What is love?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: west coast
Posts: 21
What is love?
It hurts to watch the one I love kill herself. I can't pursue other people with integrity becasue I think about her. I wait for her to come over and she's always later cause she needs a drink, but she lies about where she was. I don't know what love is.
I want to say so much to her. She has so much promise, talent, gifts and pain. I am doing good in my life, independant, left her home and ended our relationship. Now I long for the person who used to look me in the eye with affection. When did she go? I can't believe that person is gone forever...could she be really gone?
My love is not enough to make her stop drinking, my nagging didn't work so I stopped that. Now I am fake with her, smiling and avoiding, hoping and longing. My days can still go on, without seeing her, but she ahunts my head. It's just so sad. I see the disease destoying her.
She told me today a nightmare she had of a snake that burrowed under her skin. It grew and grew and was about to burst out of her. She respected the snake, but knew it had spread and reproduced inside her--and the little snakes would continue to grow and reproduce too. It sounded like the perfect metaphor fo rher alcoholism. A disease that doesn't go away. It's so depressing to know that she knows but can't stop this monster.
Could it be that some humans are on this earth to learn their lessons through a lifetime of alcoholism? I'm sorry to be so depressing, but this stuff is not something I can talk to anyone about and it hurts so bad. I am uncertain of my own definition of love.
I want to say so much to her. She has so much promise, talent, gifts and pain. I am doing good in my life, independant, left her home and ended our relationship. Now I long for the person who used to look me in the eye with affection. When did she go? I can't believe that person is gone forever...could she be really gone?
My love is not enough to make her stop drinking, my nagging didn't work so I stopped that. Now I am fake with her, smiling and avoiding, hoping and longing. My days can still go on, without seeing her, but she ahunts my head. It's just so sad. I see the disease destoying her.
She told me today a nightmare she had of a snake that burrowed under her skin. It grew and grew and was about to burst out of her. She respected the snake, but knew it had spread and reproduced inside her--and the little snakes would continue to grow and reproduce too. It sounded like the perfect metaphor fo rher alcoholism. A disease that doesn't go away. It's so depressing to know that she knows but can't stop this monster.
Could it be that some humans are on this earth to learn their lessons through a lifetime of alcoholism? I'm sorry to be so depressing, but this stuff is not something I can talk to anyone about and it hurts so bad. I am uncertain of my own definition of love.
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
I don't think what you wrote is depressing. It's from your heart, and it's very thought provoking.
I understand the pain you are feeling... and the helplessness. But the truth of the matter is, we didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it. All we can do is love them through it! It took me a long time to be able to say "I love you enough to let you experience your own consequences."
" I love you enough that I am NOT going to continue to enable you."
"I love you so much that I am not going to bail you out of jail."
This is a horrible disease, and it affects everyone in its path. What we can do is work our own program and ask our Higher Power to look out for our loved ones.
Hugs and love,
Barb
I understand the pain you are feeling... and the helplessness. But the truth of the matter is, we didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it. All we can do is love them through it! It took me a long time to be able to say "I love you enough to let you experience your own consequences."
" I love you enough that I am NOT going to continue to enable you."
"I love you so much that I am not going to bail you out of jail."
This is a horrible disease, and it affects everyone in its path. What we can do is work our own program and ask our Higher Power to look out for our loved ones.
Hugs and love,
Barb
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
One form of love and I think it is the biggest form of love...
Doing what is best for others even when it hurts self so much.
To give up of ones self for another is the greatest of love.
You are doing the best thing you can do. If you were to be an enabler, that would not help. She needs to want to stop. She can but it will take her wanting to take control of those snalkes and find the weapons to do it with.
The best you can do... find Al Anon meetings, gather info, take care of yourself. With that you will remain strong and have the answers she needs to find the solution *when she asks for answers* as you said... you can't force her. She will need want the answers before she will listen to what you may share for answers.
Doing what is best for others even when it hurts self so much.
To give up of ones self for another is the greatest of love.
You are doing the best thing you can do. If you were to be an enabler, that would not help. She needs to want to stop. She can but it will take her wanting to take control of those snalkes and find the weapons to do it with.
The best you can do... find Al Anon meetings, gather info, take care of yourself. With that you will remain strong and have the answers she needs to find the solution *when she asks for answers* as you said... you can't force her. She will need want the answers before she will listen to what you may share for answers.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
Listen closely to Osier and Best...they said it well.
As for your question about some humans being put on this earth to learn lessons through a life time of alcoholism. Who's to say, but I know that if those people truely don't want to drink or be affected by the drinking of others then, with the help of their higher power, they can put a stop to it by continually working a program like AA and Alanon.
As for a definition of love - well, I'm working with a therapist on this very issue right now. My next session is Thursday. I posted a thread about my last weeks session in the Women in Recovery forum. It's called, "Love is an action verb?" if you are interested. He says there is an easy definition. The jury in my brain hasn't reached a verdict yet.
The lies are the hardest part of the disease for me. It really hurts to be lied to by anyone. And as Osier said...it is very hard to tell someone, "I love you too much to take care of you anymore or to bail you out of jail," but if we don't give them the dignity of taking care of their own messes then we are only doing them harm. We also teach them that someone else will always be there to clean up after them and in return they grow to expect more and more and they don't ever have the chance to feel proud of themselves for doing it all on their own.
Warm vibes coming your way.
God Bless
As for your question about some humans being put on this earth to learn lessons through a life time of alcoholism. Who's to say, but I know that if those people truely don't want to drink or be affected by the drinking of others then, with the help of their higher power, they can put a stop to it by continually working a program like AA and Alanon.
As for a definition of love - well, I'm working with a therapist on this very issue right now. My next session is Thursday. I posted a thread about my last weeks session in the Women in Recovery forum. It's called, "Love is an action verb?" if you are interested. He says there is an easy definition. The jury in my brain hasn't reached a verdict yet.
The lies are the hardest part of the disease for me. It really hurts to be lied to by anyone. And as Osier said...it is very hard to tell someone, "I love you too much to take care of you anymore or to bail you out of jail," but if we don't give them the dignity of taking care of their own messes then we are only doing them harm. We also teach them that someone else will always be there to clean up after them and in return they grow to expect more and more and they don't ever have the chance to feel proud of themselves for doing it all on their own.
Warm vibes coming your way.
God Bless
Sometimes, It takes awhile!!!
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: where my feet are!!!
Posts: 58
hi laura,
when i first started to read your post..i thought it was one of those letters from God...you know, God longing for us to come to him. His heart broken to see us hurting ourselves. God loves your friend...God IS LOVE! You have put her in God's hands. No better hands could you have put her in!!! God knows what he is doing. You can trust him. And that dream, wow.....could it be a blessing in disquise? Sometimes, we can't see or know what God is doing, but we can be sure he is continually doing things to draw us into a relationhip with him...because he loves us and NEVER gives up on us!!! serenity777
when i first started to read your post..i thought it was one of those letters from God...you know, God longing for us to come to him. His heart broken to see us hurting ourselves. God loves your friend...God IS LOVE! You have put her in God's hands. No better hands could you have put her in!!! God knows what he is doing. You can trust him. And that dream, wow.....could it be a blessing in disquise? Sometimes, we can't see or know what God is doing, but we can be sure he is continually doing things to draw us into a relationhip with him...because he loves us and NEVER gives up on us!!! serenity777
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Laura,
I think we've all tried to answer that question. Here is the best definition I have ever found
Unconditional love means that I can not always predict my reaction or guarantee my strength, but one thing is certain, I am committed to your growth and happiness.
I will always accept you.
I will always love you.
For me that means I must accept each person actually as they are at this moment.
If they are not in my life today, this moment, they probably aren't meant to be. I believe one of the highest forms of love, is when I can wish them joy and happiness even though they are not in my life.
Being human I have to do a lot of work on me to get anyway near that high form of loving. I continue to go to alanon meeting for that very reason. I have a lot of work to do on me.
Hugs
I think we've all tried to answer that question. Here is the best definition I have ever found
Unconditional love means that I can not always predict my reaction or guarantee my strength, but one thing is certain, I am committed to your growth and happiness.
I will always accept you.
I will always love you.
For me that means I must accept each person actually as they are at this moment.
If they are not in my life today, this moment, they probably aren't meant to be. I believe one of the highest forms of love, is when I can wish them joy and happiness even though they are not in my life.
Being human I have to do a lot of work on me to get anyway near that high form of loving. I continue to go to alanon meeting for that very reason. I have a lot of work to do on me.
Hugs
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