Question about TRUE recovery...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 52
Question about TRUE recovery...
Just wanted to ask if anyone has any thoughts on this...
Can someone truly be in recovery and working their program and yet still blame their spouse for filing for divorce and "abandoning" them and "giving up" on the marriage?
Since filing for divorce my AH started with telling me how he understands why I'm filing, that he's made my life hell over at least the last year, that he's not happy about it but he understands but that he'll do everything to get me back. But when I didn't cave to letting him come back to our home, it's morphed into how he doesn't understand WHY I'm divorcing him, how we could just live separately and work on ourselves and put the divorce on hold. That I'm just giving up. And when he's been desperate it turned into him telling me how I'm not a good person and unkind, that he was in addict mode when he made all those awful choices and I'm taking it personally, that I don't understand addiction, that I'm choosing to make it even harder for him to remain sober...even though he claims he is.
It doesn't change anything, I'm still going through with the divorce. He may or may not be sober, but to me it seems as if he's just white knuckling it at the moment if he is sober.
I just want to know if someone can really be working the steps and still hold this blame and anger towards their partner for choosing enough is enough, that the years of addiction and his choices have altered how I feel towards him and I don't want to wade through his recovery and wait to see if he makes it to the other side and see if my feelings of love return.
Can someone truly be in recovery and working their program and yet still blame their spouse for filing for divorce and "abandoning" them and "giving up" on the marriage?
Since filing for divorce my AH started with telling me how he understands why I'm filing, that he's made my life hell over at least the last year, that he's not happy about it but he understands but that he'll do everything to get me back. But when I didn't cave to letting him come back to our home, it's morphed into how he doesn't understand WHY I'm divorcing him, how we could just live separately and work on ourselves and put the divorce on hold. That I'm just giving up. And when he's been desperate it turned into him telling me how I'm not a good person and unkind, that he was in addict mode when he made all those awful choices and I'm taking it personally, that I don't understand addiction, that I'm choosing to make it even harder for him to remain sober...even though he claims he is.
It doesn't change anything, I'm still going through with the divorce. He may or may not be sober, but to me it seems as if he's just white knuckling it at the moment if he is sober.
I just want to know if someone can really be working the steps and still hold this blame and anger towards their partner for choosing enough is enough, that the years of addiction and his choices have altered how I feel towards him and I don't want to wade through his recovery and wait to see if he makes it to the other side and see if my feelings of love return.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 121
Hey Future,
I think he could still be in recovery but is grasping at straws to win you back.
Those 12 steps can take quite a while for some, but on the other hand, people will use many weapons to hang on to something they aren't ready to let go of.
My ex (who wasn't an alcoholic) tried everything to keep me when I had finally slipped away and given up on the relationship. Best behaviour and will do anything, tears, bribery, begging, guilt...
In the end, I wouldn't give his recovery a second thought. You're separated and you see no other option other than divorce... with or without the 12 steps.
But his journey has no time line... just as us codependents may suffer heartache and feel lost for any amount of time till we recover.
Take care of yourself, and go with your gut.
I think he could still be in recovery but is grasping at straws to win you back.
Those 12 steps can take quite a while for some, but on the other hand, people will use many weapons to hang on to something they aren't ready to let go of.
My ex (who wasn't an alcoholic) tried everything to keep me when I had finally slipped away and given up on the relationship. Best behaviour and will do anything, tears, bribery, begging, guilt...
In the end, I wouldn't give his recovery a second thought. You're separated and you see no other option other than divorce... with or without the 12 steps.
But his journey has no time line... just as us codependents may suffer heartache and feel lost for any amount of time till we recover.
Take care of yourself, and go with your gut.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
He may or may not be "in recovery", he is the only one who knows it. And if you ask him, he may, or may not lie.
I am now divorced - and while I was going through the process - XAH exhibited all of the behaviors you are describing. He is now ossilates begween trying to be my BFF and bringing up romantic memories to trigger me.
At first when I said I can't be his friend he went bananas on me. Now I just keep it very business-like - we have a son so, unfortunately, I cannot go no contact 100%
I am now divorced - and while I was going through the process - XAH exhibited all of the behaviors you are describing. He is now ossilates begween trying to be my BFF and bringing up romantic memories to trigger me.
At first when I said I can't be his friend he went bananas on me. Now I just keep it very business-like - we have a son so, unfortunately, I cannot go no contact 100%
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
I know many who work a Program that are still very lacking in the "acting mature department."
We think that due to their time spent drinking or using that in a way they have become twisted and it may take a good amount of time spent sober so as to unwind.
Mountainman
We think that due to their time spent drinking or using that in a way they have become twisted and it may take a good amount of time spent sober so as to unwind.
Mountainman
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yup, recovery is a process of "progress, not perfection." I know plenty of people working a program with years of sobriety who still have serious issues with anger, ego, etc.
Maybe he'll eventually get there or he won't. Not your concern.
Maybe he'll eventually get there or he won't. Not your concern.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 166
I think it takes a long time, a lot of difficult work on oneself, and a real shift in attitude for the A's "stinking thinking" to go away (if ever). This is part and parcel of the disease. It sounds like some of that is going on with your AH now. It is easier to blame others than really, truly take responsibility for all the pain caused by the drinking.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
My first husband, who wasn't an alcoholic, didn't want the divorce. He was narcissistic, though.
He blamed me for the divorce. (He had the insight of a fruit fly).
That was many, many years ago...and I am sure that he still feels the same.....
You have the right to divorce if you are unhappy being in the marriage.
No other reasons needed!
He blamed me for the divorce. (He had the insight of a fruit fly).
That was many, many years ago...and I am sure that he still feels the same.....
You have the right to divorce if you are unhappy being in the marriage.
No other reasons needed!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
You said NO and he is throwing a tantrum.
Do you want to live with that drunk or sober?
People get remarried after divorce fairly often. Maybe one day, he'll plane out and see everything from a less defensive view....maybe he won't. I hope you just keep doing what is best for you TODAY, and no matter what.
Do you want to live with that drunk or sober?
People get remarried after divorce fairly often. Maybe one day, he'll plane out and see everything from a less defensive view....maybe he won't. I hope you just keep doing what is best for you TODAY, and no matter what.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 246
That's a good question. I wanted to know the answer, too. My husband is in recovery as well (individual and group therapy).
My husband and I are separated (I needed time to work through everything). I have had similar sentiments come my way - "giving up on me and the marriage", "put the marriage in grave peril", "you ruined four lives" (my husband and 3 children b/c of the decision to separate), and "you should feel guilty". I thought the comments were somewhat uncalled for (in my humble opinion) especially given his actions/behaviors. Then, a couple of months ago, he said to me, "I would have spent the rest of my life making it up to you, but you chose a separation instead. I have made my amends to you with the separation. There won't be any more amends. I'm done." I made no comment, but his words didn't particularly sit well with me.
Anyway, I don't have an answer for you. I only wanted to share that you're not alone and I kind of wanted to know the answer myself.
My husband and I are separated (I needed time to work through everything). I have had similar sentiments come my way - "giving up on me and the marriage", "put the marriage in grave peril", "you ruined four lives" (my husband and 3 children b/c of the decision to separate), and "you should feel guilty". I thought the comments were somewhat uncalled for (in my humble opinion) especially given his actions/behaviors. Then, a couple of months ago, he said to me, "I would have spent the rest of my life making it up to you, but you chose a separation instead. I have made my amends to you with the separation. There won't be any more amends. I'm done." I made no comment, but his words didn't particularly sit well with me.
Anyway, I don't have an answer for you. I only wanted to share that you're not alone and I kind of wanted to know the answer myself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
With or without the alcohol, sometimes people are just way too focused on themselves and how everything in life affects them. That is their lens. We all need to do what is best for us, despite the "I don't understand how you can do this to me" statements. Good luck going forward.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
When I was on step three I was still as resentful as ever. By step 6 this had altered.
Before I started my steps I had character defects. Now I'm on step 12 I still have them and have accepted that they will always be there, even if not as forceful as before- and I have given myself the responsibility which is to be mindful of them and not be led by them. Easier said than done.
Also, I had some resentments on my list where I I embraced my part in what happened, but also know that MY part wasn't the only part. Other people did harm as well. I made a decision to hand that resentment over. To not be angry and hurt any more. So that their part wouldn't continue to hurt me. Doesn't mean I edited to pretend that they didn't have a part.
Recovery is progress, not perfection.
I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship or his resentments (and nor should I), so sorry if my experiences aren't helpful. Basically, what I'm pointing to with my little snippets is that recovery isn't a case of 'on or off'. It's a long journey with lots of ups and downs and windey bits. Someone can be working really hard on their recovery but still struggle over painful things. Do you know where he is with his step work?
Before I started my steps I had character defects. Now I'm on step 12 I still have them and have accepted that they will always be there, even if not as forceful as before- and I have given myself the responsibility which is to be mindful of them and not be led by them. Easier said than done.
Also, I had some resentments on my list where I I embraced my part in what happened, but also know that MY part wasn't the only part. Other people did harm as well. I made a decision to hand that resentment over. To not be angry and hurt any more. So that their part wouldn't continue to hurt me. Doesn't mean I edited to pretend that they didn't have a part.
Recovery is progress, not perfection.
I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship or his resentments (and nor should I), so sorry if my experiences aren't helpful. Basically, what I'm pointing to with my little snippets is that recovery isn't a case of 'on or off'. It's a long journey with lots of ups and downs and windey bits. Someone can be working really hard on their recovery but still struggle over painful things. Do you know where he is with his step work?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Someone on SR once wrote that real recovery is rigorously honest, humble, and transparent (no hiding, manipulating, etc.). This, in my experience, is something that takes some time...for all of us. Hopefully, your husband will grow in recovery if he continues to pursue it.
And blaming the victim is a typical active-alcoholic mindset...so it would appear he still has a bit of work perhaps?
Hang in there! I know this is so hard!!
And blaming the victim is a typical active-alcoholic mindset...so it would appear he still has a bit of work perhaps?
Hang in there! I know this is so hard!!
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,962
My habits of behaving didn't change over night when I got sober. My mouth was (and can still be) my enemy.
Hard to say whether or not he's sober; this will take a few years.....
Take care of you, as you already are doing! Let the ex go, don't let him rent more space in your head....
Hard to say whether or not he's sober; this will take a few years.....
Take care of you, as you already are doing! Let the ex go, don't let him rent more space in your head....
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