SummerBee

Does anyone else get 'excited' at the thought of drinking ? My husband announced yesterday that he was meeting a friend for a few beers (and yes, he can just have a few beers, unlike me) and I couldnt wait for him to go as it meant I could guzzle as much as I wanted without him judging me. Its just so pathetic. Its the same if I see someone on tv drinking a glass of wine or read in a book during my lunch break where someone is drinking. I know that without any shadow if a doubt I will be buying several bottles on the way home. Again, pathetic. Small children get this way looking forward to christmas, not fifty something women who should have at least some control over their lives. Hate, shame, disgust, self loathing. What a rubbish way to exist.

Dee74

It's not a great way to be, no - but I really believe we can change, Lolly.
Have you got any kind of a recovery plan?

D

Lightning Bug

BTDT, not with alcohol but getting excited over a prescription. It was almost ritualistic for me. I only had one source for benzos (luckily I never got to the point of buying off the street or going to multiple docs) and I counted down to each appointment or refill. I knew exactly when the pharmacy would fill it. I knew exactly when to time my appointments. I went to sleep earlier the night before so time would go faster.

Now that is pathetic.

SummerBee

You sound as if you came through it though ? I dont really know where to begin with it. Was reading a post here earlier about day dreaming, I do it all the time
See myself as a happy, sober, healthier person. The wishing for it almost hurts, I want it that bad.

VirginiaWoof

Hi Lolly

I can only write from my own experience, I am no expert. It was me who started the thread about the difference between daydreaming and wanting.

Daydreaming/wishing is an imagined 'realm', wanting is taking the bull by the horns because that is the life you want with no fluffy clouds and pink unicorns.

It is hard for anybody who has had the sort of life where dreamland is better than reality. But we are adults now and do have control over our lives. We can walk away from our old life and live a new one.

Please don't drink while your husband is away. Please make the decision to live life in real time and think about the future you CAN have xx

Snarly

Well Said!
Spot on about about taking the bull by the horns!

DolAndel

Haha, I'm guessing more than a few of us here still derive excitement from the mere thought of drinking. I can also relate to trying to hide one's drinking from your spouse.I would guzzle beers while my wife was in the shower before I had a gig, cuz I knew she'd give me a hard time about going on stage drunk. Wise woman she be!

Posting here has been really helpful for me during my first few days of sobering up. There are a ton of kind and thoughtful people here for support.

Don't be too hard on yourself, especially while you are early in recovery. This is almost a universal inclination to have when you are starting to sober up.

Sounds like you've already done some good prep work towards sobering up. Stay strong and keep us posted. Hope to hear of your day 1 soon!

SummerBee

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I have come to realise that if I have wine in the house I have to drink it. That said, I always buy way more than I can drink in a day and have been thinking about this lately. Am I subconsciously buying too much as I know the next day I can tell myself that I may as well finish whats left and start 'day 1' tommorow.......and fast forward, repeat. After reading around on SR it seems that we can cheat and fool ourselves into anything to 'justify' that drink at 5pm. Surely I can outsmart that, cant I ???!!!!!!!!!

gettingsmarter

Lolly I had a lie I used to tell non drinking people including my family. "No I can't come over I have a lot of work to do". In my head I wasn't lying because I did have work to do. The problem was that it was the same work I had to do the last time I told them I had work to do because I never did it in the first place.
We lie to ourselves in the same way.

DolAndel

Yup, you sure can! :-)

AngelaE

Hi Lolly,

It is not pathetic - this disease is cunning, baffling, deceiving. I would wake up with a hangover (every day), go to work and all I could obsess about from the minute I opened my eyes was that first sip of drink I would have after work. I would stop at the bottle store so excited I would not even wait till I got home. I would park my car somewhere and have a few "warm up" drinks before going home.

No bottle was ever left unfinished - it was like having a target - to finish whatever there was.

After 6 weeks in rehab & 1 relapse I am proud to say I am 285 days clean. I do feel very new into Recovery and am so thankful to have such wonderful support from my family, an amazing Sponsor, meetings, my 12 step program and most of all my HP. There are days when thoughts of alcohol cross my mind and it scares me that it still happens. But as quick as the thought comes it goes and I focus on the present moment. That is why we take our recovery one day at a time.

What once was impossible for me has now become reality - and it is possible for you too.

Wishing you all the best!

Bird615

I used to be like this with wine or any other kind of alcohol and I can also relate to the excitement I'd feel when looking forward to drinking. My ritual was spending time in the liquor store, wandering around looking at all the colours and bottle designs and interesting names, deciding what to buy, feeling like a little kid in a toy store.

When I stopped, all the pleasure of having something to get excited about went away, but that didn't last. As time went on, I began to find new interests and other things to get excited about came into my life.

It wasn't easy to stop at all and I had to get help to do it, but it's been so very worth it to wake up hangover-free, with a clear conscience and peace of mind.

doggonecarl

Your actions speak differently. You are excited about drinking, so you buy wine and drink.

You wish to be sober, but you aren't doing anything to achieve it. When you are wanting to be sober more than you are wanting to drink, then your actions will reflect that.

Mountainmanbob

Haven't thought about drinking for close to 9 years now. I had enough and all was falling apart fast.

My wife drinks one glass of wine each evening. I never really notice it or think about it.

I'm done -- the war is over.

Is that excited thought a good thing?

A nice sober day wished for all,
M-Bob

SummerBee

Ouch and thank you doggone. You have pulled no punches but you are so right.even more pathetic is the fact that I have done nothing about it.

madgirl

I don't know if I would use the word "excited". There are many times I remember I did not want to go home because I knew I would get drunk and I was soooooooo sick of it. Wow it was actually a miserable existence.

So you drink until it is (mostly) gone despite how drunk you may already be? How do you feel the next day? Are there black outs? Headaches? How is it impacting you at work?

SummerBee

Hi madgirl. Blackouts very frequently, hangovers no, just a feeling of grogginess and tired as usually fall asleep on the couch till about 2 am so sleep broken. Never sick. Function perfectly fine during the days, thats the scary bit.

Incontrol15

Oh, heck ya.

Also, I was addicted to pain pills. I would steal them from people's homes. Every single house I would go into, no matter the reason, I would wait for, or create, the first opportunity to search their cabinets.

I was get that Xmas eve feeling as soon as I knew I was going to visit a new home. Of course, that also meant I was super excited to visit certain people who had a constant supply.

Glad that's over.

Back to your point though....
It was hard to contain my excitement after hearing my wife was leaving. Then, of course, the disappointment she was coming home.

No wonder I ended up divorced.

I am 17mo sober now, and free from that misery. You can be too.

To get there, it helps to hate drinking more than being sober. And posts like this is a great example of that. Before I quit, I started a running list on my phone of all the things I didn't like about drinking.

Newest entry on the bottom and I would read my previous entries. And I also made entry every time I had a thought like that. Even if it was entered before. I think it helped my resolve to see those repeated entries over and over. I'd ask "when am I going to quit already?"

tomsteve

give me a warm summer day and a lawn mower and the thought of a "couple" ice cold beers pops up. but its just a thought and I have my past to remind me that in the time it takes for a drink to get from my mouth to my stomach, my past will become my future. I don't allow that thought to control my actions.
I used to have a problem seeing people drinking like non alcoholics. it took a lot of work for me to see and accept some people can do that.

". Hate, shame, disgust, self loathing. What a rubbish way to exist. '

the great FACT is you don't have to feel that way any more. you don't have to just be existing. you CAN start living If you decide you want to stop drinking and have a willingness to do whatever is necessary.

madgirl

You are not pathetic. Addicted, but not pathetic.

It felt frustrating to me at first when people here said "you have to be sober more than you want to drink." I had been drinking for decades - and other than pregnancy, had never really been "sober" so how could I know if I wanted that more?

What I did want is CHANGE. I was very unhappy, deeply ashamed and tired. So I took a leap of faith in choosing to say whenever I woke up "no matter what happens today, I will not drink."

There are throngs of people who have walked over the bridge to the other side and are cheering for you to come and join them - you won't know what you are missing, though, until you fight like hell to stay true to that one thing "no matter what happens today, I will not drink."