One Month post Break-up

Old 09-25-2016, 08:17 PM
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One Month post Break-up

People I know are still learning of the break-up so naturally they inquire as to what happened. Those who are closer to me would already have some what of an inkling as to my ex's drug/alcohol problem but many who are still finding out do not know our history as well (6 years together and much of it damaged by drugs/alcohol). I am finding that I feel some guilt with telling people, when they ask why we aren't together, that my ex had a drug problem. Sometimes it seems to come naturally to be honest and matter of fact about it but without too much detail, but I am starting to feel a little weird that people I am not that close to now know.
To be honest, I think the reason I am suddenly feeling guilt about it is that I ran into my ex after several weeks of no contact and some of those old feelings came back. As usual it made me consider (or hope) that someday things may be different (mostly because he says things that suggest it may not be over if he were to address his problems, but hes not doing that so far). I think seeing him reopened the wound and makes me wish things were different. Somehow this seems to be connected to me regretting telling people the truth. I start to wonder if its a subconscious desire to be back together with him someday and to not want everyone to know his addiction or judge me based on it. I know how dysfunctional that is to even consider. Having seen and talked to him for a few minutes just made me miss him even more. At the same time I know I do not want to be back with him while he is using so I feel conflicted. I get strong urges to get a hold of him and talk. I'd love to be able to hug him and have a real conversation but I have been able to refrain because realistically I know nothing has changed.
Instead of acting on any of these urges I figured I would come write on the forums and see if I can get any more insight into my guilt about telling people he has a drug problem or if anyone has had similar experiences/emotions.
Thanks
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Old 09-25-2016, 09:29 PM
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I didn't tell many people about my ex's drug addiction, but the few people I did tell, I regretted it. My neighbor and I became pretty close when he left- she was emphatic that she wouldn't take sides, and that she wanted to be of help to me and my two sons. She started prying, and I felt comfortable enough to tell her everything. She seemed to believe me until a few weeks later when my X got in touch with her husband and told a completely different story. Ever since that moment, I haven't been able to tell her a thing- everything is met with, "Well there's two sides to every story." Yes- the truth, and a lie! It drives me crazy- makes me want to bust out my stack of paperwork showing he forged my signature, drained my bank account, the social worker report, everything. But I won't. I'm done trying to make people see who he really is. I tried for years to show his family, and then I tried and failed in mediation. Only time will tell. He'll test positive or do something stupid- something he can't whitewash. And if these people come to me with apologies, I'll accept them graciously and then have nothing to do with them ever again.

That's my story.

As for letting him back into your life, please let him prove himself FIRST. It rarely works the other way. Addicts need to discover an entirely new way of living, and sadly, after a while of enabling them they begin to associate us with using. You need to break that association, and that takes time- and a whole lot of dedication on both of your parts.

Best of luck.
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Old 09-26-2016, 04:40 AM
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Regardless of the situation, if and when people ask for details, a simple "we had problems that couldn't be resolved" is sufficient. Because people ask doesn't mean we have to respond and "tell all". Most times it is better not to, unless it is a trusted friend or family member that really cares or is affected too.

Hugs
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Old 09-26-2016, 05:18 AM
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I was conflicted with the same thing when my ex and I split. I wasn't sure if I should be honest or just keep it light. Most people that knew us already knew there were lots of problems. I asked my therapist how she thought I should tell others and she told me I shouldn't worry about what others think and what they say about me is none of my business. She said I should tell them what makes me feel better. The truth made me feel best so I told those close to me that he has a drug problem that he doesn't want to fix and therefore it provides an unhealthy environment for the kids and I. I kept it light with aquaintences. If down the road you get back together with him who cares what others think. Trust me, EVERYONE has their own set of problems and its YOUR LIFE and your decision.
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Old 09-26-2016, 07:37 AM
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If I can get any more insight into my guilt about telling people he has a drug problem or if anyone has had similar experiences/emotions.

Definition of guilt…………. Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person believes or realizes—accurately or not—that he or she has compromised his or her own standards of conduct or has violated a moral standard and bears significant responsibility for that violation.

I know for me I felt embarrassed that I had stayed in a relationship with an addict for as long as I did. I felt shame that I did compromise my standards and I also felt judged because I was guilty of judging others who had chosen to stay in toxic relationships.

It was easy once I truly made up my mind that it was over and there was never ever going to be a chance of going back. I became honest with myself which helped me become honest with my very close friends and family. And then all those acquaintances who inquired I simply said, irreconcilable differences and if they pressed for more info I would say I’d rather not talk about it but thank you for your concern.
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Old 09-26-2016, 09:08 AM
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Thanks for the feedback. I think at the time when people would ask, I'd say something like "he had a problem" insinuating what the problem was. And people who are not as close to me wouldnt ask for much more than that. It would feel good to be honest for the moment but I have just been rethinking it a bit. I guess it doesn't pay because whats done is done. Thats just another pointless thing to worry about. Its been strange since the run-in with him. I havent cried or felt overly emotional but I have just had such an overwhelming urge to talk to him more. I haven't given in which I know is the best thing for me but I'd be lying if I said I didnt have the phone in my hand going back and forth about dialing the number several times.
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Old 09-26-2016, 12:51 PM
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I like "there were problems that couldn't be resolved." You keep your and his privacy re people you don't know well and don't want to get into it with them. That should stop further questions. If they persist, simply smile and say, "It's not something I can go into right now," implying that you would talk more about if only you could, but you can't.
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Old 09-26-2016, 01:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Barkley77 View Post
People I know are still learning of the break-up so naturally they inquire as to what happened. Those who are closer to me would already have some what of an inkling as to my ex's drug/alcohol problem but many who are still finding out do not know our history as well (6 years together and much of it damaged by drugs/alcohol). I am finding that I feel some guilt with telling people, when they ask why we aren't together, that my ex had a drug problem. Sometimes it seems to come naturally to be honest and matter of fact about it but without too much detail, but I am starting to feel a little weird that people I am not that close to now know.
To be honest, I think the reason I am suddenly feeling guilt about it is that I ran into my ex after several weeks of no contact and some of those old feelings came back. As usual it made me consider (or hope) that someday things may be different (mostly because he says things that suggest it may not be over if he were to address his problems, but hes not doing that so far). I think seeing him reopened the wound and makes me wish things were different. Somehow this seems to be connected to me regretting telling people the truth. I start to wonder if its a subconscious desire to be back together with him someday and to not want everyone to know his addiction or judge me based on it. I know how dysfunctional that is to even consider. Having seen and talked to him for a few minutes just made me miss him even more. At the same time I know I do not want to be back with him while he is using so I feel conflicted. I get strong urges to get a hold of him and talk. I'd love to be able to hug him and have a real conversation but I have been able to refrain because realistically I know nothing has changed.
Instead of acting on any of these urges I figured I would come write on the forums and see if I can get any more insight into my guilt about telling people he has a drug problem or if anyone has had similar experiences/emotions.
Thanks

I do know how you feel, I choose to let only my family and best friends know about the situation and they supported me & even gave chance after chance now they all hate him i still cant get over him..

I dont regret telling them as i know their support and what they tell me is truth and they see the bigger picture i may not like what they say only because deep down i know its truth and its still hurts me like hell!

With new people i meet i just dont tell them i just say we didnt work out after we had a baby together its hurts sometimes but it good to know that some people dont need to know and i choose how much of my business they actualy know if i ever decide to open up i will choose wisely as its delicate subject for me still.

I saw my ex yesterday and it hurt like hell we didnt speak i just stood there to be passed over my child back by his dad, me and his dad had a short convo and i kept on smiling pretending i am doing great and this isnt botherig me anymore inside it hurt like hell and all feelings came back i cried all night but one day at time at the end of the day i know HP has a plan for me and i am trying to dream of something that i havent had past year and half reality hit me hard but its so hard to move on just yet..

I had a text of him the other day asking to call and resisted to call him little step for me as i know i will get sucked back into craziness and this isnt what me and my littlw boy need right now

I am sending you big hugs and hope you can focus on your recovery especially when distractions like this come your way. He wont get better until anything changes. He will promise you this and that just so his addiction can keep on carrying on just think if you are prepared to go through this all over again? Thats what keeps me going somehow i know for me now not being with him is the only way to keep sane in some way
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Old 09-26-2016, 03:34 PM
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Dee1234,


Yeah it sounds like you have struggled with pretty similar emotions as I have. Seeing him and talking to him and pretending that im doing good (not acting happy but I said "Im good, Im okay) all the while inside my heart was breaking a little more. I have had to remind myself the last couple days that talking to him would not fix anything because he has not made any attempt to address his addiction since we split. He mentioned that hes drinking too much (in my head I'm like uh yeah ya think) and knowing he has those relizations but wont do anything to change is such a sad thing to watch. To know that he is a good guy who is wasting his life in addiction. I still hope he gets clean someday but I am also hoping that I can let go of him enough where it no longer hurts to hear about him not doing better.
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Old 09-27-2016, 10:37 AM
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Unhappy Day one of break up

Hey Barkley77 and all…

I am in day one of a break up. Could be day number 99 for all the times we argue and make up really. So your post hit home. As in I anticipate all the questions with all the new people just finding out. And also I just told my mother about my alcoholic boyfriend I've been with for 20 months. I held it to myself all this time cause I knew my rational smart mother would suggest I exit this relationship. And hence she has. There's no take backs now. I have no guilt as far as letting it out of how much a jerk he has been, just regret now that I can't erase the news I've shared if we were to ever get back together. Of course like you, I have hopes that are not realistic of us making it. Cause I love the guy, when he is sober! Wishful thinking.

I didn't tell my mother all of it. He also uses cocaine every time he drinks…and boy can he drink. Binges for days….all day and into the early dawn. Then sleeps for days and eats pizza. It progressively got worse, as it was not as frequent when we first met, but then it became more and frequent and closer together and for more days consecutively.

I moved 2000 miles with this guy. I'm in a beautiful state that offers all I love: camping, hiking, skiing, biking, falls, hot springs ….but I know no one. Have a few acquaintances from work. Some I have reached out to. Over the months I have been offered a room, a couch, a basement if I need to get out. But nothing like the friends and family I left behind a year ago. So my dilemma is where to move. I know I just need my space and soon. I walk on egg shells, no physical abuse, but words and raised voices all too often. I would love to just get a cute studio or one bedroom in town.. My mother says don't do that thinking he will not be around to bother you and manipulate you into thinking he's changed. You will fall intimate with him and be back at square one again. No one can really evaluate the change unless he's been in a program for 6-12 months minimum. She says and she has her doctorate and two masters…one in psychology. She too lived with my dad for 25 years…an alcoholic that died at 63 of a heart attack…with a 6 pack on the bed. They divorced years before his death but none the less she said do not do another day in this.

I know the correct actions to take, for my well being and happiness but my heart and twisted mind are not jiving. I'm sad. He won't change. I hold onto infrequent times of soberness. But I know now that in those sober days his body is just resting and the urge is a comin’!!

I don't need to go into details, my life has been everything anyone has gone through loving and living with an addict and alcoholic. Slob, never remembers to do special or necessary things, talks down to me, blames me for being uptight and a nag when I ask him to cut back, or stop and this relationship is going no where. Stopped asking me to go out with him or meet him months ago. Naturally I think he's cheating but he always came home…even it were by 6 am. But lights up like a Christmas tree and has all the energy and time in the world to “pick up” and just go out. It's sad.

We have had so many weeks over the last year of not speaking for days, me sleeping in the 2nd bedroom. Him coming to me asking “ are you done?” Really? No acknowledgement of his toxic behavior. Controls the conversation to the point I get tripped up…as in “ what I can't go out ever.?” Or “what I can't have friends ?” He was out 3-4 nights all June,July, August and now September it's on again! It was party summer. We haven't spoken in 6 days. He has been out the last 48 hours…all day..home at 3-4am, and back at it all day yesterday. No text, nothing. He will always choose the drink and coke over me. I yelled at him this last time….go ahead, be with whom ever , random supposed friends who all do the same, boost your ego and come home and tell me I'm no fun. What they don't know is if its not them he will find someone on speed dial to hang out with, a random drug dealer or someone with a day off with that common denominator of drugs and drinking.

Anyway I was fighting a losing battle all this time. I reached out to forums and blogs and when I read what mirrored my life in so many women's stories a light went off. I've never been in this situation and so I do not know how it goes as I make this very challenging decision to uproot mylife…geez..I just moved here a year ago.

So best wishes for you. Thank you for sharing. Please let's stay in touch. I'm what I consider normal. Never in trouble, an educated 48 year old lady, professional and have many good friends ( that I distanced myself from cause I had nothing good to tell…normally everyone wants to know what's good and going on). I.even shut my Facebook down for the year. I know now that is typical of an abused person, to regress and hide due to shame and embarrassment.

Well it's out now. If I stay now, my mom says its on me. And if I stay in this state with no family and friends it will not get better. Let alone the annoying packing and orchestrating a move thousands of miles away. Damn him!
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Old 09-27-2016, 12:02 PM
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Oh and by the way, tomorrow is my soon to be ex's birthday. I say soon to be cause we haven't had that talk yet, just the usual no talking. What do I do? I haven't even bought a card. Do I break up tomorrow on his birthday? Or today at some point. I'm sure he is hungover and tired and in no mood for me. But if I cooked and cleaned for him and rubbed his back he would be all about it, maybe not this time.

My mom told me to just keep thinking of my move and to be kind and just agree so not to argue or escalate. And not to share my plan until I actually have it in place.
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Old 09-27-2016, 06:35 PM
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Well...

In my situation, my closest friends were pretty concerned about me while I was with my AXGF. And when things with her finally blew up after I had given her another chance, two of my closest friends wanted to kill me. My best friend was especially livid at me.

But, at the end of the day, our choices are our choices. And when dealing with friends, I've found it's best to allow them to feel what they feel. The closest friendships are the ones where we can be honest with each other. My friends have license to tell me when they think I've done something stupid, and vice versa.

You're in the middle of riding out the storm. Be steady. You're going to have good days and not so good days. For me, I realized I was fine when I was out in the middle of the Utah desert for work a mere three months after it blew up and completely comfortable with the idea of being unattached. In time, you'll get there, too.
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Old 09-27-2016, 08:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Snowing27 View Post
Oh and by the way, tomorrow is my soon to be ex's birthday. I say soon to be cause we haven't had that talk yet, just the usual no talking. What do I do? I haven't even bought a card. Do I break up tomorrow on his birthday? Or today at some point. I'm sure he is hungover and tired and in no mood for me. But if I cooked and cleaned for him and rubbed his back he would be all about it, maybe not this time.

My mom told me to just keep thinking of my move and to be kind and just agree so not to argue or escalate. And not to share my plan until I actually have it in place.
Snowing, I am so sorry for what you're going through. I would encourage you to start your own thread. That way you'll get more support, which you surely need during this difficult time.

Best wishes.
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