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Wanting to Want Sobriety

Old 09-22-2016, 09:40 AM
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Wanting to Want Sobriety

I've been on and off SR for a few years now, along with it many attempts to get and stay sober. I've managed to string together a few runs here and there, most recently 100 days earlier this year. I'm here on Day 1 again after 5 days of bingeing. I'm 48 and I don't think my body can take this much longer. I'm sober today, and now, and starting to feel somewhat human again- the sweats and anxiety are waning, though I know it will be a restless night of (little) sleep.

Alcoholism confounds me. It's like there's a mechanism that prompts me to forget everything and forego all thought when I go to buy my jumbo bottle of wine. I've tried meditation, AA meetings, recovery plans, you name it. It's like I want sobriety but somehow not enough. Maybe I need to dig deeper and absolutely need to make sobriety priority one, ruthlessly, every day. But, in all of this, I will not give up. Thanks for reading!
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Old 09-22-2016, 10:16 AM
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Originally Posted by SunnyDenver View Post

Alcoholism confounds me.
Confounds me too, but that hasn't kept me from being sober from alcohol since Sept 2010.

You don't have to understand alcoholism to be sober, but you do have to stop drinking.

Once the physical addiction is past, it's all mental. Take drinking off the table completely and recognize that any thoughts of drinking is the insanity of alcoholism. Quit and never change your mind.
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Old 09-22-2016, 10:21 AM
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Originally Posted by SunnyDenver View Post
Maybe I need to dig deeper and absolutely need to make sobriety priority one, ruthlessly, every day.
thats the key

like a drowning man questioning the life preserver

go back to aa and humbly ask for help

youll get it

i did

God bless

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Old 09-22-2016, 11:37 AM
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I'm 49 and never really gave sobriety a chance. Some pretty serious sh*t happened in my life and decided there was no downside of trying to straighten up. So I did. And haven't regretted a second of it. We are at that age where we need to leave it behind. Probably should have done it 10 years ago. Good luck to you man.
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Old 09-22-2016, 01:51 PM
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one concept I found helpful came from the Lifering book ("Empowering your Sober Self"). The idea is that there are two of you -- the one that wants to drink, and the one that wants to be sober. Ambivalence is normal. It doesn't matter that part of you wants to drink. To get sober I just had to choose to side with the part of me that wanted to get sober, and empower that part of me -- do everything I needed to do to strengthen that part, and not follow the other part. So, "wanting to want sobriety" is enough -- if you choose it.
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Old 09-22-2016, 04:35 PM
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As doggonecarl said: Take alcohol off the table. Tell yourself that alcohol is no longer an "option" for you. Create other, more healthy options. Tell yourself that you will enjoy what life you have left MORE if you don't 'consume alcohol and you will enjoy life LESS if you DO consume alcohol. Don't listen to all those stupid ads and messages out there that are pushing alcohol on us; it's everywhere we look. It's glamourized, it's FEATURED, it's OFFERED and served; it's AVAILABLE. Well, have you ever noticed that some of the best things in this world are NOT readily available, but might be more obscure, off the beaten path, more rare, but maybe more precious....so there is some effort required on our part....is it easy to abstain? For some it is. But, addiction is powerful, cunning, baffling....

So: Get alcohol out of your house. Cut your alcohol supply off somehow. Tell yourself you don't want to end up with a pickled brain and a sick liver. End stage alcoholism is brutal.
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Old 09-22-2016, 04:50 PM
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Welcome back! I am 45, and have just under nine months sober. Like you, I spent a few years on and off SR and I alternated between periods of sobriety and failed attempts at moderation.

I have really focused on recovery this time and healthy choices and not just not drinking. I have made lots of positive changes in 2016 and getting sober was the biggest, and allowed for the rest of the choices to fall into place.

I promise you sobriety is worth it, and you can do this!!!
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Old 09-22-2016, 05:30 PM
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AA is not something to be tried AA is something to be done. Meetings are great and key to my sobriety but what keeps me sober is my sponsor and working the steps
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Old 09-22-2016, 06:17 PM
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Welcome back. I think making your sobriety priority number one is the key!

Wishing you lots of strength and patience tonight.
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Old 09-22-2016, 07:07 PM
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oh yes, making it number one priority, looking at daily decisions if they were supporting the sober "side" or in the other direction!

you are in Denver. lots of options for face-to-face, both AA and Lifering.
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Old 09-23-2016, 01:07 AM
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Hi Sunny Denver - welcome back

Looking back I put a heck of a lot of effort into my drinking - not only the getting the booze and drinking it, but hiding it, dealing with the consequences, changing plans cos I was drunk or sick... lying, putting things off...

I finally realised I really needed put that kind of effort into not drinking.

I don't think you need to wait to 'hit bottom' or wait until you're 'ready' - a good part of you is already ready right now, or you wouldn't be here.

What you need to do is listen to your true voice, the one that nourishes you and protects you, and helps you grow...not your addictive voice.

Listen to your true voice and back that up with action and you're well on the way to a different outcome

D
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Old 09-23-2016, 05:37 AM
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Congrats on Day 5. You're doing great.

Yeah, surrender and acceptance. Sure hope I'm there...I know I am today. I know in my heart that I have to attack recovery in the same way I drink. All in. I don't think there's an easier way.
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Old 09-23-2016, 07:30 AM
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Originally Posted by tursiops999 View Post
one concept I found helpful came from the Lifering book ("Empowering your Sober Self"). The idea is that there are two of you -- the one that wants to drink, and the one that wants to be sober. Ambivalence is normal. It doesn't matter that part of you wants to drink. To get sober I just had to choose to side with the part of me that wanted to get sober, and empower that part of me -- do everything I needed to do to strengthen that part, and not follow the other part. So, "wanting to want sobriety" is enough -- if you choose it.
Yes indeed. I like the analogy of the two wolves and feeding the one you must nurture and being vigilant against the one you don't.
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Old 09-23-2016, 07:37 AM
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Originally Posted by teatreeoil007 View Post
As doggonecarl said: Take alcohol off the table. Tell yourself that alcohol is no longer an "option" for you. Create other, more healthy options. Tell yourself that you will enjoy what life you have left MORE if you don't 'consume alcohol and you will enjoy life LESS if you DO consume alcohol. Don't listen to all those stupid ads and messages out there that are pushing alcohol on us; it's everywhere we look. It's glamourized, it's FEATURED, it's OFFERED and served; it's AVAILABLE. Well, have you ever noticed that some of the best things in this world are NOT readily available, but might be more obscure, off the beaten path, more rare, but maybe more precious....so there is some effort required on our part....is it easy to abstain? For some it is. But, addiction is powerful, cunning, baffling....

So: Get alcohol out of your house. Cut your alcohol supply off somehow. Tell yourself you don't want to end up with a pickled brain and a sick liver. End stage alcoholism is brutal.
Thanks- no alcohol in the house! In fact I tossed out all my empties last night and the trash truck came today. Even though they were empty it felt so satisfying to see them gone, does anyone else feel that way? One challenge is that the grocery store where I shop across the street is also where I bought my booze. Thinking I should avoid it for a while....don't put your hand on a hot stove.
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Old 09-23-2016, 07:44 AM
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The part of you that wants to want it is the part to focus on. That's the part that will act on your best behalf and take action to get you sober. Listen to it and act. And do not delay.

One way I see it that helps me: A craving doesn't mean I don't want sobriety or want to throw it all. Not at all. Cravings (just old habits, and a misinterpretation in the survival and reward mechanism in the brain) happen but I do not act on them, because I don't have to act on them, and the more I don't act on them, the less I will crave over time.)

The better part of you wants sobriety. Go with that.
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Old 09-23-2016, 08:56 AM
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Originally Posted by SunnyDenver View Post
It's like I want sobriety but somehow not enough. Maybe I need to dig deeper and absolutely need to make sobriety priority one, ruthlessly, every day. But, in all of this, I will not give up. Thanks for reading!
Ay yi yi yi...do I relate with your post. For me...you nailed it! When I truly "want" sobriety I do know it's there..... it has been in the past for me. And then somewhere along the line I don't want it anymore.

Will there come a day when I will truly let go of some sensuous allure, no matter how ficticious...and grow up... show up really.

For some reason I keep going back to hide.
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Old 09-23-2016, 09:07 AM
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Nonblonde, have you ever listed out the positive and negative consequences of continuing to drink? This might help to put it into perspective, to begin to see clearly and break through the illusions or allure of it all.

This is great for getting it all down: http://www.smartrecovery.org/resourc..._Worksheet.pdf

It has four parts. And it helps to do them all. And to be really detailed and honest when writing it out.
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Old 09-23-2016, 09:12 AM
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I saw somewhere someone using the term, "accountability post" - I love that idea. I'm on Day 2 (not Day 5, but that's coming). I slept OK last night, tossed and turned quite a bit, but I expected that as I've done this Day 2 thing many times. At least I know what to expect in the early days. I'm not working now so I was able to sleep in a bit, make some nutritious meals and make a list of to dos for the day to stay busy but also be kind to myself. I feel a bit fluey, am definitely tired and eating like a horse, but the anxiety of Day 1 has subsided and I'm feeling more optimistic.

It's been a rocky year. I had a bad binge in January and failed to show up for work, and I ended up losing a job of 8 years. Ironically I wasn't happy there and was feeling very stressed and overwhelmed, so I can in some way see the opportunity in the circumstances. For financial reasons I sold my house and moved back with family for a few months- that whole process was also very stressful and I had a few bad relapses that landed me in the ER twice, bruised and battered. So here I am, a 48 year old guy still battling the demon of alcohol, even after all of that. The relapses are getting harder to recover from, and at my age I feel it's now or never.

I'm tired today and feel like lying on the couch and watching movies, but I know I should get involved in AA here. I just want "ahhhh", serenity, peace. I have promised myself to update my action plan - posting here daily is going to be part of that plan, as will putting out prayers of loving kindness to all who are suffering on this board and elsewhere from this crazy thing of addiction.
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Old 09-23-2016, 09:22 AM
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A friend in the rooms shares that he prayed for a willingness to be willing - thought of the this as I read your thread.

Some say we have to be ready. For me I believe that is only looked at in arrears as we gain time. Am I ready? Well, at 3-5-7 years of sobriety I guess the answer was yes!

Making not drinking my number one priority and staying sober long enough for the lights to turn on is what was important for me.

It's the steps we take and not the meetings we make..........that's my ESH
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Old 09-23-2016, 09:57 PM
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Originally Posted by SunnyDenver View Post
I've been on and off SR for a few years now, along with it many attempts to get and stay sober. I've managed to string together a few runs here and there, most recently 100 days earlier this year. I'm here on Day 1 again after 5 days of bingeing. I'm 48 and I don't think my body can take this much longer. I'm sober today, and now, and starting to feel somewhat human again- the sweats and anxiety are waning, though I know it will be a restless night of (little) sleep.

Alcoholism confounds me. It's like there's a mechanism that prompts me to forget everything and forego all thought when I go to buy my jumbo bottle of wine. I've tried meditation, AA meetings, recovery plans, you name it. It's like I want sobriety but somehow not enough. Maybe I need to dig deeper and absolutely need to make sobriety priority one, ruthlessly, every day. But, in all of this, I will not give up. Thanks for reading!
Hey SunnyDenver.. How're you doing?
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