Having a psycho moment.
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Having a psycho moment.
I apologize in advance if this is more related to regular breakup feelings than codependency, but I thought it would be better for me to post here than do what I feel like doing...
For those of you who don't know, my exAbf (of 6 years) and I broke up a few weeks ago. He's found a new apartment but can't move in until the 1st of October so he's been sleeping on the couch (and going out till bar close every night). It's been rough.
For the most part I've tried to avoid him at all costs (e.g., staying at my parents, or in my bedroom when he's home), but today I snooped on his computer like an idiot. His Facebook was open and there were messages from some new girl he's courting. She's a musician type like him and apparently he was trying to move in with her (she has a room open). She declined -- saying that it wouldn't be a good idea because she's so attracted to him, but he's too fresh out of a long-term relationship. He agreed (he's sooo attracted to her too) and they're meeting up this week to get to know each other better.
Ugh. This makes me sick. I can't even think about another relationship or hookup right now. And I am so tempted to send her a message about him, but I know that's completely psycho. And really it's not like I'd be doing it for altruistic reasons. I'd be doing it to prevent my exAbf from finding a rebound. I'm feeling so awful and alone right now.
For those of you who don't know, my exAbf (of 6 years) and I broke up a few weeks ago. He's found a new apartment but can't move in until the 1st of October so he's been sleeping on the couch (and going out till bar close every night). It's been rough.
For the most part I've tried to avoid him at all costs (e.g., staying at my parents, or in my bedroom when he's home), but today I snooped on his computer like an idiot. His Facebook was open and there were messages from some new girl he's courting. She's a musician type like him and apparently he was trying to move in with her (she has a room open). She declined -- saying that it wouldn't be a good idea because she's so attracted to him, but he's too fresh out of a long-term relationship. He agreed (he's sooo attracted to her too) and they're meeting up this week to get to know each other better.
Ugh. This makes me sick. I can't even think about another relationship or hookup right now. And I am so tempted to send her a message about him, but I know that's completely psycho. And really it's not like I'd be doing it for altruistic reasons. I'd be doing it to prevent my exAbf from finding a rebound. I'm feeling so awful and alone right now.
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Don't do it. I actually did that, myself, under similar circumstances--was waiting for the ex to move out, and when he did, he was still using a shared email account. I actually wrote this woman and said he was a liar, etc.
I felt utterly creepy for weeks afterward. I sent the ex an email telling him I was closing that email account in one week and to transfer any emails he wanted to keep.
It wasn't worth the momentary glee to feel like a creepy stalker afterward. I was very sorry I did it.
I felt utterly creepy for weeks afterward. I sent the ex an email telling him I was closing that email account in one week and to transfer any emails he wanted to keep.
It wasn't worth the momentary glee to feel like a creepy stalker afterward. I was very sorry I did it.
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Thanks for sharing your experience, LexieCat. I'm pretty sure I'd regret it too...but it's so tempting. I'm also tempted to lash out on him when I see him next, but it's not like we're together anymore. He can do what he wants now (he always did), I guess.
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Yeah, it will be better when he's gone, AND when you stay off his FB, etc. No good EVER comes from that. In the meantime, if he leaves his computer on, just shut it down. You don't need to see what he's up to. Just a few more days--have you given any thought to what you will do if he claims he's got no place to go? If he's still looking for somebody to move in with at this point, that's not a great sign...
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He has an official apartment lined up. I have no idea how he's going to afford the rent (Mom's probably kicking in) and it's unfortunately in the same neighborhood. He's said multiple times that if we run into each other, he'll always "say hi" to me. He's so gracious. Ugh.
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Originally Posted by gbriezy 
He's said multiple times that if we run into each other, he'll always "say hi" to me. He's so gracious. Ugh.
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Originally Posted by Expanding
After 8 years my exA started dating someone the night he walked out... took the route of, "I just want to remember the good times" acting like he was a decent person, when really he couldn't face what he had done. It can feel so infuriating! Like he's doing you a favor.
And yes, he's been acting above the breakup and acting like we'll just be friends who will say hi occasionally. Hell no. I never want to think of him again at this point, let alone say hi to him at the local co-op. His attitude almost hurts more because it feels like he's unaffected. He's just so over it. God, it's such a horrible feeling.
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Originally Posted by Expanding
took the route of, "I just want to remember the good times" acting like he was a decent person, when really he couldn't face what he had done. It can feel so infuriating! Like he's doing you a favor... oye
I unfriended him and all of his familia. Ex sister in law got upset. I told her that it pains my son to see pics of daddy hanging out with other people with children and only seeing him once a month.
He did have an indiscretion of some sort - and I don't want or care to know details. I was doing my weight lifting and cardio this weekend, and he commented on how fit I am (was hanging out in the house), I sort a had a psychotic moment myself by flipping out on him about not ever commenting on my looks and that he can go comment on whoever looks he chooses, but not mine, ever.
I wish I did not flip out. I think it triggered the whole self esteem thing in me. Oh, when I just discovered the indiscretion (after I filed for divorce mind you), he said that "it was really stupid and she was really fat". Which added insult to injury - not only there was indiscretion, now he was making fun of weight of this sad addicted unemployed woman who knew he was married and was an addict, but went there anyway. Yikes. I really really don't like him.
so yeah, I get it how psycho moments only hurt us, but don't beat yourself up too much about it
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I kind of failed this morning. While I didn't send the woman a message, I did say something about it to my ExAbf. He denied it completely. And then I said hurtful things like how I can't wait until he's out so I never have to see him again. And how it's pathetic and selfish of him to jump into another relationship. Ugh. Even though he probably deserves it, I always feel so guilty when I lose my cool. And then I cried a little on my drive to work. I still feel so sad that our relationship became this toxic.
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I'm sorry, friend. This is going to get *so* much easier once you have your own space. Until then (just a few days!), try to be gentle with yourself and not beat yourself up too much. Your situation is currently untenable. You'd have to be superhuman to glide through it without hitting a few speed bumps.
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it's ok to lose your cool....you didn't shoot anybody right? no bodily injury came to human or plant life?? granted in those heated moments we often say things we wouldn't "NORMALLY" say, but you are not living IN normal.......
in a really lousy way, it's good you see how toxic this swamp has become. imagine if you were still the girl so determined to beat this thing, to WIN, to MAKE him see the light. and imagine you did that for another 5 or 10 years?
THEN you'd be a crazy lady.
can you go stay with the folks again for a few days? hell, spring for a decent hotel room with little soaps and room service? a dry park bench?? lol
in a really lousy way, it's good you see how toxic this swamp has become. imagine if you were still the girl so determined to beat this thing, to WIN, to MAKE him see the light. and imagine you did that for another 5 or 10 years?
THEN you'd be a crazy lady.
can you go stay with the folks again for a few days? hell, spring for a decent hotel room with little soaps and room service? a dry park bench?? lol
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Consider yourself lucky that he has moved on. Let him be her problem now. I understand how painful this can be to watch all you've done and put up with for someone and see how easily they can bounce back and move on.
My Abf decided to court a woman while he was still with me and coming across those messages are not much fun either. I did the psycho thing myself and called her. I wasn't angry at her but felt it my "duty" to tell her whom she was involving herself with. I don't regret doing it because it changed nothing, but I realized it hurt me more to share words and exchanges with her.
Given that you both are no longer together, leave it be and like I said, let him be her problem now. I doubt he is in "love" or so easily able to move on, but do not forget that As have a special way of burying reality and feelings deeply so they can avoid any kind of pain, even that of a breakup.
If he has someone already lined up, makes it a bit hard to deal with the pain of your separation from him doesn't it? Took me a long time to realize his actions had nothing to do with me. Even the cheating didn't mean he didn't love me, but it did mean that he would do whatever it took to avoid feeling discomfort or pain sensing a break up was around the corner.
Hang in there, and hopefully this is your last round with this awful disease in your life.
My Abf decided to court a woman while he was still with me and coming across those messages are not much fun either. I did the psycho thing myself and called her. I wasn't angry at her but felt it my "duty" to tell her whom she was involving herself with. I don't regret doing it because it changed nothing, but I realized it hurt me more to share words and exchanges with her.
Given that you both are no longer together, leave it be and like I said, let him be her problem now. I doubt he is in "love" or so easily able to move on, but do not forget that As have a special way of burying reality and feelings deeply so they can avoid any kind of pain, even that of a breakup.
If he has someone already lined up, makes it a bit hard to deal with the pain of your separation from him doesn't it? Took me a long time to realize his actions had nothing to do with me. Even the cheating didn't mean he didn't love me, but it did mean that he would do whatever it took to avoid feeling discomfort or pain sensing a break up was around the corner.
Hang in there, and hopefully this is your last round with this awful disease in your life.
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Unfortunately, every time we flip out on someone like that we might as well be wearing a sign that says, "YOU STILL HAUNT MOST OF MY WAKING MOMENTS" and it strokes their egos in a big, big way.
Next time you're about lose it, maybe just try to visualize you screaming "I STILL CARE MUCH TOO MUCH" because it's pretty much the same thing.
It'll get better...give it time.
Next time you're about lose it, maybe just try to visualize you screaming "I STILL CARE MUCH TOO MUCH" because it's pretty much the same thing.
It'll get better...give it time.
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain
Unfortunately, every time we flip out on someone like that we might as well be wearing a sign that says, "YOU STILL HAUNT MOST OF MY WAKING MOMENTS" and it strokes their egos in a big, big way.
Next time you're about lose it, maybe just try to visualize you screaming "I STILL CARE MUCH TOO MUCH" because it's pretty much the same thing..
Next time you're about lose it, maybe just try to visualize you screaming "I STILL CARE MUCH TOO MUCH" because it's pretty much the same thing..
And, if you've read my thread on my recent blast from the past, it is INFURIATING to them when you are completely indifferent to them.
Last edited by greeteachday; 09-27-2016 at 04:23 PM. Reason: member request
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This is all great advice. My brain does not want to hear it this morning. I still feel shell shocked. It's such a betrayal. I want to not care or feel nostalgic for good times. Why would I want to settle for this life? Why don't I think I deserve more? Sometimes I do, but sometimes I don't. I'm sure once he's out I'll slowly begin to not care, but I can't force it right now.
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Just sending big hugs!!!
I know how bad that hurts... it's awful, but it willl get easier as time goes on.
I've done a few (ok, probably more than a few) psycho and/or creepy stalker things that I regret too...
And they did feel good in the moment, but then just made me feel worse about myself in the long run.
You are in a really difficult situation, and I think you're doing a great job.
Hang in there!!!
October 1st is only 4 days away...
I know how bad that hurts... it's awful, but it willl get easier as time goes on.
I've done a few (ok, probably more than a few) psycho and/or creepy stalker things that I regret too...
And they did feel good in the moment, but then just made me feel worse about myself in the long run.
You are in a really difficult situation, and I think you're doing a great job.
Hang in there!!!
October 1st is only 4 days away...
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I am going to play devil's advocate here. I understand feeling so BAD in a relationship. I was ignored FOR YEARS, told lies and then have them twisted in some sick conspiracy where I was a bad person for questioning it.
I am the person NOW that broke up with xAbf, for the 4th time. I was soooo over it that I was able to walk away from the relationship very easily this time. I would have no problem conversing with other males, and don't. I don't want a boyfriend, because it would just be stupid to be single and go looking for something after 7 days of freedom. I don't want to be tied down. I want to explore my own feelings and ideas. On the part of your xabf, maybe it is so easy for him, because he is over it to. Not for the same reasons. For him, it might be to keep himself in the perpetual pull of alcohol and the environment that creates. In turn, that leads you back around on the merry-go-round to have him want more with you. If he did, then he'd still be your problem.
Sometimes things hurt. I am still hurt that my boy will never have a responsible dad who can live in a family unit and be the man I need. But, he can't. Never with me will he be able to do that. I pray for him that he will appreciate a different way of life, but am just not there anymore.
October 1st will be here soon. I know it's hard not to make jabs, but they really don't help anything. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.
I am the person NOW that broke up with xAbf, for the 4th time. I was soooo over it that I was able to walk away from the relationship very easily this time. I would have no problem conversing with other males, and don't. I don't want a boyfriend, because it would just be stupid to be single and go looking for something after 7 days of freedom. I don't want to be tied down. I want to explore my own feelings and ideas. On the part of your xabf, maybe it is so easy for him, because he is over it to. Not for the same reasons. For him, it might be to keep himself in the perpetual pull of alcohol and the environment that creates. In turn, that leads you back around on the merry-go-round to have him want more with you. If he did, then he'd still be your problem.
Sometimes things hurt. I am still hurt that my boy will never have a responsible dad who can live in a family unit and be the man I need. But, he can't. Never with me will he be able to do that. I pray for him that he will appreciate a different way of life, but am just not there anymore.
October 1st will be here soon. I know it's hard not to make jabs, but they really don't help anything. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.
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Yea, I mean it's probably a very good thing he went through with the breakup because I have so much trouble letting go. I doubt I would have been able to stay strong if he was begging for another chance. I just really thought he would have taken a little time to be alone. I know you don't owe anyone anything after you breakup but it just seems disrespectful to start dating immediately. I mean Christ, he can't even wait until he's off my couch?
He better not call me three months down the road right when I'm finally starting to recover. I will lose it. (I will of course block his number, etc.) It's immature, but right now I'm wishing him the worst.
He better not call me three months down the road right when I'm finally starting to recover. I will lose it. (I will of course block his number, etc.) It's immature, but right now I'm wishing him the worst.
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