BitingTheBullet

So I realize I am woefully inept at dealing with my AH even though I've been dealing with his drinking for about 15 years! He IMHO is in end stage. He will go for long periods of either not drinking or maitaining a buzz so you don't know he is drinking. Then have a relapse to constant angry drinking binges lasting days. He was even keeled from Jan'16 to June'16. Prior to that he had been cycling a bad week followed by a good month and then two bad weeks followed by two good moths. Foolish me thought that the good stretches were longer it must be progress in general. Haha. So he has been drunk 5-6 days a week since June. He doesnt think he has an alcohol addiction. He validates his drinking by saying "something made him snap". Usually something I did or said, but occasionally he'll blame DS. For years there has been no alcohol in the fridge and the alcohol that is visible in cabinets is never touched. He just magically gets drunk! it makes him very unpredictable. I guess my question is since the sober/maintaining periods are getting longer but so are the binges between is there a predictable ratio? Like he was an angry drunk for 3 months then evened out for 5 months. How much longer will this binge last? When will he start having medical reprecussions? He was on high BP meds and has diabetes. When I pointed out how taxed his liver must be he stopped the meds, not the drinking! LOL!!! But no he isnt addicted.(sarcasm font) So I am trying to figure out how to leave him without ruining my sons senior year of HS. My son and I are starting counseling together hoping AH will join us when he is ready. But trying to prepare my DS for our departure. Thoughts/suggestions welcome.

FeelingGreat

Hi BtB, he's not in recovery whichever way you look at his drinking as he's still buzzed even the good periods. You sound like you've made up your mind to leave, but the timetable is a problem.
What do you think of you and your DS using the counselling sessions to discuss moving out, and how it would impact him? It's the ideal set-up for you exchanging information about the situation and communicating safely.
Are you hoping AH will join you in counselling to make leaving more amicable or are you still thinking he might be inspired to recover? That seems unlikely.

BitingTheBullet

Thanks Feeling Great, good question. I guess I hope he comes to counseling for selfish reasons. Then he can hear from someone else it is not my fault he is drinking. I have not poisoned his kids against him, his alcohol use has done that. I hope it helps my son. For me the ship has sailed there is virtually nothing he can do to make me change my mind.

LexieCat

"End stage" alcoholism is where someone is descending to death. So your husband's alcoholism is progressing, from what it sounds like, but what you're talking about doesn't sound remotely like "end stage." Alcoholism will ALWAYS progress unless the alcoholic gets sober and stays that way, but it can take years or decades before one reaches "end stage" alcoholism.

That, however, has nothing to do with how much his drinking affects your, and your son's, life. Hearing from a counselor that his drinking isn't your fault isn't likely to penetrate. It will be good for your SON to hear something to contradict the message his father is giving. Al-Anon for you, and Alateen for him can be very helpful, too.

Glad you're here. I suggest you educate yourself as much as you can about alcoholism, too--not for the sake of getting him sober (not within your power), but to help you understand what it is you are dealing with.

Oh, and to answer your other question, even though alcoholism always progresses, individual drinking patterns vary a lot. So it's impossible to say how long any one "binge" might last, or any period of less drinking. That's one of the frustrating things about alcoholism--very difficult to predict what's coming next.

Kissedbyfire

If there's nothing he can do to change your mind, I suggest you just go to counseling for you and DS.
Hearing from someone else that he has a problem isn't going to help you or DS.
You're doing it to help him- but you can't.

He doesn't drink because of you or DS. He drinks because he's an alcoholic. You know that and I hope DS knows that.

Right now, educating yourself on alcohol, and finding support should be your number one priority. If you are leaving him, you should still educate yourself on Alcoholism. Understanding it really helps with the healing process.
If you have been dealing with this for 15 years- you have a lot of healing to do.
Counseling is a wonderful start. Is the counselor that you're going to see specialize in addiction? That would really be helpful.
I'd highly recommend Al Anon/Al Ateen for you and your son.
I went two years ago to a few meetings when the height of my fiancé's drinking began. I was determined to fix him. I wasn't ready to hear what they were telling me. I went back last night for the first time. I didnt talk and just listened. They were very welcoming and supportive.
If you're planning to leave and nothing will change your mind, start getting those ducks in a row, start healing, and your only focus should be on you and DS.

Good luck!

hearthealth

If he stopped taking his medication and still has high blood pressure he could develop serious medical problems. Those health issues include a stroke, tia's or medical impacts to other organs.

Kissedbyfire

BTB,
A member sent me a link to their thread of these really I insightful videos.
Watching them did help me gain more understanding. I'm still educating myself on Alcoholism. Here's the link and I hope they can be of help to you.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...r-alcohol.html

Kboys

Just big hugs to you and your DS!
I echo the above suggesttions to go to Al-anon/Al-ateen, if you and DS can.
I'm glad you're here, and I hope you stick around. We understand....
Take care and hang in there <3

BitingTheBullet

Thank you all for your support. I have spent hours here reading through threads. I've watched the videos several times! Cause I keep getting hung up on part -A. and realized I missed parts B and C while my brain was spinning on part A. Its a lot to take in. But just reinforces that I need to focus on me and DS. DS and I talked and he admitted he found my behavior peculiar. Why am I so mad at AH when he is sober and being "good." Yet seem fine/non-argumentative when he is drunk. I explained that arguing with a drunk makes no sense at all and I used to think I could convince him to change if I was logical enough when he was sober. As a result sober fighting and drunk appearance of acquiescence. So at least we are talking to each other..

BitingTheBullet

To Lexiecat, I assume end stage because his brain seems to be affected even when he is sober. His tolerance is way down. Two drinks and he is slurring his words, which made me make the comment that his liver cant handle the strain of alcohol plus his daily meds. So he dropped his meds. He has batsh*t crazy thoughts like friends are spies. But if your telling me it isnt end stage I'll brace myself for more.

BitingTheBullet

I started with Alanon last November. It helped me stop trying to cure him and then he had that really long good stretch from Jan. To June! Of course I was like wow A few months in Al anon and he's cured! I think it was just the shock to him that I was seeking counseling for his issue so he behaved for a long time. Its a vicious cycle that I am trying to break. Thanks again for the support.