Snarly

Hi all,
This is not my first attempt at being sober as I was in bad shape after I got out the the Marines.

I did stay sober 9 years and attended countless AA meetings. This enabled me to graduate college and eventually get married and have 2 health daughters.

Fast forward ......job loss led to financial nightmares, add 9/11, and finally divorce. Started drinking and controlled it for some time.

Lost another job and it have not found another. I started drinking during the day and it has spiraled out of control.

I have had some nasty events leading to restraining order so I cant see my kids, drunken blackouts, etc.

What kicked my ass is how quickly my body is screaming at me. Started throwing up green stuff, can't hold food down, lost crazy weight, blood pressure high, etc. (Yes I have see a Doctor).

9/11 tears me apart. I worked on Broadway and saw planes and lost close friends. This year it all got to me. I can see the Twin towers from my apartment. I went on the worst bender I have ever had and didnt stop until last Tuesday.

I had a moment of clarity and realized that I am killing myself. I stopped cold and have had the worst few days of my life. Today is the first day I'm not shaky, hot/cold and feel like eating.

So if you got this far....thanks for reading....now a few questions:

I turned off my phone. I am more concerned about me reaching out and saying something stupid. (IM almost got me arrested for violating restraining order). Is this ok?

I have been writing and trying to set some rules to get me through the next few days. My main one is to stay inside and avoid people in general. My house is the guy party cave so I really need to stop that.
People keep buzzing the front door, but I am not answering...Is this ok?

A couple of guys are over almost every night.....they are hard core and I know I have to end it. How?

Thanks again,
Snarly

Anna

I'm glad you're ready to deal with the alcoholism and to live a sober life.

Anything you do to enable yourself to get and stay sober is okay. Do whatever it takes.

Here are lots of ideas from members on what they did:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

Wtbaf16

Hi Snarly,

Glad you're here with us. It seems like you've gone thru a lot of stuff in your life but it is now time to help yourself. Stay with us here for support, you're going to need it. In answer to your question,

No, it is not OK to violate your restraining order. No IM no calling. Keep away from the phone and the bottle.

This is your life. Let people knock on the door all they want. You just don't answer. Keep the party boys away - they are all probably in the same boat as you so they cannot help you on this journey. Once you've laid low for a while you should tell them that you're going to clean up your act and that they'll have to pick another place to party. It may mean staying away from these friends for a while. But again, this is your life, it's worth fighting for and possibly losing friends who may not be supportive.

Focus on yourself first. Once you have clarity of thought you can address the family issue soberly.

Good luck to you.

january161992

sounds like aa was really working for you like it has really worked for me

im chairing (the speaker) at a big social meeting tonight ... dont do it often ... kinda nervous because im selfish and self centered and its always about me me me

hope you decide to go back to meetings

God bless

Snarly

Wtbaf,

Thank you for you quick response and the answers I needed.

Can I ask a couple of related questions?

Phone: I shut it off and hid it as IM has caused me a lot of problems. ( I also shut down facebook after my divorce as my lawyer said it would be used against me). I know IM is dangerous, but ideally when should I turn on my phone?

Knocking on door: I live in a 20 unit condo with a common locked front entrance. I happen to live in the front corner unit with exposed windows directly next to the security door.... so the knocking is 2 parts:
Buzzing: I am ok not answering.
Knocking on the INSIDE front door: other tenants are always letting people in common area. So, someone knocking on my actual front door can hear me...what to do?

Paarty Boys: 2 of them literally just knocked on my front window. Cant see me but....what do I do?

Thanks!
Snarly

Ooona

Just dont answer the door or phone right now if thats what you have to do to stay protected. Like unwelcome solicitors they will eventually give up!

Can you call your local AA Intergroup office and ask for someone to come see you, a 12 step call, a ride to a meeting? Something to get you out of there as much as you can so you arent there for the knocking and visiting and around sober supportive people. Do you have any of the contacts from your 9 years in program that you could call, an old sponsor etc?

Eventually and once you have some sober time, it sounds like some PTSD work with a professional sounds like it would benefit you around the 9/11 issues ya know?

Anna

You don't have to open your door if you don't want to.

Wtbaf16

Hi Snarly,

It seems like a week away might be needed here. Is it possible to disappear for a while? Airbnb do some great inexpensive deals. If you are so easily accessible to people it is going to make this difficult task even more difficult. Just getting away from this will help your recovery. Just a thought.

My answer to your questions.

Turning on your phone. Unless you're expecting an urgent call keep it off. You can check for urgent messages once or twice a day but otherwise don't make calls. Just get away from it.

Ignore all buzzing and knocking. Again, unless you have invited someone over just ignore it. Stay away from the Windows. Even if someone hears that you are inside, ignore them. No one can prove you're in so don't worry.

Soberwolf

Hello Snarly

Snarly

But in the last few days I have been having extreme emotional swings and absolutely terrified when I hear the door buzzer or a knock.

I am a very social person and normally I'm the guy people turn to for help. So it was (and is) very difficult for me to do this. Even in my past experience with AA - it seems like a foggy dream.

Not emotions I am used to experiencing.

Sitting here reading other posts and interacting with this site has been the most productive i have been in a week. Except for the countless lists I have made ie "Rules for leaving the House", People I need to avoid, Amends to made (to just about everyone)...etc

Thanks,
Snarly

Snarly

I was looking at cheap flights earlier more of wishful thinking.
In my current physical shape I can barely get around my apartment so it might be a few days.

Also my brain is still USMC hardwired - "first to fight" so the thought of leaving is just as bad.

Thanks again - spot on answers and advice.
Snarly

Zanna

Hi Snarly You know what will happen, if you let these people in right now. You say you're starting to feel better - why put yourself through those first days yet again? Believe me, I've just done it and it's not fun.
You say you're the person people turn to, but you can't help people, if you don't look after yourself first.
I repeat, you KNOW what will happen, if you let them in.
Look after yourself.

Z.
PS Actually, have you considered rehab? Would get you away from the situation, help you and also show the courts that you mean business. Just a thought.

Snarly

Zanna,

Exactly the reason I need to not answer the door. I am going to print this and put it on the door as a physical "STOP and step away".

Ironic that you repeated "you know what will happen" because that is at the core of my brain battle over what normally would be a simple "just don't answer the door".

Sorry for your relapse, but your answer really helped me.

Thanks, Snarly

Zanna

You're very welcome I'm back on day two... I don't recommend it.
Take care x

Snarly

I did it.

I put a big Stop sign on my door and another list of why not to answer.... and another next to it on what to do if I leave the house.

Some reason I am obsessed with making lists, refining, and rewriting.

Probably ties into my background in project management...suprised I haven't started a spreadsheet.

I love this icon... that's me getting hit constantly to remind me alcohol is bad for my health and even worse for my relationships.

Snarly

Windancer

Hi Snarly. Welcome to SR. It is a wonderful community and I hope you stick around. I am only newly sober myself so I don't think I should give too much advice lol other than to post, post, and post some more on here. And consider AA again.

Hevyn

You can reclaim your life, Snarly. I'm happy you found us - we all understand what you're going through.

DolAndel

Sounds like you're doin some good work, Snarly. Good to have ya here.

Snarly

Its 2 AM and I am not even close to getting to sleep. ughhhhh

Shakes and sweats and cold chills have returned.... I hoped I was over that.

I really appreciate you all taking the time to respond today.

There were a couple of knocks on the door tonight and I did not panic. I looked at the signs I put on my door and kept on reading other topics on this site.

A couple of my drinking buddies were outside my window making their dogs bark. They know this drives me nuts - but I did not take the bait. Normally I would have opened the window and made some kind of joking rude remark. Nope - did not even go near the window.

I wonder when their wives will figure somethings up. As much as they resent me I know they like it when their husbands are out of the house. It won't be long before they start knocking to have me let their husbands back in.

I posted to the Class of September thread and kept going back every time I had this insane urge to make a couple of calls.

I decided that posting to this site is better than the risk of making those calls. So phone is still in pieces uncharged.

Thanks again,
Snarly

Soberwolf

Good job Snarly hopefully the night sweats will go soon & eventually the insomnia will lessen too I still remember early sobriety waking up drenched thinking what is going on ?? it will go bud

Stick with us & early congrats on a week sober it's 7.30am where I am (London UK)