I have made a huge mistake.

Old 09-28-2016, 03:33 AM
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I have made a huge mistake.

I have been looking on here for a few weeks now and I must apologise for the long post but I now feel so adrift with my life that its affecting all that I do.
I was living with an alcoholic for 15years. We both met partying and stayed that way for a few years – it was fun. We got on so well and developed a deep love for each other. Then we had two lovely boys but whilst I grew out of the drinking and going out so much, my bf drank at home. More and more. Then secretly. Then the arguments started. It was such a typical alcoholic relationship… him pouring me glasses of wine that I didn’t want so he could drink guilt free, me finding empty bottles cans all over the house, him lying about how much he had to drink then more rows.
I worked full time in a senior position then would come home and ferry kids to clubs whilst he refused as he was ‘making dinner’ - for me to come home after to find dinner burnt and a bottles/cans drunk and him slurring trying to keep it together. He then lost jobs, decided to stay at home to look after kids so we didn’t have to pay for a childminder. It got worse then… phonecalls from school because he had forgotten to pick them up, him constantly rowing with our eldest child, me becoming more distant. 5 years ago after an absolute horrible couple of months, he had gone out to walk the dog early in the morning, I went to work but had a sneaking suspicion so I went home at 9am to find him passed out on the bed. At that point I phoned his brother to take him as I couldn’t cope anymore and I didn’t want the children to see him like that anymore. At that point he got in the car to drive up to his mums and was arrested for drink driving receiving a 1 year ban.
His mum got in touch with local alcoholic services and he dried out. She removed all alcohol from her house, didn’t allow him access to any money and he had a counsellor support. Then one weekend, his brother took my kids up to see their dad. However, the night before he had done some work for his other brother who gave him £50 so when the kids got there, he wasn’t there. They found him in a shop buying cider. It was awful then.
He apologised and a week later moved in with his dad near me as he said he couldn’t be without us. I said that if he really tried hard we could go out on some date nights and see how we go. Which we did and all seemed well so after 4 months he moved back in and got a job. That’s when it began again. Just two beers on a Friday night, then Saturday, then every night but he seemed to have it under control and despite a few arguments every now and then about it all seemed well. He then took me to Prague on Valentines day to propose. On that very night, I wanted to go back to the hotel room but he wanted to stay out drinking as we didn’t have the kids with us. It led to a very big argument where he told me that it was me who had the problem with his drinking and if we were going to work, I had to get over it. There were tears and apologies but hey we drew a line under it and continued.
At home the drinking got worse. Total binges at the weekend, dry heaving in the morning, sweats, huge rows where it would be all my fault. The kids would come home from school and he would be passed out. He leant against the cooker one night and all I could hear was the ignition switch clicking – had he turned the gas god knows what would have happened. Then I had a late night at work and he was taking the kids swimming. I heard on the phone that he sounded like he had had a drink and asked him but he assured me he was fine to take them. When I got home, he hadn’t taken them as while driving he burst 2 tyres on the car but it was because of a pot hole. A month later, we were out at dinner for a friend birthday… he got so drunk he fell asleep at the table then fell off the chair. These are just a few of the incidents in our final month together.
During all this time I had begged him to get help and he dabbled in AA, went to weekly meetings but never got a sponsor.
After a particular nasty week, I asked him to move out and took him to the train station to move in with his mum. I got finances sorted and looked for rehab places but he didn’t want to waste the money on it. He begged to come back and I said only when he had been sober for a year as we couldn’t live like this anymore.
He moved in to my old house that we were renting out. We had already evicted the tenants as at that point we were going to sell the house for the wedding. He spent Christmas and new year with me and the kids and made lots of promises to everyone that he was done with drinking this time.
However, he soon fell off the wagon, kept wanting to drive the kids but I wouldn’t let him unless he blew into a breathilser which he failed. He then told me I was belittling him and refused to do it anymore but I stuck to my guns on that one. He lost 2 jobs. During that time, he was lovely one week, coming round to house to do jobs promising me the earth, then drinking the next week coming round telling me what a cold hearted bitch I was and a c*** sometimes in front of the kids. I despaired and withdrew more and more until I told him enough was enough, it was over and stop bothering me. I then tried to get on with my life, going out with friends which he hated and I knew he was hurting but everytime I saw him drunk I honestly wanted to kill him for what he was doing.
I suppose why I am writing this is because about 2 months ago, he found a sponsor and started working the programme properly – something I have wanted him to do for so many years. He then said that he had found his higher power and he would never forgive me for what I put him through the last few months. He said that I knew he had a problem yet did nothing to help him, not put my arms around him when he needed me the most and he is now moving on and he wished me well for my future.
This has completely floored me and now I do not know what to do. We had a heart wrenching conversation on the phone today that has left me in pieces. It was more of the same. After 2 months of big book study he is working the steps this weekend and will be out of contact for the kids. He said that I really hurt him and I should have gone to alanon to understand what an alcoholic brain is like so that I could have understood the situation better. I said it was difficult to put my arms around him when he was calling me all the names under the sun, phoning all my friends to tell them how horrible I was and fighting with him not to take the kids in the car. He said that he didn’t have a choice, it’s a disease and although I am learning more about it now, he said its too little, too late. The best we can hope for is to be friends as he now has to focus solely on himself and his recovery so that he can live independently. I was his comfort blanket apparently and if he came back then it would be likely he would slip back to his old ways.
I ended up practically begging for a reconciliation as I truly feel we were always meant to be together – I am completely heartbroken and guilt ridden for my behaviour. I took him back everytime except this last one and now I feel like I have took a gamble on what I was doing and lost. It turns out that I am responsible for our relationship ending and I don’t think I can stand it. Whilst I was breaking down on the phone, he was just telling me that I need to pull myself together, that I am now going through what he went through when I told him it was over. I said that I couldn’t have a life with someone actively drinking… it wasn’t fair anymore on me or the kids. He said that if I truly loved him we could have got through anything. I said that actions speak louder than words and I was waiting for a proper commitment to sobriety.
The guilt and loss is completely consuming me and I feel so sorry for my children. We used to be such a tight loving family unit. We could have had such a wonderful life and now I have ruined it by being a complete bitch and I am really struggling to get to grips with my emotions. Please help xx
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Old 09-28-2016, 03:48 AM
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Hi and welcome! Others with more experience will be along shortly. I just wanted to quickly say that it sure doesn't sound like "recovery" or working any steps to me. Him placing blame and purely manipulating sounds like typical alkie behavior still. I sure wouldn't want you to go back to THAT!
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Old 09-28-2016, 04:08 AM
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Sounds like his recovery is less about him sorting himself out and more about foisting all the blame he can on you - from your post, it seems like you tried your hardest to make this work and put up with some appalling behaviour before calling it quits. Keep strong, don't let his version of reality overshadow your own, and don't blame yourself for the breakdown of the relationship - you did your best to hang on and you're not responsible for his actions
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Old 09-28-2016, 04:29 AM
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So HE'S angry at YOU - that you weren't nice enough while he treated you like crap?
Wow, I'm telling you what, you can do so much better than this!
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Old 09-28-2016, 04:49 AM
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"He said that I knew he had a problem yet did nothing to help him, not put my arms around him when he needed me the most and he is now moving on and he wished me well for my future."

Bovine excrement, times a zillion. With that sentence, he is informing you that his recovery will never be his responsibility and that in fact, he is not in recovery, even if he is dry at the moment.

You did everything you could and more than you should and more than most would. Say good-bye in your head and your heart and move on with a clear conscience.
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Old 09-28-2016, 05:00 AM
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Good lord. He made home for you and the kids a living hell for all those years, and YOU are the one feeling guilty?

Please, PLEASE go to Al-Anon. Contrary to what your idiot of a husband (and yes, there are sober idiots out there--lots of them) says, Al-Anon isn't there to help you "understand the alcoholic brain," it's to understand YOURSELF and to heal, regardless of the state of his drinking/sobriety.

Assuming he actually IS working his program, he's a long, long way from being well.

Your kids have suffered a lot through all of this, too. If there is an Alateen program nearby, they'd probably benefit from that. Alternatively, a counselor or therapist could probably help them.

There are no guarantees he is going to remain sober this time. Your initial position, that you didn't want him back until he had been sober for at least a year, still makes sense. Why would you change that simply because he's no longer begging to come back?

I hope that, in addition to Al-Anon, you will seek counseling, preferably with a therapist who is familiar with the dynamics of alcoholism in the family, and also with abusive relationships. You are not perceiving reality at this time. You are accepting the BS he is feeding you, rather than looking at what actually happened. Re-read your own post about the events that occurred. I see no "bitchiness"--just typical reactions to living in an intolerable situation. You and the children have suffered significant harm over the years. Your fantasy about the wonderful family you could have now is wishful thinking.

And please stick around. There's some great support and a lot of wisdom here.
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Old 09-28-2016, 05:05 AM
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Hi, dailystruggle1, and welcome. You must be heartbroken. Please stay for a while. Lots of experience and wisdom here. Recommend you read the "stickies " posted at the top of the main menu. Good info about the different aspects of alcohol dependency. Someone once said to me, "Sobriety is humble." That can be interpreted in different ways. To me, it means that the drinker recognizes his/her part in things and accepts responsibility. It doesn't sound to me that your partner is there yet. He seems to want to blame you for many things, which, sorry to say, is classic alcoholic behavior. It's always someone elses's fault. The good thing is, he appears to be focusing on his recovery., though not in a way that is positive for you. I do suggest Al-Anon meetings (I am a grateful member, full disclosure.) not for him, for you. Everyone in the Al-Anon rooms has been where you are now. It can help, truly. Good luck. Peace.
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Old 09-28-2016, 05:06 AM
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I also second everything Lexie said. Hugs.
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Old 09-28-2016, 05:20 AM
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I'd like to change the title of your thread from "I have made a huge mistake" to "I was sooo right".

His current behavior only enforces the craziness you were living in. Kudos to you for having the strength to lay down the one year barrier.

In my experience, an A will try different tactics to make things be your fault and get their comfort zone back--or to avoid responsibility. This is simply a different tactic, and it's catching you off guard. Don't let it work. Look at the facts of WHAT REALLY HAPPENED. You don't want that life back. You can't have it back if you're going to do the best by your kids.

He indeed has a long way to go. An A in my life chose true sobriety, and I will tell you it was incredibly humble, accountable, responsible, and apologetic. In short, it was obvious. The blame stopped flying.

Please stick to your guns. I second the Alanon suggestion--it will help you sort yourself out and eliminate your feelings of guilt that you are somehow required to take care of another fully capable adult. He is in charge of his actions, choices, and life. You are in charge of yours.

Hugs to you.
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Old 09-28-2016, 05:22 AM
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Let me ask you something, dailystruggle1. And, please forgive me if I seem brash. Did you act "like a complete bitch" toward him simply because you are a complete bitch? No. I don't think so. Your actions were reactions to continued chaos and emotional detriment he forced into your life and the lives of your children. Your actions were reactions to the pain, hurt, let downs, and lies you were being fed by someone who is supposed to be your better half. Now, we all have had moments where we could have reacted better to our AH's. There is no denying that. However, we did not bring these circumstances on ourselves, therefore we are not to blame.

I wouldn't waste too much of your precious time on playing the blame game. That is an endless game, I promise you. You will not come to a happy conclusion. Your time and energy need to be solely put toward recovery for yourself and your children. As others have stated above, his "recovery" sounds like quite the opposite. He seems to be clinging to alcoholism being a disease, thus his actions are excused. No no no... Not the case at all. He needs help, yes. I hope and pray he does what it takes on his end to really be helped.

Please seek support for yourself and your children. Let what will be, be. Take control of what you can control.
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Old 09-28-2016, 05:46 AM
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I am afraid your Alcoholic sounds so far from self-honesty and into denial at this point, his recovery is far ahead. I am sorry that you are being so manipulated and it is really not his intention. The issue is that for him, it HAS to be YOUR Fault. Without it being your fault, he could no longer justify to himself his drinking. He is just lying to himself. It was a stage I was in at one time and many if not most of us. Slowly, I began to see the truth, though I of course had glimpses of the truth all along. At this point is sounds as he is far from knowing the truth, thus has a bit more of a journey before he finds it. I don't know that you really want to be involved in that part of his journey and it may never end pleasantly. Nothing about his drinking is your fault. Accept that and then look at the situation and find what is best for you and the children. I wish you the best.
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Old 09-28-2016, 06:43 AM
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Do some research on "gaslighting" and "spin doctor" and please try and find an al-anon group and continue to post here.

And by all means, please do not give into your emotions, feelings, guilt right now...........only bad repeated experiences could come of that, right now.
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Old 09-28-2016, 07:20 AM
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Hi Struggle and welcome.
I do not post many replies, but what I read about your partner reminded me so much about me and what I have put mine through. I have been sober a year and made changes, but I do not blame my partner for my behaviour nor do I blame her for not loving me enough. Maybe that will come in time for yours, but also maybe it will not.
Your 'tough love' is important to you and to him. Protect and love yourself and your children first. The recovery part for him is entirely up to him. I know know this is the hard part, because that is what my partner had to do, and I saw the pain that she had to deal with. She covered for me, found the bottles, poured out the bottles, never questioned my excuses and so on ... this did nothing but made me try to lie and hide things better. I don't know what it took for me to choose recovery, but it was something in me that did it. She was tired of how she was living and could do it no longer. Her threats to leave were not enough for me to change.
I don't really have advice except to stay strong and prepare yourself for the outcome that he might never recover. If he does recover, take the time to get to know that person and see if there is a relationship left over for you. My feeling is that it will be some time before he will be in a place for a relationship with you again if that becomes the outcome.
I should end with a hopeful thought. I hate what I have done to my partner and my children. I spent every moment now that I am with them count and have so much gratitude that I found recovery. I found a way back from Hell, but if I didn't, that would be on me.
Stay strong and make your every moment count for you and your children.
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Old 09-28-2016, 07:26 AM
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Omg what a manipulative, delusional a*hole! Sorry but that's the polite version. You did NOTHING wrong. His recovery (and he does not sound recovered in the least) is HIS responsibility, not yours. He put you and your kids through hell. He put your kids in real danger. Getting this active A out of your house was the right and safe thing to do.

now I have ruined it by being a complete bitch
So keeping your kids safe from a drunk driver, from a father who constantly "forgot" to pick them up, who let them find him passed out over and over is a bitch? I'd call her a good and caring mother. Ruined what, a life of chaos, drunk driving, lost jobs, ugly scenes in public, guilt trips, manipulation, endless fights and lies, verbal abuse, one broken promise after another?

Stick to your guns, lady, and refuse the guilt trip. It's typical alcoholic bs. I'm sorry for your pain. I understand this dream you had of a life with him is a painful thing to lose. Sadly, addiction kills a lot of dreams - but there is a lot of life left afterwards and it can be a very good, happy and peaceful life. You deserve that.
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Old 09-28-2016, 07:34 AM
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As a recovering alcoholic, I can tell you that his continuing to blame you shows that he is far from recovery. As was mentioned, signs of recovery will be when he begins to show real humility and starts taking responsibility for his part in all this and for his life in general.

It looks to me like you've bent over backwards trying to make this work. I was once in a relationship with an alcoholic while I was sober. I also tried everything I could to make it work.

When I finally left, he tried everything to get me to take him back one more time. I'd been educating myself on codependency through all of this and gone to Al-Anon a bit and kind of knew what I might expect. Sure enough, first he tried being really sweet. When that didn't work, he tried to make me feel guilty, accusing me of abandoning him and not having any faith in him. Then he got nasty and when that didn't work, he got scary. I continued to refuse contact with him and got a restraining order, and after getting arrested a few times for breaking it while drunk, he finally left me alone.

I now have a far better life than the one I had with him. He never did get sober.

Please stick around here, take care of yourself and your kids and also try Al-Anon; there's lots of support and you'll see you're far from alone.
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Old 09-28-2016, 07:48 AM
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d ailystruggle....alcoholics will almost always blame others for those things that they should take responsibility for.
Just because he is tossing you the "blame" ......Don't Take it!!
It looks like you tried for years to fight a loosing battle.....to try to control something that can't be controlled by you. Only he could have dealt with his alcoholism.

Living in the situation, such as you describe, and trying to do the impossible, will turn anyone into the kind of person they never wanted to be like. You can lose yourself in a situation like this!

Please continue to put yourself and your children's welfare first!
There is no way that living in that situation is good for yourself or them....

another thought...there is no relationship that is "meant to be together". We have free will...and we choose which relationships to be in (as adults)...and we chose which relationships to not be in....
We have choices and we must own the consequences of our decisions...good or bad....

Love, alone, is not enough!! If that were true..most of the people on this forum would not be here...lol....
In life, we don't always get to keep those we love. sometimes, loving from a distance is the best that is possible.

I encourage you to get support for yourself....to helo you with your healing and grieving. This is just too much to walk alone.

You didn't cause it. You can't control it. And, you can't fix it...

Just because he says something doesn't make it true!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 09-28-2016, 06:50 PM
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Hang in there - I second everyone, you did nothing to cause his drinking.

I, too, felt like "I made a mistake" few too many times and I had to pull out "reasons I am divorcing him" list

You are responding to behaviour - anyone whose children are endangered by an alcoholic is bound to be very frustrated.

My XAH was doing ok for a while - and when he was visiting with DS in my house (where we used to live together), the sh@t hit the fan - he went from complaining about his current living conditions at his brothers (very cluttered, large dogs, not too clean), to urging me to see my role in deterioration of our marriage, calling me a B word...all his old behaviour. Thank goodness my son did not hear it. Threatened to leave a few times which would upset DS - I told him to do what he feels is right, and he never left. So basically he was pitching a big ole fit and I refused to react. I did tell him that if he is going to use foul language, he has to leave. No sir.

I am asking him to have supervised visits elsewhere going forward. It is taking me a few days to recover......
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Old 09-29-2016, 01:43 AM
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Thank you so much

I would like to thank each and every one of you for your messages whilst I was having my melt down yesterday - it really did help and some even made me chuckle which I haven't done for a while. When he phoned me those 2 months ago to say that he had found his higher power and was now with people who understood him and were helping him I felt so awful about should I have done more. Then he text me a photo of some pages in the big book about how if someone was diagnosed with cancer that everyone felt sorry for them and tried to help but not so with the alcoholic who is also suffering from a disease. That really struck a chord with me as my dad was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer in Feb with 6 months to live (thankfully he is on a clinical trial now and is still with us). When I look back, that diagnosis was devastating for all my family and took a lot to get my head around it. However, the months following my focus was still on AP - it has really messed with my head.

At the end of July I could feel myself drowning. I went to the doctors and was put on antidepressants. A friend of mine recommended a therapist and I started seeing him three weeks ago. The first two sessions were more of a 'getting to know' me and the situation and last week we started working on some CBT. One of my tasks this week was to stop googling about alcoholism whilst I am at work, when I find myself doing it, to get up out of my office and do something else. Clearly this is not working as here I am but I will leave the office after I have typed this. I did google 'gaslighting' at atalose recommendation and that was an eye opener. All those years of subtle comments 'what are you talking about? Have you listened to yourself? You're making it up! You're going mad! I haven't been drinking! You're the one with the problem! Look at everything I have done around the house' I used to say I would live in a slum with him as long as he was sober and happy.

Last night, I had to take eldest to football then went to see a friend and had another little cry and a glass of wine! (I am not good in my own company at the minute). When I got into bed, I realised that he hadn't even rung to see how I was when he clearly knew how upset I had been. Then this morning I got a call. I didn't pick up. Then i had a text message: 'hope you're ok. I don't like to think of you upset' I haven't responded. I don't know what to respond. I don't know what I think anymore and am going around in circles. I want to cling on, I want him to cuddle me and tell me everything is going to be alright like he used to. Then I want to man up and tell him how dare he just cast me aside like the last 15 years meant nothing and how he has to 'forget the past' as nothing can be done about it and how he has to focus on his future.

Some weeks back I read on a thread here about a book called 'co-dependent no more' I ordered it and started reading it but it has just made me think I should have gone about everything a different way as many of the stories seemed to be about people who changed their behaviours whilst in the relationship to a successful outcome. I have thrown away that chance.

Even while I am typing this I want to bang my head against a wall. I don't know this person I have become. I used to be a strong woman. Successful career (which he says I wouldn't have had unless it was for him supporting me), 2 beautiful boys, a lovely house (which he put 15 years of blood, sweat and toil into) and independent. I do not recognise myself anymore and am struggling to see any light at the end of the tunnel. I have thought about alanon... there are two meetings a week in my area but I figured that it would be for people who are currently living with an alcoholic and as I haven't been for nearly a year, I didn't know if it would be appropriate. A whole year!!! I should be moving forward like he is, not sliding backward!

Friends say time will heal and I truly hope so as this is a living hell. Thank you again everyone.
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Old 09-29-2016, 01:54 AM
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Hello ds1,

The good news is...you don't have to decide your future course of action right now, this very second! You are allowed to take your time, work with your therapist, and decide the best way to proceed for you.

Yes, Al-Anon would be appropriate for you!! I never lived with my alcoholic/addict stepson and I was welcomed with open arms

Sending hugs and prayers for you and your boys!!
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Old 09-29-2016, 03:18 AM
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Yes, Al-Anon is TOTALLY appropriate. And many of the most wonderful success stories I know are of people who did NOT wind up in a successful relationship with the alcoholic, but rather built their own beautiful lives on their own, as whole and happy people. You will meet some of those people on this forum and in Al-Anon. Stick with the therapy, too. And remember, just because an alcoholic isn't drinking doesn't make him someone in his right mind. I wouldn't take seriously ANYTHING he says at this point.
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