DolAndel

So I've got my first major sobriety test this weekend. I'm not sure what the most diplomatic thing to do is. My wife and I are having dinner at another couples house. They are award winning brewery owners who are gearing up for a major beer competition in a matter of days. We are basically hanging out with them on the eve of this. They have been some of my best supporters as a musician and I consider their beers among my favorites.

They slowly realized that I have problems with drinking beer and smoking weed, but they've been quite kind about it. They don't know that I have been actively trying to sober up. I have been avoiding having dinner with them until I could figure out how to handle it.

Should I even hang out with them on what will be day 5 for me? If I do, should I tell them I'm sobering up? They will want to do some legitimate beer tastings. I will have to explain my non participation.

So many of the local professional musicians know me as an intoxicated mess, it might actually help my case to tell a few people about my recovery.

My natural inclination is to go to dinner, say nothing and just drink and smoke as little as possible. Is that unnecessarily risky?

Dee74

5 days would have been too soon for me.

I barely escaped something similar in my early days - I was literally raising a sweat with the struggle. It was not a fun occasion.

But, I know from experience people do what they want

If you decide to go I think some kind of emphatic declaration of not drinking beforehand is imperative.

How much more you tell them is up to you.

D

Zanna

As someone back on day 4, I wouldn't put myself through the first 5 days again, for anything.
If you really must go (and in all honesty, I wouldn't), then I'd be honest with them.
Shields UP!

VirginiaWoof

That alone would make me inclined to not go. I know for me that would be the beginning of a slippery slope. I'd go intending to have a little, then a little more and then just forget the whole sobriety thing and get wrecked.

Snarly

Hi DolAndel,

I'm Snarly and I'm really new here.

Thanks for posting this.

While my story does not entirely relate, today is my real BDay and I'm spending it alone. I am intentionally avoiding "friends" because I know they will not understand why I am committed to staying sober.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching and realize most of my "friends" enable each other.. ie we always forgive benders, blackouts, and quick to bail each other out. There is a very strict line against domestic violence, etc.

If I went out with any of them, I am certain they would pull some stunt and slip me something... how do I know? I've seen it done.

I have no idea if this is of any use to you. Sounds like you are taking the steps to either not go or if you go, you will be prepared.

I can't tell you how many lists I have written as to what I am comfortable letting my friends and others know what I am going through now.

Let us know!

Snarly

tomsteve

"My natural inclination is to go to dinner, say nothing and just drink and smoke as little as possible. Is that unnecessarily risky? "

if ya like dancing with the devil, playing Russian roulette,rationalizing, living in insanity, want more gloom,dispair, and agony, make even more people walk away from ya, hurt others, and want to die....
go for it.

Keeping sober is the most important thing in my life. The most important decision I ever made was my decision to give up drinking. I am convinced that my whole life depends on not taking that first drink. Nothing in the world is as important to me as my own sobriety. Everything I have, my whole life, depends on that one thing. Can I afford ever to forget this, even for one minute?

Meditation for the Day

I will discipline myself. I will do this disciplining now. I will turn out all useless thoughts. I know that the goodness of my life is a necessary foundation for its usefulness. I will welcome this training.

Pinky1

I personally wouldn't go. Got to day 6 over the weekend had a drink then more. The rest is history and I'm back on day 1. It's just not worth it. I have a dilemma in a couple of weeks where we have accepted an invite to friends I will see how I feel nearer the time but if we go I will be driving

MrPL

Hi DolAndel,

My take is that drinking and smoking as little as possible is a terrible idea, but to go or not depends on how set your mind is on sobriety.

When I was on day 3 I had to decide whether to go to a music festival, which I had done plenty of times in the past and got hammered every single time, but I was completely and absolutely sure that my head was set on sobriety, so I went and it all went fine. When offered drinks I just said I was cutting it for a while, reception was always good, people really don't mind.

I think if you do decide to go you should tell them, after all they are your friends and want what s best for you.

Whatever you chose make sure that sobriety is in the best interest of your decision.

And congrats on day 5!

P

aasharon90

Id have to ask myself what is more important
to me right now and for the rest of my life.

Sobriety. My responsibility to recovery
and my sobriety Just For Today and one
day at a time forward incorporating a
program of recovery I have learned in
all areas of my life.

If I want to remain sober and stay off
the merry go round of insanity that
comes with drinking, injesting a toxic
chemical in my body that affects my
mind, body and soul, then I have to
make a change in my life.

I have to remind myself that alcohol
will always be there and its never goning
to go away. I have to distance myself
from people, places and things associated
with alcohol or drugs in order to be
successful in my own recovery.

That I cant change folks, make them
bend to my own liking just because I
cant drink or drug successfully as others.

But then, how many can truthfully say
they have been successful in their
addiction? No me for sure.

Many of my friends would have to
party without me because I had to
learn that my addiction was that serious
and my own problem needed to be addressed.

Being away from my family and friends
for 28 days in a rehab facility allowed
the toxins in my body to leave and begin
the healing process to help me to open
my mind, become willing to accept my
own addiction and be taught an affective
program of recovery to live by moving
forward.

Folks without an addiction problem
will never truly understand an addict
or someone with alcoholism. It takes
someone with one to know one. And
the only ones who truly know me are
the ones who have admitted and accepted
their own addiction and live with a
recovery program as a guideline.

Folks can suggest to me to not attend
parties or functions where alcohol or
drug flow, but for me, the ultimate
decision and responsibility would be
to stay clear, far away from it that
would keep me sick in my own addiction.

Practicing my program of recovery
on a daily bases each day becomes
easier to avoid those situations that
would have kept me in my own addiction.

Dee74

I can't believe I missed this bit - must be getting old

It's beyond risky. It's like smoking a cigarette inside a tanker full of gas.

if we could 'drink and smoke as little as possible', none of us would be here on a site like SR, man.

In times to come you'll be able to go anywhere and do anything and not want to drink or smoke ....but honestly the smart choice is for you to decline the invitation this weekend.

D

entropy1964

I would not go.

Snarly

Hey I missed that as well.

Where do I sign up for that option? Get me a contract and I'm out the door and down to the Gaslight for the 6am brunch and uh a few sips.

DolAndel

Thanks all. Much appreciated. Better to tell them or reschedule. One of the solo gigs I played for them I was hammered. They probably deserve to hear that I'm sobering up.

Meraviglioso

People that care about you will be supportive of you getting sober. It is not something that you have to tell to everyone but if they are legitimately good friends and support you in other ways I have no doubt they will support you in this.
I remember the first time I got sober, years and years ago, my husband and I had these great friends who loved food and wine as much as we did. We would have dinner parties all the time, each time trying to top the last dinner. Mega super recipes, the finest wines, cocktail pairings, you name it. When I told them that I was quitting drinking they were nothing but supportive and every time we went to their house for dinner they had gone all out and made up some super fancy non-alcoholic drink to pair with the dinner. We still enjoyed our cooking connection, they enjoyed their wine, and made sure I felt included by making a super special drink for me. It was just as fun as ever and so nice to have their enthusiastic support.

Snarly

You just hit a nerve. I am making yet another list of the events I've been hammered and somehow messed things up. Some really big events. Work, social, me being a guest or date. Uggggggghhhhhhhh

Got to prioritize how the bleep I'm going to apologize or whether bringing it up might do more harm than good.

Some I know will take time and the best I can do is be sober going forward.

Snarly

August252015

Exactly.

Don't go.

I wouldn't have danced with the devil then- and at going on 8 months I do not do it now.

As I say often around here, I am ruthless about the who/what/when/where in my life. I simply do not have nor choose (key word) to make room in my life for anything or anyone who is not 100% supportive of and conducive to my recovery.

You will make your own decision about this. No matter what anyone says, you will either look back at this and feel something like "whew, I just didn't go and I am so glad- it wasn't that big of an event anyway and they're still my friends" or.... "crap, I shouldn't have gone because [ ] happened next." Which is better?

Life comes in and we all have to make decisions and sometimes plans for dealing with situations that involve drinking. I am a-ok around alcohol...but I do not go anywhere or do things with people where it is the (or a main) focus of what we're doing. It's not that it would make me uncomfortable (it doesn't- my AA program is such that the problem has been removed and I work daily on my spiritual fitness to make sure it stays gone)- it is that it wouldn't be fun so why in the world would I spend my time (which is part of a full calendar now!) doing something like that?? If you choose to do this (or anything, later on), have a plan for handling it- ie tell them in advance you don't drink, have water or such constantly handy, and have an exit strategy- and USE it if you needed. Even if you just start getting a little antsy. Don't let that get to a louder, stronger feeling and thought process.

Good luck.

tomsteve

mor importantly is YOU deserve sobering up.

there are many,many musicians that got clean and sober and have maintained it. steven tyler, james taylor,clapton,cooper,eminem,hetfield,keidis,SRV.. ... quite a few I personally thought would die from alcoholism/addiction. . one common denominator with them is they stepped away from the scene to work on their recovery.

ReadyAtLast

Hi Dolandel

I personally wouldn't go. I've a party this weekend which I'm going to excuse myself from for many reasons, one being I do not want to be around people drinking alcohol.

Early recovery is tough enough without putting additional strain and pressure on yourself. Being in the company of another couple around a table who are drinking would be my idea of hell and if you don't drink and they ask why do you really want to go into detail? theh they get a bit tipsy and try and persuade you to 'oh just have one' 'you're not that bad' 'just learn to control it better' 'oh you're fine' 'it's not the same if you're not drinking bud' etc etc

Be honest with yourself-do you REALLY want to go and be in a drinking environment? There is nothing wrong with saying no. In time you'll be fine and be able to do this no problem -have dinner with drinkers and not drink but week 1 in really is very soon

Camery03

Honestly, I don't know what the right answer is here, but I do know one thing is for certain-- if you do go, I wouldn't do the "drink as little and smoke as little as you can trick-- it that worked we'd all be doing it!
As far as going or not, it depends on where you are with your sobriety. I know you are at 5 days, but people are different.
If I went I would be honest and upfront. If these are good friends as you say that they are, they will be supportive and happy for you. Or you could decline the offer and stay home, which is perfectly OK too!
Good luck-- and congrats on 5 days!!!! You have reached a huge milestone!

Anna

I definitely would not go.

And, remember that you are not becoming sober to impress these people, or any other people for that matter. In my opinion, recovery is something you do for yourself and your immediate family. Other people in your life may be pleased to see you are embracing sobriety, but that should not be your goal.