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Join Date: Sep 2016
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New to this.....
My wife and I have been together for 10 yrs. In that 10 yrs we have had 4 beautiful girls one of which (the first) past away at 11 months. My wife was always a drinker which I thought it was a phase as such that I went through. This is her second attempt at sobriety. She has been in a rehab facility in AZ. For 42 out of 60 days. The last week or so she has been questioning if she is Capableof loving or even being loved. I am going out this weekend to see her. She is excited as am I. I love this woman with all my heart even though at times I haven't shown it because we'll the alcohol has gotten in the way. I have learned that I can not control the outcome of our relationship but I do not want to let go. We have agreed to counseling both separate and together to try to make this work. But as of late I have been having massive anxiety attacks to the point I can not focus on work. Any suggestions anyone go through something like this??
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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[QUOTE=Kuhndog80;6150864]My wife and I have been together for 10 yrs. In that 10 yrs we have had 4 beautiful girls one of which (the first) past away at 11 months. My wife was always a drinker which I thought it was a phase as such that I went through. This is her second attempt at sobriety. She has been in a rehab facility in AZ. For 42 out of 60 days. The last week or so she has been questioning if she is Capableof loving or even being loved. I am going out this weekend to see her. She is excited as am I. I love this woman with all my heart even though at times I haven't shown it because we'll the alcohol has gotten in the way. I have learned that I can not control the outcome of our relationship but I do not want to let go. We have agreed to counseling both separate and together to try to make this work. But as of late I have been having massive anxiety attacks to the point I can not focus on work. Any suggestions anyone go through something like this??? BTW she is fully on board for recovery she says she wants it more than anything but doesn't know if she will be good enough for me or our three kids. Both want marriage to work obviously alot of work need to be done but I think she is afraid of losing me and doesn't know if she wants to put forth effort or open up incase I do want to divorce her which is not the case. This is the one thing I have wanted.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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First off, I am very sorry for the loss of a child you have experienced. I imagine that it has made this journey all the more difficult. That said, it sounds like you can really benefit from going to Alanon. Are you familiar with the group? I have had to try a few before I found my "home" group. Now I love going and I have actually learned how to go through the battle while keeping my own anxiety at bay.
When my Abf started his cycle of relapse almost a year ago, for the first several months - almost up to the year, I suffered from terrible panic attacks and each time he fell off the wagon, I was thrown into an enormous state of anxiety. Like you, I could no longer focus on work and saw my career greatly suffer. Sure I would show up to my job, but I spent most days in a daze wondering how I could control what might happen to him, and to us. I planned, I wondered, I watched the phone like a hawk. All while my emails piled up and my focus completely gone.
Both Alanon and a great therapist (in addition to a lot of audio books!), helped me understand and accept that no matter what, I could not control the outcome of my A's behavior. That no matter how much I worried, how late I stayed up at all hours of the night in a state of dread, I could NOT control one thing my A would do. Not only is accepting that hard for the A because you care for them and want them to be better, it became difficult for me to accept that we may just not make it. That we may never be the couple we use to be. Going to dinner and laughing, shopping trips, errands. That there was nothing I could do to prevent the union should it become too bad to stay.
Get yourself to Alanon, find a good counselor (for you only), and start to treat YOURSELF. We sometimes become so bogged down with the addict, we lose site of the fact that we too are suffering. *hugs*
When my Abf started his cycle of relapse almost a year ago, for the first several months - almost up to the year, I suffered from terrible panic attacks and each time he fell off the wagon, I was thrown into an enormous state of anxiety. Like you, I could no longer focus on work and saw my career greatly suffer. Sure I would show up to my job, but I spent most days in a daze wondering how I could control what might happen to him, and to us. I planned, I wondered, I watched the phone like a hawk. All while my emails piled up and my focus completely gone.
Both Alanon and a great therapist (in addition to a lot of audio books!), helped me understand and accept that no matter what, I could not control the outcome of my A's behavior. That no matter how much I worried, how late I stayed up at all hours of the night in a state of dread, I could NOT control one thing my A would do. Not only is accepting that hard for the A because you care for them and want them to be better, it became difficult for me to accept that we may just not make it. That we may never be the couple we use to be. Going to dinner and laughing, shopping trips, errands. That there was nothing I could do to prevent the union should it become too bad to stay.
Get yourself to Alanon, find a good counselor (for you only), and start to treat YOURSELF. We sometimes become so bogged down with the addict, we lose site of the fact that we too are suffering. *hugs*
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Location: Western US
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Welcome Kuhndog80. I am so glad you found us.
it sounds like you really have been through the mill. I second what Smarie said. This is SUPER difficult stuff you are dealing with. A counselor and/or doc might be able to help you.
Big hug to you and let us know how it goes.
it sounds like you really have been through the mill. I second what Smarie said. This is SUPER difficult stuff you are dealing with. A counselor and/or doc might be able to help you.
Big hug to you and let us know how it goes.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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Well we did our 2 fifteen minute phone talks last night. She says she is super excited to see me and have to admit I also am excited to see her. This is the longest we have been away from each otheroom even though I was in the military. She then brought up about how she was 150% sure our marriage can work and wants to work on it which really made me happy from where she was a week ago. But I am not sure if she meant it or if she was setting me up for her next question.
She told me that the over the past dY the urges are coming back and she is using the blocking method. She know there she has no. Choice but when she gets out unsure if she can resist. She says she wants it to stick she doesn't want to put the family through this again but she is talking another 30 days 2300 miles away from me and the girls. She is thinking 30 days sober living there. Albeit there really is no sober living around here for a good 45 min but it is really affecting the our girls being without their mother. The oldest who has actually been the strongest one of not saying anything came home the other day saying she felt sick. A little later said she misses mama. I laid on the couch with her for 15 min consoling her at which time she said she felt better.
As I said I am flying out tomorrow to discuss options but unsure of what to do. I know I want my wife's sobriety as does she but my kids are suffering as well. Between a rock and a hard place. I have ever been going to Alan on. Small group other are 45 to 1.5 hrs away and with 3 kids not easy task. The group is also kinda new at best 4 yrs in the program. Counsler said I would want some one 10-20 yrs in.
She told me that the over the past dY the urges are coming back and she is using the blocking method. She know there she has no. Choice but when she gets out unsure if she can resist. She says she wants it to stick she doesn't want to put the family through this again but she is talking another 30 days 2300 miles away from me and the girls. She is thinking 30 days sober living there. Albeit there really is no sober living around here for a good 45 min but it is really affecting the our girls being without their mother. The oldest who has actually been the strongest one of not saying anything came home the other day saying she felt sick. A little later said she misses mama. I laid on the couch with her for 15 min consoling her at which time she said she felt better.
As I said I am flying out tomorrow to discuss options but unsure of what to do. I know I want my wife's sobriety as does she but my kids are suffering as well. Between a rock and a hard place. I have ever been going to Alan on. Small group other are 45 to 1.5 hrs away and with 3 kids not easy task. The group is also kinda new at best 4 yrs in the program. Counsler said I would want some one 10-20 yrs in.
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If she feels she needs sober living, by all means don't stand in her way. Most newly sober people just out of rehab are not a picnic to be around anyway, and this will give her a chance to deal with life on the outside before she steps back into family life. Even though it doesn't seem that way, her continuing on for another month will probably be less disruptive in the long run than if she comes home too soon.
And as far as the length of time in the program, I assume you are talking about a sponsor? Anyone who has worked the steps with a sponsor of his/her own is qualified to sponsor someone else. If you see someone who fits that category and who "has what you want," no reason to hold out for someone with more time in.
And as far as the length of time in the program, I assume you are talking about a sponsor? Anyone who has worked the steps with a sponsor of his/her own is qualified to sponsor someone else. If you see someone who fits that category and who "has what you want," no reason to hold out for someone with more time in.
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K it takes time for the urges to drink to go die down, so if your AW feels she needs to stay longer, listen to her. You're in this for the long game, and if she comes home before she's ready, there's the danger of relapse.
Is there some way you can mitigate this with the kids? Skype, or explaining carefully how important it is for Mum to get well?
Her wanting to stay long is a good sign, although it will hurt for a while.
Is there some way you can mitigate this with the kids? Skype, or explaining carefully how important it is for Mum to get well?
Her wanting to stay long is a good sign, although it will hurt for a while.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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K, when my wife finally went away to rehab, she ended up staying 60 days. the first 30 days were basically her detoxing. It takes a long time for the effects of alcohol to really leave the brain. The initial period in rehab it's a blur. It's almost impossible to do any real work on oneself during that period. I went to visit her twice during her stay. Once at the beginning and once at the end. I can't tell you the difference in her between the two visits.
but everyone is different and takes their own path. If she wants to stay longer, then by all means, she should. you shouldn't influence her decision at all. it's hard on the girls. I have daughters too. some couldn't wait for her to return. Others never wanted to see her again. in the long run, though, a healthy mom is better no matter how long it takes.
but everyone is different and takes their own path. If she wants to stay longer, then by all means, she should. you shouldn't influence her decision at all. it's hard on the girls. I have daughters too. some couldn't wait for her to return. Others never wanted to see her again. in the long run, though, a healthy mom is better no matter how long it takes.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
K,
Remember, she is working on herself so she can get well.. You need help also. It does no good if she comes back a different person and you still have all your issues and resentments. I know you have a lot on your plate, please reach out if you can. This is something you need. Hugs my friend!!
Remember, she is working on herself so she can get well.. You need help also. It does no good if she comes back a different person and you still have all your issues and resentments. I know you have a lot on your plate, please reach out if you can. This is something you need. Hugs my friend!!
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