Boyfriend in Rehab
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 2
Boyfriend in Rehab
So here's the deal... my boyfriend of 8 years has finally admitted he has a problem with alcohol and has admitted himself into a 21 day rehab facility. My issue is that he has hurt me so bad idk if I want to be with him when he gets out. I have been emotionally and physically abused for years now and it all lead back to his alcoholism. Every time he was drunk. That's not an excuse. I finally had enough after the last fight we had and I left but I'm currently staying in our home with our dogs while he's there. I have been 100% honest and told him idk if I'd be here when He got out. I don't know if I should give him another chance, I'm not sure that I can forgive all the things he has put me through. But I don't want to mess up his recovery if I do leave. I'm so lost and confused. Idk the right or wrong answer to this and I know it's ultimately my choice but I just wanted some advice from others who have been in my situation. Please help!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,984
Welcome to SR Scared; I am so very glad you found us and posted. It does sound like you have been through the wringer and then some.
Not knowing is probably right where you should be right now. You have been through quite a bit and have some grieving and healing to do. Please treat yourself as kindly as you can. There is no need to make any decisions yet.
Have you been to Alanon? So many folks find it super helpful and it would be good for you to have as much support as possible. Also most folks find Melody Beattie's book Codependent No-More helpful.
May battalions of angels hold you in a soft and healing embrace.
Not knowing is probably right where you should be right now. You have been through quite a bit and have some grieving and healing to do. Please treat yourself as kindly as you can. There is no need to make any decisions yet.
Have you been to Alanon? So many folks find it super helpful and it would be good for you to have as much support as possible. Also most folks find Melody Beattie's book Codependent No-More helpful.
May battalions of angels hold you in a soft and healing embrace.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
His recovery isn't your responsibility. It's his, and his alone. Taking care of yourself is your responsibility. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. If somebody wants to find excuses to drink, they'll find excuses anywhere. The weather's too cold. The weather's too hot. Work was a bummer. Family is a pain. I got a nasty pimple on my cheek and I can't deal with it.
Here's the thing, recovery isn't a magic wand that makes everything better. There are no guarantees on what will happen, and partners often stick around through recovery because they think "Well, he was such a great guy when he wasn't drinking, maybe he'll be a great guy all the time when he doesn't drink any more." Except it doesn't work that way. Sometimes the abuse and the drinking are actually separate issues, and the drinking simply revealed it even more. Personality changes happen through recovery just like they happen during the actual drinking. Sometimes the anger from the alcoholic gets even worse during recovery. Nothing is certain.
We aren't required to forgive terrible things that people have done in the past just because they decide to go to rehab. Apologies are all well and dandy, but at the end of the day they're just words and they can't undo the fact that the actions were done in the first place.
My advice? To put it bluntly, it sounds like you're not in love with him but you're putting out the vibe that you're feeling somehow responsible for his well-being after his 21 day rehab. 21 days is a drop in the bucket in terms of recovery... that's only a barebones detox to get all the alcohol out of his system and to watch out for withdrawal symptoms... the real recovery starts after he gets out and that entails months to years of self discovery, peer support, and/or therapy to get to the root cause of why he started drinking that way in the first place, and to learn how to deal with the stresses of life without drinking. I'd say take care of yourself first, because you're the only person in this particular relationship who can have your best interests in mind.
Here's the thing, recovery isn't a magic wand that makes everything better. There are no guarantees on what will happen, and partners often stick around through recovery because they think "Well, he was such a great guy when he wasn't drinking, maybe he'll be a great guy all the time when he doesn't drink any more." Except it doesn't work that way. Sometimes the abuse and the drinking are actually separate issues, and the drinking simply revealed it even more. Personality changes happen through recovery just like they happen during the actual drinking. Sometimes the anger from the alcoholic gets even worse during recovery. Nothing is certain.
We aren't required to forgive terrible things that people have done in the past just because they decide to go to rehab. Apologies are all well and dandy, but at the end of the day they're just words and they can't undo the fact that the actions were done in the first place.
My advice? To put it bluntly, it sounds like you're not in love with him but you're putting out the vibe that you're feeling somehow responsible for his well-being after his 21 day rehab. 21 days is a drop in the bucket in terms of recovery... that's only a barebones detox to get all the alcohol out of his system and to watch out for withdrawal symptoms... the real recovery starts after he gets out and that entails months to years of self discovery, peer support, and/or therapy to get to the root cause of why he started drinking that way in the first place, and to learn how to deal with the stresses of life without drinking. I'd say take care of yourself first, because you're the only person in this particular relationship who can have your best interests in mind.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, there, and welcome. I haven't personally experienced abuse (I'm here because I was in two alcoholic marriages and am now 8 years sober, myself), but I've worked professionally in the field of domestic violence for many years.
Even though he may always have been drunk when he abused you, abuse and alcoholism are two completely separate issues. Some abusers become more EFFICIENT when they get sober. Getting sober, in and of itself, doesn't address the root causes of abuse, which is typically the desire to exercise power and control.
Since you're already thinking it might be best to move on while he's in rehab, now might be the safest time to do it. Your leaving will not "mess up" his recovery. If he is serious about it, he is perfectly capable of getting sober on his own.
I STRONGLY suggest you contact your local women's shelter and/or the National Domestic Violence Hotline and talk with an advocate. You don't have to stay at the shelter to use their services. Living with an alcoholic is confusing and frustrating, and living with abuse can make you doubt yourself. Please talk with someone about what's been going on at home. Nobody will make you do something you aren't ready to do, but this is an opportunity to gather information that will help you to stay safe and to recover, whether he stays sober or not, and whether you leave or stay.
Even though he may always have been drunk when he abused you, abuse and alcoholism are two completely separate issues. Some abusers become more EFFICIENT when they get sober. Getting sober, in and of itself, doesn't address the root causes of abuse, which is typically the desire to exercise power and control.
Since you're already thinking it might be best to move on while he's in rehab, now might be the safest time to do it. Your leaving will not "mess up" his recovery. If he is serious about it, he is perfectly capable of getting sober on his own.
I STRONGLY suggest you contact your local women's shelter and/or the National Domestic Violence Hotline and talk with an advocate. You don't have to stay at the shelter to use their services. Living with an alcoholic is confusing and frustrating, and living with abuse can make you doubt yourself. Please talk with someone about what's been going on at home. Nobody will make you do something you aren't ready to do, but this is an opportunity to gather information that will help you to stay safe and to recover, whether he stays sober or not, and whether you leave or stay.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Scared...I strongly support the idea of talking to an abuse counselor.
If you decide to leave...he would have the staff at the rehab center to assist him in working through his own feelings and reactions.....
Your first reaponsibility is for your own welfare...
If you decide to leave...he would have the staff at the rehab center to assist him in working through his own feelings and reactions.....
Your first reaponsibility is for your own welfare...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Scared,
Welcome and glad you had enough strength to reach out for help while he is getting help. Alcohlism is a family disease, we r as sick as them. You got some great advice up top.
Stopping drinking is actually the easy part. Growing up, sobering up and working a program is what it is all about. If he chooses this way of life for himself it will be a 24 hour job and a lot of work. To be very honest most addicts fail the first try.
This is your time now. Seek out alanon, or open aa meetings, read books, read the stickies above, keep asking questions to educate yourself about addiction. Empower yourself to take your life back. Move slowly and it will all fall into place the way it is suppose too. Hugs my friend, and keep coming back!!
Welcome and glad you had enough strength to reach out for help while he is getting help. Alcohlism is a family disease, we r as sick as them. You got some great advice up top.
Stopping drinking is actually the easy part. Growing up, sobering up and working a program is what it is all about. If he chooses this way of life for himself it will be a 24 hour job and a lot of work. To be very honest most addicts fail the first try.
This is your time now. Seek out alanon, or open aa meetings, read books, read the stickies above, keep asking questions to educate yourself about addiction. Empower yourself to take your life back. Move slowly and it will all fall into place the way it is suppose too. Hugs my friend, and keep coming back!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 2
Thank you all so much for the words of wisdom. I am going to seek help myself to try and figure out what I need to do. I have come to the conclusion that I do need to take care of myself. I think this past time when things got really tough and I left I just became completely done. And when we get to that point nothing else matters. I'm just so beside myself on which way to go or what the right thing to do is. And I know there isn't one right answer. Would an alanoal meeting help? Or going to a counselor be better?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Scared....I think that seeing an abuse counselor would be the best immediate step for the situation that you describe......
Nothing against alanon, of course...and, you could add that , later, for the l onger term....but, it is not designed, specifically for abusive situations....
Nothing against alanon, of course...and, you could add that , later, for the l onger term....but, it is not designed, specifically for abusive situations....
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