JustAnotherDay

He's finally out of my house and been moved out for 3 or 4 months now. If anybody recalls my story it was a huge, ridiculous circus trying to get my xabf to move out of my house.

I blocked his number so he couldnt text/call me and pretty much went no contact. I do still "own" his business until 12/31/2016 so I told him if he needed anything concerning the business he could email me ABOUT THAT ONLY. He's only had to do that a handful of times so thats no issue.

I did a lot of growing in the months leading up to him leaving (we technically split up before he had moved out so he basically was just living there for free and we didnt speak). I have a life coach that over the last 2 years has really helped me move to speaking my inner truth, living for me and all of that fun stuff we strive to learn.

However, I find myself occasionally struggling with hoping that AXBF is ok. Hes not, I know he isnt. Ive spoken to him twice over the phone and one of those times he sounded extremely drunk so I told him I would have to talk to him at another time and got off the phone. I know hes a jerk. I know all the horrible things he did to hurt me because he hurts. But does he deserve to die? No. But does he deserve to reap what he himself has sown. Maybe? Its painful. I still love him as a person that I loved for a long time. I know he suffers and I hate to see anyone suffer like that. Ive moved on and am dating a guy that couldnt be further from what I lived with for 5 years. Its hard to not "wait for the other shoe to drop" or expect to be ridiculed for going out with my friends, having a glass of wine at the wedding, on and on and on (you all know the game).

So now what? How can I keep progressing into accepting the fate he has chosen? Ive accepted I couldnt control the drinking long ago. Love with distance. I made the decision to grow. To leave. I just dont know that Ive accepted it 100% that he may never get better and those few times a week/month/year I see a beer commercial or whatever it may be that will remind me of all that pain, how can I not feel that sadness?

LexieCat

Dwelling on what he "deserves" serves no purpose. There is a lot of undeserved suffering in the world. Suppose you broke up with him solely due to his behavior--take the alcoholism out of the picture for a minute. Then you discover he has some fatal disease. Would you be obsessing about him and his suffering? I'm betting not. Not that you wouldn't feel bad about his illness, but you wouldn't be thinking about it constantly.

I think the obsession comes from that stubborn sense that you should be/ have been able to do something to control his drinking. Even though you say you have accepted it, maybe you haven't COMPLETELY accepted it.

I'd suggest continuing to work on acceptance, and also fill your life with good things. Concluding your business with him at the end of this year may help bring a sense of finality to things.

firebolt

I think you are doing just fine.

You are growing, you removed him from your life, you see you are a bit too focused on concern for him, and you are reaching out about it. Honestly, I can't imagine NOT worrying about someone we loved that is sick.

I agree with Lexi - wrapping up the business relationship, staying no contact, and sadly....just some more time will help.

Everytime your mind drifts to him, you can recognize it and redirect yourself to something that gives you good feelings. Call a friend, watch some comedy, dive into a book or magazine. Hoping that he'll be ok means you are a good person. We just can't let it mess up OUR lives, and it doesn't sound like you are. You're doing fine!!

CocoLoco612

I understand how you are feeling. We have been living apart for over six months now. We decided to divorce about 2 months ago.

The thing is, he is actually doing better on his own. I was so scared, how would he... fill in the blank. If I'm not helping him, who will. Guess what, he is helping himself. It might not be perfect, he is still drinking. But I don't have to be a part of his drinking. He doesn't have to explain or lie to me.

He has fallen down a few times. In fact, he nearly lost his job two times in the last six month. They finally gave him some hard lines he had to abide by, if he didn't he was gone. He has decided he needs to take care of himself, make good decisions and be accountable.

I too have fallen down a few times. It is so easy to try take care of him. To make him better. To shelter him from the consequences of his alcohol abuse. To manipulate a situation in a way that I think will be better for him.

I will be honest, it is actually hard for me to admit he is doing better without me. I have worked so hard the past six years to make our marriage work. To help him get sober. Sometimes it just feels like wasted time. Everyone keeps telling me it will get better. Until that time, I'm just going to keep moving forward and taking care of myself. I hope you do the same thing.

Bekindalways

Congrats JAD for what you have done to detach and move on; this is no small accomplishment!

The acceptance of his choices may come with time. I did a lot of prayer/visualization of releasing my qualifier. If you are a believer this can help.

Hug to you Lady and let us know how it goes.

dandylion

JAD....three or four months is still early on in the process....
What you have escribed is very normal for the situation....Grieving takes time...detaching with love takes time....
After you have been able to move forward in life....you will h ave occasional memories without the kind of present-time pain that you have now....