Lost and Confused

Old 09-22-2016, 06:41 AM
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Lost and Confused

So I have been keeping all of this to myself for the past two days and its slowly killing me.

Two nights ago after a night out my boyfriend of a little over a year told me he has been taking suboxone regularly for about 5 years. I knew about his past going into this relationship, he had issues with pain meds and even had gone to detox before we met for them. I had no idea he was still taking something daily, not only taking it but doing it without a prescription. I can't tell if I am being selfish? I feel so hurt that he wouldn't tell me, he says its because he was afraid to lose me and he was ashamed. I would hope he knew that I would never judge or leave him for such a thing. Regardless, last night we talked more. I told him he needed to seek help since the apparently few times he has tried to quit cold turkey haven't worked. I don't know what I am supposed to do, do I push detox everyday until he does it? He says this is what he wants to do, but I don't think he will make the calls and make it a priority. I also don't really understand the drug, he says there is no high from it that it just makes him feel "normal" is this true? Is it common after someone detox's to relapse?

I am so lost, this is so new to me. I just can't believe he lied for this long. Any kind of help in what I can do to help him would really be beneficial.
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Old 09-22-2016, 02:21 PM
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Originally Posted by smc808 View Post
So I have been keeping all of this to myself for the past two days and its slowly killing me.

Two nights ago after a night out my boyfriend of a little over a year told me he has been taking suboxone regularly for about 5 years. I knew about his past going into this relationship, he had issues with pain meds and even had gone to detox before we met for them. I had no idea he was still taking something daily, not only taking it but doing it without a prescription. I can't tell if I am being selfish? I feel so hurt that he wouldn't tell me, he says its because he was afraid to lose me and he was ashamed. I would hope he knew that I would never judge or leave him for such a thing. Regardless, last night we talked more. I told him he needed to seek help since the apparently few times he has tried to quit cold turkey haven't worked. I don't know what I am supposed to do, do I push detox everyday until he does it? He says this is what he wants to do, but I don't think he will make the calls and make it a priority. I also don't really understand the drug, he says there is no high from it that it just makes him feel "normal" is this true? Is it common after someone detox's to relapse?

I am so lost, this is so new to me. I just can't believe he lied for this long. Any kind of help in what I can do to help him would really be beneficial.
What strikes me as alarming is that you say "he takes it even though he has no prescription" ....... Which means he purchases it everyday? Kind of like a drug deal only this "drug" isn't classified as something as awful as others . It's important to know that suboxone is just as addictive as heroin. . Some say more so. Also important to know that this drug contains opiates which is what makes an active opiate addict feel "un-sick". They're body isn't constantly withdrawing because they are receiving a low dose of an opiate. He will need to detox from this and since he isn't taking it in prescribed doses (doctors use a tapering down method) constantly lowering their dose to the point where when they are ready to stop, the withdrawl won't be as brutal. Make no mistake, he is highly addicted to this suboxone.... A few weeks is enough time for your body to get addicted to it let alone a few years. Discontinuing use also opens the door for a relapse to his drug of choice (what he liked before the suboxone). I'm not intending to scare you or discourage you... I just want you to be as informed as possible (in the beginning I wish I knew as much as I do now)

What's scary here (especially with someone who struggles with addiction) is that his actions don't seem to coincide with recovery
1) he has lied about his use to you
2) he purchases the substance illegally
3) he isn't actively trying to stop (actions and words are two different things) expressing a desire to quit without actually following up on that desire is a tactic many addicts use to "tell us what we want to hear and keep us off their backs for a while"

Sending you a hug and some strength!!! I would continue having as many conversations with him as you can, and keep a mental note of whether or not his words match his actions
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Old 09-22-2016, 03:23 PM
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Wondering if you should push detox or not? I would say, be supportive, if you can, but as to ultimatums and "pushing", that is not recommended, generally. I wouldn't call and make any arrangements for him either...he needs to do that himself...and if he won't, then maybe he's not done being an active addict and has no plan except to keep bad withdrawing at arm's length. I know this must be hard to face because you care, but it's probably better that you found out about this now.
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Old 09-22-2016, 04:27 PM
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I went through a similar situation. I found out my STBXAH was taking Suboxone behind my back for years. He was also taking it without a prescription. He downplayed it and told me it was a pain reliever and wasn't addictive. I did a lot of research and found that it is extremely hard to get off of. He started seeing a psychiatrist that starting him on a Suboxone detox program. He put him on several other medications which my STBXAH claimed were to help with the detox from Suboxone but he went and abused those as well. I have read several accounts of people stating you can in fact get high from Suboxone. I was really blind in the beginning and just thought it was for pain relief for my ex and that it was non addictive. Now I know that he was/is addicted to it and it may have been a temporary relief in between his drug use of pain pills. Like someone else said keep a mental note of his actions and not what he tells you.
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Old 09-22-2016, 07:12 PM
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five years is a LONG time to be on subs.....no matter how you get them. i find that a little hard to believe.

detoxing from subs is often HARDER than the original drug of choice, we have a special forum here for that. he has a lot more issues than you can grasp right now. you've only been together a year or so......you do not HAVE to see this play out......you CAN leave any time you want, for any reason. you have no obligation unless you choose to......his problem far preceded you and is likely to continue for a long time.

for those that know very little about drug addiction, i suggest they run before addiction becomes their lives.
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Old 09-23-2016, 05:13 AM
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Thank you everyone for your responses.

We talked again last night about it, I told him I have some major trust issues now and that its not going to be easy to believe him if he does end up off of it because whats to stop him from lying again. I probably sound like some dumb girl who is love with some guy who lied to her and shes being blindsided, but I swear I am not. He has always been honest about his drug use in his past, he had a really awful childhood and his whole family has issues. He is constantly talking to his younger cousin who is headed down the wrong path about stopping drug use and getting on the right track (which now I keep thinking, hypocrite) but he genuinely cares. I can confidently say I dont think he would go back to pain medication although I could see him slipping back into using suboxone if it gets too hard.

He did say he would call a local detox yesterday and he didn't. He told me he was waiting for his boss to get back to work so he can fess up to him and hopefully get some help. Excuse? Maybe.

I know things are hard now and about to become harder, its not easy not being able to help more.

Thanks again for the responses. They helped a lot
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Old 09-23-2016, 01:10 PM
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We can all talk to you until we are blue in the face but ultimately you have to travel as far down this road as it takes you before you realize there is no Oz there usually are no happy endings with active addicts.

Most of us get pretty far down the road before we reach that fork, do we continue on or do we get off?

Best to do research on addiction especially opiate addiction. Look into addict behavior, lying, manipulating like he’s already doing to you are very typical and as the addiction grows so does the behaviors.

5 years is a very long time to be on subs, let alone to be on them off the street and not under a doctor’s care.

One of the things I learned the hard way was when he told me about his drug usage and was looking for kudo’s on being honest with me, WELL, 9 out of 10 times he was only telling me a ¼ of the truth about his actual drug usage.
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Old 09-23-2016, 05:19 PM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post

Most of us get pretty far down the road before we reach that fork, do we continue on or do we get off?

Best to do research on addiction especially opiate addiction. Look into addict behavior, lying, manipulating like he’s already doing to you are very typical and as the addiction grows so does the behaviors.



One of the things I learned the hard way was when he told me about his drug usage and was looking for kudo’s on being honest with me, WELL, 9 out of 10 times he was only telling me a ¼ of the truth about his actual drug usage.
This is so true. I can hear that you are hopeful and feel that you want to support him so that he can be better. But the hard truth is him getting better has zero to do with you. Yes you can go to meetings and not participate in drug use and that kind of thing. But other than that there is nothing that you can do to change his behaviors.

They will tend to lie to you about what they are using or doing, so if he is truly doing that there are clinics in most areas where you go and get it and taper off in a safe manner. You have to ask yourself some questions.
1..Are you ready to devote your life to his recovery whether he is or not?
2..Are you sure that you are ok with the fear of relapse and the addict cycle if he does get sober for your entire relationship.
and
3...What are you willing to tolerate.

I am not wanting to sound harsh, but I have tolerated lies for so long that my AH (married 8 years) him using the entire time has become used to it and so have I. You are valuable and worthy and deserve all the love in the world . A relationship is supposed to grant you a partner and person that is sometimes weak but sometimes strong and you lean on each other. Unfortunately, you will very likely bear a lot of the responsibility if you continue a relationship with an addict that is not in recovery. So if you are willing then that is fine, if not then decide now and live your life.
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