sensitive, emotionally intelligent man vanished overnight and a mean, selfish man replaced him. When the penny dropped as to what was going on i confronted him and he admitted the extent of his problem. I spoke with his family to get the full story and we discussed it at length, planned how he would stop drinking and how to avoid it in the future. The next day he went to the shop and bought a load of spirits and hid them, getting up in the night…..you can guess the repeat pattern.
Since then i have not allowed him in my house and tried to be supportive as a friend hoping he will come back to me. He has good days and bad, i get my hopes up for them to be trashed. He cant work, has no social life and his family are at the end of their patience with him….they have been through this with him before.
We both have family and work challenges in the background to try and cope with as well.
I am a nurse and am used to working out what the problem is, plan how to manage it and then make everything better…. problem solved (total control)! Added to this my life has an unfair amount of challenges at the moment (nothing major….just all at once!!). I am taking this all personally and really struggling to cope. I dont go into relationships lightly and feel i should be there for him, but cannot trust him and am starting to feel there is no future for him or us.
I guess i just need an ear to listen to my heart breaking after yet another example of the man i fell in love with not being there when i really needed him!
Thank you for your shoulder…hope i didnt make it too wet!
4-5 months ago i started seeing this amaizing guy who made me feel adored, listened to…all the things you hope for in a soul mate but lose faith the older you get! 3 months in and we go on holiday together during which time he gets more and more controlling. When we get back home, i start planning some time apart to work out how i feel. On our last evening of holiday we go out for a meal and i drive (He had been driving the whole holiday) so he can have a drink….only fair right? Boy did he drink! When we got home, we had a glass of wine together and then went to bed. During the weekend, i now realise, he was getting up in the night when he knew i was asleep and working his way through my drinks cupboard in huge quantities and then spending the day in bed recovering.
The sweet, sensitive, emotionally intelligent man vanished overnight and a mean, selfish man replaced him. When the penny dropped as to what was going on i confronted him and he admitted the extent of his problem. I spoke with his family to get the full story and we discussed it at length, planned how he would stop drinking and how to avoid it in the future. The next day he went to the shop and bought a load of spirits and hid them, getting up in the night…..you can guess the repeat pattern.
Since then i have not allowed him in my house and tried to be supportive as a friend hoping he will come back to me. He has good days and bad, i get my hopes up for them to be trashed. He cant work, has no social life and his family are at the end of their patience with him….they have been through this with him before.
We both have family and work challenges in the background to try and cope with as well.
I am a nurse and am used to working out what the problem is, plan how to manage it and then make everything better…. problem solved (total control)! Added to this my life has an unfair amount of challenges at the moment (nothing major….just all at once!!). I am taking this all personally and really struggling to cope. I dont go into relationships lightly and feel i should be there for him, but cannot trust him and am starting to feel there is no future for him or us.
I guess i just need an ear to listen to my heart breaking after yet another example of the man i fell in love with not being there when i really needed him!
Thank you for your shoulder…hope i didnt make it too wet!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Sending you a hug.
If you do some reading around here, this is a pretty classic pattern. Charming alcoholic/addict sweeps someone off their feet, instant connection, never felt this way, "You GET me!!!", rainbows, unicorns, fairy dust. Then there's an incident...then a few more. Then the using becomes more and more apparent...and destructive. Addict clings to their drug of choice like grim death while the now codependent dances around their every whim trying to make it all better and wondering where the glitter shower went.
Been there, done that. Lots of us have. The basic reality is that there is absolutely nothing you can do to fix it...it has to be them seeking recovery on their own. For those of us who are of the roll up your sleeves school, this is a really, really tough lesson to learn.
It isn't even personal. He's already in a committed relationship...with alcohol. And unless he decides otherwise, he's not available.
Stick around and you'll get lots of information and lots of empathy. We're here.
If you do some reading around here, this is a pretty classic pattern. Charming alcoholic/addict sweeps someone off their feet, instant connection, never felt this way, "You GET me!!!", rainbows, unicorns, fairy dust. Then there's an incident...then a few more. Then the using becomes more and more apparent...and destructive. Addict clings to their drug of choice like grim death while the now codependent dances around their every whim trying to make it all better and wondering where the glitter shower went.
Been there, done that. Lots of us have. The basic reality is that there is absolutely nothing you can do to fix it...it has to be them seeking recovery on their own. For those of us who are of the roll up your sleeves school, this is a really, really tough lesson to learn.
It isn't even personal. He's already in a committed relationship...with alcohol. And unless he decides otherwise, he's not available.
Stick around and you'll get lots of information and lots of empathy. We're here.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Sorry for what brings you here. This probably isn't going to ease your pain, but be thankful it's been only 5 months and not 5 years...or five kids.
This isn't your problem to fix or anguish over. It just isn't.
While you are certainly welcome here on the newcomers forum, we have one especially for friends and family of the alcoholic:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Many folks who have been right where you are now.
This isn't your problem to fix or anguish over. It just isn't.
While you are certainly welcome here on the newcomers forum, we have one especially for friends and family of the alcoholic:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Many folks who have been right where you are now.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
welcome daisy! theres a great friends and family of alcoholics forum here with great people who have been in your shoes.
the cold hard truth, and this may hurt, is you nor anyone else can rescue or save ANY alcoholic. the ONLY thing that will happen is you will lose yourself.
PLEASE DONT LOSE YOURSELF!
myself- I had MANY people toss me out of their lives. one woman I was dating even did it on the side of the road out in BFE. and another- my fiancé. the morning after my last drunk ( to date0 she told me some of the things I had done and said through a vail of tears and then said,"GET THE F**K OUT!"
it hurt, but that led ME wanting ME to get sober. so many times through the years MANY people tried to tell me about my alcohol problem- tried to help me. it didn't help.
any ANYONE who kept me in their lives while I was drinking? I was doing my damdest to take them down with me.
and the ones that walked away from me or tossed me to the road( literally!).
best dam move they made for themselves.
yup, yer hurtin, but yer not alone any more! youre going to get great support here!
the cold hard truth, and this may hurt, is you nor anyone else can rescue or save ANY alcoholic. the ONLY thing that will happen is you will lose yourself.
PLEASE DONT LOSE YOURSELF!
myself- I had MANY people toss me out of their lives. one woman I was dating even did it on the side of the road out in BFE. and another- my fiancé. the morning after my last drunk ( to date0 she told me some of the things I had done and said through a vail of tears and then said,"GET THE F**K OUT!"
it hurt, but that led ME wanting ME to get sober. so many times through the years MANY people tried to tell me about my alcohol problem- tried to help me. it didn't help.
any ANYONE who kept me in their lives while I was drinking? I was doing my damdest to take them down with me.
and the ones that walked away from me or tossed me to the road( literally!).
best dam move they made for themselves.
yup, yer hurtin, but yer not alone any more! youre going to get great support here!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,369
Originally Posted by Daisychain6 
Sorry….have re-posted on the correct forum!
I'm sorry for what brings you here, but I know you'll find support and encouragement.
For what it's worth I think you're doing the right thing by detaching - not only for you, but him too.
I rather fear I might never have sorted myself out if I had people cleaning up my mess for me or enabling me.
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 315
I can echo what others are saying. There's no way anyone else was ever going to get me sober. If I told them that I'd work on my sobriety, I was flat out lying to them. I hate admitting that, but it's the truth.
Getting sober had to be something I wanted, which I desperately do at this point in my life. I have a long, long way to go in my struggle, but at least I'm working on it. And I can honestly say that I probably have more sober days this year than in the previous 20 or so combined. I'll take whatever positives I can find as I work to figure this out.
Please take care of yourself and always put your needs first. Too many of us that struggle with sobriety are all too willing to lie, cheat, and trample on others when we're in active addiction. You don't deserve that.
Getting sober had to be something I wanted, which I desperately do at this point in my life. I have a long, long way to go in my struggle, but at least I'm working on it. And I can honestly say that I probably have more sober days this year than in the previous 20 or so combined. I'll take whatever positives I can find as I work to figure this out.
Please take care of yourself and always put your needs first. Too many of us that struggle with sobriety are all too willing to lie, cheat, and trample on others when we're in active addiction. You don't deserve that.
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