My story
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 59
My story
This will be really long. I have OCD (this comes up later in the story), so I feel the need to include every detail. Even if only one person reads this entire thing, I'll be happy. I just want to get my alcohol problem off my chest. This is my story.
When I was in high school, it never occurred to me to drink. I actually looked down on my classmates who did. I would call the cops when I found out people were having drinking parties. I even created a FB group called "I Prefer Beverages That Don't Impair My Judgment."
I graduated high school at 17 and moved to a different state to go to college. I was living on my own for the first time. I quickly got a job, though, and I dropped out of college (worst mistake of my life). I was working as a production assistant on a film crew. One night, a coworker gave me my first beer. No problems. A non-event. I slowly drank it, and I didn't even think about having another one.
During the time I was living alone and underage, occasionally friends would sneak me into bars, and I'd just have a beer or two to oblige them. Never any problems. I even stopped seeing a woman at one point because she was an alcoholic. It disgusted me. I couldn't fathom how someone could do that to themselves. To me, there was no appeal to alcohol.
Again, for the next three or four years, I'd be at social occasions where I was offered beer, and I'd always drink one or two to be polite, never enjoying them.
Once I finally turned 21, I was still living on my own. I lived in an apartment right next to a corner store. The entire year I lived there, I bought maybe two or three beers total. It didn't even occur to me that alcohol was particularly pleasurable or something I should drink.
I moved back in with my parents on the cusp of my 22nd birthday. Beer available in the house, but I didn't drink it. I didn't even want my parents to see me drinking.
Cut to my dad dying in a freak accident shortly after. I grieved for half a year and life went on. I was left living at home, taking care of my mother (I have no siblings). My OCD had pretty much been in check before that, but after his death, it really kicked into high gear. First it was scratch-off tickets. I'd spend all my money on scratch-off tickets. Not because I wanted to win, but just because I liked buying them, and I liked scratching them. Again, no desire to win. Then it was magazines. I started going to a magazine stand every month and buying an issue of every magazine available. Never read them. Just hoarded them.
A year or so later, my mother went out one night, and I had the kooky thought that I should go up to the gas station and buy a beer or two. Hell, I was 22. It was exciting. I didn't want my mother to know I was drinking (for whatever reason), so I went up, bought two 16oz's, drank them, and hid the cans. I started doing this more and more often (two, three times a week), but I still wouldn't say I had a problem.
It's worth mentioning here that I've been prescribed Xanax since I was 16 for panic disorders and for sleeping. I have an extremely high tolerance. But before I continue further, please- DO NOT MIX XANAX AND ALCOHOL. THIS CAN BE LETHAL. JUST BECAUSE I TALK ABOUT DOING IT, DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN. I'm probably living on borrowed time.
That said, we moved to a new house, and I found a fun activity to do every night. First, I would go to a store with a bargain bin of movies, and I would buy the worst possible films, but ones that looked especially flashy or colorful. Then, I would buy two 24oz beers and store them away. Then at 11pm, I would sit down, put the movie in, take Xanax and drink the two beers. I loved it because I immediately couldn't follow what was going on, but they were movies where that didn't really matter.
I got into that routine. Was that when I started having a problem? Probably, but I'm not so sure. It was something I did every night, just to have something to do. If something came up, I would just go without it and not think twice. And I restricted it until after 11. Occasionally, I would get carried away and buy three 24oz's, instead of two, and maybe once or twice I even did four.
Eventually, I realized that my NP was playing a little too loose with his prescriptions, and I decided I wanted to get off Xanax, and do it safely. I went to see a different doctor. He asked me about my habits. At this point in my life, I was so naive that I thought a 24oz was a "forty." I seriously did. So when he asked me how much Xanax I was taking, I'd tell him about six a day, and, oh, by the way, I also drink two forties a night. Sometimes three. On rare occasions four. Four "forties." He immediately looked at me and said, "I wouldn't treat you on an outpatient basis with a ten-foot pole." I didn't understand what he meant. My mother was in the waiting room, and he insisted she join us. He told her I needed to go to a halfway house or something of the like. My mother didn't know anything about my drinking, and he wasn't very specific. So we just walked out, and we both dismissed him as a quack.
But when I got home, still thinking 24oz's were 40oz's, I was scared, because of what he had said. I did have a drinking problem, I thought. I Googled alcoholism, and I was terrified of what I read. I skimmed over the important parts, like what defines it, and went straight for the section on DTs and lethal withdrawal symptoms. I was so scared that I would die if I didn't continue to drink. I'm pretty sure this is at least where the obsession kicked in.
The next day, I decided I needed to wean myself off beer (two "forties" a day, haha), so I wouldn't die. So I went up and bought some 16ozs and drank them during the day. I was genuinely frightened I would die if I didn't. This continued for long enough that it became a habit.
Finally, one day, I just broke down and told my mom I had a drinking problem. I told her I was drinking three 40oz's a night. She asked to see the cans. I showed her, and she laughed, telling me they were 24oz's. Not to diminish the fact that I was still drinking two 24oz's a night, which is a problem, but she pointed out how silly I was being.
Still, I never shook that obsession. The problem took over. I started day drinking. Never anything particularly excessive. I hated the feeling of being drunk or anything at all over "remotely buzzed." This started adding up to five-seven drinks a day. I kept my drinking hidden. At one point, every drawer in my dresser was just stacked with cans.
At some point, I heard about a high school classmate who was a serious alcoholic (like, alcohol intoxication levels almost every night). This just upped things even more. I started drinking more and more.
I went to the doctor for an unrelated issue, and I had lab work done. The nurse called me, concerned, telling me my liver enzymes were frighteningly elevated. Something like 140 and 80.
It scared me straight. I didn't drink for five months after that. Never thought twice about it. No cravings- nothing. At some point, it wasn't even about repairing my liver. I just forgot about alcohol. I had moved on.
Then I went on a vacation, and I got back into it. I can't tell you how many vacations I've ruined because of my drinking. I went to Austin with my mother, and since our hotel was so close to a gas station, I was falling down drunk every day. I'm a standup comedian, and I would go to New Orleans, and just get plastered before I went up onstage. I used to hate comedians who went up even mildly intoxicated. People were telling me I wasn't allowed onstage, but I dismissed them, thinking that I wasn't drunk at all.
All of last year, I struggled with drinking. If I was drinking, at minimum, a six-pack at night. Sometimes an extra two-three on top. Then again, if I wanted to quit drinking, I could, at any time. With no problems. No anxiety. I would just say, "I'm not going to drink this week," and I wouldn't. I could do months. But I'd always wind up back on it.
I think most of the problem was/is the obsession of physically buying the beer. It was the same as scratch-off tickets or magazines. I wanted to buy them, and then discard them. But with alcohol, since I bought it, I'd end up having to drink it at some point.
I gained about forty pounds.
Last year, I went to New Orleans for my birthday to spend time with friends. A bartender found out it was my birthday, and he offered to do a shot with me. Had never had an affinity for hard drinks before, but I obliged. Fireball. Never had it before, but damn, was it tasty.
Once I got back, I started buying two or three shooters of Fireball on top of my six pack a night. I kept a drinking diary at some point. It was never consistent. Three beers one night, 18 the next.
I went to the doctor to get my routine thyroid levels checked. Again, I got a call from an even more concerned nurse. 180 and 115. A previous CT scan showed fatty build-up on the liver. I was so scared I had cirrhosis. They told me to abstain and come back in a month. I abstained for maybe a week, before I got back to drinking. And that brings me up to date.
It really is the acquiring. I still live with my mother (I'm 26), and I secretly drink. She knows I drink, but she doesn't know the excesses. So, if she's home, for instance, I'll maybe buy two or three beers and be happy with that. If I get a call or a text from her saying that she'll be half an hour late coming home, though, that immediately triggers me to go up and buy excessive amounts, just because I can. Then she'll come home, and I won't want to drink any of it. But, again, I eventually will, just because I have it. If I could get past the buying habit, I'd be fine. Sometimes I try to predict how much I'll want to drink on a night my mother is gone, and I'll go way, way overboard and buy 10-12 drinks, and then only drink one the entire night. But then feel the need to drink the rest before bed (and then I'm up until 2-3am). Because once I actually have the beer, I often don't want to drink it.
This is my story. It's hard for me to see myself as an alcoholic. I can stop when I want. I don't get cravings. I don't need to drink to function. I obsess over buying it- not drinking it. I never get anxious if I can't drink. If I go a day or two without drinking, I often forget about it altogether, as I said, and I abstain without even thinking of it. My therapist frames it as an OCD issue, and maybe that's more accurate, but it's hard for me to look at myself and not see a severe alcoholic drinking himself into the grave.
This week, I drank four 16oz 4% alcohol content beers one night, two another night, five another night, and one the night before last. Last night, my mother was gone, and I completely overshot with the beer. Let's see- six 24oz's, one 16oz, and (oh, God, this is embarrassing) eight shooters of Fireball. I woke up this morning hungover for the first time in a year or two. I feel terrible. I want today to be my first day of continued sobriety. I want today to be the day I make the decision to heal my liver. I don't want to drink tonight. Or the next day. Or the next day. We'll see.
I just wanted to get this off my chest. Sorry it was so long.
When I was in high school, it never occurred to me to drink. I actually looked down on my classmates who did. I would call the cops when I found out people were having drinking parties. I even created a FB group called "I Prefer Beverages That Don't Impair My Judgment."
I graduated high school at 17 and moved to a different state to go to college. I was living on my own for the first time. I quickly got a job, though, and I dropped out of college (worst mistake of my life). I was working as a production assistant on a film crew. One night, a coworker gave me my first beer. No problems. A non-event. I slowly drank it, and I didn't even think about having another one.
During the time I was living alone and underage, occasionally friends would sneak me into bars, and I'd just have a beer or two to oblige them. Never any problems. I even stopped seeing a woman at one point because she was an alcoholic. It disgusted me. I couldn't fathom how someone could do that to themselves. To me, there was no appeal to alcohol.
Again, for the next three or four years, I'd be at social occasions where I was offered beer, and I'd always drink one or two to be polite, never enjoying them.
Once I finally turned 21, I was still living on my own. I lived in an apartment right next to a corner store. The entire year I lived there, I bought maybe two or three beers total. It didn't even occur to me that alcohol was particularly pleasurable or something I should drink.
I moved back in with my parents on the cusp of my 22nd birthday. Beer available in the house, but I didn't drink it. I didn't even want my parents to see me drinking.
Cut to my dad dying in a freak accident shortly after. I grieved for half a year and life went on. I was left living at home, taking care of my mother (I have no siblings). My OCD had pretty much been in check before that, but after his death, it really kicked into high gear. First it was scratch-off tickets. I'd spend all my money on scratch-off tickets. Not because I wanted to win, but just because I liked buying them, and I liked scratching them. Again, no desire to win. Then it was magazines. I started going to a magazine stand every month and buying an issue of every magazine available. Never read them. Just hoarded them.
A year or so later, my mother went out one night, and I had the kooky thought that I should go up to the gas station and buy a beer or two. Hell, I was 22. It was exciting. I didn't want my mother to know I was drinking (for whatever reason), so I went up, bought two 16oz's, drank them, and hid the cans. I started doing this more and more often (two, three times a week), but I still wouldn't say I had a problem.
It's worth mentioning here that I've been prescribed Xanax since I was 16 for panic disorders and for sleeping. I have an extremely high tolerance. But before I continue further, please- DO NOT MIX XANAX AND ALCOHOL. THIS CAN BE LETHAL. JUST BECAUSE I TALK ABOUT DOING IT, DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN. I'm probably living on borrowed time.
That said, we moved to a new house, and I found a fun activity to do every night. First, I would go to a store with a bargain bin of movies, and I would buy the worst possible films, but ones that looked especially flashy or colorful. Then, I would buy two 24oz beers and store them away. Then at 11pm, I would sit down, put the movie in, take Xanax and drink the two beers. I loved it because I immediately couldn't follow what was going on, but they were movies where that didn't really matter.
I got into that routine. Was that when I started having a problem? Probably, but I'm not so sure. It was something I did every night, just to have something to do. If something came up, I would just go without it and not think twice. And I restricted it until after 11. Occasionally, I would get carried away and buy three 24oz's, instead of two, and maybe once or twice I even did four.
Eventually, I realized that my NP was playing a little too loose with his prescriptions, and I decided I wanted to get off Xanax, and do it safely. I went to see a different doctor. He asked me about my habits. At this point in my life, I was so naive that I thought a 24oz was a "forty." I seriously did. So when he asked me how much Xanax I was taking, I'd tell him about six a day, and, oh, by the way, I also drink two forties a night. Sometimes three. On rare occasions four. Four "forties." He immediately looked at me and said, "I wouldn't treat you on an outpatient basis with a ten-foot pole." I didn't understand what he meant. My mother was in the waiting room, and he insisted she join us. He told her I needed to go to a halfway house or something of the like. My mother didn't know anything about my drinking, and he wasn't very specific. So we just walked out, and we both dismissed him as a quack.
But when I got home, still thinking 24oz's were 40oz's, I was scared, because of what he had said. I did have a drinking problem, I thought. I Googled alcoholism, and I was terrified of what I read. I skimmed over the important parts, like what defines it, and went straight for the section on DTs and lethal withdrawal symptoms. I was so scared that I would die if I didn't continue to drink. I'm pretty sure this is at least where the obsession kicked in.
The next day, I decided I needed to wean myself off beer (two "forties" a day, haha), so I wouldn't die. So I went up and bought some 16ozs and drank them during the day. I was genuinely frightened I would die if I didn't. This continued for long enough that it became a habit.
Finally, one day, I just broke down and told my mom I had a drinking problem. I told her I was drinking three 40oz's a night. She asked to see the cans. I showed her, and she laughed, telling me they were 24oz's. Not to diminish the fact that I was still drinking two 24oz's a night, which is a problem, but she pointed out how silly I was being.
Still, I never shook that obsession. The problem took over. I started day drinking. Never anything particularly excessive. I hated the feeling of being drunk or anything at all over "remotely buzzed." This started adding up to five-seven drinks a day. I kept my drinking hidden. At one point, every drawer in my dresser was just stacked with cans.
At some point, I heard about a high school classmate who was a serious alcoholic (like, alcohol intoxication levels almost every night). This just upped things even more. I started drinking more and more.
I went to the doctor for an unrelated issue, and I had lab work done. The nurse called me, concerned, telling me my liver enzymes were frighteningly elevated. Something like 140 and 80.
It scared me straight. I didn't drink for five months after that. Never thought twice about it. No cravings- nothing. At some point, it wasn't even about repairing my liver. I just forgot about alcohol. I had moved on.
Then I went on a vacation, and I got back into it. I can't tell you how many vacations I've ruined because of my drinking. I went to Austin with my mother, and since our hotel was so close to a gas station, I was falling down drunk every day. I'm a standup comedian, and I would go to New Orleans, and just get plastered before I went up onstage. I used to hate comedians who went up even mildly intoxicated. People were telling me I wasn't allowed onstage, but I dismissed them, thinking that I wasn't drunk at all.
All of last year, I struggled with drinking. If I was drinking, at minimum, a six-pack at night. Sometimes an extra two-three on top. Then again, if I wanted to quit drinking, I could, at any time. With no problems. No anxiety. I would just say, "I'm not going to drink this week," and I wouldn't. I could do months. But I'd always wind up back on it.
I think most of the problem was/is the obsession of physically buying the beer. It was the same as scratch-off tickets or magazines. I wanted to buy them, and then discard them. But with alcohol, since I bought it, I'd end up having to drink it at some point.
I gained about forty pounds.
Last year, I went to New Orleans for my birthday to spend time with friends. A bartender found out it was my birthday, and he offered to do a shot with me. Had never had an affinity for hard drinks before, but I obliged. Fireball. Never had it before, but damn, was it tasty.
Once I got back, I started buying two or three shooters of Fireball on top of my six pack a night. I kept a drinking diary at some point. It was never consistent. Three beers one night, 18 the next.
I went to the doctor to get my routine thyroid levels checked. Again, I got a call from an even more concerned nurse. 180 and 115. A previous CT scan showed fatty build-up on the liver. I was so scared I had cirrhosis. They told me to abstain and come back in a month. I abstained for maybe a week, before I got back to drinking. And that brings me up to date.
It really is the acquiring. I still live with my mother (I'm 26), and I secretly drink. She knows I drink, but she doesn't know the excesses. So, if she's home, for instance, I'll maybe buy two or three beers and be happy with that. If I get a call or a text from her saying that she'll be half an hour late coming home, though, that immediately triggers me to go up and buy excessive amounts, just because I can. Then she'll come home, and I won't want to drink any of it. But, again, I eventually will, just because I have it. If I could get past the buying habit, I'd be fine. Sometimes I try to predict how much I'll want to drink on a night my mother is gone, and I'll go way, way overboard and buy 10-12 drinks, and then only drink one the entire night. But then feel the need to drink the rest before bed (and then I'm up until 2-3am). Because once I actually have the beer, I often don't want to drink it.
This is my story. It's hard for me to see myself as an alcoholic. I can stop when I want. I don't get cravings. I don't need to drink to function. I obsess over buying it- not drinking it. I never get anxious if I can't drink. If I go a day or two without drinking, I often forget about it altogether, as I said, and I abstain without even thinking of it. My therapist frames it as an OCD issue, and maybe that's more accurate, but it's hard for me to look at myself and not see a severe alcoholic drinking himself into the grave.
This week, I drank four 16oz 4% alcohol content beers one night, two another night, five another night, and one the night before last. Last night, my mother was gone, and I completely overshot with the beer. Let's see- six 24oz's, one 16oz, and (oh, God, this is embarrassing) eight shooters of Fireball. I woke up this morning hungover for the first time in a year or two. I feel terrible. I want today to be my first day of continued sobriety. I want today to be the day I make the decision to heal my liver. I don't want to drink tonight. Or the next day. Or the next day. We'll see.
I just wanted to get this off my chest. Sorry it was so long.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
Alcoholism is a slow growing monster for many. I too hating drinking in my teens and in highschool, could barely drink one beer as I hated the taste. As time went on, in my early 20's, I would drink just a 40 a night (an actual one lol) then it turned into 2, then I was buying cases and drinking about 8. I didn't get withdrawals and the hangovers were minial. I too could stop for a while, but always went back.
Fast forward to about 25-26 and I'm pretty much a full blown alcoholic, drinking about 8-12 drinks a night, about 5 nights a week. The hangovers were now starting to come harder, but still manageable.
Skip forward to my now mid 30's and the drinking is hell. Benders for days, horrific withdrawals, it's a nightmare.
I would really work with your therapist about getting your OCD and drinking under control now while you can, otherwise you could very will be going down a horrible path of alcoholism.
Fast forward to about 25-26 and I'm pretty much a full blown alcoholic, drinking about 8-12 drinks a night, about 5 nights a week. The hangovers were now starting to come harder, but still manageable.
Skip forward to my now mid 30's and the drinking is hell. Benders for days, horrific withdrawals, it's a nightmare.
I would really work with your therapist about getting your OCD and drinking under control now while you can, otherwise you could very will be going down a horrible path of alcoholism.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
I'm glad you posted and that you have decided to stop drinking.
This link give you lots of information about recovery programs that things that helped us make a plan:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
This link give you lots of information about recovery programs that things that helped us make a plan:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
Ok, couple of things. It wasn't that long (I'm known here for worse), I read it all and I have ADHD, and knowing that Xanax and alcohol is lethal is different than knowing, slamming a few 40s with a bar or two, and then hitting your knees in the morning thanking the Lord Almighty for your life even if you are an atheist. So if you know this but do it anyway, stop. Dead is not the new Black.
Now, let go of any hypocritical feelings you are having from going from HS narc to problem drinker. Just like parachute pants and New Coke, the past belongs in the past. Alcoholism is like a death eater from Harry Potter, it doesn't care who you are or who your favorite Spice Girl is. Get in its way and it will suck you up like a Hoover.
Welcome to SR. Read as much as you can and post. Post a lot. It helps.
Now, let go of any hypocritical feelings you are having from going from HS narc to problem drinker. Just like parachute pants and New Coke, the past belongs in the past. Alcoholism is like a death eater from Harry Potter, it doesn't care who you are or who your favorite Spice Girl is. Get in its way and it will suck you up like a Hoover.
Welcome to SR. Read as much as you can and post. Post a lot. It helps.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 59
Thanks, guys.
I completely understand the severity of mixing Xanax and alcohol. Even as I write this, I don't want to run the risk of making people think they can. I have an extremely high tolerance, but nowadays, I usually don't take it while I'm drinking, unless I have a panic attack. Especially if I'm drinking hard liquor. I usually wait until after most of the alcohol is out of my body. But, yeah, I was popping them with beers right and left, just getting wasted and blacking out. I do know, though- in my suicidal episodes, I've always considered- well, I don't want to give anyone ideas, but you probably get the gist.
I just thought I'd explain my past to show what a stark contrast it is, and how it's all the more troubling that I would pick up this habit. I'm now learning that a lot of alcoholics start out this way, too.
I don't want anyone to think I was downplaying my problem in my post. I mean, I probably did, as alcoholics tend to do. But it's severe. Except for the times I take off, I've been drinking every day for the past three years or so. That's more than most people on this forum, I think. So, yeah, it's a huge deal, and I don't want to try to explain it away with OCD. It's more helpful for me to think of like that, because then I can find solutions working within that system. Every time I come into my therapist and tell him I drank, he says, "So what do you do about it?" And the answer is always, "Not drink." He always assures me that I'm completely capable of stopping and that it's not even an upheaval for me. Problem is, my therapist left two weeks ago, and it's another two weeks until I can get in to see another one. Probably why I'm posting here. I hope the next one is able to understand the problem. The way I see it, it may completely be OCD, but what I'm doing objectively matches the behavior of a severe alcoholic, so there's no point in differentiating, other than in trying to explain my motivations.
Also, I didn't even go into the details of the friends I've lost and the bridges I've burned while drunk/on Xanax/both. So, so many mornings of waking up, too scared to look at my phone.
I completely understand the severity of mixing Xanax and alcohol. Even as I write this, I don't want to run the risk of making people think they can. I have an extremely high tolerance, but nowadays, I usually don't take it while I'm drinking, unless I have a panic attack. Especially if I'm drinking hard liquor. I usually wait until after most of the alcohol is out of my body. But, yeah, I was popping them with beers right and left, just getting wasted and blacking out. I do know, though- in my suicidal episodes, I've always considered- well, I don't want to give anyone ideas, but you probably get the gist.
I just thought I'd explain my past to show what a stark contrast it is, and how it's all the more troubling that I would pick up this habit. I'm now learning that a lot of alcoholics start out this way, too.
I don't want anyone to think I was downplaying my problem in my post. I mean, I probably did, as alcoholics tend to do. But it's severe. Except for the times I take off, I've been drinking every day for the past three years or so. That's more than most people on this forum, I think. So, yeah, it's a huge deal, and I don't want to try to explain it away with OCD. It's more helpful for me to think of like that, because then I can find solutions working within that system. Every time I come into my therapist and tell him I drank, he says, "So what do you do about it?" And the answer is always, "Not drink." He always assures me that I'm completely capable of stopping and that it's not even an upheaval for me. Problem is, my therapist left two weeks ago, and it's another two weeks until I can get in to see another one. Probably why I'm posting here. I hope the next one is able to understand the problem. The way I see it, it may completely be OCD, but what I'm doing objectively matches the behavior of a severe alcoholic, so there's no point in differentiating, other than in trying to explain my motivations.
Also, I didn't even go into the details of the friends I've lost and the bridges I've burned while drunk/on Xanax/both. So, so many mornings of waking up, too scared to look at my phone.
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
I have OCD, and many of the addictive behaviors you described in your first post. Do I believe my OCD is a serious part of my drinking behavior in the past? Without a doubt, yes. To try to work on one without the other just won't cut it for me. I will buy books, movies, whatever it is I buy too many and obsess over them just like you described.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,518
Good to meet you, PiratePrentice. I hope you'll stay with us and keep posting. It helps to be in good company - with those who understand.
In my 20's I knew I was headed for trouble with alcohol. It was still fun though - and I figured if I just learned to use enough willpower I'd be able to control it. I guess I was a slow learner - it took me many more years to admit I could never drink socially. Each time it was in my system I was headed for danger. In the end, I was drinking all day - with my life in ruins. When I found SR I knew I never had to feel alone again. I hope you'll find it comforting & helpful to be here. You can do this.
In my 20's I knew I was headed for trouble with alcohol. It was still fun though - and I figured if I just learned to use enough willpower I'd be able to control it. I guess I was a slow learner - it took me many more years to admit I could never drink socially. Each time it was in my system I was headed for danger. In the end, I was drinking all day - with my life in ruins. When I found SR I knew I never had to feel alone again. I hope you'll find it comforting & helpful to be here. You can do this.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,351
Thanks for sharing your story PiratePrentice.
In the end it doesn;t matter how much you drink, or how often, or how it compares with the guy next to you - if you feel it's a problem it's a problem - and you'll find support here
Welcome!
D
In the end it doesn;t matter how much you drink, or how often, or how it compares with the guy next to you - if you feel it's a problem it's a problem - and you'll find support here
Welcome!
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 59
Thanks, again, everyone! This is a great community- I'm sure I'll be spending a lot of time here. It's nice to talk to people who won't look or talk down to you. Even four years ago, if I were to read my own post today, I would think, "What a moronic, disgusting sleazeball."
After rereading the part about how much I drank last night and my old irrational fear of withdrawals, I went up and bought a 24oz, fearing I would die if I didn't. Sounds so, so stupid, I know. But, in my mind, it's completely organic. I left it unopened for four or five hours, but I finally just gave in and started drinking it. I'm confident I'll stop at this one, though. Feeling sleep-deprived tonight. And tomorrow is another day.
My biggest accomplishment was avoiding Fireball shooters! They're right there at the counter, and I'm so used to saying, "Gimme three shooters of Fireball" with every purchase I make. They take a second to drink and are much less unwieldy than a beer. But I thought about my liver, and even though beer is probably just as bad, maybe I did my liver a very, very small favor tonight. If I can at least continue not buying Fireball, that'll be a good first step, I hope.
After rereading the part about how much I drank last night and my old irrational fear of withdrawals, I went up and bought a 24oz, fearing I would die if I didn't. Sounds so, so stupid, I know. But, in my mind, it's completely organic. I left it unopened for four or five hours, but I finally just gave in and started drinking it. I'm confident I'll stop at this one, though. Feeling sleep-deprived tonight. And tomorrow is another day.
My biggest accomplishment was avoiding Fireball shooters! They're right there at the counter, and I'm so used to saying, "Gimme three shooters of Fireball" with every purchase I make. They take a second to drink and are much less unwieldy than a beer. But I thought about my liver, and even though beer is probably just as bad, maybe I did my liver a very, very small favor tonight. If I can at least continue not buying Fireball, that'll be a good first step, I hope.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
how much you drink is not as important as why you drink- alcohol is but a symptom of something deeper.
you want to stop for good and it reads like on your own isn't working.
so how about rehab?
you want to stop for good and it reads like on your own isn't working.
so how about rehab?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 59
I don't think I'm at a rehab point yet. You're right that, for the most part, I haven't succeeded on my own, though I know I'm capable of doing it and have proven myself able to do it. I think the key to recovery for me is going to be just finding a new obsession. After I've gained all this weight, I need to get back to the gym. Last time I went to the gym for a few months to lose weight, I barely drank at all, because that defeated the purpose. So if I can find something more healthful to obsess about, I'll be on the right track. I'm much more aware of my problem now than I ever was, so I think I have the first step in getting into the right mental area for quitting. I don't know.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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Originally Posted by PiratePrentice 
Thanks, again, everyone! This is a great community- I'm sure I'll be spending a lot of time here. It's nice to talk to people who won't look or talk down to you. Even four years ago, if I were to read my own post today, I would think, "What a moronic, disgusting sleazeball."
That being said...
After rereading the part about how much I drank last night and my old irrational fear of withdrawals, I went up and bought a 24oz, fearing I would die if I didn't. Sounds so, so stupid, I know. But, in my mind, it's completely organic. I left it unopened for four or five hours, but I finally just gave in and started drinking it. I'm confident I'll stop at this one, though. Feeling sleep-deprived tonight. And tomorrow is another day.
My biggest accomplishment was avoiding Fireball shooters! They're right there at the counter, and I'm so used to saying, "Gimme three shooters of Fireball" with every purchase I make. They take a second to drink and are much less unwieldy than a beer. But I thought about my liver, and even though beer is probably just as bad, maybe I did my liver a very, very small favor tonight. If I can at least continue not buying Fireball, that'll be a good first step, I hope.
My biggest accomplishment was avoiding Fireball shooters! They're right there at the counter, and I'm so used to saying, "Gimme three shooters of Fireball" with every purchase I make. They take a second to drink and are much less unwieldy than a beer. But I thought about my liver, and even though beer is probably just as bad, maybe I did my liver a very, very small favor tonight. If I can at least continue not buying Fireball, that'll be a good first step, I hope.
Anything less than full abstinence kept me in a grey area where I wasn't drinking as much - or more accurately rationing it out for longer periods - but things really didn't get any better.
It took me several months after quitting drinking for 20 years to feel my head clear and my perception change.
I understand not drinking at all is scary - but waking up one day and realising you've been drinking for the past couple of years when you declared you were quitting is pretty scary too.
D
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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I agree. I wrote that "it was a good first step" with unmerited optimism. I know it's not a step in the right direction at all. I just know that, at this point, any day where I don't drink wildly excessively is something to hold onto, for the infinitesimally small amount that it's actually worth.. If I reinforce that I can drink just one, then I can move on to going without. I know all of this sounds like BS and excuse-making, and maybe it is- I'm just going on how I've successfully quit before.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Not at all! There are some hard truths I need to hear. Maybe they're jarring and hard to read now, but I know that if I look back on what you guys are saying once I finally stop for good, I'll appreciate what was being said.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Unfortunately, I don't know my family history. I was adopted- I was a rape baby. So no idea if it runs in my family. My mother and late father, such as they are, weren't alcoholics. There was only beer in the house during the last year or two before my dad died, but it was in the garage. It was only there because occasionally my dad would come home from work, have a buddy over, relax, and drink a beer. They were only social drinkers, and were often designated drivers. My mother doesn't drink, except on rare occasions.
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