Alcoholism and the In-Laws
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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Alcoholism and the In-Laws
Hello, all. I am new to this forum. My husband is an alcoholic and finally hit (what I consider to be) rock bottom. Like...the police and fire department had to come to our house kind of rock bottom.
He was so ashamed the next day and I, of course, was livid. I told him I was on the verge of taking my daughter (from a previous marriage) and leaving him. Enough is enough! He was so remorseful and sorry, but guess what? The very next day he comes home with a big ol' bottle of vodka. I went berzerk. I called his parents to let them know what their (perfect in their eyes) son was doing and to implore their help. They know he has a problem! They are the ultimate enablers and are exquisitely talented at sticking their heads in the sand.
My MIL ends up sending me this long barrage of texts that basically said that I just needed to go, that her son was fine before "I crashed into his life" and that he'll be fine afterwards...that it was my fault, that I'm a bad mother, etc. etc. etc. She prefaced it all with "you'll probably hate me after this, but that's okay"
Well...I don't hate anybody, but needless to say, my feelings were hurt and a relationship that was never warm and fuzzy to begin with is now completely nonexistant.
I'm trying really hard to make sense of it all and to find forgiveness in my heart, but less than a month after all this, I'm just not there yet. I will say that my husband has started going to AA and that after "The Big Bottle Incident" he has not had anything to drink.
Thoughts/Advice/Anything to help me? I know it's unrealistic and unhealthy to just sever this MIL/DIL relationship for good. At the same time, I don't feel the need to apologize for speaking the truth!!!
He was so ashamed the next day and I, of course, was livid. I told him I was on the verge of taking my daughter (from a previous marriage) and leaving him. Enough is enough! He was so remorseful and sorry, but guess what? The very next day he comes home with a big ol' bottle of vodka. I went berzerk. I called his parents to let them know what their (perfect in their eyes) son was doing and to implore their help. They know he has a problem! They are the ultimate enablers and are exquisitely talented at sticking their heads in the sand.
My MIL ends up sending me this long barrage of texts that basically said that I just needed to go, that her son was fine before "I crashed into his life" and that he'll be fine afterwards...that it was my fault, that I'm a bad mother, etc. etc. etc. She prefaced it all with "you'll probably hate me after this, but that's okay"
Well...I don't hate anybody, but needless to say, my feelings were hurt and a relationship that was never warm and fuzzy to begin with is now completely nonexistant.
I'm trying really hard to make sense of it all and to find forgiveness in my heart, but less than a month after all this, I'm just not there yet. I will say that my husband has started going to AA and that after "The Big Bottle Incident" he has not had anything to drink.
Thoughts/Advice/Anything to help me? I know it's unrealistic and unhealthy to just sever this MIL/DIL relationship for good. At the same time, I don't feel the need to apologize for speaking the truth!!!
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Well, that's not the first time I've heard " my son, my son, my son " (Dreamy Eyed). As the mother of a son I understand. Heck, my son? He walks on water. Lol
Take it for what it is. Short of beating the tar out of him What is she going to do? Blame you, of course. Try not to take it personal. I know its hard.
As for him?? You may think he has hit rock bottom but don't count on it. Obviously that whole police, fire department episode wasn't enough to snap him into recovery if he bought a bottle of vodka the next day. So I guess my question is what are you going to do for you and your daughter? I'm sure that you don't want your daughter growing up thinking that this kind of chaos is normal in relationships. I also had the pleasure of experiencing the police, medic, emergency room episode not once but twice. NOT FUN! Actually I was mortified. And it didn't change anything...he's still drinking as far as I know. I was grateful that it was me and not my son who found him the second time. That's when I asked myself " what kind of a parent am I to allow my son to continue to be witness to this craziness?" .
Step outside for a moment and look in. Is this what you want for you and your daughter? Nothing changes if nothing changes, Ya know?
Keep posting... ITS ALL ABOUT YOU! Remember that!
Take it for what it is. Short of beating the tar out of him What is she going to do? Blame you, of course. Try not to take it personal. I know its hard.
As for him?? You may think he has hit rock bottom but don't count on it. Obviously that whole police, fire department episode wasn't enough to snap him into recovery if he bought a bottle of vodka the next day. So I guess my question is what are you going to do for you and your daughter? I'm sure that you don't want your daughter growing up thinking that this kind of chaos is normal in relationships. I also had the pleasure of experiencing the police, medic, emergency room episode not once but twice. NOT FUN! Actually I was mortified. And it didn't change anything...he's still drinking as far as I know. I was grateful that it was me and not my son who found him the second time. That's when I asked myself " what kind of a parent am I to allow my son to continue to be witness to this craziness?" .
Step outside for a moment and look in. Is this what you want for you and your daughter? Nothing changes if nothing changes, Ya know?
Keep posting... ITS ALL ABOUT YOU! Remember that!
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
You have a child on your hands, he needs to move out. I would work on that. Ignore the in-laws. XAH moved in with his brother and mother lives next door - they always make a point of telling me as to how happy he is there - well he has free housing and food, no childcare responsibilities, still employed marginally as always, sober as far as I know - but not much growing up is happening.
Maybe you could give your MIL the "gift of A" back....
As far as rock bottoms go - does not sound like it was his and maybe not even yours yet. Hang in there and protect your daughter.
My rock bottom came when we were shuttling AH around rehabs and detox facilities, looking for a spot. Looking back, I should have outsourced it to AA sponsor and not subject my son to that
On the other hand I may still have been with him if I did not whiteness that crazy nonsense
Maybe you could give your MIL the "gift of A" back....
As far as rock bottoms go - does not sound like it was his and maybe not even yours yet. Hang in there and protect your daughter.
My rock bottom came when we were shuttling AH around rehabs and detox facilities, looking for a spot. Looking back, I should have outsourced it to AA sponsor and not subject my son to that
On the other hand I may still have been with him if I did not whiteness that crazy nonsense
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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I'd just let things be for the moment. If he's going to AA and not drinking, you can see how all of that plays out. I'd highly recommend Al-Anon for you.
Let the relationship with the MIL sit for a while, too. While the things she said were ugly, as pointed out above, what did you expect HER to do about it? It's not her job to fix him, any more than it is yours. You sort of dumped this mess on her and she retaliated (in a rather unkind way). If you read these forums for posts from parents of alcoholics, they are helpless and fearful, too. It's easier for her to blame you than to look at the situation for what it is.
You don't have to decide anything permanent right now. It's probably for the best if you limit your contact with his family for the time being until things settle a bit. As you work on your own recovery (something I really, REALLY recommend), you may find that you can re-establish a neutral relationship with them again.
Hugs,
Let the relationship with the MIL sit for a while, too. While the things she said were ugly, as pointed out above, what did you expect HER to do about it? It's not her job to fix him, any more than it is yours. You sort of dumped this mess on her and she retaliated (in a rather unkind way). If you read these forums for posts from parents of alcoholics, they are helpless and fearful, too. It's easier for her to blame you than to look at the situation for what it is.
You don't have to decide anything permanent right now. It's probably for the best if you limit your contact with his family for the time being until things settle a bit. As you work on your own recovery (something I really, REALLY recommend), you may find that you can re-establish a neutral relationship with them again.
Hugs,
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 4
Thanks, Ya'll
I read the responses so far and many good points were made.
I'm not leaving my husband. As long as he keeps going to AA and isn't drinking, this is a loving, Godly home. We've thrown ourselves into church and I have true hope for a good outcome. Leaving/moving/divorce would only give the enemy victory and would result in more turmoil for my daughter. I've been with this man for 10 years.
I think I need to start attending Al Anon. And I think the advice about just letting things lay for now is good. No need to stir that hornets nest.
I actually would welcome a respite from that side of the family for a bit.
Thank you all again for the encouraging words. My daughter is 13 and up until the police/fire dept. incident (he'd fallen and has a birth defect that makes it hard for him to physically get up....combine that with being intoxicated and...well....you get the idea) she didn't know he had a problem. He's one of those highly functioning types....(sigh). I've got her in counseling anyways to deal with teenage issues and some issues with her bio dad. She's really become involved in church, too, which seems to be helping immensely. Please know that she is #1 in my life and I am doing everything I can to keep her life stable and healthy.
I just purchased the Al Anon book for my Kindle....that should be a good start. Thank you again!!!
I'm not leaving my husband. As long as he keeps going to AA and isn't drinking, this is a loving, Godly home. We've thrown ourselves into church and I have true hope for a good outcome. Leaving/moving/divorce would only give the enemy victory and would result in more turmoil for my daughter. I've been with this man for 10 years.
I think I need to start attending Al Anon. And I think the advice about just letting things lay for now is good. No need to stir that hornets nest.
I actually would welcome a respite from that side of the family for a bit.
Thank you all again for the encouraging words. My daughter is 13 and up until the police/fire dept. incident (he'd fallen and has a birth defect that makes it hard for him to physically get up....combine that with being intoxicated and...well....you get the idea) she didn't know he had a problem. He's one of those highly functioning types....(sigh). I've got her in counseling anyways to deal with teenage issues and some issues with her bio dad. She's really become involved in church, too, which seems to be helping immensely. Please know that she is #1 in my life and I am doing everything I can to keep her life stable and healthy.
I just purchased the Al Anon book for my Kindle....that should be a good start. Thank you again!!!
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
I hope it all works out - sounds like he is on a right track
Al-anon book is great and helped me a lot during AH's first relapse.
sorry if my post came across as advice to leave your AH, my point was that you should not have to "move out".
Hugs to you and DD
Al-anon book is great and helped me a lot during AH's first relapse. sorry if my post came across as advice to leave your AH, my point was that you should not have to "move out".
Hugs to you and DD
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 202
Originally Posted by bamagirl1980 
My MIL ends up sending me this long barrage of texts that basically said that I just needed to go, that her son was fine before "I crashed into his life" and that he'll be fine afterwards...that it was my fault, that I'm a bad mother, etc. etc. etc. She prefaced it all with "you'll probably hate me after this, but that's okay"
A lot of us have been through being blamed by the in-laws / outlaws
These two threads may be of interest to you ...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hem-drink.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ntral-com.html
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
I received some very similar emails from my MIL after the last time (that I know of) he was arrested. I called 911... she was mad, and decided to tell me all the things about me that she has never liked, and that she thinks I'm equally to blame, blah blah blah...
I emailed her back, some things that I know probably hurt her as well ... and I wish I would have chosen to respond differently, looking back, or not have responded at all...
I didn't communicate with her at all until the last month or two. I would have been fine with never speaking to her again... but she is my children's grandmother, and I don't want them to lose out on having a relationship with her.
I agree with what was stated above, that it is probably best to let it settle for a while.
And definitely get to Al-anon if you can, and keep posting here.
Big hugs to you!
I emailed her back, some things that I know probably hurt her as well ... and I wish I would have chosen to respond differently, looking back, or not have responded at all...
I didn't communicate with her at all until the last month or two. I would have been fine with never speaking to her again... but she is my children's grandmother, and I don't want them to lose out on having a relationship with her.
I agree with what was stated above, that it is probably best to let it settle for a while.
And definitely get to Al-anon if you can, and keep posting here.
Big hugs to you!
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