Birthday blues
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Birthday blues
I am an absolute mess. I just can't accept that I'm not the only one throwing my kids' birthday party this year, as I've always done before. No, this year they get a second birthday party- thrown by my wicked tweaker MIL who's been hell-bent on outdoing me since day one. She screwed up with her own kids and lost custody, so she's been trying to play mother to my boys ever since they were born.
I just threw my kids an absolutely amazing birthday party and they enjoyed it so much. Why can't I be happy about that? Instead my mind is fixated on the spectacular cake I'm sure she'll make (she's a really great artist) and all the other fun things she might have planned.
I spent so many years trying to establish boundaries with her. She was always trying to counteract everything I did for my kids- I didn't want them to play video games, so she got them a whole Rock Band setup even though I explicitly asked her not to, I try to feed them healthy foods, she'd come over almost every night with cheetos and candy...
Everything about this divorce is backfiring, I can't stand it! I try to protect my kids and now they see my AH more than I ever. They're eating more junk food than ever, watching more TV, playing video games constantly...
I know he'll mess up eventually, I know he'll get caught doing something, but it's the waiting. It's killing me.
Anything that can calm my mind? Please help me put this to rest!
I just threw my kids an absolutely amazing birthday party and they enjoyed it so much. Why can't I be happy about that? Instead my mind is fixated on the spectacular cake I'm sure she'll make (she's a really great artist) and all the other fun things she might have planned.
I spent so many years trying to establish boundaries with her. She was always trying to counteract everything I did for my kids- I didn't want them to play video games, so she got them a whole Rock Band setup even though I explicitly asked her not to, I try to feed them healthy foods, she'd come over almost every night with cheetos and candy...
Everything about this divorce is backfiring, I can't stand it! I try to protect my kids and now they see my AH more than I ever. They're eating more junk food than ever, watching more TV, playing video games constantly...
I know he'll mess up eventually, I know he'll get caught doing something, but it's the waiting. It's killing me.
Anything that can calm my mind? Please help me put this to rest!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
well, you know it's NOT a competition right? it FEELS like it, but there can't be any one upmanship if you change your viewpoint. which i know is easier said than done.
so the kid gets an EXTRA BD party! yay for him, right? RIGHT????
when our kids go to visit other relatives, or have visitation time with the other parent, we DO lose the ability to control the environment. we can't force gramma or the ex to feed them vegetables. we can't spy thru the window and cut the cord to the Xbox to prevent them from watching or playing videos. we can't make sure they are in bed promptly at 8pm. or even that they brush their teeth. those are some of the natural outcomes of being exposes to other environments.
unless you fear for their safety - like there is active drug use, loaded weapons, or a rodent infestation, we have to try and learn to just let it be ok. enforce our rules and our boundaries in our own home.
so does the MIL live next door or something? trying to figure out the candy and cheetos thing. you can tell her to NOT bring treats to the house, or if she does, that you TAKE them and give them to the children as and when you deem fit, or not at all. she is not going to readily uphold YOUR boundaries, nor is that HER job......it's yours. which isn't exactly FUN, but it is what it is.........
so the kid gets an EXTRA BD party! yay for him, right? RIGHT????
when our kids go to visit other relatives, or have visitation time with the other parent, we DO lose the ability to control the environment. we can't force gramma or the ex to feed them vegetables. we can't spy thru the window and cut the cord to the Xbox to prevent them from watching or playing videos. we can't make sure they are in bed promptly at 8pm. or even that they brush their teeth. those are some of the natural outcomes of being exposes to other environments.
unless you fear for their safety - like there is active drug use, loaded weapons, or a rodent infestation, we have to try and learn to just let it be ok. enforce our rules and our boundaries in our own home.
so does the MIL live next door or something? trying to figure out the candy and cheetos thing. you can tell her to NOT bring treats to the house, or if she does, that you TAKE them and give them to the children as and when you deem fit, or not at all. she is not going to readily uphold YOUR boundaries, nor is that HER job......it's yours. which isn't exactly FUN, but it is what it is.........
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 293
Ughhh I may be in the same boat soon. I need advice on this too as my STBXMIL sounds so similar to yours. Stay strong...keep your boundaries and I'm sure like you said it's just a matter of time before the other shoe drops.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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HCD......I must say, that having raised three kids that visited their father, I have go to say that I am in agreement with Anvil's view.....
It is not a competition......it is not a war....
By being so rigid on these points...it may be doing the kids more harm than good in the long run......
It is not a competition......it is not a war....
By being so rigid on these points...it may be doing the kids more harm than good in the long run......
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
I have to agree with Anvil. Being a grandparent myself, I love spoiling my grandchildren and just "having fun." That is what grandparents do.
I understand you feeling the way you do but maybe you need to let the control go and be glad that they are interested enough to enjoy them. MY in-laws loved my kids but barely paid attention to them.
Try to work with it the best you can.
I understand you feeling the way you do but maybe you need to let the control go and be glad that they are interested enough to enjoy them. MY in-laws loved my kids but barely paid attention to them.
Try to work with it the best you can.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
I am not in any way, shape or form glad that a meth-addled crazy person is interested in my kids! Sorry, not sorry! She is not the traditional bake cookies and brownies and come cheer at sporting events Grandma. She's a "I'll stop by for an hour after their bed time (after I've picked up my meth) and insist they watch YouTube videos and eat cheetos with me because, well, I'm here already, are you really going to turn me away" type. Not to mention she once made me an unwitting drug transporter when she invited us all on a trip to "visit her cousin in Las Vegas" (which she later admitted was her doing a deal). But I can't prove any of this, nor can I prove the AX is an addict, identity thief, child molester...
And I'm no health-food nazi, but there is a freaking childhood obesity epidemic that I would prefer my kids not be a part of.
No, it's not a competition. But it's damn hard to let go of. My mom orchestrated each and every one of my birthday parties, and I never would have imagined not doing the same for my own kids.
Easier said than done, indeed!
And I'm no health-food nazi, but there is a freaking childhood obesity epidemic that I would prefer my kids not be a part of.
No, it's not a competition. But it's damn hard to let go of. My mom orchestrated each and every one of my birthday parties, and I never would have imagined not doing the same for my own kids.
Easier said than done, indeed!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
Hechosedrugs,
Forgive me, I had forgotten your back story and it was not in your post so we had no idea. I think that was an important part that tells much more of what is going on.
Have you documented all this? Talked to a lawyer about her being a drug addict? I am assuming you have. I would be doing everything in my power to keep the children from her. Why is your ex having more time than you? I feel very bad that you are going through all this and seem to have no recourse. Why can't you say no if she stops to see them after they've gone to bed? I guess I am confused on why you have to allow her to see them or why you have to allow her to see them in your home, especially when they are in bed?
Forgive me, I had forgotten your back story and it was not in your post so we had no idea. I think that was an important part that tells much more of what is going on.
Have you documented all this? Talked to a lawyer about her being a drug addict? I am assuming you have. I would be doing everything in my power to keep the children from her. Why is your ex having more time than you? I feel very bad that you are going through all this and seem to have no recourse. Why can't you say no if she stops to see them after they've gone to bed? I guess I am confused on why you have to allow her to see them or why you have to allow her to see them in your home, especially when they are in bed?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
She does not come to my house anymore. I was talking about all the years I tried to establish boundaries, but to no avail. I see my kids more than my ex, but he sees them about 40% of the time. I have documented everything, I have been granted the right to have my AX drug tested and asked my lawyer if I could do the same for MIL, but she said courts frown on the overbearing. My lawyer was useless and my mediation was a bust- my narcissist x had the mediator wrapped around his finger. I only to get to drug test my X three times, and if he passes each, then the provision is dropped. I want to make sure I save each try for when he is completely unsuspecting, as I've heard him teach others how to pass them.
This birthday should truly be the least of my worries. It's just getting to me, that's all.
This birthday should truly be the least of my worries. It's just getting to me, that's all.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
I'm sorry. I cant imagine dealing with a narcissist who is devious. I can understand why it is getting to you. The birthday issues may not be the most important but it is all relative isn't it? I am glad you come here to get it off your chest. My heart goes out to you. I hope somehow things work out better for you in the future. I've always believed in karma. Hugs.
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