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How to be a better listener?

Old 09-25-2016, 08:33 PM
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How to be a better listener?

Being a drunk really sucked.

First of all, I clearly remember talking A LOT and not remembering about what or with whom I was talking when I was drinking. I can't remember what I would talk about, but I remember doing a lot of it. Every day was guesswork as to who I may have offended the night before.

The more I stay sober, the more I realize that I constantly talk over people, it is a nervous habit for me and I can't quite put my finger on why I have this compulsion. It might be that I am afraid of people opening up to me. I don't really know. I just want to feel more comfortable around people and to make people feel more comfortable sharing with me...and know they are being heard.

Has anyone gone through this during recovery? Any suggestions on how one can be a better listener? How to become more engaged in the lives of others?
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Old 09-25-2016, 08:58 PM
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to me listening is all about focusing on the other person...really hearing what they have to say, and learning to be ok with silences.

It's a skill like anything else, I think - takes a little time and practice.

I worked out a long time ago sometimes people just want a shoulder to lean on, not a fix up, or a solution.

D
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Old 09-25-2016, 09:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post

I worked out a long time ago sometimes people just want a shoulder to lean on, not a fix up, or a solution.

D
Absolutely.

Also FEELING people versus just reacting to their words is important.

Try to see how long you can go without talking about yourself in a conversation. I love to tell stories, jokes, and ramble, but I have to check myself and see....is this entetaining me and my partner/ friend...or am I just gratifying myself? If I am just gratifying myself then I stop, create a space for my partner/ friend to speak...and take some time to just listen, only asking very short questions, maybe just making eye contact and letting them talk.
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Old 09-25-2016, 11:14 PM
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If you are learning to not speak over people, how about starting with questions instead of statements. Try asking questions about the other person and then pausing to listen to the answer.
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Old 09-26-2016, 12:51 AM
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Originally Posted by Meraviglioso View Post
If you are learning to not speak over people, how about starting with questions instead of statements. Try asking questions about the other person and then pausing to listen to the answer.
This. And make them open ended questions to encourage the other person to talk freely instead of just answering yes or no or something quick.
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Old 09-26-2016, 01:43 AM
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I can suggest three things three things Pouncer. The first has two parts. First, examine your intentions. Take 15 minutes alone and think about why you tend to interrupt people as they speak. Really nail it down. Is it in fact because you are "afraid of people opening up" to you? If so, what are you afraid of? There's allot to consider here so give yourself enough time to understand this.

The second part of examining your intentions is to focus on your motivation is for any specific conversation. Do you want to get to know someone better? Look good? Impress someone you want something from, such as a job, sex, a business deal. Do you perhaps want to help them? When you examine (and clearly understand) your intentions you will come to understand yourself a bit better and become a little more focused.

Second use reflective listening. People like confirmation that they are being understood. You can say things like "Let me make sure I've got this right, you're saying XYZ. Correct?" It just shows you are listening and understand what is being said.

Third ask questions about the person you are speaking with. Asking questions shows you are concerned about that person. It also shows you don't need to be the center of attention. Some of the people that I care most about routinely ask me the most pointed questions. The care they have shown by doing so is a fundamental part of an ongoing good relationship.
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Old 09-26-2016, 02:46 AM
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People tend to get antsy if you talk to them for longer than 45 seconds - 1 minute without giving them a chance to respond, conversationally. If you are telling a lot of stories longer than this it might feel like you are monopolizing the conversation?

When you talk over someone, is it like you are eagerly trying to validate whatever is attempting to be said? Or is it more like you are trying to redirect the conversation?

Musicians like to say that sometimes silence is the most profound thing you can add....when you think you might be talking a bit much, maybe concentrate on your breathing to help keep calm?

What about listening to other sounds as well? Listen to some music, some birds, the wind or a river or something? That could help you in finding your listening posture.

My last thought, are you able to quiet your own internal voice? If you can't turn the voice in your head off, it'll be harder to quiet the one outside your head. We all deserve a break from our own internal tyrannizations. Meditation can help in gaining some measure of internal peace.

Good luck!
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Old 09-26-2016, 03:40 AM
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I love the line, "Get the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth." Great post and it is something I suffer from as well
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Old 09-26-2016, 12:58 PM
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An old piece of advice used to be "breathe through the nose".
Which slows down the mouth and relaxes the mind
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Old 09-26-2016, 01:55 PM
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Listening, or what some people refer to as "active listening," has gone a long way in helping me to succeed in my work and in my personal life. One thing that I've learned is that not everyone wants to be heard, particularly those who'd prefer that you not remember what they've said or written.

I never had any formal training in listening, but if you're interested in helping people in distress, then you ought not to be paying your bills or texting while they're opening their hearts to you. Though there are exceptions.

So I don't have any tips. A sense of humor helps, except for the guy who makes a joke out of everything. Nobody listens to him anymore.

A sense of perspective may also help. As well as an awareness of the context in which you're conversing.

When someone's looking for support, IRL, it's often not a good idea to tell them how much you or someone you know has suffered throughout their lives in response to their telling you about their present sorrows. Doing so often has the effect of the other person feeling as though she's been silenced. Or at least the sense that you think that her problems may not be as important as yours or someone else's. Let context be your guide.

Unless it's absolutely necessary to do so, I never interrupt. The more someone speaks, the more she lets you know who she is, even revealing things that she'd rather you didn't know about her, without knowing that she's doing that very thing.

People who listen will usually "remember that time when we were talking about emojis?" You won't have to remind them of a conversation that was important to you at the time. Then again, there are people who shut down when listening to someone who cannot control the content or the volume and amount of their own speech. No matter how important, the conversation will be forgotten as soon as the two people officially disengage.

There are also people who possess an irritating way of speaking that simply cannot be ignored, and that can overwhelm the content of their speech. If the person is someone you care about, better to find a way to listen rather than wait for her to get speech lessons, even as the figurative ice pick is being driven through one or the other eyeball. It's simply not right to fault people for either natural or acquired disabilities.

I also believe that we all know when someone is not listening to us. When this happens, you might try redirecting their attention by saying something like "Your pants are on fire." Like when a guy is sitting across from a woman on a first date, and his elbow is resting on the table at a 45 degree angle to his face, with a clenched fist touching his face, indicating that he's sincere about taking in your every word when, in reality, he couldn't care less. There is absolutely no cause for sitting, let alone conversing in this position. His blushing at his own secret disinterest in what you're saying, or as q result of his own prurient thoughts is a bonus red flag in this particular pose.

That's all I got, for now.
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Old 09-27-2016, 11:34 AM
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Lots of wonderful, thought-provoking responses...need some time to digest it all
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