Expanding

A friend of my mine had a run in with my ex at a very large, public event. I was invited but thankfully I had declined... at any rate apparently he was completely blitzed and the new girl (who was introduced as his FRIEND) felt the need to bring me up and say she was upset because, "she doesn't even know me but she hates me".

Wow. Okay... if only she knew that I actually don't hate her but have great sympathy, for I know the depth of the lack of self esteem that is needed to settle for a life of carting around an active drinker, letting him have his way with me and still be called his friend.

I just got in from a great experience at the gym, a new one I joined closer to where I live now and I am really happy with how things have been progressing for me. Of course there's nothing for me to do but let it go, but again with being misunderstood... who knows what he is saying or how he is portraying things that would make her think I hate her.

She doesn't have a f*cking clue.

gbriezy

This is very inspiring for me to hear right now. So glad you are seeing things clearly. If she sticks around, he's going to treat her the same or worse than he treated you. You're right, all you can feel is sympathy for the poor girl.

FireSprite

I'm not getting it - confirmation of what exactly? Honestly, I'm wondering what kind of friend brings this kind of gossip right to you? And how can you know what was EXACTLY said when you weren't there to hear it yourself? You don't know how your name came up in that conversation - you weren't there to read tone or body language.

With all due respect, I don't hear sympathy Expanding, I hear a lot of (understandable) anger threatening to become bitterness. I'm sorry if that sounds blunt or unsupportive..... I just don't think it *is* supportive to pretend that this is a healthy interchange, you know? Your "friend" isn't being friendly if they are putting your Ex in your face all the time & you aren't being kind to yourself if you invite it. That's not detachment or keeping to your side of the street, ya know?

My friends had a hard time with this at first & would continue to say things like, "I know you don't wanna hear this BUT....." and I would hold up a hand - NO. No but. If you are my friend you will honor my wishes to not speak about x,y,z in front of me & not finish that sentence. If you can't, then we need to reexamine our friendship because you aren't being a friend when you say things knowing that they will hurt me.

What did you walk away with confirmation of? That addicts lie? You already knew that. That he'll likely say anything to the new girl just to paint himself in a better light? Not new information. That she's already enmeshed in his disease? Yawn. How did you grow from this?

AnvilheadII

not to be callous, but WHO CARES what SHE thinks about you or global warming??? why let someone you do not even know rent space in your head?

if you want to be FREE then it will be up to you to REFUSE any updates. they serve ZERO purpose, except to keep you attached.

firebolt

Yeah, that's pretty sad for her.

Can you tell your friend you don't need a play by play? We already dedicated too much head space to them and their illness, and THAT is our illness! I'm SO glad you are moving on, happy and working on you...and that you see that situation for what it is!

alwayscovering

I wouldn't worry about it. I used to worry all the time about what kind of lies that my husband's ex was telling people about me. I even had friends that were acquaintances that would tell me she said this or that.

After our first year of marriage I decided that no matter what I did, she was going to tell lies about me. It didn't matter. I started doing what Firesprite ended up having to do. Just put your hand up and say, I don't want to know. They will stop eventually.

Nothing you do will change what he says about you.

Who cares? If she's not relevant to you-it doesn't matter what she says or thinks.

MIRecovery

When people can no longer control you they try to control other's perceptions of you. My experience has been it is not long before others realize the game they are playing and lose what little respect they had for the abuser

dandylion

Well...he is probably talking trash about you to her.....(they almost always do to put themselves in a better l ight)...

And, why in the world would you "love" her...
Yes, I know it sounds sooo altruistic to have soft feelings for the other people in our EX's lives....but..lets get real!

Expanding

Great job at spotting the anger, there was definitely anger there. I despise it when people put words in my mouth or assign emotions to me that are so off base it's ridiculous. It feels like the old sick game of "I know what you're thinking/feeling"

There's a part of me that's still taking all the blame, so until I work that out I will always feel that in some way this was all my fault and that something is entirely wrong with me. It's a natural reflex, and something that actually came up in therapy the next day. Rereading this paragraph just sounds silly, I logically know it's not my fault but it's an ingrained habit that goes way back to when I was a baby.

This is the first time she has come to me with something so I'll let her know it's pointless and I'm sure it'll stop. It's interesting to hear these things after more time has passed and I'm in a different place. It does make me question some things, especially since I was told right after I was surrounded by happy, light people. The contrast between "old friends" and "new friends" was very noticeable

AnvilheadII

i am by nature a people pleaser.....i still have the NEED for people to LIKE me. if not outright fall at my feet in adoration. now in many respects this can be a GOOD trait.....it serves me well in the work place, i have developed lots of good relations with many people in many depts that i can simply call and say hi this is Anvil..........

but it can also be to my detriment. there are times, believe it or not, when people do NOT respond to me with enthusiastic puppy love. not everyone GETS me, or jives with my personality. one of those is my own boss......actually my last two female bosses. i can't WIN them over. but they love the work i do............which if i'm honest isn't "enough".

we don't eradicate parts of us.....we learn to live with them, manage them, and try not to let them control me. it's a process.

always remember dear Expanding....PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION.