Ali43

I've tried to tell myself I can stop anytime but then realised I couldn't. As soon as I realised how hard it would be I kept telling myself I'll cut down and stop my drinking gradually. That has now turned into my acceptance that I can't cut down and either carry on drinking or stop for good and admit I am an alcoholic and can't control my drinking. My current situation is that I drinks 2 bottles of 11/12% wine every weekday night and sometimes double that at the weekend (if I don't have the kids) Every morning I wake up telling myself I won't drink but my conviction for sticking to my word is getting weaker day by day. No one knows, I drink in secret, hiding the bottles and disposing of them daily so there's no evidence in the house. I'm disgusted with myself, hate myself but can't find the strength or conviction to get myself out of this self destructive cycle. I can't confidence in my doctor as when I did they were more interested in taking my children away than helping me. I 100% believe that it's my kids are the reason for fighting this and without them I'd just give up completely to whatever addiction came my way. I'd love to find some help, support and advice now that I've finally put words to my horrible secret. I'm hoping to find that extra strength from others that have been where I am and won the battle or are in the same place and currently fighting the same daily battle with alcohol addiction. Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

Void

I was in a very similar situation, and perhaps I still am, because it's still very early days for me in terms of sobriety.

There are many very wise, long-sober people here who were once utterly consumed by alcohol - all of them have proved that sobriety is achievable and that it's also a far, far happier place to be than addiction.

Some addicts get sober for a long time and then fall back into addiction. Have you ever, ever heard one of those people say that they're glad they started drinking/using again, and that it's better than being sober? I thought not. So there's the answer.

One thing I've seen a lot here is people saying that you have to want to be sober more than you want to drink in order to stand a good chance of being successful. Having read your post, it seems to me that you're ready to take the next step towards an alcohol-free life. Good luck.

least

Welcome to the family. I used to drink alone and hate myself too. Since I got sober for good, I no longer wake up feeling horrible and hating myself. I hope our support can help you get sober too.

Steely

Can you see a drug and alcohol counsellor who would help you rather than drive you further into secrecy by threatening the loss of your children? You need support. I just picked up after 8 months of sobriety....it lasted 2 days but was so totally horrible. I promise you sobriety is soooo much better, no more hiding, no more shame, fear and anxiety. Any anxiety you feel will be "normal" anxiety. You will be free. You CAN do it.

Ali43

Thank you for your kind words Void. I know that what you say is true but I don't understand why I can't train my brain to understand this. I'm an intelligent, healthy eating, fully functioning adult but every day all that goes to pot and I end up buying another couple of bottles! Why do I do this to myself, knowing it isn't helping me stop :-(

Anna

Hi Ali,

I was like you, believing I would be able to stop when I decided to. Boy was I wrong. It's hard to stop and it takes a lot of motivation, but you can do it. Look around here and you will find lots of inspiration and success stories.

Following is a list of ideas and plans for recovery:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

REsoberALITY

Hello and Welcome Ali43. This is great place to start and you'll find tons of support and encouragement here.

Ali43

Wow! Thank you for all your support and kind words. I've tried alcohol support groups over the last year but because of my limited time due to family and work and the agencies lack of contact and minimal staffing I've taken the easy option and stopped trying. I know that I should keep trying but for every day I have of feeling positive and proactive in then have weeks and weeks of losing faith and giving in to my addiction. That's why I hate myself so much because I know there's a part of me that can fix it but that part is getting blocked out by the horrible addict in me. What do you do when you're fully aware of how to fix things but don't physically do it?? :-(

cwood3

Eureka!!! I am so glad to hear you say that. I don't know what you have done to TRY to retrain your brain about alcohol, but I personally believes that needs to occur. I'm trying to do just that. I feel like I am getting there. I am not qualified to say what works or what doesn't. All any of us here have is personal experience. So I'm just going to share one thing...and it may sound kind of hokey. I will finish up reading a book tonight. This book is about how alcohol affects the mind, and how the mind interacts with alcohol. It's well written without a massive dose of clinical jargon (but it does touch on the basics). It's not a very long book. I think I paid $13.00 + shipping on Amazon. The first 40 or so pages can be read for free online without having to pay anything. It claims that by the time you finish the book, you will be armed with the knowledge about how your brain interacts with alcohol so that quitting becomes a conscious logical choice. It is having that effect on me. I have no financial interest in this book.

It is This Naked Mind by Annie Grace. That's all I can say. I do wish all the best for you in any way you choose to battle alcohol.

I am cwood3 and I approved this message.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Ali!!

gettingsmarter

Welcome Ali43

Elle126

Hello darling Ali, thank you so much for taking the courage to post on here. It's so difficult to actually surrender to the fact that our drinking is out of control and you will find many many people here just like you who became underground drinkers.
There is no joy in addiction, only pain and shame, frustration.... "Omg why did I do that again?" The broken promises to oneself and others, the sincere intent to not drink today only to find its 10pm and somehow there's an empty bottle. The determination to prove that willpower will work only to keen in horror at yet another fail. The self loathing, the despair, the self recriminations, feeling weak and so utterly unworthy... The absolute bleakness of it all....
What a terrible terrible life we give to ourselves in our addiction.
Today you took your first big step, you came here and you chose to step out of the darkness into the light. You are no different to every one of us here Ali, we have all been where you are now and some are still there, struggling daily - just a bunch of people from all over the world trying to help each other get and stay sober..
I commend your honesty and your courage, do this for YOU, believe YOU deserve recovery,YOU deserve a life of peace and serenity, a life without shame and self loathing coz to quote the vile loreal ads "You're worth it".
Stay close, keep posting and allow all of the wise and wonderful people on here to guide you through.
Peace and blessings
Elle🙏

blueberry2015

Bless you, I too was in the same place, im 10 months sober now and free from that hellish nightmare. Def def seek the support of an drug and alcohol counsellor, they will be able to help you stop drinking safely. Also, try your local AA meeting too.

I know how helpless and scared you may feel, but honestly... you CAN break free from this. Its been the best bloody decision I have ever made in my life and you too can have a happy sober life. It can happen x x x

Lots of love x

SunnyDenver

I too have been a two bottles of wine a day drinker, sometimes more when I'm on a multi day binge. On my Day 1 again here. It's almost noon and the anxiety is waning a bit and I managed to eat something. Every breath, every minute it will get better- one more minute of sobriety. I had a week of sobriety last week and couldn't believe how good I felt on Day 7. But I keep getting back up because I want to live, be happy, and be sober! Good luck, I'll follow you...

Ali43

Thank you for all the support and advice offered. I never expected to feel this positive after just 1 post. I am going to try and post regularly as I am alone with my problem. Having no one to talk to makes dealing with it very hard. I've tried to do it on my own and have got worse rather than better. My job and home life make it very difficult to attend group meetings and my options for 121 are limited but I'm going to try again to find anew alcohol counsellor. Today is the first day I haven't had a drink! I'd like to feel proud of myself but I think it's only because I've had to work very late, so have avoided the afternoon and evening mind battles that always end in addiction winning and me drinking. I wish I could function the same at home as I do at work, but it never works that way and that makes me even more angry with myself. I don't understand why my addiction works like this??

cwood3

....all the more reason to research and learn why. Once you understand the "why" part, the "fix" part becomes a lot more intuitive.

teatreeoil007

I think you are right that "re-training the brain" needs to happen. How to do that? What works for one person may not work for another, but how about FEAR for starters? FEAR of where you will end up if you keep drinking. Play the tape forward and think about the things that could happen if you keep drinking. Like you've said, you've kept it to secret drinking so far, but alcoholism is a PROGRESSIVE thing, which most of us know about so well....and you'll find that two bottles of wine a night aren't giving you what you want to feel, so you'll up it to 2.5 bottles, then 3 bottles, 3.5 and so on until you are consuming WAY more alcohol than you ever anticipated you would...think about that and think about what it does to your brain and body. My impression is that you care about yourself and are concerned enough to post here....so think about where you could end up.

Hammers

Hiding and throwing away the evidence
the next day. I know, it makes you feel
horrible, but at the same time, you feel
ok that it's gone. then do it again and
again and the cycle is impossible to break.

I know how hard it is.

Post on here, it helps..

MariahGayle

So glad you posted Ali....you have found a wonderful community here & are not alone in your struggle with addiction...you are not alone in this! You'll find much support & encouragement here. Be kind to yourself!

Dee74

Welcome Ali

I really believe it's never to late to start on chapter 2
I'm glad you found us.

D