Ilovemysonjj

Hello SR Family, So as you all know JJ got out of detox on September 15. I am here to share the insanity that has occurred since that day. It all started when he could not find a suitable rehab or program that would take him because he is now off probation and no longer qualifies for county funding.

He was able to find a sober living that would take him and I agreed to pay for that one month as long as he signed up for Freedom Ranch where there is a 4 to 6 week wait list. He provided me with both the name and phone number of the contact at the sober living which also matched what was on the website for that group.

He comes to meet me on Thursday the 15th to get the money order for $585.00 made out to the sober living and he agreed to send me the receipt and the copy of the agreement. His plan was to recommit to his sponsor as well as go look for a job. He indicates to me that he did not get a hold of the sober living manager before 9 PM but he was allowed to go in since he had sent him a picture of the money order.
He does send me a picture of the apartment (this place is multiple apartments) so I feel like its real.

Friday he goes to secure food stamps and goes to a job fair. He calls me in a panic at 4:30 saying he spilled soda all over the money order. Though this sounds absolutely ridiculous, I need to “fix the problem” so I meet JJ at the bank to reprocess a new money order made out to the sober living. I tell JJ point blank I thought he tried to cash it but was unsuccessful and DENIAL of course.
Over the weekend, I don’t really dialog much with JJ but my gut starts churning. Finally on Sunday night I get copies of the receipts with the amounts which would be for September and October. I start to calm down a bit.

Now Monday rolls around, and my codie relapse kicks into full insanity. I now believe JJ is at sober living so Captain Codie decides its time to take charge. I begin by bombarding JJ’s email with job listings from Craigslist, hounding him on facebook, updating and changing his resume and texting him to call, follow up, etc. I probably spent 3 hours at work doing this! I also am hounding him to remind him of the “interview” he should have had on Tuesday. So then Tuesday rolls around, and I decide that I should start the proceedings to get JJ’s license reinstated SO I print all necessary paperwork, find out the case numbers, AND am prepared to go to court with JJ to get the fines reduced , PAY for the reduced fines, PAY for his drivers license which of course would help him get a higher paying job.

THEN I decide I should also fill out the paperwork to get his felonies dismissed, and I planned to also take another day off work to take him to court to get that done. ANOTHER barrier to employment that Captain Codie (hereafter referred to as CC) should handle right?
CC can now breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that her wayward son will be taken care of as long as he does what she says, which of course he will do right? He will of course hold up his end of the agreement which CC has imposed.

That gut pain has continued to build and swell with every accomplishment that CC has done. The heaviness in spirit, heart and soul. The dread of the next and unknown, the obsessive checking facebook messenger.

So last night God finally stepped in. I received a facebook message that was NOT for me. It was a booty call to some girl inviting her to “come over where I stay and I can show you more than a good time for free at night” and then “cruise over to my room and we will start with a massage”. Its clear that JJ is NOT in sober living and clear he is NOT working the steps with his sponsor.

This kick in the head was an eye opener. I had an epiphany that I was entirely responsible for my actions, and that none of what I expected or did was ever asked of me by JJ. I took it upon my willpower to fix him yet again.

I sent a facebook message to JJ today just letting him know to do what he had to do, but that I would not be a part of his current run. I let him know I wished him the best and that I missed my great son who I had for the last 8 months before the relapse. I said I would take him to rehab or the ranch if he asked, but that would be the extent of my help at this time. I told Him I loved him and I hoped to see him on the other side.

Why be mad at JJ? He is doing what addicts do. I really got a relief when I saw that text because now I know. Now I can stop this foolishness.

I also felt God was gently reminding me to butt out! God has a hand in all things, and how I was informed was actually very clear and very direct. I am certain JJ had no idea he sent that to me until I responded.

I am confessing to you all so that my addiction to my son can be exposed and light shed on this. Addiction loves secrecy which I have been wallowing in for the last 8 days.
Please continue to pray for me and that God continues doing exactly what is needed.
Hugs and love,
Teresa

elissa1962

ILMSJJ (or CC) lol, don't beat yourself up. Its nothing we all have not been guilty of in the past, present or future. We just want them well. Your sense of humor in this post is wonderful (even though its only funny to one who gets it). I will be praying for you and your son JJ. Let Go and Let God indeed. With much love, Elissa

atalose

(((hugs)))

Chino

I hope I always remember the day my therapist said my anger was misdirected, and the person I was really mad at was myself for allowing ______.

Good for you

JimC60

Dear IlovemysonJJ,

I would say that you did pretty well by only falling for it for 8 days! That is a pretty darned short codie relapse, certainly shorter than many of us have had....

It sounds as if you have figured JJ out and have set the needed boundaries so just remember the 3 Cs of JJ's addiction, the second two apply directly to your current situation -- You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it.

Keep coming back,

Jim

Nelly1

Aww that gut wrenching feeling yet liberating feeling of realizing that all of our hard work has been in vain. Yes:. That is how we realize that we are powerless in curing this addiction. As hard as it is to realize, it does help us to grow as best we can as people who love addicts. For instance, It took me a long time to understand that no matter what I did he would or would not use. I remember thinking "if I just stayed home, he wouldn't use that night" so I would cancel my plans only to come home to him already high. That's when I learned that I can leave the house for my own sanity without being plagued by the "what ifs" or blaming myself for his use....... They will do whatever they want and it was I who had to stop being a pawn in the game.

Ilovemysonjj

Thank you everyone for your replies! JJ is INDIGNANT that I would suggest that he relapsed! There you go. What PROOF do you have that I am not at sober living MOM? well what proof do I have that you do? NONE. So I am leaving it at that. I am not going to offer any suggestions or any ideas or any new job postings. He can figure this out it is HIS life.

again2016

So glad God gave you what you needed at that moment....it happens to all of us the detective, the helper.....your beautiful and strong....hugs to you....I know the feeling and have been in your shoes, please take care of you

Ann

His indignity is a dead give away, you no longer need proof, you got it and you got smart, and that, my dear, is called progress.

As I read your post I well remembered the frenzy I would spin in, trying to sort out my son's life and make everything better. The spilling soda on the money order is prime addict 101 and I fell for it more than once. The thing is, our kid's lives just aren't ours to sort out.

I think you hit your "enough" point, at least it sounds that way to me. Turn in your Codie Detective badge please and the Codie Secret Decoder ring too. No more peeking on Facebook, no more anticipating his next move...you no longer need to know.

With love in my heart, I am going to suggest that you get thee to a meeting. And then another. That's where I found my sanity again and reclaimed my life. If it works for me, it works for anyone.

Big hugs from my heart to yours and prayers for JJ...even if I want to take my steel toed bunny slippers and give him a good shinning.

Being the mother of an addict isn't for sissies.

allthatsgood

Teresa- sending you hugs and putting up prayers for you, for your son and all of us who are going through this thing called addiction. I'm sorry for what you've gone through the last couple of weeks. You are strong lady and an inspiration to all of us. Hang in there. Carol

needingabreak

Oh Teresa,
You know I have been down this road multiple times and your story was mine. Right down to the job search and making a resume. Yes I even took tests! I was trying to do the work for my son because deep down I knew he wouldn't so I had to take control and make sure it got done. Sound familiar? BUT, you received a little help from God and saw what you needed to to snap back to reality and letting it go. I think we have all done this dance. The good news is you saw this and took the step back and you not only stopped the codie behavior but you realized you should not be mad at him,that he is doing what an addict does. My prayers are with you and JJ and I hold you dear mom of an addict close to my heart. As Ann states being a parent of an addict is not for sissies. It is probably the worst thing I have ever been through. Praying JJ reaches out and decides to go to sober living . Many hugs.

Refiner

I am so happy you see what a BIG part in his "play" you have held. Time to step away COMPLETELY and let him figure life out.

Twofish

Dear Teresa,
HUGS HUGS HUGS to you my friend. Why can't we break this addiction to our children's addiction? I'm going thru the same thing with my younger daughter. It's like WE need to save them and when we can't, another "ulcer" forms in our gut.
Prayers going up to you Teresa for comfort...please be kind to yourself
Your CC co-captain
TF

Hechosedrugs

So sorry you're going through this. Reminds of when my AX pretended to be in rehab. He came up with some really great stories to tell me every night about meetings and all the characters he was meeting. I'm guessing they were all based on the addicts he was getting high with instead? Sigh.

Anyway, you saw what you were doing and snapped out of it. Kudos to you! That's no easy task, especially when we want so badly to believe them.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, but so proud of how far you've come.

Barkley77

This post really made me reflect on my own actions with my addict ex. When he was "discontent" because he was "getting clean" I spent so much time and energy on coming up with fun activities for us to enjoy clean and sober. I would search for jobs for him when he said his problem was being unhappy at work. I hadn't even thought of these factors until reading your post. He never took the initiative and so I thought I could do it for him. As is often said, if you could will someone to being clean/sober and happy there would be no such thing as addicts. Thanks for sharing. What a ride it is!

Nata1980

Hugs to you - and just know we have all been there, me with XAH, I can only imagine it is x 1,000,000 times harder with a child - they are always our babies


Captain Codependent made me chuckle

Hang in there, and be gentle to yourself

cece1960

Awe, Captain Codie, you must have picked up that cape that I dropped a while back. I used to get in a frenzy that was not unlike the scene in Goodfellows where he explains everything that has to be done including "stirring the sauce".
I'm glad you put the brakes on. When that feeling comes back, remember these days you spent. And, give yourself a big pat on the back for recognizing what was real.

Ilovemysonjj

Thank you everyone! Love the comments. I need to be very aware of that ulcer like feeling because that is the driver of my actions. I know that when his bus pass expires, he will call me and again that will further secure the truth that he is on a run. I am going to ignore his calls that day. Don't need to engage in any bullspit on this issue. I made it clear to him that I would not be funding the buss pass if he didn't have a job by the 25th. He would have had 10 days from his release of detox and any fast food or other retail place hiring would have been his to take.
I love the idea of COMPLETELY detaching. I am praying for that strength.
Love everyone and CC out!

peacelovesober

Hugs and love to you. It is such a hard thing to do. I am sorry you have to endur this but I know that you will make it out so much stronger in the end.

GardenMama

Thank you for this "confession" as it is healing for all of us! The 25th has come and gone...how are you doing? Bus pass calls averted?

I hope you have been to a meeting, and forgiven yourself, and done something lovely for yourself, too.

In the struggle, right by your side! Big hug, sister-friend!