JessicaNAJ

Last night my AH drove home drunk - no trashed. Anyway that car is in my name.

I just got off the phone with him and he told me that he was going to give me the keys to his car because he can't trust himself. He also said he needs to go back to AA. He said, "that way I didn't have to worry."

I was almost ready to call an attorney until I got this phone call.

I know I've been crying and asking what should I do, what should I do, but I've also been doing a lot of work internally for myself.

I'm trying "really" hard to work on doing for me and Watch out for me and my kids. This is the side I show him. I don't let him know that I'm really confused about how I should feel and what I should do.

Maybe, this is forcing him to realize things for himself.

I guess I'm still hoping. Why can't I let go??

kfa2004

JessicaNAJ-
I really can't give you any advice. I'm still on the "I can't let go" marrygoround myself and my AH left me for another woman. We have been together 25 years and I love him very much and ache because he is not here. The only thing I can tell you is that with the passage of time I do have a few days where I don't hurt as much but the thoughts of him are always there. I can tell you that we are here to listen to you and support you.
I wish for you a blessed day.
Hugs
Kat

Petunia

Jess,

Letting go just means letting go of the things we can't control. I don't believe that letting go needs to mean you lose hope. Hope is what keeps us alive in hard times, but hope is not reality. And we are all working hard at living in the real world, addressing those issues that are ours to address, and making the changes that we NEED to make in order for us to thrive, not just survive. Although at times surviving is the best we can do for that day - when that's the case, that's the case and we can't make it be any different.

Needing to do something and doing it are not the same - we are all learning this lesson. Also, pretending that things are okay, or not wrong, or not crazy, or not painful is the child in us trying to avoid more pain. I struggle with this aspect almost every day but there are days that I really feel that the pain has lessened because I address the issue head on. Kind of like pulling off a band-aid - one quick yank and it's done versus the slow and painful little-by-little option.

You don't have to lose hope - just add some self-care to the mixture.

Peace for today -
Petunia

Gracey

Letting go is a very hard step.......and just when I think I am there.....I let myself get manupilated into believing that he sees the errors of his ways......and he makes promises that he is unable to keep.......and he really dont mean to make empty promises......I really believe when he say I promise he means it at that time.....he really believes it and I think he really try's.....but his sickness is so beyond his control......and unless he seeks help for himself.....he is going to go down this continous pattern of promising and breaking promises.....that is why it is so important to work on yourself......I dont let myself believe promises from him......it only gives me cause for false hope, it only give me false expectations.....I know that he will really try for a couple of weeks.....and then it will go back into the same pattern......So I am going to work on breaking my pattern for me and stop believing his empty promises....

ASpouse

This is the wrong reason for him to go back to AA ...... has he admitted he is powerless over alcohol? Probably not it seems.

Even if an alcoholic goes to AA that in no way condones the damage they have done to their SO and their families. All you can do is concentrate on you and not worry about them.

By him giving you his keys because he "can't control himself" is just another way of manipulating you and holding you in a situation you don't want to be in and making you feel like you are "helping" him get better.

Tell him to keep the damn keys and be responsible for himself. Get that car out of your name. That's easy enough to do.

Rose56

Hi Jessica, I agree with Aspouse, get the car out of your name. That is one step you can take for yourself. Nothing forces someone to see what is going on - sometimes they just allow themselves to see it. I agree that taking care of yourself and your kids is the most important thing. This is very hard with an active A in the picture. They can capture your attention so that you don't have time to focus on the stuff you need to do for you and your kids. This is where Alanon helps, get yourself some support in face to face alanon meetings if you can. I need all the support that I can get. My kids are just about grown now, and I wish I had spent more time engaged with them and less time worrying over the A. Take back your life. You can do it.

JessicaNAJ

Thank you for your support and for being here - I'm so glad I found you.

Thank you, again, for putting some things into perspective for me. I picture "letting go" as me letting go of him. You reminded me, it don't have to be that big of a step. I need to learn to let go of worrying, caretaking, etc.

He talks all the time about what he "NEEDS" to do. Actions speak louder than words.

I have to admit, him offering to give me his keys took a huge load off my shoulders.

I'm going get that car out of my name as soon as possible believe me, but until then, I will take his keys. I can't handle the responsibility of putting a lethal weapon in a drunks hands.

When the car is in his name, then I will give his keys to him, because then they will belong to him. I just pray that he will never seriously hurt something or someone. That is my biggest fear. Because we are married, if he screws up, we'd get sued as a family, not just him. I've worked hard to get to where I am. I've gotten us a house, supported everyone, including him during his times being off work. I've gotten us out of debt, basically, I took care of all the important things. If he continues to make irresponsible descisions that could mess up everything I've worked for, I'm going to have call an attorney. I'm not affraid to be alone, I have been for 14 years. And I know I can take care of myself.

cwohio

sounds like you are on the right path jessica - keep it up! lots of hugs to you!

cwohio

brightlight

My husband says he does not drink and drive, but he does. He also told me that he would not sign up for the pool league after I had such a fit, but now I am wondering if the whole thing about leaving was he knew I was going to have a fit about pool and that maybe he even shot pool on Sat. I am not sure, but he said that he will be subing on pool across the street on Wednesday. I told him he could sub across the street, but how would he know they need a sub yet? LOL I do not care. I do not care if he did sign up on a league and drives across town drunk. I give up! I had a wonderful day just thinking of the kids and me yesterday, and he missed supper and came home feeling miserable. For the first time he called me on the phone and wondered if everything was okay and I said yes. He said I thought I better call since I know you worry about me. LOL I was getting ready for bed. Today he is very nice and happy. I know he is not leaving and I am not yelling, and my kids are happy. Letting go is good, but I kept thinking I had to stop loving my husband to let go. I found out that is not true. I still love him and he is still here, but he has the problems and not me. The truck he drives is in his name. I was mad at first, but now I am glad for that.

JessicaNAJ

I do love my husband, I just don't love the life he brings into our house. It's not worth the aggravation and I can't have it in my house anymore.

His car - well, my car - is at my house now. Thank goodness. I feel very relieved. It will stay there until he gets it in his name.