maude10

Why do I need to let him know that I *know* he was drinking? That I know there's a 3/4 empty pint in his briefcase? That in the morning, when he's in the shower, I checked said bottle and it was empty? That I noticed that he was gone a little too long picking up the take out order?

He knows he drank, and I know he drank? Why do I feel the need to let him know that I know? Or worse, to foolishly ASK, when I know that he did? And he denies it and I get even angrier? Why do I even check, to look for the hidden bottles that I can always seem to find?

I guess in some way, I see his sneaking a drink as mocking me, when it has nothing to do with me. For some reason, I feel a sense of triumph, when I can find the bottle and say, "A-ha!! I was right!", even though I didn't want to be right. And then what? So I'm right, so big deal.

maia1234

Maude,
He ia an alcoholic and alcoholics drink. It is not illegal to drink alcohol if he chooses.

You need to detach and give him to his higher power or it will continue to consume you life. Hugs my friend, one day at a time.

Nata1980

You are playing the game of Alcoholic.

http://www.ericberne.com/games-people-play/alcoholic/

This rings very true with me.

Lilro

Good Morning Maude
He is an alcoholic, that's what they do. What you need to do is figure out if you want to continue doing the dance. You can " bust" him, so what? What does that do for you?
I hope you had read the stickies at the top of the forum. If not, please do so. Unfortunately he will not stop drinking until HE is ready.
Please keep posting. We are here.
Ro

dandylion

maude10.....To answer your question----You are using "logic".
Growing up...we are taught the ground rules of dealing with other people. And, much of it relies on logic. No problem. Because, the rules were based on what works with normal healthy people.
No one ever told us that the usual rules of behavior do not apply to addicts or abusers!!!!!

You are not stupid of crazy, in this respect. You just don't understand the powerful, and non logical. overwhelming compulsion to drink for the alcoholic.
It feels like o xygen to them...or water to a fish. They can't even feel normal, like you do, with out it! They can't even imagine not ever drinking again....it doesn't feel possible.
They don't tell you that...because they don't even understand it them selves......

If you want an understanding of how the alcoholic mind works..(as much as it can be explained)....I suggest this....
Google the articles written by Floyd P. Garrett., M.D.
Especially the ones titled..."The Addict's Dilemma", "Addicts ,Lies, and Relationships", and "Excuses Alcoholics make"....

Welcome to Psychiatry & Wellness, Behavior Medicine Associates

NYswimDad

maude10 your post really speaks to me. even now with my RAW at 7 months sober, I find myself sniffing her cups and wondering why she was out of the house just a little bit longer than necessary. Truth be told, I do this less and less but to me it's evidence that:
1) I'm not working my program. I'm too focused on her
2) I'm still trying to vainly control something I absolutely can't. Back to step 1 again I go.

AnvilheadII

their drinking THREATENS our sense of security and sanity.

Did you read about the meteorologists who were trapped for two weeks in the Arctic by a "swarm" of polar bears?? you can dang sure bet THEY were checking every window, door, possible moving shape in the vast whiteness. They were under siege by a VERY credible threat.

Addiction is no different. IN fact if it could take the shape of a life form, it would make polar bears look like kittens. and so we learn to be on guard, knowing a credible threat is lurking about. we monitor the bank accounts, we look under the seat of the car before we drive, we check pockets, we observe eyes, we listen for slurring, or crashing and banging. and in our yearning to chase addiction away, we become addicted to the chase. it consumes us.

in our recovery we have to teach ourselves to change OUR habits....and habits die hard!! we let go of survival skills in favor of living skills.....WHEN it is safe to do so. we don't sunbathe in the middle of the polar bear swarm!!!

Kissedbyfire

Yeah... that was me.
A very unhappy me.
Can you get to an Al Anon meeting?
You have to stop playing this game for your own sanity. I lived to catch him... but I hated being right. I hated the sneaking, the lying...
Take your life back.

maude10

Thanks everyone. I know I need to get some help for myself. I need to find a way to stop trying to control the uncontrollable. I seem to be holding onto the idea that I can make him stop if I get mad enough or sad enough or "something" enough, even though I know it's not going to help. The idea that a bottle of liquid is wreaking havoc in my family's life is infuriating!!!

I did try Al Anon a couple of times, about seven years ago. I didn't really find it helpful. It wasn't really what I expected, so maybe that was why. Perhaps now that I know more of what it's about, I will get more out of it?? Right now, I feel like I would just cry the whole time.

Wisconsin

I did nothing but cry all the way through my first four Al Anon meetings. If you do cry, I promise you that you will be surrounded by people who get it, and they have seen it ALL before.

FireSprite

Oh, you would be FAR from the 1st or last person to cry through an entire al-anon meeting. I'd say it's an almost sure-thing that things will look & sound differently after 7 yrs, it's definitely worth a shot!

Sorry you find yourself here but you are right about accepting your lack of control over his decision to drink. I didn't do this exact thing, but I applied the same technique to many other things - agitating myself until I was almost as bad as he was in the way I continually fed into the manipulation cycles. The day I decided to just get off the merry go round was the day I made the best decision for changing & taking control of my life. (((((Hugs))))))

viola71

I feel ya on this. I used to check all the time. I think over the years I allowed his behavior and games to undermine my confidence in myself. When I finally detached and started working on myself I regained my confidence and learned to trust my gut. If my gut says he's been drinking I trust it and have no need to prove it to myself anymore. Once I learned to trust myself and my gut my life calmed down considerably. Good luck - you're not crazy trust your gut

JansSushiBar

I used to check his hiding place obsessively so I could monitor how much he drank. After awhile, I realized that it did nothing but upset me; I mean, what good does it do me to know he's going through 3 - 4 half gallon bottles of cheap vodka a week? Now, once in a blue moon I'll look to see if there's a bottle still there (his hiding place is directly across from the refrigerator in the garage) just to confirm what I already know, because most of the time he leaves the bottles in the liquor cabinet alone so he can tell himself I don't know he's drinking.

He's not lying to you, you know - he's lying to himself.

NYCDoglvr

Sounds like you're trying to control his drinking. Alcoholics drink, it's their nature, and nothing you can say or do will change it. I recommend Alanon.

Zak68

I did this for 6 years with my RAW (sober since 2009). I enabled her for years. Listened to the lies about how much and how often she drank. Secretly kept notes in a word document on every time I found a stash. Photo copies of receipts everything I thought I would need for when my patience ran out and I filed for divorce.
All I did was enable her drinking. I found bottles. She found better hiding spots. I knew her email logon. She created a new one to set up the affair with my best friend. I watched our checking account. She opened one I didn't know about. She went to great lengths to be an alcoholic and I went to great lengths to never do anything about it, letting it go on for far longer than I should have. By that I mean I should have left her after she continued to lie and hide from me. Drawing a line in the sand doesn't mean anything when they keep stepping over it.
You need to decide where your threshold is at. They will drink and will continue until they are ready to stop. I was stupid to think I could help her heal. She just knew how to play me to get me to shut up so she could drink again.
After her suicide attempt when she was ready to heal we went through the house to clear out her hidden stashes. I expected to find a bottle or two. We pulled out 4 bottles of wine (3 empty), 5 bottles of vodka (all empty). I couldn't believe how good she got at hiding her addiction when I thought I knew every hiding spot in the house.

Nero427

I thought I was good at sniffing out where my ex hid her vodka. It never dawned on me at the time why she liked to save empty olive or jelly jars.
Turns out it's much easier to hide a small glass jar than a 1.75 vodka bottle! She even had a small jar of vodka stashed at work.

LexieCat

I kept a set of small pint or half-pint bottles that were explicitly for stashing. They were plastic, easily hidden. My own favorite hiding spot was next to my desk, in between the wastebasket and the wastebasket liner.

One day it was missing, so that spot was no good anymore.

Bekindalways

I think humans and specially codependents like to think about other folks faults as then we don't have to think about our own. It is so painful to look at our own failings. I often see the blame-complain that most of us indulge in as a kind of crack cocaine to our spirituality.

pndm07

I used to think that if he knew I knew, that would prompt him to stop; kind of like policing a criminal. However it doesn't work that way with A's. They just find another place to drink or hide their bottles.

JansSushiBar

I've caught my AH sneaking vodka into the office in my canning jars on more than one occasion.